Chris Hoy’s Moon Cycling | Would I Lie to You? – S03 E07,08 & 09 – Full Episode | Banijay Comedy

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Chris Hoy’s Moon Cycling | Would I Lie to You? – S03 E07,08 & 09 – Full Episode | Banijay Comedy
Series: Would I Lie to You?
Episode: Series 03 Episode E07,08 & 09 (S03 E07, 08 & 09)

Would I Lie To You is a British comedy panel show hosted by Rob Brydon with team captains David Mitchell and Lee Mack. Teammates must remain poker-faced while revealing personal stories previously known only to their closest confidantes, being put through their paces in a quick-fire lies round, and explaining their real or invented relationship with a mystery studio guest – all with the ultimate aim of discerning the truth from the fiction.

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[Applause] tonight un would I lie to you he goes in succession sir Chris hoy making an impression Rony and coner and their team captain David Mitchell and facing them tonight sports fan Gabby Logan Yes Man Danny Wallace and their team captain Lee mck and here’s your host Rob

Bden good evening and welcome to would I light you the show that rewards the ability to deceive in medieval English courts the truth was tested by ordeals of fire and water on the basis a truthful person would be protected by God who would then let them live a long

And fruitful life until they died of syphilis age 22 when asked if lying is Justified a staggering 73% of University students simply copied their answer from Wikipedia and so to round one home truths where our panelists each read out a statement from the card in front of

Them to make things harder they’ve never seen the card before so they’ve no idea what they’ll be faced with it’s up to the opposing team to sift the fact from the fiction so uh Chris you’re first up please reveal all I have been approached by NASA to be

The first man to cycle on the moon pleas to my first instinct is why because obviously you can’t go that fast on the moon so it would be a waste of your talents they may as well take you Lee with all respect and I am imagining that your

Insurance is a lot higher than your insurance cavy why are you so convinced that it was Lee and Chris that got down to the last anyway when when it was straight after Beijing but two weeks after um but I had numerous requests and I had emails from all kinds of different people why

Do they wait two weeks Lee said no not straight away I thought about it for a couple of weeks I think I can uh sort this out it’s quite a bold claim uh you’re making there Chris tell me is it true it’s of course it’s true oh very good

Very good yes wait who who whoa he might might be lying he might be lying I thought of that yeah did they explain why it’s crucial to the future of space exploration to have you moving very slowly on on a bike that doesn’t work properly SL not with the stabilizers

He thought about a stabilizer it would any difference you know whether it’s fast or not is about the fact it was going to be a bicycle on the moon the first bicycle on the moon and and could you be asked could I be bothered if if it had been possible then

Yes it turned out it wasn’t possible to do why because you can’t fly a rocket how long would this whole trip have taken there’s so many safety procedures and you have to go through specific medical checks and all this stuff they were saying it was going to

Be it was going to be like two weeks of stuff just here that was one of the big issues for it not happening because of the time because it would take two weeks to do that a minute ago my friend you said when I put the question to you

Could you be bothered you said yes I would have done it and then because it was two weeks out of your schedule to go to the Moon do something no one else had ever done suddenly you couldn’t be bothered well when I say when I say I

Couldn’t be bothered it was it was pretty much down to the Federation there’s quite strict guidelines in terms of what you can do what you can’t do you can’t go to the Moon that’s mentioned that’s the first Clause one all the time no drugs

Oh by the way new one no going to the Moon is this an ordinary bicycle they asked you to do no it was would have been a special bikee off-road tires for a start and Offroad tires on moon tires there’s not many runs in the moon

Or TR my gut is saying that that he would have been approached to do this because people jump on the bandwagon don’t they the thing is right you have to work I’ve seen the I’ve seen people going to the moon on the Telly right and they were space costumes with helmets

Like goldfish bows right so he’d have to wear this costume like that and he’d be sat on what he’s admitted himself is’s a reasonably ordinary bike with slightly wider tires that’s an image I I mean it be like Aon Holmes riding a tricycle so is he telling the truth Lee

Cost a lot to put a man on the moon doesn’t it and a bike and a bike well do when you put it on the British Rail don’t you have to pay two quid for the bike I’m going to say lie then what are you going I’m going to go with my team

Say it’s a lie we’ll say a lie then you’re saying lie okay uh sir Chris Po it is is it a liee a lie it was a lie at Chris hasn’t been approached by NASA to cycle on the moon although he has cycled through the lobby

Of a Travel Lodge so has experience of peddling somewhere hostile with no atmosphere daddy Lan you’re next when I present a show for the first time I like to wear red underwear oh David’s team do people are genuinely moved by that why red is a color synonymous with

Luck and Fortune uh with the Chinese anyway and um and I right you you must know what superstitions I don’t I don’t follow superstitions you should you’d be really good then the Chinese this Chinese thing with red um do you none of you looked like you had any recognition of that I

Thought this was quite well known I associate red with sort of Communism and and the color bits of the map are painted during the Glory Day of the British Empire the Chinese do get married in red they do but you’re not Chinese why do you find that the need to go for a

Chinese customer what’s wrong with our luck what’s wrong with a nice horseshoe or something you have to go for Chinese luck that’s better alternitive luck nothing on good conventional luck an operation not acupuncture I’m not sure if there are actually any colors synonymous with luck

In the UK I’m not really sure why don’t you stick to magpies in your bra bad luck I do actually I do actually say if I see one Magpie I say hello Mr Magpie how’s your partner because you have to say partner you can’t say wife or husband right that would be assuming

That they have a heterosexual relationship so a man it’s political correctness G David uh what do you reckon um it’s very hard I’m a very indecisive person as you know Rob I don’t it’s very well iang on a minute as you know Rob that makes it sound like I’m always

Coming on to and you’re always saying I can’t make my mind up what do you think well it’s a difficult one you’re the captain come on it’s your choice you want me to show leadership oh Christ I’m going can you imagine if he’d had been on your Olympic

Train I can’t get to win well just try cycling quicker I don’t know I can’t just you’re saying it’s I’m saying true you’re saying it’s I think it’s a lie but um on balance I think it’s a lie so I’m going to say lie you’re saying that

Your team considered a lie Gabby Logan is it a lie or is it the truth it is the truth yes it’s true uh when Gabby presents a show for the first time she does like to wear red underwear actually when I’m presenting I like to wear my

Lucky pants I’ve had them for 10 years and I’m sticking to them Danny your turn all right here we go whenever someone recognizes me but can’t place me I tell them I’m part of the Olympic cycling team David’s team what do you think so uh why do you do that other than you

Know hilariousness well it’s kind of that thing where people come up to you and they think they sort of they might know you but I’m not one of those sort of really well-known faces so you have to come up with something and you come up with something sort vaguely plausible

