No. 73: S03E01

No. 73: Series 3: Programme 1: 7.5.83 ‘The Lodger’
First show from Maidstone. Now fully networked.

Live from Maidstone

Dawn Lodge: Andrea Arnold
Harry Stern: Nick Staverson
Alec Simmons: Patrick Doyle
Ethel Davis: Sandi Toksvig

With:
Tony Durrant (bird impressions)
Charlie Magri (boxer)
Paula Yates
David Taylor
And the Kids

Thanks to:
Southsea Skate Park
Southsea Roller Hockey Club
Maidstone Roller Hockey Club

Film:
Dawn plays roller hockey
Harry goes motorcycling with Eddie Kidd

Band:
Bad Manners

Sandwich Quiz:
Paula Yates v David Taylor

Programme Consultant:
Michael Kerrigan

Devised & Produced by:
John Dale

Director:
J. Nigel Pickard

TVS Production
© 1983 Television South plc

E Hey hey get ready get on your feet get into gear and hit the streety get moving it’s not too far you looking good come as you are you never know what you see when you through that door with the 73 never seen nothing no not like this

Place never be no no way not never no never seen no place no way similar like 73 hey you get ready get on your be get into gear and hit the street it’s you that we want to see so get down to 73 get down to 73 hey you get down to 73 a that’s great great thank you very much look what you’ve done to the bister that’s it laugh very funny ha good job who’s going to get the it yeah yeah they’re here welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome this is 73 good to meet you I’m Harry and this rabble behind me shout up

The rabble behind me come on introduce yourself rabble Come On Shut will you and that that lovely figure has stor actually she had a bit of a late night last night so we better go and uh wind her up yeah morning D it’s a lovely morning the

Birds are singing the sun’s got his hat on and uh there’s just one other thing what there a hello you’re not looking your best are you girl look I’m sorry about this but I went out on the town last night didn’t get in until 4:00 I’m not used to people seeing me in

Mid night shirt oh and I didn’t take me makeup off I bet it’s smudged listen why don’t you go around to the kitchen I’ll see you in a minute go on scoot hey T now come on you guys you know that you’re not meant to mck about with tick

Why not why not well you shouldn’t mess about with things you don’t know how to handle don’t know work how it works know yeah I don’t I don’t know how it works I’ll get that I’ll get it I’ll get it boyfriend hello 6 not not not not

Now E’s not here at the moment she’s gone train driving yeah train driving she goes every Saturday morning steam trains hold on a minute AR do you know anything about a lodger no no listen do you want to ring back later okay bye don’t know anything about

A lodger no you can’t come in and don’t drive your bicycle Harry the dustbins are one picking up again Postman he opens my letters when canly deliver post like everybody else oh no what just right just the one well he did have 12 for me but I turned the

Others down oh um Harry I’m afraid I’ve very slightly fractured your moped but I’m sure it’s going to be fine i i s the post today this is Harry’s room it’s got it on there yeah Harry’s room adver it’s a it’s a misprint a mistake there I’ll

Tell you what I’ll take all the letters upstairs and sort them in my room take them upst the broken banister um no don’t don’t take them upstairs because um the kids the kids you’re all going upstairs aren’t you yeah yeah right now and I’m going upstairs and you know how

Crowded it gets on those stairs you know I get a very slight notion there might be something wrong with the stairs yeah that’s cuz I saw are broken the what are you wearing my night shirt why I haven’t got out yet well go and get up don’t know what this house is coming

To morning I did see you there but I didn’t want to talk in front of the others uh perhaps you’ve gathered already I’m Ethel the thing is you see I’m in this slight predicament and I haven’t told them I’ve been under this slight Financial strain lately and I went see

My bank manager Mr Crossfield oh he’s a lovely chap he’s got a mustache like my Auntie May and uh he said well why don’t you get a lodger you know to help pay the bills I thought it’s a terrific idea so I put an ad in the newspaper had lots

Of applications and I’ve chosen this smashing chat called Alex Simmons this it’s just two flaw with it well first of all I don’t know when Alex’s coming and secondly he’s got to share a room with Harry and I haven’t told Harry yet I could be the lodger now excuse me hello maidon

6o Keith oh yes I remember Dawn’s boyfriend from the Disco that wasn’t you yeah okay oh I’ll go get her that could be the lodger now get it Harry with the lodger right this way Charlie not the Dodger yeah are the usual seat mate milk thanks a job uh in case you don’t

Know yeah around this way in case you don’t know this is Charlie mree world champion super fight boxer super flyweight boxer I should say and every so often he pops into 73 for a pint of milk and a rub down don’t you mate morning yeah yeah good morning to all

One and all yeah actually how many miles have you been doing today ch well I’ve done five i’ got another three to go and I shouldn’t be drinking this really cuz I got to carry on well I do try and help out sometimes thanks very much I suppose

That’s a golden rule actually don’t rub Charlie up the wrong way oh yeah not too hard oh sorry about how many miles have you got to do then mate i’ got another three to go three to go do you do that every day every day yeah I try to do I

Try to get in eight miles if I can but when I’m not fighting I go down to five down to five is there any other sort of like training program you have to do um yeah well I have to train in the afternoon sparring bag punching the Shad boxing

Things like that and how long does that all take it goes on for about 2 hours two I don’t think I’d last half an hour let Le two hours and a half so I’m telling everyone is’s a flyweight box and I don’t actually know what that

Means what what flyweight box a fly you got to be dead on eight stone for title fights you got to be dead on the weight yeah and does that mean eating the right foods and that’s right yeah you got to um what you wait about a week and a half

Before the fight eat all the prop of good foods you know chickens and no fats on no fat no no and does the wife help me out with that yeah oh she does that I’ll leave it to her me wife’s a main cook for yeah yeah how did you

First get started with well actually I I was walking past an amateur boxing club and I just stepped to pop in and the bags were there and I just started punching the bag yeah and the uh the official there just come down and asked

Me what I was doing yeah and I said I like boxing and uh I join from there but yeah what were your folks like about you doing it did they mind or were they a bit juie about you doing it no they didn’t mind at all because it kept me

