FRENCH DIVIDE 2023 : L’autre Film (Ultra Bikepacking – English subs available)

Ce n’est simplement pas que du bikepacking, c’est 2330 km à travers la France, 38 500 m de D+, zéro assistance, 15 jours maximum… avec la folie pour principal carburant.

Tourné lors de l’Edition 2023 – Intégralement avec une GoPro Hero 11, parfois toute grasse, souvent couverte de boue.
Film monté avec passion en autodidacte sur DaVinci Resolve Studio, à coups de tâtonnements, d’erreurs, et de quelques crises de nerfs. (Honnêtement, c’était presque aussi éprouvant que l’épreuve)

Crédit photo miniature : Louis Legon – French Divide

I’m gonna crash… 2,330 km
38,500 m of elevation gain
15 days max, self-supported What a dumbass idea! Alright, at the finish line of the Sea to Peak I told myself I’d never do something that long again Guess what? I signed up for the French Divide Well, we’re lucky
it could be worse, it could be raining… Great idea, the French Divide Great idea… Samuel : … 4, 3, 2, 1 and here we go ! I’m passing in the middle Thanks Real pleasant … A cozy spot to rest Day two on French Divide Hi ! I stopped at a fishing pond There was a shitter Fucking blessing.
I’m feeling light, ready to fly The free coffee did its job Cobblestones, rain, headwind… The perfect combo ! Great I prefer a little drier They could’ve chop the trees Twig blocks the jump… Could hurt us There you go, you got my brother with you Everything going alright ? All good here
Carbon all around, it’s fucked But hey, it’s holding up Day three ! I slept at a hotel Cause… The previous night sucked Uh… Am I bothering you, truck ?
I’m talking, asshole ! Nooo! Perfect ! My shiny bike… now it’s all poopy! I’d held back, stayed polite I hadn’t insulted Samuel yet But now ? You fucker ! Oh fuck ! This sucks ! Bastard And if you made us haul our asses up here just to use the picnic table… Can’t use it, it’s broken Oh fuck ! Bastard ! All I think about is eating Help ? That’s a penalty ! Assist ! Samuel’s gotta be behind this
Roadworks just to fuck with us! Oh shit ! Seen any others like us out there ? shit, the cone ! Try not to fall ! Seriously, what the hell?
This ain’t hard enough already?” How much was the entry fee ? 300 euros for this shit. Bet we can squeeze out 30 bucks And apparently they throw penalties
if you cut the route Oh fuck ! After the damn thorns
now the mud ! Oh no way, seriously ?
And to think we paid to go through this crap Good thing I wrote a blank check, honestly Seriously ?! Noooo ! Hey, careful
That stuff really stings Oh fuck ! There’s like 10,000 thorns per m² Yeeeeeeowch ! 300 euros ! Oh come on, not another one… Fuck this, I’m going home This one’s bustin’ my balls ! Good thing I’ve got arms, huh ? Ah, crap ! What a rip-off. Not even ripe grapes ! Intoleracceptable ! Holy shit, we’re about to pass three guys ! You know there’s still a hell of a way to go ! Keep moving, dammit ! It’s noon, it’s picnic time ? Nah, it’s sausage, beer, and potato chips for us ! Wait, beer, actually true ? We’re climbing the ranks !
Climbing the freakin’ leaderboard ! Damn, I’ve got a hard-on
Just passed three dudes ! Bastaaaaards ! Speed it up ! My wife’s gonna be so damn proud She’s gonna say :
“Whoa, you just passed some dudes !” Easy rolling ! Fuck, my shoe’s full ! This climb ?
Pure hell… in mud. And the downhill ? Hell again… in mud I rolled by during happy hour yesterday everyone was… toasted No way we finish this
Too much food everywhere Grab the butt cream Nooo, Saint Amand upon Ass River
Seriously Saint Amand upon Ass River ! You guys are dumb Seriously dumb, for real Whoa, I hit that ! You’ve got 2,000 Klicks left
Plenty to burn those tires ! Kinda feels like we’re being watched Mornin’ Hey, I’m Stéphane Aurélien Nice to meet you ! Can I get you a coffee ? Or maybe some tea ? I’ll take some tea Yeah, I’m dumb Yup, gettin’ that ! Crap ! Yup, still no ripe grapes here This is just a tiny hill… Easy rolling ! Day 5 ! First climb There’s gotta be some vines up there And the grapes ain’t ripe here either Here’s the “standard” for guardrails
Thanks a lot. Fuck, these damn brambles ! I really need to shit Almost at Checkpoint 2 Relief is on the way Where’s Sam ? Got a lovely bouquet… He’s just across … Gonna plant it in his face ! We were wondering if you had
a bit of a sadistic streak You can’t resist a nasty hill Childhood issues much ? Yeah, if there’s a hill, he’s heading straight for it
I agree Howdy ! We’re launching our influencer careers. So, you’re following your idols now ? Hell yeah, I’m like a kid ! Can you believe it ?