For example I’m the comedian Danny Wallace my yeah but then it’s quite awkward if they say I I don’t know what that means I have had different things in the past someone asked me if I was Danny Glover that was that was quite awkward

Um that’s true yeah uh yeah and I had to say what the the black American Film film star of the Lethal Weapon series and they they said yes and I went yes I am all I’m saying is I get confused for other people and sometimes it’s nice to

Send them on their way thinking oh yeah that is that guy so who which of the uh British cycling team do you pretend to be I pretend to be Danny Wallace presumably you must you must know a bit about cycling in order to to kind of

Bluff you away in case they say oh that’s interesting what event you do well he knows the basics like it wouldn’t work on the moon yeah unlike some of us Chris yes to be fair Danny has got the haircut of a man who’s just ridden on a

Bicy backwards through a hedge on the moon what if they ask you do you shave your legs uh well has never really gone that far from where you’re sitting can you see Chris’s thighs cuz from where I’m sitting they are massive seriously have you ever been able to put your legs

Together I don’t want to insult your legs per se Danny it’s just that if you are an Olympic champion cycling then that is going to have some notable effect on your physique let’s not forget I’m not actually on the Olympic Sig team so you can’t well your legs aren’t big

Enough for a start and also you don’t shave them it’s a lie I think I I think it’s a lie because I I think it’s a lie I mean why not just say who you are it just comes down to Danny’s impish sense of

Fun and I think we all think it’s a lie you all think it’s a lie okay so uh Danny Wallace truth or lie it’s a lie yes as we suspected it’s alive I could have been part of the Olympic cycling team if it hadn’t been for my lack of training uh determination

Fitness and bike our next round is called The Ring Of Truth in which I read out some amazing celebrity facts and all our teams have to do is decide whether they’re true or not so David’s team take a look at this two people from the audience

Please good to F my world this just C please check the bag check the bag if the SE in the chap [Applause] doors [Applause] [Applause] I have to say if if British police want to crack down on knife crime I think the first person they should search is Keith chuin that’s a good point cuz that that doesn’t look like a very dangerous trick but that would have been during Keith’s drinking

F with a pair of scissors yeah I think anyone that drunk comes that close to me with a knife I’d be glad to be in a bag here’s the related fact then for David’s team a Prince Charles became a member of the magic circle when he auditioned using his cup and balls

Trip I think we all know that it’s got absolutely nothing to do with testicles or anything and no need for people to be tittering away about that sort of I think this is true he wouldn’t have the time on his hands to practice mag he’s got such an important job this was in

1975 David things he’s got to do in his day he’s got to talk about the the buildings and and make all the biscuits and and then I suppose you probably found a bit of time I see he said I’ve met him twice and he said the same thing

To me twice two years apart what did he say SP ages talking to somebody it was a lineup thing and he was talking to the person next to me for about 20 minutes and he got to me and he went um do you know him it’s eminently possible you know

He’s got a lot of time to piss away so I mean look at him he’s at least it keeps him off the source you know you’re saying it’s true um well let me surprise you by telling you that it is true yeah Prince Charles did become a member of

The magic circle after auditioning with his cup and balls trick in fact Charles still practices magic and regularly makes his crown jewels disappear inside a horse box I’m doing it with charm and a cheeky grin now le team take a look at this the automatic public convenience

Commonly known known as a superl plays music is centrally heated and washes itself out after it’s been used tramps try to use them for a night’s sleep prostitutes use them for their business they’re in there for 15 minutes and then it’s all over the door opens automatically after 15

Minutes uh homosexuals use them people leave shopping bags in there wallets their briefcase anything at all anything you think of carrying with you in the day you’ll usually find in the laboratory sooner or either I know the bgs haven’t done much recently but it’s robing Gibb a toilet

Attendant here is the related fact then for Lee’s team Gary barow has a microphone installed in his downstairs bathroom to record new song ideas as it’s where he feels the most creative and it’s it isn’t just a l it is a proper downstairs bathroom there is a

Bath in there as well well Gary bow strikes me as uh No Nonsense salt of the earth you know common sense I trust him I trust Gary barow and he seems to be in his Pursuit for excellence with the noble ballad putting lots of electrical equipment in a bathroom so that his

Loved ones risk their lives for his art yeah I don’t think Gary bar would do that yeah it’s just bit like having a toaster in the bathroom because it’s where you get peckish yeah thought I was believeable Gary B has anyone met Gary I have met him when

I did top of the pops oh [Applause] uh he was very very calm he talks like Ringo Star now hello I’m Gary Barlo um what do you reckon is it true what is your gut saying it said no it’s a lie said it’s a lie go that your Tommy

Tells you it’s yeah lie well then I’ll go with my team and say it’s a lie you’re saying it’s a lie I am it’s actually a lie Com Gary’s biggest number one was back for good his biggest number two was backstage at the Sheffield Arena after a prawn madrass which means at the end of that round it’s Lee’s team in the lead by four points to two our next round is called this is my

Where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panelists now this week each of David’s team will claim it’s them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it’s up to Lee’s team to a spot who’s telling the truth so please welcome this week’s

Special guest [Applause] [Applause] Silvan so uh Ronnie anona what is Silvan to you this is Silvan and he designed a household robot that speaks with my voice all right um Chris this is silven and he’s my M and he was also the guitarist in Simply Red right all right and finally David uh this is Silvan and

He’s my next door neighbor and I promised I’d get him on TV after after he complained about an allight party in my flat so there we have it Lee where would you like to start well I sort of remember a bit about Simply Red muh do

You remember him in Simply Red uh he was a lot more Ginger what what was he the guitar player did you say the guitarist yeah leag guitar or bass guitar I wasn’t a big fan of Simply Red at the time no offense to Sil I’m just curious though

How you go from being a really good guitarist to I’m sure a really good masso it is a good point Gabby you don’t spend 10 years of your life you know and it’s high up because that’s how they did it in Simply Red doing all that right he

Did that playing the Bas just he got his fingers against his muscles and he and he thought I’m quite good at this they don’t SE any cyclists I’ve got an idea David on average how often would you say you David Mitchell throw all night parties once every just like a ballp figure 14.7

Years to talk us through what happened there’s a knock on the door I’m assuming knock on the door and uh and I I answer the door and Silvan said I’m you know can you please make a bit less noise I’m trying to sleep she and at which point I

Felt very guilty I said Yes we made a bit less noise what were you celebrating your highest score at Scrabble what was what was it all about um it was after an awards do you just went everyone back to back to mine not every it was about sort of eight people

So okay how about Ronnie what do these robots look like and what will they do when eventually they are developed to be honest I actually haven’t seen one I was employed sort of as a voiceover artist um I what do the voice do the voice of the robot yeah I recorded a