Out of trouble I went down to club and I was just just boxing M you know what I mean how long do you work out towards a fight in the gym and running uh before a fight now right I um trained for about 12 weeks 12 weeks and then you intensify

I suppose as you get nearer to the game when I get nearer to the fight I I ease down a bit and then um take it from there yeah who did you win the title against alisand Mercedes yeah alisand I won’t even try and pronounce that right

You say that weight’s quite important um I’m going to grill you now will you just step onto these scales here you know I want to do everything properly make sure you’re you’re up to scratching everything up on yeah that’s the part what’s going on what’s going on here you’ve been up that

Pub for a pork pie and a plant a you that’s just about right actually was it eight stone what happens if you are over well if you’re over on the day of waiting you have to um you sweat off and come back and away again yeah and when’s

The next fight September September all the best mate actually what I could do with is a couple of tips while you’re jogging out here okay what should I start Steven listen I wasn’t at the Disco with anyone else I promise hello gone can never keep up with my

Boyfriends mind you Ethel doesn’t help Ethel coffee Coming well done Harry what are you doing on the floor E A just doing some relaxation exercises Harry inspired by tripping over the carpet you left on the stairs the the car oh come on let me help me out sorry about that girl I didn’t what’s it doing there any

I well I wanted to ask you about that um all the banister I’ll tell you about that in a minute um what I wanted to ask you about was uh my room and all them adverts oh that yeah I thought we’d talk about that when there’s a quiet moment

Um but now is a quiet moment fful oh so it is yes it is you should say that yeah R and adverts yeah okay well I was thinking uh that if you tided up half your room uh we could utilize that tidy half of the it I know it’s for

My motorbike isn’t it so we clear a space so it doesn’t mess up all the rest you’re on the wrong track yeah so um EDT and R okay I was thinking if you TI It Up half off your room uh we could use that half for

Somebody uh else uh who might you know want to got it I’ve got no yeah no no no no I’m not having a girlfriend up in that room no well what is it then well I’m I’m I’m getting to it somebody else in that half of the room uh for

Financial gain you see in a sense we could make some money out of using that it’s what we were talking about the other day isin’t it for my pop star career I it all comes back to me now now I can see clearly yes the recording studio

Goes in the half that we’re going to clear out yeah um all the adverts in the papers and all them letters out there they’re all from songwriters and musicians aren’t they I can see it now Ethel I can see it now music action lights Harry the big time I love you e cof’s

Ready Big Time E’s going to make me a star F’s going to make me a star she’s going to make me a star the blind the blind the first thing he’s listened to this morning right the kids want a cartoon oh we’ll just explain about this

Shall I um this is our brilliant coffee machine which as you can see makes lovely coffee but it’s a dual purpose machine because it’s also if I turn it this way a film projector and it shows cartoons I’ve got a bit of a surprise this morning we’re going to have a very

Special cartoon anybody know what it is Road Runner no it’s not it’s a brand new one are you ready y okay roll blind okay roll film ladies and gentlemen the world premiere of Roger Ramjet who’s he anyway 56 41 29 18 10 5 yeah Roger ramet and his Eagles fighting for our freedom fly through and and outer space not to join him but to beat him Roger and he’s our man hero of our nation for his is Adventure just be sure and stay tuned to the station so come

And join us all you kids for lots of fun and laughter as Roger R and his men get all the crooks there after Roger r he’s our men hero of our nation for his adventures just be sure and stay tuned to the Station Today’s ironic episode begins in a private home the home of private Jerome Herman depy Jones and his wife Bell they are awaiting the arrival of their babysitter a kindly neighbor named Roger Ramjet boy oh boy it sure was nice of Roger to volunteer to look after our

Twins flick and Flack I’ll say Roger is such a nice hero you can say that again I’ll say it Roger is such a nice hero I don’t like you as much as I used to thanks to Roger Ram Jeff we’re going to go out and see a movie picture show you

Can say that again thanks to Roger Ram jward hello there hero fans the boys are in the backyard the doctor’s number is by the phone good night and good luck H they must have been late for the movie I think it was very nice of me to volunteer to Stay With the Jones

Children while their parents go out and enjoy themselves I wonder what the Little Tikes are doing hello boys you’re certainly inventive little whiskers this your own design hey you’re just in time to see us blast off to the Moon blasting to the Moon is it stand back hey flick you got the

Firecracker ready Yep wow what a blast now where did those kids get to flick Flack flick Flack meanwhile at American Eagle headquarters I wonder who that could be why it’s the Jones boys flicking Flack hey hi kids hey what are you doing out at this time of night well it’s a

Long story you see meanwhile back at the Jones House Roger was really getting worried he you don’t suppose those kids really went to yipes that’s it they’ve gone to the moon great Galloping grease guns this is serious I better call Washington oh oh hurt burn Terri say

General you do a wonderful impression of me can you do Lionel Barrymore Ramjet this call better be important oh it certainly is you see I was babysitting for some youngsters tonight and they what in what to where Ramjet that’s impossible isn’t it I’m afraid not sir

Those kids have gone to the Moon we better do something to get them back or we are really going to get yelled at what do you mean we pale face and so the entire facilities of our government were called upon to try and solve this terrible problem astronauts we need a

Volunteer to go up after those kids and rescue them from the moon but sir how did those kids get to the moon if we haven’t even been there yet they probably found a shortcut how should I know am I supposed to know everything around here my mother was right there’s

Blues in the night I should have been a dead and about that time give or take a couple of minutes the Jones returned home hi Roger how did everything go I hope the kids didn’t give you any trouble why I haven’t heard a sound out of those little rascals for

Hours what was that a flat I believe a little sharp though our babies they’re gone what have you done with them you monster dumbbell clae Thunderhead when suddenly the doorbell rang hi Mr Jones I thought I’d better bring the kids back home hey honey the kids are back look they’re okay don’t

Interrupt me Sidewinder pig face schwine hunt the the what my babies hi Ma hi P hi favorite babysitter but I thought you went to the uhoh I’ve got to make a phone call and as Roger explained his honest little mistake to Washington we close the book and another true to life