I’m in the middle of the French Divide ! Too bad we don’t have a marker
we would’ve signed your butt! Heeellooo ! wow, the mass grave !!! No waaateeer ?! About to have a good night We did 180 kilometers And we’re sleeping… uh… Well… somewhere quiet With super chill neighbors Good night Holy cow ! Bastard Straight, straight ! No, no Yes, yes No, no Yes, yes You sure ? Yeah, yeah Hey, wild snack stop ! Hey, it’s the girls! Our cow besties! They raided the whole buffet ! Good luck ! Oh yeah… I’ve seen nicer decor Brutal ! Come on, you’re slowin’ down ! Totally reasonable groceries So, this morning, right after waking up…
I ate a pizza. Then a little quiche Then, on the bike, I got a bit hungry So I had two nougat bars… And two fruit jellies. I had some lentils, if you wanted And now, for breakfast… A raisin swirl. A chocolate croissant And another slice of pizza Totally reasonable. Totally We’ve completely lost control.
I’ve never eaten this much in my life. Time to test out Garmin’s fancy new features I’ve got “Stamina” now It tells me how far I can still go Apparently… I’ve got 23 kilometers left. We’re on the hardest section now Watch out, watch out ! EuroVelo… now that’s my kind of riding. Everything’s made for bikes, perfectly planned. Look, even teeny little stops
Tiny Stopsy ! Let’s do our tiny stopsy … And off we go again ! Ahhh… life is sweet on the EuroVelo. He didn’t respect the tiny stopsy.
That’s a no-no ! On these transtion stage Sunscreen party, baby ! Asshole A little music game to kill time on these endless straights. I’m gonna play you a tune Drop your guesses in the comments. Whoever gets it right wins the GPX track… This straight line is just so good Transition section… Total butt demolition Another musical challenge ! Here’s a hint
it’s by the same composer. Whoever guesses both tunes wins
a round trip on this very straight road! During a transition trip,
Time to take a little dip. There’s a beast ! THERE’S A BEAST !! Allier sucks ! The grapes still aren’t ripe Tough start
Had to re-pack twice Lost my gloves in the cemetery where I crashed great ! Planned to leave early, 20 minutes ahead Yeah, no chance, same shit
What a damn mess But last night was sweet Cemetery with sprinklers, it was hot Full shower achieved Hair’s fresh My jersey stinks, but I smell good Ah, fuck ! What you gotta do to get to Vulvania, seriously! Easy rolling ! What a bastard ! The good thing about pushing… No sore ass on the saddle. It’s kinda a break, actually. Goddamn it ! Are We There Yet ? That feels good Fuck Oh fuck, that’s not it Well yeah, gotta climb back up Motherfucker ! Fucking dumbass Yeah well, still kinda Samuel’s fault Getting to Vulvania ain’t easy Wait
This is Vulcania ? Huh. I’ve been saying it totally wrong
So it’s… just a volcano park ? Totally missed the point And here I was, all excited for nothing Shit ! Fuck ! Fucking hell ! Seriously, no fucking way. So… what do you think of Samuel right now ? I’ve got nothing left to say about him. I’m not gonna lie
This fucking sucks. Yeah, that’s even worse with this fucking wide handlebar ! Fuck
Sick of this shit Coming into Besse now I’m so done with today I’m kinda… dragging myself along
I’m cooked Everything hurts
Mostly my hands Oh fuck, not another trail Fuck this And now I have to climb back up into the village The sun’s right in my fucking face ! And it wasn’t that fucking trail
Meant to stay on the road ! It’s here I’m sleeping
Same as last year i’m fed up
I’m going to sleep in the stadium We really went through hell today, huh ? It’s like…beyond words… There’s no… well… I’m… I just… What a lovely day !