Whole lot of stock phrases give us give us some stock phrases now okay um my task is complete okay what do you want me to do now let’s stay on that one any others no master sexual acts are forbidden what you say David I feel like I’ve just been turned down by

C3p this is really really plausible it’s certainly more plausible than David having an all night party yeah okay we got to make a decision can we just have a quick look at silvan’s hands those are his hands they are nice actually that was a good clue because if he hadn’t

Have had any hands that would have ruled and the robot invention thing but not David’s cuz well actually knocked on the door no Gabby the L down I think gab’s cracked it and masseus needs good strong hands Bas player needs good strong hands I’m with Logan I I think we’re airing

Towards Chris then aren’t we yeah what you going to say I’ll go with Chris okay Silvan would you like to reveal your true identity uh I am Chris Hoy myself and to be in simply right wow I have a little knock here could you just just come and have a little go

Would I put some effort into it man don’t just lean over my God David could have done that don’t thank you very much indeed congratulations which brings us to our final round quick fire lies in which our panelists lie not only through their teeth but also against the clock now David’s team are

Currently behind so they need to pull their finger out starting with uh it’s Lee I can’t eat custard creams because they remind me of Spencer Whitfield who bullied me at school D what did Spencer Whitfield do to you he uh p me down with his mates

And he forced fed me custard creams why not just beat you up why did they want to feed you carded cream did you look thin we the kind of lessons we had was um I believe it or not in secondary school right we’ll go around the class

And you’ve all got to tell us your favorite biscuit one you like one you hate what subject was this it was home economics and uh did you do a level home economics no I didn’t do a levels obviously look at me what do you think the effect of a levels on the face

Are see got the scars the type of school you went to if you were a boy you couldn’t do home economics you would have been doing woodwork yeah no I think you’re mixing me up with the film kez well it was a choice between Cals and coal I was allowed to choose home

Economics why did you choose that subject about genuinely I thought it was about money I thought I’d learn how to use money in a sensible way and I got in there and it was uh full of the uh kids that wanted to do cooking and needlecraft who were big

Bullies so David what are you going to say I don’t think it’s true really but um you you’re pretty set on on it being a lie okay fair enough um Lei is is it true or is it a lie it’s a lie next uh David the only concert I have ever been

To was by Shirley Bassie where was that it was at the bit of Wembley that’s not a football stadium but is nevertheless a very large the tube station no no I think they Arena the arena ARA and did you go who did you go with I went with uh a friend of mine

Called John and uh what period was this uh it was the 18th century I think about seven or eight years ago was she surprisingly good she was pretty good she was incredibly loud don’t expect that to you had a concert can you remember any of the

Songs she sng I think she sung I think she sang All the like gold things he definitely sung diamonds out forever as well and I can’t help thinking you know nothing about sh but youve watched a lot of James Bond before I can’t believe you’ve never been to a classical concert

Okay so what do you think Lee it’s uh I’m aous I don’t know I I can believe David doesn’t strike me uh as the type of person that would go to loads of gigs yeah so it is possible that he’s not been to a concert before it’s a lie yeah

What do you think Gabby he’s very clever though isn’t he well he’s not that clever I mean he’s it’s all a facade actually the clever one this is an act when we go backstage I’m like David marvelous performance and he’s like oh they fell for it

Again so we’re saying I think like you uhhuh it’s a lie okay my team say it’s a lie so we’ll say that that is indeed a lie you’re saying it’s a lie okay David is it true it is true oh next it’s Gabby I have a possession ah right well

Then take out the box underneath that’s it pop it on the desk these are some of the birthday cards that I’ve posted to my pets okay without looking at the cards can you tell us oh no these these are all these are all sent to um Sydney no

Hang on a second that’s to Jody who’s Sydney Sydney’s the dog right Jody Jody Marsh lives in a basket under a bed Jody’s a rabbit have you always had pets ever since I was a small child my mom actually ran over a cat once so we never

We weren’t allowed cats after that but my seems rather unfair was she afraid that the cat Community would take their Revenge can we have a look at the C no you can’t no no no you can look at them if you want to Chris CH you get them so

We can all enjoy your thighs walk across the stage you can’t read them look at the front take them and read them do whatever you want yes he can touch those cards and you’ll be cycling on the other side of your you can’t the rules of the game say you

Can’t if you think that’s going to stop me you are so mistaken give them over hand the over hold on to your princip can’t find them cards now thank you now it’s a shame we had to do that wasn’t it we might as well now we’ve well this one is to Michael

Is that a pet name for Jody or Sydney I don’t know sort of in a way it’s less trivial and the Pet’s own name this is this is to sherbet why is this one to sherbet because Sydney’s real pedigree name is sherbet arai grunfeld really and why didn’t you

Mention that Rai runel that’s his official name Sydney is a name and in an official birthday card you use a short of the official name who’s Michael Michael okay no Jodie the rabbit does this dance where she goes oh and we said she looks like

So so David what are you going to say it’s it’s a difficult one I just it’s got to be a lie surely Sor we’ve got to go for a lie you’re saying lie okay so Gabby were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie I was telling a Lie oh and that noise signals times up it’s the end of the show and I can reveal that David’s team have five points and Lee’s team have five points it’s a draw that it’s not just a team game at my individual liar of the week this week is Gabby

Logan an incredible result for Gabby whose uh eighth place in the rhythmic gymnastics at the 1990 ockland Commonwealth Games suddenly pales into insignificance good [Applause] Night [Applause] Tonight or would I lie to you made to measure triny W comedy treasure Rees sherith and their team Captain damid Mitchell and facing them tonight fresh from the West End Michael B TV’s his best friend Charlie Brooker and their team captain Lee Mack and your host Rob [Applause]

Brighten good evening and welcome along to would I lie to you the show all about lies and lying now according to research the most common lies are about Affairs and money so men if you do spend the night with another woman don’t make things worse by lying to your wife about

How much she cost you when you give someone a fake smile you don’t use the same set of muscles as when you smile at them genuinely it’s easy to tell the difference say genuine smile is the one you get from your dear old mom as you walk up the path to the

Care home on a Sunday afternoon a fake smile is the one you give her back and so to round one home truths where our panelists take it in turns to read out a statement from the card in front of them and to make it particularly difficult they haven’t seen

The card yet so they don’t know if it contains a truth or a terrible terrible lie that we’ve made up for them Michael Ball is first up Michael what would you like to tell us thank you I have a three-part rich I have to adhere to

Before I go on stage David’s team how true is this okay what what are the three parts firstly I there’s a suite that I have to have before um I feel comfortable a site a sweet uh part two part two is um they have to hurry is

Having to is putting on a spray is spraying me with uh so I smell nice I smell nice for the ladies and gentlemen what spray what spray uh Madame Rosa because I’m playing I’m in Hairspray and it’s a woman and okay so I so it’s a recent thing since you were in