Adventure of Roger Ramjet and the American [Applause] Eagles Barrymore that’s eth I really do think that I ought to look at these letters CU they concern me no no um because uh there’s still a certain amount of surprise element involved and I don’t want to spoil the thrill that I know you’re

Going to feel I don’t know I tell you what you won’t mind if I have a look at the paper of all the lovely adverts for all them lovely songwriters and musicians will you what’s going on can I tell you in confidence just between you and me well and uh oh yes

And a kids and uh oh yes yeah okay um I just tell you in a nutshell okay right I’ve been under this financial strain he I went see my bank manager Mr Crossville other nice on with the mustach my auntie man he said why don’t you take a lodger

I thought well that’s a terrific idea so I put this out in the newspaper I all these applications I’ve chosen this lovely BL called Alex Simmons trouble is he’s got a share room with Harry and I haven’t told Harry oh so that’s what that weirdo lodger rang out for this

Another one i’ had some hilarious applications yeah don’t I got some here let’s see you one US put some here my lady in charge oh that must be your do could you LOD you be a girl if so would you consider me I’m a quite nonsmoker without bad habits or pets I’m

Sure I’d fit in very well with your domestic Arrangements but could I have the bathroom first in the mornings as I have to be at work early and need half an hour to do my hair makeup a bit hopefully yours love Trudy B I think not Trudy you know on balance probably

Wouldn’t in that one right here Dear Mrs Davis I saw Mrs Davis sorry thought Miss I saw your advert in the town cry and thought I should apply as a lease on my Flat runs out next month perhaps you could arrange a time for me to visit 73

As I would like to interview the current inhabitants to see if they are suitable as hous makers cheek of it you can’t be too fussy these days can you no you can’t with kind regards Crispin side bottom pronounce City bottom C both both them please trying to be POS right

Here’s another one dear I would very much like to be your Lodge at number 73 I can’t be right LOD I mix well with all manner of people and I’m very tolerant one small thing it’s a case of Love me Love My Dog tiny my Great Dane goes with me everywhere I

Look forward to hearing from yours ever Trevor I don’t think so Russell do you don’t think we have that oh look one from Neil dear you look must mean us that must be just a quickie to say that I’m coming down next weekend from the pool and Liverpool you means and would

Like to to stay I’m I’m sure you’ll have room anytime I’ve got Lads to tell you especially about my brilliant new invention plop art well I never heard of such a thing have you it may cause a bit of a mess but you’ll love it I love it

And think it’s BR love Neil spelled k n e e l PS eth I am heavily into eggs at the moment could you lay on 10 dozen for next weekend all right Neil a friend of us he’s he’s an artist he’s Che now then here another

One dear F what from GL oh this is from the chat who’s actually going to be the lodger ah dear eel I suppose Percy has told you I’ll be chuffed to be the new lant number 73 and i’ just like to say thanks a lot for the invite there’s just

One problem though a we one mind you is Scottish Scot it’s just that I’m a bit miffed about having to share a room with Harry as it’s well past the rumor state that the guy has smelly feet anyway we’ll have a matter about that when I arrive on Saturday the 7th I

Should there get there by quter to 11: love Ali oh that’s next week isn’t it Saturday 7th that’s today what time is it now Russell 10 to 11: oh he could be here any minute oh dear I know how I’m going to tell Harry I Did It My Way carried away disgusting um I thought that was smashing Harry why don’t you sit down rest your voice clearly it needs it all right the cheek dwn has got something to tell you haven’t you dwn yes I have all come on then spit it out well it’s

About your room Harry it’s a very big room isn’t it I think You is that you making all those noises yes it was actually have you come to visit us at 73 yes I have you’re in the wrong Garden oh no I haven’t come in the wrong house have I thank you get some of the Stranges people coming to visit us

Here let’s see we had the world gning champion with some people who were sound poets who once had a bird spider in the bath which is a bit frightening still all said and down what’s nice is it’s such an open house anybody feels that they can drop in now where’s he gone oh

Hello hello I’m e oh I’m very pleased to meet you you must oh hang on let me have a look you must be Tony Durant the Birdman yes Tony Durant Tony Durant sorry were you making all those noises yes that’s right what kind of birds can

You do um all various types of birds um all the ones that whistle including the ones that cross I do about 500 Birds 500 but they there all different types of whistling isn’t it oh there are lots of those with whistling yes um for example

Um if you have a a nightold it’s a beautiful Sand that’s amazing Tenny what about something like a crow which isn’t quite such a nice noise really that’s right horrible go away go away from my vegetables horrible noise also Jay similar actually oh let’s listen to that quick that’s right that’s right that’s right very good do one see if I can

Guess okay then I think I could be wrong I think it’s a woodpecker that’s correct green woodpecker now can you do for me which is one of my favorites is the Skylock yes certainly it’s extraordinary isn’t it you must have to listen very carefully oh you do you have to listen very

Carefully tell me something with the Skylock now I happen to know cuz I know a little bit about birds that when they’re flying they manag to sing the whole time how is it that they can do that well they got uh I understand vocal cords that they’re able to use in both

Ways when they breathe uh out they do and when the bird breathes in it go you think you can teach me to do that yes certainly I so what what have I got to do with my mouth you do Thro whistling you put the tongue right up

Against the roof of the M mouth like that and if you do teeth whistling you Cur the tongue back M like that against the tooth against a particular tooth you know I can’t do it at all when you’re using finger whisle turn the punk right back like that and well don’t just

Stand there I’ll get the hang of it go and do something else people so look what I’m trying to say is Harry is that it would be very cozy for you to share a room wouldn’t it with someone else I mean if you had a nightmare in the

Middle of the night you know I mean you could wake up there’ be somebody else there wouldn’t there oh look Dawn Dawn look at this an advert right a little house residential finds a lodger is essential lots to do and lots to eat applicants master door smelly

Feet apply PO Box 7373 I might just apply to that’s what I’m trying to tell you sort of like a lodger you know in your room I mean you got two wardrobes haven’t you you know you could fit two lots of clothes in very easily I think

I’ve uh what you mean yeah it’s all right so what it just surprises me it’s taking you all this time why I never knew you cared Dawn I mean I really think it’s a good room it’s a good I mean good idea if we share a room cuz I