With only a tiny breeze… Fuck What are you eating for breakfast, Helene ? The worst part is, I’m a naturopath No way I’m showing this video to everyone It’s gonna be on YouTube Come back, you little bastard ! Shiiiiiit ! I stepped on my chocolate croissant I’m gonna eat it anyway There’s a little dirt on it, though Let’s get going Don’t move, don’t move
don’t be afraid. She ate it all The kind of thing I really didn’t need. Wild snack stop Someone invites us for lunch. And when I get back on the bike… “Hey, I oiled your chain for you !” Great
Thanks… I use wax So now I’ve gotta clean off all that crap
or the wax won’t stick Thanks, man Jackass Well, I wanted to keep things light but now I’m stuck carrying degreaser Well… “degreaser”… it’s black soap Thanks again, Mister Helpful
Thanks a lot I mean, if he really wanted to go the extra mile,
he could’ve swapped my brake pads too “Yeah, thought they were too thin…
So I gave you butter pads instead !” It came from a good place
Thanks Fuck One of the best moments of the day One of the absolute essentials Ass cream ! Gotta slap on a generous layer Careful now… You gotta butter that butt ! (Non-potable water) Hellooo there You definitely caught some attention I have no clue where we are
but we keep climbing Alright, we’re heading up to The Beacon Damn, couldn’t they put their ‘Beacons’ any lower ? It’s always way up high Come on, just blow it up already ! Oh fuck…
That bastard And we’re supposed to sleep out here tonight Right in the middle of Gévaudan Gonna get mauled by the Beast But I’ve got a weapon Thanks to the Jackass who oiled my chain ‘Cause if the Beast shows up I’ve got black soap
Straight in her eyes I’ll beat her like a rented mule She won’t be acting tough
once her eyes start burning Let’s go, Beast !
Come at me ! I’ll fuck you up ! … there’s this kind of scab that showed up What are you talking about ? This disgusting scab thing There’s a disgusting scab ! Oh, that’s nicely decorated It matches my jersey ! That’s classy ! Is the French Divide a gravel ride ? Yeah, I guess so You gotta come with 35mm tires
That’s where the fun starts It’s totally gravel ride Actually, it’s pretty nice Easy rolling ! I knew we’d only had kid-sized rocks since the start Damn Easy rolling ! I’m really wondering where the fun is Checkpoint 3 So, how are the Cévennes ? It’s… It’s awesome, I love it
I’ll never come back Bastard
Ah fuck It was too good to last with the tarmac Hey there, buddy I set up a little snack stop up the hill Well, thanks !
No problem ! You’ve got to earn that sunset
on top of Mont Aigoual Time for nighty-night soon Mont Aigoual… missed the sunset Damn ! More hobos… I’m gonna crash… Fuck ! Something tells me I’m gonna have
a big ol’ bruise on my ass But hey, I’m alright The bike looks… I mean… I hope… I really hope… Hope I didn’t trash the derailleur
We’ll see Alright, from now on, we ride smart Sure, it makes for great footage
Yeah, real funny stuff But me? I wanna make it to the damn finish I like it like this No rocks Nice and easy turns Yeah, this is good Shit Rocks ! ROCKS !! Took another spill Too bad I didn’t catch it on cam
to crack people up Wasn’t as badass as the last one Actually
Kinda pathetic But yeah, this one hurt Slammed my knee
but that’s fine now Smashed my hand though, and… I can’t really lean on the left side Hope it clears up
‘Cause that’s a pain on the downhills Okay, scratch that
the knee’s not great either Fuck this
I’ve had it Shit
I was feelin’ good this morning… Cévennes are beautiful But, is a madhouse Number one rock factory right here
Cévennes We climb
We push We push
We climb Dunno what I like more… Downhill
Or Downhill again right after What’s waiting for us next ? That gate’s closing by itself Here we go ! Looks like a rock farm Soon they’ll be putting these rocks in the trails Another gate No clue what it’s for Maybe to keep the rocks from escaping Gotta be a wild rock reserve
They ain’t tamed yet, can’t put ’em on public trails What’s that sign even say ? No animals here
Just rocks We’re definitely
not in the same place anymore These are… friendly pebbles New place
Same bullshit Smooth riding’s over These rocks…
got a whole new shape going on Well that’s a whole new vibe Red rocks now And buzzy little critters goin’ zzziii-zzziii Shut the fuck up, cicada ! It’s, uh… slightly bruised, obviously Hope it’s fine tomorrow Hope I can keep going
that it won’t swell up or whatever Can’t really hold the Spirgrips anymore But hey
Guess we’ll see Good morning French Divide ! 06:47
We’re already pushing Fuck This sucks Bastard Damn, we’re sweating Damn, we’re sweating I’m drenched me too It’s rough this morning Yeah How many nights we been riding late