Hairspray uh it depends uh theme a different smell for every right thing I do what did you what did you do when you were in cats I just I didn’t do cats what’s the third part the third part tapping Tapp tapping tapping what did you tap tapping um parts of my

Body can you demonstrate yes uh you go there and then you go there and your hands right ta your yeah well there we are there are lots of people around the country just like Michael who need your help please send whatever you can uh David’s team what do you think uh this

Thing about tapping I I know about tapping and you started doing it correctly and then you stopped cuz I thought are you giving too much away if you continue tapping correctly you didn’t even do this this is where doctors do it it’s probably not if you have a lung

Disease fairies he’s never claimed to be a doctor I think well there is the once but that was just to get you to the next stage there can’t be a perfume for every character you play in musicals no I wouldn’t have thought so yeah but it could be that’s what you’re saying this

Character yeah yeah Madame rat whatever you called yourself is it real yeah but it’s not one you’d associate with hairspray I’d associate Charlie or something with air spray he does like the dressing room as well I with the old days so my feeling is that it’s a lie at the

Moment I think he’s telling the truth so you’re drifting drifting towards a li it was too vague yes it’s 21 we’re re it’s a lie you’re saying it’s a lie okay Michael what is the answer it is in fact the truth job so uh yes it’s true Michael

Does have a freeart ritual that he has to carry out before going on stage lots of stars have little rituals Amy win housee always has a small glass of dry white wine wine and a large glass of Brandy and then a liter and a half of meths triny you’re next

Oh Marx and Spencer’s mannequins are based on my body just just the female one I was going to say not the M surely how did this work was it did you have a mold of your body what you do is you do a um like a plaster of Paris on your

Body I’m going to say really slowly a man takes this Gunk and he why did they want you they used to model is it the head as well or just the body no they the body but the yeah they didn’t bother doing your head no they

Did my head but it was so they basically decided that you’d be the right body to advertise but they went we don’t want the face look youing that what did you look different like when you were mother were you when they going no we’ll go with the body what’s wrong with the face

I had acne actually I had very bad acne they could have sanded it down not you the modle I mean the modle they cast the face and then they get a bit of like grade two just shave off the acne does it hurt when they peel it off

Is it like you know when you pull a plaster off quickly is it like before they put on the plaster Paris you’re wrapped in saren wrap but then you’d get all the you’d get the the the lumps wouldn’t you I tell you I’ve had you do

You think about it I had it for a a show I was in called the woman in white and it would all buckle and and then if you pour something in on that you’d get all the the lines on it I’d have thought well you could just sand it off like the acne

Yeah so Lee what do you think all right why I don’t think it’s true is that surely mannequins come in different sizes CU otherwise no no no clothes come in different sizes and they put the right size on the mannequin to make them look as attractive as they possibly can I love

Bo disgusting fashion wait you got I got Charlie off you got cast before didn’t you you were cast for a big set of fake breasts for a show weren’t you no that wasn’t me she was talking she was talking to David I’m sure you got fitted for a

Prosthetic set of breasts for a show fantasy darling did I dream that because would be a body we think that’s a lie okay is it fact or Fiction it you got feel it is a lie marks and Spencer mannequins are not based on triny’s body um but it’s true isn’t it that Susanna did provide the inspiration for their large sacks of potatoes Reese your turn to confess for a summer I worked at a funeral directors that offered themed

Funerals what’s a themed funeral give give us an example of a theme well you can have um a medieval one how does a medieval funeral work you have it when you’re 26 well it was there was a king and queen right obviously who who were the

King and queen the the sort of The Departed person the nearest people to the person who died they dress up yes yes they dress up oh I say so it’s not just the dead person everyone’s got to be people are alive are dressed up and the dead person’s dead he doesn’t know

Because you’re too upset we’ve had medieval medieval could you give me three others there was um a Valentine’s Day Massacre one oh come true what did that tell us actually called Valentine’s Day Massacre it’s called the Blue Parrot what it was well the blue parot is the name of the

Supposed club that the all the the people they’re all believe in it now look at that the St Valentine’s Day Massacre was a was a an atrocity why a funeral is depressing enough why would you want to make it more depressing it’s not me personally it was on the

List what what was beyond the pale like if I came and said I want a cannibal themed funeral there was one who came and wanted all the people to be serial killers but dress is realiz you said I genuinely thought you said Canon and ball what are you talking about he’s

Dead he is dead did you ever get a point where there was like another regular funeral going on at the same time and maybe they were slightly upset to look over and see people in zany it’s a knockout costume burning a corse into the ground there it

Was only ever atorium that wasn’t ever burials so it was quite private what if they said before the cror he was a big fan of bonfire night can you stuff it with fireworks Catherine Wheels the lot and then when it goes behind the curtain pin the cough into a wall and

Watch it spin [Applause] round so Lee what what are you saying what the decision you I’m I am so I’m getting genuinely annoyed by this cuz I know we’ve got to say it’s a lie cuz if we say true and it’s a lie everyone at

Home is going to be going how could that possibly and then there’s a massive voice in my head going this is true I know exactly what really yeah there is I I just the St Valentine’s Day know I know it sounds ludicrous Le man make a decision what

Common sense yeah it’s a lie let’s not look stupid all right go on we’ll say it’s a lie saying it’s a lie okay Reese fact or fiction it is lie it is indeed a lie uh Reese didn’t used to work at a funeral directors that offered themed funerals actually I plan

To put my ashes while still hot in one of those Council wheelie bins that’ll show them Charlie Brooker you’re up next for six years I pretended to a girlfriend that I was partially deaf seems reasonable enough um David’s team what do you think after how many

Years going out with her did this start um shamefully quickly was by pretending to be partially how you clinched the deal early on you saying I have to use pity to attract people I’m saying you might have used pity I’m not above it did she have a very irritating habit

That precipitated your going deaf yes talking um she was talking about something that was very important to her some emotional thing right and um she said you weren’t listening to me and got very upset started crying and so I thought I’ll lie and tell her I’m deaf

In one ear which I did and and at that point what you’re saying to her is I I didn’t hear anything because I’m deaf in one ear I thought we were sitting together in silence what I thought was happening no I I had my attention taken up with

Something else and I I I said it apologetically stroking his guide dog well that’s what he called it did you elaborate on why you were DEA in the year after you had to go what was what was your reason I said that when I was a child I had nearly drowned when I

Was like four in a swimming pool and this had left me deaf in one ear clearly don’t tried shaking my head and I felt quite bad cuz I I told the LIE early on and then I had to maintain it so did you tell her ever after the 6 well did the

Relationship just break up and you never told her I never told her I I didn’t tell her I told I I wrote about it in a newspaper column that’s nice she’s a Jordy they’re robust so actually to be fair that now that adds Credence to the fact he didn’t want to hear us