Mean like we’ll give it a trial period first right room yeah cuz I don’t know your habits and you don’t know my habits right and so it’d be really good guess what me and dwn we’re going to share a room you explained that to Harry did you

Uh yeah get the blind Harry blind okay blind brilliantly explained it’s terrific brilliant now then what you never guess what this film is it’s Eddie kid the motorcycle that’s right yeah a few weeks ago I went out with Eddie to see him practice all his amazing stunts

And I did a few myself did you a helmet of course I you have to wear a helmet I mean what if I came off a ramp or something and terrible if you come 5 4 3 2 1 Wooo Hey [Applause] Hey [Applause] n [Applause] I mate all right long time no see all right har you been that’s fantastic cheers here look when can I get started hang it B you got to do some training first oh Young and Beautiful Yeah do you have to do this every day oh yeah I four well a couple of hours you don’t have to do any other exercises do oh yeah you do this every day yep day go have go uh f i to do it like look uh I don’t like to ask or anything

But uh when do we get to go on the Bikes He when did you first start uh I started when I was 12 doing it on push bikes after seeing a film about evil canal and then uh when I was 13 I joined a stunt team called the cyclomaniacs and I started started setting up props and

Painting props until one day they let me have a go on a motorcycle and I started jumping I haven’t looked back since really don’t BL what what’s the greatest jump that you’ve done uh well the famous one and the furthest is uh 14 double deckers which was a distance of 190 ft

That’s when I was 18 I suppose the one that really got me in known was when I jumped 13 double deckers when I was 16 what about the in the film Hanover Street you you went over a was it a bridge a railway it was a it was 80t

Wide and 100t deep with uh rocks either side and railway lines underneath and it was for a film which I don’t normally de with for stuntman but I only done the job really because uh it was so dangerous nobody else would do it no

Else would do it right and I got a lot of money for it really in your film riding ey you did another big stunt in that didn’t you that’s right uh it was across a broken Railway Bridge uh it was 80t across and 45t deep uh and the

Problem was that’s right yeah the problem was I had a really strong headwind 35 Mi and uh and as I took off the wind just caught the bike and made it stand vertical my two legs come off uh somehow I managed to land safely but

I smashed into some straw BS I cut my leg up I got seven stitches and slipped two Lumber vertebraes and I don’t think kids really should just go out and get a bike and start trying to wheie if they want to do it they should get somebody older than

Themsel or somebody knows who a bit B it really and to train them yeah and wear all the right clothing like good crush on it gloves and good leather now tell what can you do one for us now only if you do one you’re kidding I’m not I’m

Ready how many cars oh I don’t know all right all right I’ll have it Go I’m so brave so very very brave why are you scared AR well yeah what me scared yeah actually them dinky toys Matchbox cars that they’re a lot bigger than what they see petrified absolutely petf yes can you do an impression of a motorcycle crash for me certainly okay have a List Better like that than in reality isn’t it thank you very much so you do you do lots of sounds other than just Birds yes I I tried to do lots of s as many as possible what what can you do uh let’s see can can I ask you to do one for me

Certainly you can yes um what about Concord how would you like it taking off all right taking off yes well I’ve always wanted to travel by Concord settle back in your seats everyone we’re going to take Off [Applause] boom sonic boom thank you very I thought the windows were going to go in a minute that Sonic booms have you got have you got something to ask Tony um yeah um what can we have a tube a tube which line Northern line [Applause] door Jubilee line and not anywhere oh it’s off again The only bit I hear in London I always miss the tube when I’m running on yeah what about submarine but do yes we like one in battle action would you everybody go up up Go action action action action number one torpedo fire number torpedo fire oh stop I feel so sick already it’s quite scary have you ever done any dares you know people say to you do such such sound and you haven’t you know just do anything yes I’ll have a go yes I’ve

Done that you have yes tell you what yourself down I’ve p a lovely cup of tea for you there oh that’s lovely and I’ve got a bit of an idea you sure you’re ready for this day yes so w wet my okay now what I want you to do is if you can

Think of a really good sound at home I want you to phone us up here at number 73 tell us what the sound is and we’ll see if we can get turning to do it all right it can be a real sound or a funny

Sound see what you can think of so F us up here at maidon 6 o o that’s maidon 6 and don’t forget your area code which is so important of course the area code always absolutely why don’t you do why don’t you do a noise like AR’s going to

Make when the loger comes I mean that b the what Dawn thanks a lot that’s terrific come in how do you do my name is Alex Simmons I’m Roger what it’s tell Time hey hey you should have told me I tried to tell you Harry look this lodger coming means four things right one no motorbik yes two no recording studio no musicians no sharing it about with Dawn yes Ethel you’re a creep oh thanks for being so understanding Harry I’ll go keep an eye

On Harry I’m going to go look for the lodger with this place is privacy oh oh funny you should be here I was just talking about privacy and the lack of it clothes pigs clothes pigs where am I going to find clothes pleas oh David David mate how are you

Just talking about privacy actually just talking about oh sorry I should introduce you this is David Taylor world famous zuet that’s right in it an animal extraordinaire cuz you’re a bit of an animal a you of course I am of course I am what brings you along here well I’m

Looking for Dawn actually the dawn yeah yeah because I think she can help me find something that I’ve lost one of my patients has escaped and he’s I’ve last been seen legging it down the road oh there’s nothing wrong what’s the patient well I suppose I can tell you

It’s a poisonous black scorpion scorpion well I can’t I Dawn through there and um I can’t help you with the Scorpion yeah scorpion of all things to bring a scorpion what was I doing close P close P aha I know just the person who’d like to say this

D oh D this will get her back there’s the boy who are you I’m the lodger tell me something is this place always feel like weirdos really That’s where the trumpet is oh I’m just placing on you how you doing by the way this is not rehearsal room it’s a private house oh yes yes I know that but see it’s a very big house and the thing is it’s a huge Lounge there’s lots of

Things there’s no problem through there I’ll tell you what um why do you get through um with the rest of the boys okay okay if there’s any trouble just blame Harry right blame Harry okay right on you go where are the rest of the band oh they’re they’re around the front Okay