barely sleeping ? How late did you ride last night ? Fuck, I thought I’d be there by 8 Got there closer to 10 or some shit…
I was done Mach 12 on a downhill
Trail was off to the side Had to climb back up
Swear I was crying Yeah, wiped out a few times Wow
This view’s nice Yeah… What’s that damn noise ? A Chinese hot dog Ew Fuck It’s nice here, cool and fresh Choo-choo-choo ! Fuck It just keeps climbing I’m beat
I’m really done Climbing sucks And we climb again Fuck
That feels good Holy fuck I love water You gotta drink it
’cause in ten years, there won’t be any left. (I am an entity like that which you yourself become in the freedom of dreamless sleep… I am your brother of light, and have floated with you in the effulgent valleys… …It is not permitted me to tell your waking earth-self of your real self) Fuck Where the fuck is that goddamn fucking track ? Shit ! Fucking hell ! This is a fucking mess This shit is busting my balls It goes in every damn direction I dunno if this is a fucking scavenger hunt or a goddamn brevet Fuck this Maybe that’s it
hell if I know No, that’s not it
I’m still fucking off track Fuck ! What the fuck is with these bullshit trees ? Fuck No fucking way
where the fuck is it ? I’m supposed to be on the route Right here ! Where the fuck is it ? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT ! Get outta my way, you damn bush ! Go fuck your mother ! Screw it, I’m going this way
I’ve had it Whatever
He can shove his penalty up his ass! Well thanks Hot damn Shoutout to the gravel dudes Hope that Red Bull hits uphill too ‘Cause right now ?
I’m fired the hell up Tailwind ! Better make the most of it
For fuckin’ once ! Finish line – 470 km So I found this awesome spot ! Perfect for camping in the woods A river to wash up in But today ? Can’t stop getting lost Can’t see a thing Walked right into river Feet soaked And my shoes ? Totally fucked at the heels Great Look, I was complaining ‘cause my feet were soaked earlier and now it starts pouring Oh storm !
Oh despair ! Cool,
everybody’s gonna have wet feet now He could’ve made us take the stairs He could’ve made us go by the bakery But nah, that’d be too easy We’re gonna slog up the ramparts
Without stopping at the bakery Bastard What a damn bastard What a piece of shit You done eatin’ off the ground yet ? Little wild plums There’s seriously nothing to eat in this place Leave me some !
I want a few ! There’s ants all over ’em Careful – fallin’ fruit ! Well maybe grow a few inches then It aren’t ripe There’s gotta be food Food We’re the Bonnie and Clyde of pastries We’re takin’ it all ! Spiky-ass fuckstick, piss-born mutt, piece of shit Yeah I swear
‘cause that shit stings ! Fucker Bike path This is gonna be loooong Here I’m allowed to ride Here I’m not allowed to ride Here I’m allowed to ride Here I’m not allowed to ride This sucks C’mon, little Sour Patch Gators At least this helps chew through the miles Hey, a tiny stopsy Fuck, this is so damn boring Makes me wanna smash that muffin Yeah, I’m going in on that muffin Oh crap, was that the exit ? Snack alert ! Good timing
Muffin’s out I think there’s some kinda animal Sour Patch Gators are good Yeah, yeah, you’re mean Tonight, I’m crashing in a guesthouse A real bed
Gonna take a shower Wash my clothes too Fuck
This is gonna feel good. Hey there, cows ! …Wait – Nope
These are Mister Cows You good ?
Yeah, and you ? Morning, I’m Philippe Got some water
Thanks, still got plenty Wanna coffee ? Hell yeah, I’m outta coffee I’m good, all clean
Stayed at a hotel ? Nah, a guesthouse
had a washer Dude, that’s how he rolls at the finish Yeah, I show up clean, smelling like laundry Next thing, he’s gonna shave too 300 Euros
and there’s trees in the way ! And mud ! Oh shit Yes sir, gotta go that way Fall on your ass for the video
It always cracks people up Oh fuck That’s gonna make folks laugh Did you film it ?
Hell yeah Fucking deal with it ! Come on, get on the bike
Yeah, yeah Well, go ahead, fall on your ass while stopped Honestly
I don’t know what’s messier, here or up The Nord It’s The Nord They’re about the same, right ? Fuck, and this damn thing’s slippery too ! We’re gonna have to light a candle
when we get to Lourdes, or this’ll only get worse Fuckin’ bitch brambles ! Ouch ! Yeah, that one really hurts, huh ? Fuck
why do they make trails like this ? This shit shouldn’t even exist Only caterpillars can climb that crap I didn’t crash
Just to be clear I didn’t crash
Not even once No way ! Not even once
Twice ! I’m not crashing I’m just taking micro-naps Holy water, yes It better be
it’s Lourdes water By my faith !