So I’m just trying to put myself in the position of that woman six years you’ve lied you’ve lied to me a big lie it’s quite a big lie you’d be surprised how often it doesn’t come up now that now that’s a that’s a big and the advantage

Is after telling that lie half the times it comes up you can pretend you haven’t heard it so what do you think so you think it’s a lie you think it’s a lie horrifically I think it’s true I think it might be true you think it’s

True Charlie is it truth or lie it’s uh it’s True everything everything that you just told us is true yeah so but I’m afraid it is and it was Terri it was such a burden oh poor you yeah we the first time I introduced her to my parents we’re going down to meet them on the train I suddenly thought oh

God she’s going to mention the and so I had to turn around to her and say don’t bring it up my mother blames herself I didn’t want to lose her I was desperate having told this terrible lie I was locked into it I could I didn’t

Tell her I was going to can’t you see the that don’t you find that MO moving you coldhearted monsters I’m not having this I you can’t call us coldhearted you do you you’ve live make mistakes David yes and for which they must be punished oh yes it’s uh it’s amazingly

True uh Charlie did pretend to a girlfriend for six cruel years that he was partially deaf ironically like all his other girlfriend she was partially cited our next round is called The Ring Of Truth I’ll be offering the team some bizarre celebrity facts but are they true or did we get them from

Wikipedia Lee’s team take a look at this clip um we do a bigger one for the trucker for the actual the really hungry person which consists of a Stak kidney pie beans tomatoes chips mushrooms fried potatoes too thick bread and butter and it comes up really Heap

Well up on a plate like lean chips bacon and chips sausage and chips corn beef and chips egg bacon and chips everything what goes with chips I should say what they didn’t show you there was the toilet where jilli and mcki were spending one of the happiest

Days of her life so here’s the related fact right for Lee’s team Christina Aguilera once followed a strict diet where every meal had four food items one crunchy one soft one hot and one cold Le’s team could that be true that’s not very specific is it there are more

Specifics they had to be bold colored you know example meal right raw red pepper which would be red and cold steamed broccoli which would count for green and hot scrambled eggs yellow and hot and Raw carrot sticks which as we all know are orange and cold they’re not

Cold they’re crunchy that’s two crunchy things the Pepper’s cold cold as well unless youve heated them up yes I know but it but the system is one crunchy one soft one hot one cold so don’t don’t start talking about something that might coincidentally be cold and crunchy that’s just confusing selling point was

It’s crunchiness I’ll give you that in in in this instance the carrots there playing the crunchy Ro crunchy and could say to the pepper actually I’ve done cold as well but today I’m I’m on crunchy all right I’ve been crunchy but today I’m cold you know any food can be

Served in all of those ways you’re quite right no a grape cannot be crunchy you idiot have you never eaten the don’t talk to Michael Paul like that he was in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang what have you ever done what if you froze a gra Hey listen I sat through him in Chitty

Chitty Bang Bang I know worked harder all i’ I have an Olivia award I think it’s true cuz that’s the sort of stupid thing that people like her do to give life some purpose and meaning is come up with a set of arbitrary rules something for them to

Think about while they’re sitting on their thin asses okay I think it’s I think it’s true I’ll go on I’ll go with my team on this one and say that that’s the truth you’re saying it’s true okay uh Li it is true [Applause] Oh it’s true Christina will go through any links to make maintain that slightly [ __ ] look we’ve all come to know and love which means at the end of that round um Lee’s team is in the lead by four points to two our next round is called this is my

We about to bring on a mystery guest that each of Le’s team will claim to have a special relationship with but only one of them will be telling the truth and it’s up to David’s team to decide who so please welcome this week’s special guest Donna [Applause] So Charlie first what is Donna to you uh this is Donna who’s teaching me basic Home Maintenance all right uh lee what what is Donna to you this is Donna and she saved my life when she threw me a life belt after I fell off my

Boat okay uh Michael what is Donna to you uh this is Donna she uh has been my number one super super fan since she was 17 uh she even has a toilet seat cover with my face on it Michael has a fan David’s team who would you like to

Start with Michael when did you start your relationship with your fan uh I I have a relationship with with most of my fans how did you how did you get to know uh Donna yeah I I’ve uh seen her at the uh front of crowds of audiences come and

Waited at stage doors and you sign autographs and you stop and you have a chat some shows only Donna turns up only Donna is there so what makes Donna your number one fan well a number of things I released a a a charity single and so she

Went and bought them all in a shop and then sold them on at her school isn’t that illegal open air concerts she’ll she’ll always try and be the first down the front so she’ll go into training prior to uh the game so that she can get there

First do you have like a number two fan and a number three fan well it’s it’s um no no that everyone’s number one Charlie what sort of Home Maintenance tips are you being given very very basic ones my home’s a mess and I’m not very good at sort of

Maintaining you know looking after anything in my house so an ex-girlfriend um paid for me to have these uh lessons where I basically learn it’s it’s basic stuff do you mean like how to change a plug yes well yes that was one of the first things we did I’ve I’ve

Only to be honest I’ve only gone three times and I where you where you go gone where just in a community center down the road are you doing it for a magazine article no no I’m doing it because I’m a pathetic human Charlie what is the first rule of Home Maintenance

Club you don’t talk about homemade um Le tell us the story of your your boating trip where where was the boat the boat was on the river temps were you by yourself uh well I was actually with my dog and one other person what is the

Dog come first what right why does the dog go first that’s exactly what my wife says right why do you introduce me like that all the time this is my dog pickles and one other person one person who was the other person my wife boat is this I’m not a boat well

It’s a it’s a twin engine 28t furline sunfury and as we all know they can go up to 45 knots but on the temps as we all know you can’t break six knots just to give you an idea of how fast six knots is if someone is walking beside

You and you wave to them you’re committed to it for about 2 hours right and um how did you fall in well I was I was I was actually trying to uh go around the this side of the boat to to undo the gas canister at the

The front so we could make a cup of tea and I I went down the side and slipped why didn’t your wife TR to save you she can’t swim and what’s Donna got to do with it she hasn’t appeared yet in this story yes well Donna was on another boat

Coming the other way and I slipped in and then she just threw me the ring and she did so your wife because she can’t swim also won’t throw you a life so what do you say what is she chenny I think when Donna came in the

Only person who didn’t look at her was the guy in the middle his name is his name Lee tr’s he’s a popular comedian you stop treating me like staff no I’m I can’t decide between Michael and Lee I don’t believe Lee would go boating very much and why wouldn’t I go boating

Very much um just doesn’t suit you why all right then she saved me when I was trying to chase after a whip it ree do you have any uh any suspicions which way this should go I think um that Lee is telling the truth you think Lee