On you go see all right see you come here Beat It D I I I suppose you’re another lodger me no no no no I went camping last night mate last night yeah I bet it was freezing wasn’t it it was pretty cold yeah oh where you going now I’m going

Around the back oh all right then see you later see you later yeah yeah something very funny going on around D what you dress like that for you Rocky gear yeah do some skating listen I’m GL i s I wanted to have a word with you look I just so there’s no

Hard feelings about the room or anything yeah I’ve got you a little surprise in the sh oh AR that’s nice yeah you want know what it is go on then what is it it’s this big that big yeah and it’s something you’ll never forget oh wonder

What it is M go and have a look quickly um uh excuse me here a minute uh if you’re not the logger who are you oh me yeah me I’m I’m I’m a singer band here called Bad Manners B minute don’t tell me B the blood vessel sorry M I

Should have known that all right don’t worry about it yeah is that all go and play in there yeah it’s cool yeah but there’s a there’s one thing right uh if there’s any problems at all with the noise or anything it’s uh it’s all down to Harry all down to Harry blame Harry

Like much see you later blame AR this lodg is in for it say your prayers mate what oh oh David oh sorry I thought you were the oh that’ll be Dawn I think she’s found your scorpions really thank you in the sh mate no don’t mention it thanks

That’s what friends are for right the lodger that’s but I’m not David I should have known it belonged to you you’re sure it’s it yes I think so yeah y you’ve got it that’s it got him oh there he is oh are are they SC think David well some scorpions can be very

Poisonous indeed there are about or 600 or more different species of Scorpion yeah and only a few are very deadly I mean there are some that if they sting a dog will kill it within 2 minutes and there are more people in America and in

Algeria as a matter of fact who die from scorpion stings than from snake bite yeah where where are you holding him now I’m holding just B the sting you see that’s the sting is it he looks a bit like a crab and a spider put together

What you know well he looks like a crab he’s got these big uh lobster likee claws for grabbing hold of the food that he eats and actually he’s related quite closely to the spiders he’s not an insect is what we call an arachnid is very very ancient animal very very

Success ful animal and really he doesn’t go around looking for trouble but of course he’s got this terribly dangerous sting here which he only uses on prey that needs stinging to death and that can’t be killed with these Nippers here yeah how do you know when he’s mad Well

He kind of you know W what does the sting do well the The Sting will come over the back and straight into flesh or whatever it is yeah so he he uses the cloths to eat what kind of things does he eat well he likes cockroach es

Insects all sorts of things and in that from that point of view he’s quite good you know keeping certain pests down but of course they are very very aggressive and very solitary creatures they like to live alone they don’t like other scorpions and they will fight terribly

If they come across one another and they will eat other scorpions yeah um God oh dear he doesn’t look very happy I don’t know yeah he’s got you can’t see his eyes but he’s got this one I think has got eight eyes two in the middle eight eyes

What does he need eight eyes for any particular reason well these these animals obviously they they need to see what’s going on around them they’re stimulated by movement you would notice that what attracts his attention is the quick hopping or movement of an insect that you would we don’t get them in

England do we no but you get them on the continent you’ll find them for example in in southern Germany or Austria but you’re very unlikely to see one when you go on your holidays yeah have they got any enemies I mean is everyone scared of them or well you know baboons they eat

Them and they’re very yeah they’re very clever what they do I think we put him in his box now he’s trying to get his sting around on oops what’s upside down he’s stra himself up the booze will grab hold of these all right yes he’s right

Way up now they will rip off the sting and and eat them raw and living like that and indeed there are human beings in North Africa who eat these would you believe raw I think I’d rather a plate of Chip some birds will eat them and

There are lizards that will eat them as well aren’t they a bit crunchy full of protein do they have any bones no they have no bones I mean all their skeleton is on the outside it’s this hard horny case that is all around them but they’re really beautiful animals and they’re

Very very interesting the way they look after their babies yeah because when the babies are born the mother scorpions are terribly maternal she C she carries them on her back and you see these the claws which at the moment are hell like that they’re put she puts them down like so

Like ramps so the babies can claw climb up claws onto her back and she carries them around very safely there yeah I thought I thought they uh were pink that’s black common color particularly for the jungle scorpions is black for the desert ones which can be very very

Deadly a sort of yellowish brown color are they very maternal then you say very maternal and they get very aggressive if they lose any of their babies or if you interfere with their babies and if a baby falls off its back a mother will actually go and look around to try and

Find it she she actually collects her young so they’re quite you know they’re very they’re not as bad as they’re painted yeah anyway the I he’s much happier in his box don’t you yes I think so but uh this animal probably comes from areas like Thailand um and uh you

Find them all over the hot countries of the world but luckily we don’t get nasty things like this cuz the trouble is you see they’d like to come into potting sheds and houses and things like in tropical countries I we leave should we leave them alone now then

Uh could I just change the subject but um what are you wearing the for well I was just about to show my roll of hockey film really you want to come and have a look yeah sure well time I you had to David really well yeah you could do

Something for me for once yeah what always bring right this sweet e no problem watch the T Cas just drop it Al could you whisper please why well I don’t want anybody to hear what I said I don’t want anybody to I don’t want Harry

To hear us moving you in I don’t want any friction don’t worry don’t worry there won’t be any friction well by the way Harry’s feet are stinking yeah Alec it three times okay go one two two one two not too bad not too bad actually

This is not how you bul with en roller hockey completely different why don’t you get the blind right we’ll do bossy and bouncy during the week I went roller skating and I bumped into a lot of roller hockey and Bloks and they challenged me to a game let’s have a

Look David I’m not just you know here we go have you ever tried roller skating yes when I was a little boy were you any good yes I was very hold on hello what’s going on this is roller hockey yeah it it looks a bit uh tough

Are there any rules at all yes there are rules very simple but you mustn’t deliberately hit another player or kick the ball or body charge but other than that the game’s free fast flowing and very exciting to watch yeah it looks it um how many players on each side there’s