That’s gotta be the same water they bottle Maybe so I want to eat some Madone’s meringue cookies I want to chow down on some damn wafers ! Look at all this crap It’s crazy Lourdes is a pilgrimage spot for Catholics And it’s hell
There are people everywhere The Holy Hotel Fucking Holy Mother ! Savage Hold on, I’m starving over here Fall for the content ! I don’t like falling I want likes ! Film yourself falling ! Fucking hell mud pit… Five crashes this morning I’m not the man I used to be Pure carnage
Straight-up hell Seriously
Five wipeouts in one morning It teaches you wisdom Don’t fall ! I’m trying
I’m trying ! Plus I’m filming
People love a good wipeout I eat dirt
I get 200 likes Well, I ain’t fell… but damn, this mud ! Freakin’ slutty mud I almost slammed the ground again ! Can’t wait for this to be over Finish line – 90 km / 2400 m elevation gain ! Fuck, climb’s done Great You dumbass Asshole Ah fuck Hey cows ! Shit everywhere I’m so fucking tired of climbing No progress at all Fed up with this bullshit Fuck, I’m done You’d think it’d finally go downhill… You could stop dragging your balls around But nope, the mud pits are even worse Look at all that shit ! Look at the fucking mess ! I’m gonna break my ankle ! When the hell do you think you can
actually ride this thing ?! French Divide my balls ! No way I’m doing this twice ! Fuck, you climb nearly 5km… Pushing your bike And the descent ?
Same shit, worse ! ‘Cause even on the downhill
if you walk… You wear down your brake pads That gate… Is it there to stop people from going up ?! Fucking sadist ! The tartiflette au reblochon… “Better out of the oven” Well, I ain’t got no oven ! It’s not exactly good… But it’ll do the job 26 kilometers to go I’m so fucking done ! Feels like this thing’s never gonna end It’s just endless climbing Fucking Pays Basque ! Fucking Pays Basque ! Didn’t have too much bad luck on this adventure Not like Sea To Peak… Where I straight-up won
the title of unluckiest rider alive This time ?
Nothing Not even a flat to fix No major issues at all The only real mess was that sabotage from that dumbass
who oiled my chain… when I use wax The real problem… is me I’m just so done with this shit My hands hurt But my feet ? My feet have been soaked for four days If I ever get my shoes dry I shove my feet straight back into puddle We’re getting close to the end I’m letting go My body and my mind… …they’re just done I’m not motivated anymore It’s getting hard I’m dragging I’ve got nothing left I’m running on fumes That dumbass Garmin tells me the climb is over Yeah, sure You can totally tell Totally over Except there’s another one kicking off right behind it The French Divide really is something You get to see the country But damn, it’s hard ! It’s hard and… Sometimes it feels like… The difficulty’s just cranked up… Because Samuel’s a bit of a sadist He’ll throw in the steepest, nastiest climbs… Just for his own twisted pleasure Well… for ours too It’s basically a BDSM relationship We sign up knowing exactly what we’re in for We consent to the pain Not saying we don’t kinda enjoy it at first… How much is left ? 24 kilometers It never ends I did it French Divide was the challenge
I’d been wanting to do for years I did it But I’m so fucking over it I’m still wondering what the hell
I’m doing here… And why I even signed up for this The satisfaction… ? Sure, I did it More climbing
Again That’s astonishing We’re just regular dudes We’re nobodies And yet, people follow our trackers… Some even cheer us on by name It’s surprising Weirdly uplifting
Makes you feel like someone for a minute And the vibe with the wild snack stops along the road People inviting us into their homes, offering food Except for today
I’ve come across at least one wild snack stop every day 15 kilometers
We’re almost at the end I’m 7.5 kilometers from the finish line Still climbing Hey cows ! Can you believe it ? I’m almost done ! 4.79 kilometers Still some way to go I don’t know if this last downhill sums up
the whole French Divide… But we’ve got holly, brambles…
All the stuff that pricks Wouldn’t be surprised if there’s
a beehive waiting at the bottom There’s probably some mud too
Just to round out the highlights What else could we ask for ? Oh look, rocks ! Fuck, I could really do without that crap I’m so done
With this bullshit Chestnuts ! That’s new ! Chestnuts ! I’m 400 meters from the finish Well damn… 400 meters ! It’s over !!! Hi everyone You should make it harder next time Honestly… This is for gravel bikes He was being soft Bastard Is that a bad word ? No, no… That’s… a term of endearment Fuck