Yeah okay that your answer Lee okay Donna would you reveal your true identity I’m Michael’s number one F yes um get this you got it we say congratulations to Donna and thank you very much indeed for coming Donna thank you which brings us to our final round

Quick fire lies in which our panelists lie not only through their teeth but against the clock uh David’s team are currently behind so we’re going to give them one last chance to catch up starting with that’s David three members of the cabinet subscribe to my Twitter feed please

Explain for for some of the less with IT Crowd what a Twitter is well it’s Twitter is a website where you can essentially leave messages of up to 140 characters all right um and no longer okay uh least you made it sound so Dynamic can see why it’s so popular I

Can’t why did you sign up because someone on it was impersonating me what someone on Twitter was pretending to be me and putting messages on it like going to Peep Show production meeting everyone there is an [ __ ] which I did not wish to be published under my name and who

Are the who are the cabinet ministers they are uh Andy Burnham the culture secretary aliser darling who is the chancellor of the ex can you say cheer like that again chance exer and Alan Johnson if this is true is there any wonder the financial crisis we’re in how many followers do you have

About 27,000 what sort of information would you be giving that so interesting that they’re going to sign up to follow you of all the people in the country I think you you can follow more that sounded really confrontational a very popular young man in the current entertainment

And a lot of people enjoy his work and they want to get close to him and they follow him been on question time he’s been on major political force Charlie wait let’s have a guess it’s a lie true a lie a lie if anybody is talking through the internet to cabinet

Members it’s Dave Mitchell he’s not talking he never I’m on that he never BL he doesn’t really say much you’re frankly you’re boring on there I think it might be true are you saying true I you can say that if you want to lose the game

Okay it’s a li okay I think it’s a lie must a lie I don’t absolutely convinced it’s a lie I think it’s true and I’m I’m going to go with you you two but particularly you if it goes wrong okay you’re saying it’s a lie David is it true it is a

Lie uh it is a lie very big lie uh there are not three members of the cabinet who subscribe to David’s Twitter feed I myself don’t get all the fuss about Twitter I think people have forgotten the simple pleasure of just sitting down and talking to friends on Skype and next it’s

Early I kept my car running for two months by cracking an egg into it every day David’s team is that possible when you say cracking eggs into it where do you mean in in the petrol tank or in in the petrol tank are you a fool do you

Know nothing of cars EG not egg running cars well if you in a car you have um a radiator if the if the radiator cracks all the water comes out yeah but interestingly if you put an egg in the radiator it’s it goes it congeals and it

Seals the hole in the radiator because the the egg Cuts so why didn’t you go and get it fixed well that’s a good question see triny I couldn’t afford it so I thought it’s about 150 quid to get the radiator replaced now it was my first car the eggs must have cost you

100 quid no no they weren’t free range darling no no no no I’m talking really did you do an egg a day cruel and cheat they used to be go did you do an egg a day I can pump out 50 a day was the advert who needs who needs to move his

Head that’s what the ad who needs to move his head 50 a day that’s me so what do you think is it true or is it a lie can’t be true what do you think I think it’s a lie okay lie you’re saying it’s a

Lie uh lee tell us the truth it is in fact done oh yes very good it’s uh it’s very very true indeed leac motto is if there’s a job worth doing it’s worth doing haphazardly with some Farm produce oh and that noise signals times

Up and it’s the end of the show and I can reveal that tonight’s winners are Le’s team by a massive nine points to [Applause] two FR but it’s it’s not just a team game anymore my individual liar of the week is Michael Ball oh that’s great Michael Michael ball whose biggest

Lie prior to tonight was Love Changes Everything I I can tell you from experience Michael that what actually changes everything is having your girlfriend come home to find you prancing around the bedroom in her underwear good night [Applause] [Applause] oh Tonight on the best of w I lie to you Carol bman Jan at Street Porter omy Jalil Russell Howard Ken Livingston Clive Anderson Miranda Hearts Reginal D Hunter Terry Christian and their team captain Lee Mack and facing on tonight Jamia Steven Mangan Gloria Winkleman Marcus Bricker burn Britain Davina MCO

Joe Brown and their team captain David Mitchell and your host Rob Bon good evening and welcome to would I light you the show that rewards the ability to deceive Mark Twain said if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember what you said well Twain I just write down my lies and keep them in a

File then color code them so I can see who I told the lies too then I have them cross referenced with another file in case I meet someone else who might have heard the lie and I have the files maintained by a full-time secretary in my lie Library

Who’s on call 24 hours in case I need a spreadsheet of the lies to be emailed over and so to round one home truths Carol your first up please reveal all on countdown if I worked out the number puzzle before the time was up I used to play a little

Game that’s where I’ve seen you before so David’s team what do you think what what little game um well on the numers puzzle you know you to do the press the Target and the and tet there’s a time limit and then there’d be 30 you had 30 seconds to do something well most

Of the time I’d get the answer before the clock started so I had 30 seconds started yeah what I used to do I used to get my pen that I would write on the board with and I used to go around all the props boys and I used to make them

Tap the end of my pen and how many could tap the end of my pen in 30 seconds was the game so how many props guys props guys were required in the production of countdown well Joe’s been on countdown a lot so you know how we have uh someone

Like Harry or Vince or Stan who’ do the water Carol Carol Carol car we had oh yeah had CH my pen they probably sat there is this not distracting to the poor contestants who are trying to do some maths if out of shot slightly out of shot yes I feel

Sorry for this uh this new girl that’s doing the doing the numbers cuz all the props guy must be going oh you’ll have great fun on this show they would have said to her on the first day are we going to play Touch of the pen and got fired for sexual

Harassment we always played touch the pen with Carol well I’m sorry I’m just not like that David what are you and your teammates thinking well what I doubt is whether you would be allowed when the contestants are trying to work out the math to run around the studio getting men to touch your

Mark so we think it’s a lie I think think we do what a surprise okay Carol is it truth or is it a lie it is true brilliant now Then and do you know what it actually is lots of fun so you seriously did this do you know when I was being really cheeky I’d take the top off and then they all got Dirty Fingers I think you just like to behave outside of society’s rules I wouldn’t be surprised to find

Out you’re an enthusiastic dogger the DM my name stands for delicious obviously why well it was the late 60s when I was born in 1969 and uh black men my age around that time being given names like Reginal and Winston and delicious because because uh at that time in

America the affirmative action had just started so black women saw an opportunity for their children to get more jobs so what they did was we give him a name that will enable him to be you know recognizable yet dignified to potential employers and delicious is dignified well I mean you have to

Understand how it’s it’s a little different in the black community than it is in your white world like the name delicious commands great respect in the in the ghetto um you uh you probably don’t listen to much rap music do you f uh there uh MC delicious um um big papa delicious French