Uh eight in a team five on the field at one time that’s four field players and a goalie and then the two field players can change whenever they like during the match yeah just in case yeah in case they get injured the goal is look like they’re auditioning for Star Wars why

Have they got all that gear on yes they’ve got to wear special protection because they’re uh in the line of a ball coming at 100 mph they need special masks and special gloves and special pads uh you got to be pretty brave to playing goal is the ball very hard then

Yes it’s very hard indeed if I’ll get it for you if you like okay hey Nick come out the ball oh go oh yes it is very hard yes it’s about the size of a cricket ball uh a bit harder and doesn’t bounce very

Dead and it hurts when it hits you I can tell you yeah I bet it does yeah I I actually want mind having a go could I well not come and have a go all right come on then Okay hi where do I stand Here Yeah behind the halfway line right oh and you’re the ref and we St right well when the two goalkeepers are ready they are and the Tim keeper is ready then we’re ready to go Mas are knocking off has the ball Mason on attacking the

Goal to our right oh Break Away by safety good reverse ball good shot saved by the goalkeeper Richard Chambers up the wing bring the back of the goal good cross ball shot on the goal well wide take go safy now Chambers across the heads Heads miss It and here comes daor to tackle Mason attacking D has the ball come along good pass out the middle [Applause] They Dawn from number 73 oh she’s missed it another good save threee hit Now what happens now [Applause] You know I think they’re holding back because I’m a girl I think I’ll leave them up to it sure turn sh There you are very good what do you think as dangerous as ice hockey or not um I don’t know you got to be on your guard SE hurry anywhere no I haven’t oh I haven’t got time for this running about I’m expecting all those phone calls and everything I wonder where he

Could be trying the front door I’ll tell you what you try the front door I’m going to sit here for a bit I think the the cheek of this bloke the flipping lodg is taking over already go and have a look come on oh listen oh wait a minute what more

Do you want you’ve got big high searings it’s for a h room you got a B Window you’ve got two plug points even come on more than that it’s perfect in fact not even I heard you were camping out last night yeah camping oh yeah I had to camp

Out last night so what you think I feel like I’m sorry about that BST I’m really sorry about that listen did you have a nice breakfast Lads that’s thing what did you have for breakfast well wait a minute oh ham eggs bacon a few other things I didn’t know you were

A cornflakes man cornflakes occasionally okay lad Let’s test the Acoustics all right give us a Cord that’ll do nicely [Applause] I go to bed dream my to burn cred C Twi count with an unded amount see the ass my TV live my like I’m a m not last about Russ nicely stick I’m out the the floting the flating I take it easy all walk along Beach I reach never work St the would be a Nicely sck in the pull out the I do nicely son your fing I’m pull out the p I got you now Out go 10: Trick Shot line building and punch clock but I don’t care Co where I’m an under a million to stand there till [Applause] the stick in finger I’m pull out the p oh do nicely s sticking your finger I’m pull out the P come on oh it’s not coming in Harry waste Arrow David Hey hey harry what you doing up there I’m waiting for the lodger aren’t I where is he oh oh I don’t know where is you da no I don’t no frame I hear my Wonder fight there yet still my thoughts return fiction here to my highly recommendable there and what

You doing here what is this place like every time I turn around you there thereabouts it’s sock Hall Street well if you must know I’m just setting up a library in the Lou yes that’s right in the L you see I’m very interested in reading and it’s mainly because I’m a

Writer oh yes I’ve been tapping away at the old tight writer now for about 15 years and I also I think reading is really good good fun and this book is especially good fun it’s by Norman Hunter and it’s it’s a collection of 12 short stories the book’s called count

Backwards on the carpet and other incredible stories and it’s about the accident prone Kingdom of incredible inia and in this story what a time all the clocks in the palace have gone bananas and the queen has decided to take stock of the clocks and before they really knew where

They were the queen had swept the king the princes the princesses the Prime Minister the Lord Chancellor and several other officials along to her pet clock shop it was so small they could hardly all it in but the clock shop man made room by moving some trays of valuables

Out of the way ah good morning majesties welcome majesties nice day majesties gabbled the little clock man waving his hands like a clock gone mad I’m sure he’s going to strike 12 whispered princess Sona but the little clock man struck an attitude instead and asked in his best short manner what is

Your Majesty’s pleasure my pleasure said the queen is a good fancy tea with plenty of cream cakes but what you want from you is clocks certainly Majesty said the clock man feeling rather glad he hadn’t got to make the queen a cake that looked like a clock as he was absolutely useless at

Cooking he disappeared into a cubby hole behind the counter and came out with a handsome clock in a glass case ah just the thing for the dining room said the queen we’ll have that then the clockman produced a guilt clock with an alarm Bell that could be made to ring whenever

You liked the very thing for the throne room said the king we can switch it on when we’ve had enough of boring foreign potentates you can get rid of boring foreign poets with your stories of the Dragons you didn’t slay without switching on any bells said the queen then the princes the princesses

And the ministers each chose a clock for various parts of the palace the clock man promised to deliver them at once and they all party left with becoming dignity except that the Lord Chancellor tripped over the curb and spil his pocket money down a drain thank you

Majesties said the clock man rubbing his hands and bowing so low he hit his forehead on the floor and set off an alarm clock then he put up a sign saying by appointment to their majesties the king and queen of incredible inia I me ENT to have a med stake for the supper

Well that’s all right then said the queen when they all got back to the palace and the clocks arrived and were carefully placed in the right rooms no more trouble with time and clocks thank goodness just then the clock on the block of flats struck

19 so if you got the time why don’t you write and tell me of a book you have read let me know who the author is a wee bit about the book and what I’ll do is I’ll I’ll get the book and I’ll read it out here I’ll put it on the highly

Recommendable shelf okay and I’ll tell you where to write to number 73 PO Box 73 midstone Kent okay I’ll give you that again oh excuse me [Applause] please did you enjoy that oh smashing okay then thanks very much for phing but you missed the first phone call now come

On you got to be quick if you’re going to catch up with 73 tell you what I’ll put the phone through like that to public and you’ll be able to hear at home you ready Tony for next one Madeon 6 o hello hello oh bit loud hello who’s

That it’s Daryl hello Daryl have you got a sound for Tony to do pardon have you got a sound for Tony to do yes what is it could he do an impression of a bloom going down an imp pression of a balloon going down Tenny balloon going Down how was it good thanks okay Daryl thanks very much for phone in okay bye bye that that’s a good one isn’t it that all the parties that I give they go most of mine pop maon 6 Trio hello hello who’s that this is Carl Carl yeah okay

Carl have you got a sound for us please yeah I was wondering if he can do um a hamster running around in his wheel in his cage that’s a good one a hamster running around in his cage there’s the wheel going around and around around that drive you mad wouldn’t it

Carl yeah okay thanks for phing thanks bye bye that would drive me crazy I remember we had one at school we had one in the oh hello Mas 6 Tri hello hello who’s that I’m Morgan sorry Anna Morgan Anna Morgan hello Anna Morgan how are you all right thank you

Good have you got a sound for us to do I’m breaking glass breaking glass oh do you think you can do that yeah I’ll have you okay very good if it’s done very very quickly oh all right Emma thanks very much for fing bye forella I really got to here

Oh breaking glass cool breaking glass wasn’t there it was uh Mas 6aa hello it’s Anna Anna hello Anna I thought we had an Anna before but it’s is an Anna this time have you got a sound for tny um an over over steam train please a

Steam train can you do that for us certainly okay here we Go just leaving the [Laughter] platform fabulous woo how about that wooo thank you thanks very much for fing bye bye actually do you know in my spare time I work I work on the steam Railway I’m a volunteer on the Kony Sussex Railway very good abely smashing thank

You hello hello who’s there hello oh I think we got a bad line hello hello who’s that sorry Kennedy Kennedy can’t hear your first name I’ll have to call you oh Simon Kennedy I’m sorry Simon I could hardly hear you okay have you got a sound for us Simon have you nothing either

I can’t hear you I’m sorry it’s hyena I heard that Hena [Laughter] right sounds like Harry when he tells one of his own jokes thanks very much for Fen Sor I couldn’t hear you very well am I assaulted by noise they’re fabulous aren’t they thanks let’s see um what can I ask you

To do what’s the most difficult sound you’ve got to do well I like the sound of a lion actually I think fantastic yes okay excuse me sorry sir I’ve got to stop you there Mason 6 TR hello hello is anybody there put your temp in quickly there H hello who’s that

Linda hello Linda thought you weren’t there for a moment um what sound have you got for Tony uh bill building being demolished a building being demolished yes right okay do you want it blowing up do you want it blowing up yes okay Linda here we go but with a bomb from an

Aircraft that’ll be lovely preferably not bomb from an Aircraft you still there Lind he didn’t BL up your house did he yes oh thank goodness thanks very much for finding Bye by oh I think that’s all going to have time for today but what I’d like you to do for me if you wouldn’t mind is

Come upstairs and put some of those sounds on tape for I would do that with pleasure certainly I will microphone down I’ve got this very interesting right the lodger he was making all them noise scorpion You scorpion yeah oh SC oh I’m sorry out in the shed you mean

Yeah look well you can’t blame me I was a bit uptight aleec I tell you what Ethel’s worse than Alec first it’s the smelly feet and she doesn’t even tell me he’s coming you know you have got smelly feet smelly oh thank you very much do you want another scorpion go on well

I’ll give you smelly F oh ticker it’s going to say something thank God yeah 77777 what a load of rubbish get it together danger keep cool baby don’t get upset about the lodger Sound Advice ticker my name is tick tick tick ticker got it in one sorry for the stutter I’m really very

Sophisticated on his go yes very good I’m sure he on it help the lodger brought his own typewriter she goes by the name of olivetti the P type she might do me out of a job no chance mate no chance what did Michael Jackson do during the water strike the

Truth he drank mineral water he bathed the mineral water he bathed the mineral water even who whose feet smell like cam bear thank you mate hot news June the 1st Walt Disney’s Jubilee love Walt Disney 60 years of cartoons look out for competitions and trip to Florida I’ve

Always wanted to go to that place too Disneyland look at this Superman 3 is coming to your Cinemas from the 21st of July I’m sure we might show a few clips of that Gary pop News Gary Glitter is 43 tomorrow yeah happy birthday Gary does look 43 does he no not really Phil

Collins is producing the new Cliff Richard Al strange combination that yeah right Everly Brothers unite the first sign in 15 years for a worldwide tour aren’t they the ones that used to sing You’ve Lost That laughing Fe oh what’s all this rattle Grant’s new single no

Matter what sign you are oh he’s the astrologer is he a remake of the old Supreme song no matter what sign please send in news item to ticket number 73 po bo 73 Ma and Ken what it say if you’re fed up with f for one not try the money

Switch on it I’ll take 10% very good idea very good idea well it’s an old trick I learned in the east 10 ones it’s a good one it’s a bit of a con but well no you’ll see how I con F like no no not yet I’ll I’ll show you it

Later on I mean it’s a good one you have to be a bit quick with the old hand in it te I make one cup of tea yeah sure do can I can we watch cartoon cartoon whatever you like see as long as we’re here I’ll do BL I’ll do the projector

Yeah very good and just to make it that extra bit professional about announcing it all the all four of you announcing for us yeah come on then 1 two three ladies and gentlemen he is [Applause] Roger the way see yeah come on out of the screen Roger round does anyone know

What this episode is no 4 3 2 1 as today’s exciting episode begins Roger Ramjet is being briefed by Colonel Jackie shortz of the army undercover Department remjet this assignment calls for daring and cunning two of my best men who happen to be on another case

Right now so I’ll have to use you I understand sir you to spend a lot of time with a certain beautiful woman but sir I’m already spoken for a girl back home wears my Captain Kangaroo pin never mind that Ramjet this is an order you to gain the confidence of the world’s most

Dangerous female agent jacn Hyde jacqu and Hyde yes Ramjet but be careful not to divulge any top military Secrets oh don’t worry Colonel I’ll play dumb yes Ramjet I’m sure you will and while she’s trying to pry information from you you to learn the names of her contacts so we