Golden and where did where did Reginal come from uh Reginal is a German name it means Mighty or wise power and um delicious means uh very tasty [Applause] what was your father’s name my father’s name is Homer and what was his middle bit he didn’t have a middle name no um uh he

Grew up in the 30s and 40s and it was very tough times for black people and he couldn’t afford a middle name and do you have brothers and sisters I do indeed and what are their names um well there’s there’s Brenda there’s Kathy there’s Oliver um there’s scrumptious

Oh I don’t think people would have thought that calling you delicious would help you get jobs except except as a food well I think should we say it’s a lie I think that’s what we so you’re saying it’s a lie yes okay

Re is it uh the truth or is it a lie it is a [Applause] lag I won a junior one man on his dog event when I was 14 as the shepherd or the dog did you grow up in the countryside nope so how come you got so good at you

Know maneuvering sheep and sheep dogs oh is that what it is sorry I thought cuz this was like one man in his dog well I was just I was going to ask you like how you think it was tell us what you you think it was I thought it was

One man in his dog just being judged no I did I sorry I didn’t know what what is it what is sheep hering yeah using a dog to come by come by all to that all that you’ve you’ve gone from novice to expert you had to take it over hurdles

Through like different you know like round a run you had to look after it had to be well washed and everything that’s dog agility mate that’s not it’s I just pictured you in CR then how come I haven’t wor he’s well washed no I mean

It I can’t do more than wash it can I so there were no sheep involved in this interpretation of the one man and his dog contest that you were involved in no sounds like you prosecuted a Welshman sorry r i no disrespect was it inside or outside well it was

Outside funny enough I I don’t know I’ve never been to one did you say I should know you’ve never been to one but you come by come by come by come by were you very keen on dog grooming no you weren’t on the internet tell you me yeah I’m a three-year-old puppy as

Well no I wasn’t keen on dog grooming well how did you end up in this competition where you might have to make a dog do weird things if he weren’t keen on looking after I was involved in a youth club all right what was the you

One of them like you know for not young offenders but kind of outrageous no I think this is a lie I think this is absolute lie he he didn’t train the dog he there was no sheep I mean I I also think this is a lie well I

Think we’re we’re unanimous oh you’re saying that it’s lie Terry Christian were you telling us the truth there or were you telling us a lie well sorry Lads oh is a Lie of course it was a lie the last time someone found a sheep in Manchester’s city center the locals thought they’d captured a Cloud now for David’s team take a look at this right somebody has founded up yeah somebody called Dave asking if we’ve got any sales jobs going get him in okay sometimes an individual can make the difference look at Julius Caesar Hannibal not Lector but Hannibal the commander he made a difference

Didn’t he defeated the Romans and he was an individual well this bloke could be the same and we’ve got to get him here to listen to him see what he’s got to say see okay you tell him it’s an introductory interview okay we want to

Find out a bit about you we want to find out what kind of personality you are what makes you tick yeah I found him now hello hello is that Dave um oh sorry someone’s giving me your number but I think it’s the wrong one mate I’m sorry about that let see if

He wants a sales J no it don’t sound right the Armstrong strongs there showing the kind of decision-making that can make the difference between failure and abject failure but here’s the related fact for David’s team when interviewing office staff Simon Cowell asks every candidate to give him 10 uses for a kettle the

Idea came to him after a Harvard Professor that’s a university in America Lee told him told him about the type of questions they ask applicants during the University admissions process and he decided to ignore those and just to ask about no this is one of the ones this is

Apparently this is one of the ones cuz it makes you think in your feet Well there’s almost nothing that you can’t believe he’d say in order to try and seem in some way different or interesting um he presses the hell out of me yeah that failed audition for The

X Factor still rankles doesn’t still rankles yeah appar this is how daddy Mano got a job is it cuz she really impressed him with an unusual use cuz she uses the kettle to melt down her face and remold it every minute so David’s team I think it’s a lie lie I

You’ve swayed me it’s a lie we’ll go with lie dav’s team are saying it’s a lie I can tell you that it is actually a [Applause] Lie Mick Jagger has been asked by a company if they can sell his ashes in collectible egg timers when he dies they offered Mick Jagger and it seems too good an opportunity to waste Mick Jagger they offered uh good they uh it’s not up there with my Ronnie Corbett I’m not

Going to say for a second that it is but it was working a but what would Ronnie Corbett sound like if he was singing a MC Jagger song yeah good ide good idea go go I Can’t Get No Satisfaction an Australia it was an a don’t try and look

Like you weren’t pleased to be asked David time to make a decision so we’re going to go with true you’re saying it’s true all right uh well let me tell you this it is [Applause] true please welcome this week’s special guest [Applause] Sadie hello so Lee what is sad to you this is sad she’s my children’s Nanny and the first time I met her I ran over her foot okay amid um this is Sadie and I employ her to massage my dog that’s not a euphemism and finally Janet s can to my

60th birthday party pretended to be a waitress so she could lick Daniel Craig’s plate so there we have it David’s team where do you want to start can I just check do you know Lee have you been to his house I I I can just about remember

His name wouldn’t you know his Nanny no because if I knew Lee’s Nanny I’d either have gone that’s Lee’s Nanny can I just point out Nanny hang hang on she’s my children Nanny I’m not complete [ __ ] she not my nanny now this this running over the foot business yeah that was the first

Time you met her correct and the circumstances were uh I was in the car and she was on the driveway correct what happened immediately after the foot running over moment oh you can you roll that forward ow that was my fault you see she’s laughing quite a lot

Now just like I have to laugh he’s my employer yeah but this wasn’t as it were how you met her you didn’t run over her foot and say you look like you might be a good nanny it was the first time she’d arrived at the house I hadn’t met i’ had

Never met her before cuz my wife your wife had interviewed her and yeah I can finish my own sentences I’m really good at it um my my wife had uh had interviewed actually you’re correct yesy why do you have to get your dog massaged first of all I it’s it’s my

Kids dog we’ve had the dog for about seven years uh they wanted to get a massuse because of arthritis it’s a spaniel we’ve had it for seven years so in dog years it’s about 42 so it’s quite early and I didn’t want to pay forus but couldn’t somebody else learn to massage

Instead it’s a very it’s a highly skilled thing it is it’s about 35s a session and how long are you going to have to do it until the dog dies uh I don’t we don’t know it it may be inde it you know you can have a dog put down for

30 Janet can I just check Sadie came around to your house she pretended that she was a waitress she wanted to lick Daniel Craig’s place and you didn’t just Chuck around and go you are completely weird you’re leaving no I don’t care there was a lot of people at the party

And S was at the party Daniel Craig was at a party sorry so Sadi was was invited to the party yeah yes the waitress Act was in order to gain access to the plate yes so what she did is instead of approaching through the ins and outs of

It I was being I was because it was my bloody birthday I was getting trashed I was having a good time like anyone ill tonight would do you know just P your 60 laugh doesn’t mean you can’t you know get off your trolley the question is why

Do you think that sad instead of using her position as a party guest to talk to Daniel Craig which is legit legitimate in a party I think you agree go really getting all my wit you want have you met anyone famous in your career really famous if you met Daniel cig Could you

Actually speak no there you go she’s right sorry are you going to walk over and stand there in answer to question here I we’re we’re all a bit scared now no hey I’m most scared cuz I’m closest all right we need an answer so uh so David’s team is sad and Nanny

Whose foot Lee ran over omid’s dog masseuse or a plat licking pretend waitress at Janet’s party Janet absolutely did couldn’t look at s when she walked in and I thought maybe that was because she really had licked embarrassing it’s an odd thing I mean I’m leaning I think it’s Omid or Janet

And I’m leaning towards Janet on this one right I’m going Janet okay well let’s go Janet you’re saying Janet okay uh sad would you like to reveal your true identity yes I POS at waitress yes I clear Daniel CL bway and yes I li it clean understand no Wow as a child at my grandparents house I had a little bell that I would ring if I wanted anything only at the grandparents house yes not at home cuz your parents did play that [ __ ] at the at home you just sort of went and what years are we talking about here

How old were you about six what were the things you wanted when you rang the bell more chips uh a glass of orange squash sense of purpose in life are you asking us to believe you had Orange Squash rather than servants pressing and fresh orange juice in many ways the level of my

Poshness has been exaggerated what I am welcome to my world sunny but the level of your poshness has been exaggerated so please team what what do you think we’ll say that that’s true you’re saying it’s true David is it true or is it a lie well it is in fact

True yes it’s true as a child David’s grandparents house did have a little bell that he would ring if he wanted anything dingling H could I have a poser upbringing Please if you give me any date before the year 2000 I can instantly tell you what day of the week it was bollocks the is this something you learn or is this a kind of you know Rainman type thing no no I had to well I had to learn you

Learned how to do it learned the system what’s what’s the system the system is uh what you do is you actually just learn wait you learn one you sat there trying to think of a system and what are your clamping for is you you actually just learn what day of the week every

Day is I can’t go back to like 14 BC right but I can I can do it right the way back to the sort of 1920s 1930s and what you do is you learn a Midway so you learn the 19 you learn one particular pit point in 1955 three months in 1955

You learn it off by heart those 90 days and then there’s a calculation that you can do to Plus or what’s that calculation take a day one of your you know your expert period around sew or whatever it was well you have to give me the exact year otherwise it’ll be too

Okay I I don’t mind right the 14th of May 1955 Tuesday Tuesday and so how do you extrapolate from your knowledge of that to go back to the 1920s to the 23rd of June 1927 it’s dead simple y it’s seven hang on to the power of

Two then you take away 10% unless it’s a leap year and is it a leap year 1955 of course not you idiot I was 54 and of course this is 55 elate what absolute CR did you hear that what an idiot said he’s o educated what n year is a leap

Year seven to the power of two 7 power of two is9 10% 4.9 so you got 44.1 correct I was going to say that’s not a day of the week that’s. 44.1 you round it up or round it down which is 44 the door 21 two and one

Is three Sunday’s the first day Sunday Monday Tuesday so David lie you’re saying it’s a lie okay Lee are you telling a lie of course I’m telling a lie I have told my children that every time they lie a puppy dies somewhere now you’ve used this line on the

Children has it actually stopped them from lying well it certainly seems to have done yeah cuz they do care about puppies yes must have been a relief actually that you’re saying that didn’t result in your children telling loads and loads of lies and getting excited by the prospect of puppy

Death it’s heartening on that level I don’t have sadistic children but it’s also bad advice cuz what if a dog goes to attack them and they tell a li die and the dog still gets thems the nearest the nearest dog will die so you just well statistically you’d hope fire

Osmosis the LI will kill essentially tell the LIE dog death spreads out from you till it finds a dog the dog dies and then the wave of dog death stops can I just ask Joe why a puppy and not a kitten he’s not sick it it was a difficult decision to

Make it was a toss up between a kitten a puppy and their dad and kind of puest of the sweetest what is your verdict my team say true you’re saying true yeah okay so Joe is it true it’s a lie it’s a lie oh possession ah now there’s a box

Just behind the stage there Claudia if you’d like to get the box hold on bear with me uh take take out its contents okay in here is my pet cat from when I was little and my dad had her stuff for me when she died oh here she is

Oh going just pop her on the desk there what she run over this is coffee coffee coffee and um she was my most loved love pet and she died when I was 14 I could even get upset about it now and how did you go on

Man why did you can get upset did but you’re Happ to exploit her on a light entertainment panel show did you want your father to stuff your cat no but I was so devastated I was so upset that she died my dad as a present uh gave her

To me all stuffed and she came to my wedding sorry sorry came to your wedding I think Le not of her own accord was she a bridesmaid and came down on a trolley I just don’t believe Claudia even in Claudia’s World which I which I

Love I love your world however this is a step div I just don’t believe well that’s that’s pretty convincing it’s talking to her now time now for Lee to make a decision she looks like a very lovely but slightly unstable woman and I’m going to say that

That’s true you’re saying it’s true okay Claudia winlan is it true or is it a lie it is indeed a lie what A it’s a lie I have made a CD of the sound of my Kettle boiling and I play it every night to help me get to sleep Le’s team is that possible why why would that help you get to sleep it reminds me of my grandmother because we were always caravanning when

She was when I was little and she’d be up later than me and the kettle would be just boiling on the gas stove and I could hear that little hiss and whistle in the bubbles I had it done for me by the sound people at work you absolute Li

You’re trying to tell us all I’m picturing is a man now with his big things on going that in five [Laughter] four I don’t know you’re lying B with your husband trying to get to sleep and you put the Sal of boil and he’s all right with that is he I go to bed earlier than he does because I have to get up at 5: right for what to switch the kettle off

Have you tried sex sleep have you tried sex to get to sleep yeah because Ken’s got a good technique if you want to try it what do your kids say about their CD they think it’s weird no they’re they put up with it you know oh you’re lying

Now kids think everything is weird No if I’m really really tired I’ll go upstairs and they will already have put a hot water bottle in the bed and the tape the CD on the thingy oh goodness you’re just off the scale so Lee what are you going to say we’ll say it’s a lie you’re going to say

It’s a lie okay Fern reveal all it’s a Lie yes it is a lie if Fern can’t get to sleep she just Rings Philips scoffield and asks him to tell her about his time in Joseph again oh that noise signals times up it’s the end of the show and my individual liar of the week this week is Fern Britain

Yes Fern Britain whose gigantic Whoppers were as beautifully showcased tonight as they were on her 203 Pilates video good night [Applause] [Applause] w