Can smash the entire by ring how will I recognize this woman Colonel well she’ll probably ask a lot of questions and try to poison you never fear sir I’ll watch my Step Great Scot rjed what happened oh sorry sir I was so busy watching my step I stepped on my watch and later that evening Roger Ramjet entered the Gloomy Sunday a combination Malt Shop and Chicken store which was a known hangout for spies and bad guys I wonder if I’m in the right

Place o now that’s what I call C less suddenly Ramjet saw a stranger across a crowded room pardon me lady but don’t I know you from somewhere sit down handsome you’re Roger Ramjet aren’t you darling I think so let me see uh no I’m I’m Robert Hall oh no no I’m Roger

Ramjet here it is but how did you know a little Bertie told me in fact I’d like you to meet him a little Bertie could you step over here for a moment yeah this is Roger R uh little birtie I’m pleased to make your acquaintance little birie

And while Roger Ramjet is being rendered unconscious at American Eagle Squadron headquarters the troops are worried I’m worried gang we haven’t heard from Roger for hours let’s see if we can contact Roger on the telecommunicator turn it on you got the wrong Channel jerk I’m not even in this episode oh

Sorry hey Rogers and trouble those guys are spies come on gang we’ve got to save him again one for all all for one the eagle fly till the job is done as the American Eagle Squadron speeds to the rescue Jacqueline Hyde and her ring of spies are subjecting Roger

To diabolical tortures very well R Ching let’s see how you stand up under the ancient Chinese water torture not talk all right we was hoping we wouldn’t have to resort to This Little berty Rock it up we’ll see how he stands up under 4 hours of veru Ron

Movies who is it Eastern Union you the lady who sent for 4 hours of Vera Herber Roston movies here R you quick take this proton energy pill it gives you the strength of 20 atom bombs for a period of 20 seconds quick biry darling stop him that P takes 5 Seconds to

Work R jet proton energy pills have done the job again what did he say no one may ever know for sure what Roger did say but he had destroyed the evil spiring and made this a happier nicer neater richer bigger niftier good rounder shorter rounder bigger good for Roger

Ramjet what a guy yeah listen to Ethel this is how I’m going to get Ethel back right for all that trouble she’s eel some yeah come and sit down love uh you know you were talking to me the other day about the economic recession how hard you’re finding it to pay bills and

Electricity phone bill well I’ve actually found a way of getting food cheaper you’re going to eat less uh no no that’s not it no no well I mean you got anything to say about the food uh it’s expensive I mean I know you don’t like doing it or anything but uh I

Don’t like making lunch no there is that and for the whole subject of food you know I’m just I’m not a cook really she’s not really you want to see a rock well anyway listen you know we all put1 towards the shopping right well I’ve got

This contact that can get it £25 cheaper where we pay £10 don’t we each right that’s £0 right so let’s all put are you interested in this well all right yeah I’ll show you we’ll putang minute I see if I’ve got all right that’s all yes1 30 quid right my connection yes can

Make it for £25 so same amount of food for £5 for £5 same amount of food now then I take2 off of each of you for commission yeah yeah no listen listen you each get a one two3 we’ve only paid £9 towards towards all the food not bad eh do yeah but if

You just think about it for a minute right yeah we the three of us have put £9 in yes 3 9’s 272 for the commission that’s 29 there’s a pound missing and I think that’s my pound that’s a good one thank you e you been done yeah you know um I think

There’s something dubious going on here and you know what I do when I’m in down I call the entire house together with my house Hooter are you ready very it’s nice quiet I like it it’s a charm right everybody will be here any got a time for the Television hey hey I can’t seem to get this one open oh you’re back um don’t forget if you want to find us up here at 73 next week it’s maidon 6 o that’s maidon in Kent 6 o as I get all sorts of complaints oh I’ve got one

Out how you do bye the we I love room oh good I decorated myself you see I’m not so fond of the decor yeah I didn’t hurry and I’ve decided to stay for a while oh good I’ll have time to redecorate and um I need some shell Oh They’ll be

Expensive oh don’t worry don’t worry I’ll get them £25 is plenty you know I get the feeling I’m losing control Dawn who’s in the Lo I’m not telling you it’s person but I’ll give you Clues okay go on then well I’m very blonde very blonde uh bet Lynch no no I’m not quite

So statues um smaller smaller Pula Clark no I’ll give you a clue I’ll give you another clue okay my surname is the same as a very famous poet a very famous poet and I’m quite literally myself baits ba Yates y p Yates oh you’re so clever D

I’m coming out of the Lou Library hello what you doing you’re reading reading come down and have a cup of tea how are you I’m all right yeah I’m worried there take of the band yeah a couple don’t up two more do you right there you are Paula thank you so this

Book is it your book yes it’s my new book and it’s a children’s book and it’s called A Tale of Two Kitties after the Dickens the book oh and um what it’s about is this cat here yeah whose name is Rowdy Yates he was named after Clint

Eastwood in Rawhide and this little cat that you can see there is my other cat Porky and it’s about them and what they get up to because it’s very strange but I’m sure that everyone at home who’s got a pet they know what they’re like how different they are they’ve all got

Characters and Rowdy was very special cuz his mother was an actress she was in commercial these are your cats are they yeah and um Ry was 400 quid so you can tell how special he is unfortunately Rowdy also thinks he’s pretty special and Porky I got from the Putney cats

Home and you just go and you pick and he was3 and uh he’s really horrible we only got Rowdy cuz we thought some of his good manners would rub off on the other one and it’s just stories about what they’ve been like to live with pretty horrible per he’s upset cuz that one

Cost 400 and he cost only3 well he probably knows it cuz this one gets a wash and blow dry every week because he won’t wash himself he’s so FY and pory just sort of gets a cuff around the ear occasionally and that’s what the book’s about is it yeah plenty of beatings

There’s also one good thing if you happen to be a particularly noisy person there’s lots of this which you can shout when you’re reading it you just you can screen those bits what other books have you written well I did a book um about two years ago which was um a

Book of Polaroid pictures of famous pop stars wearing only their underpant Stone well you shouldn’t have not old enough and um I did that book which was really all my friends wearing their underpants how did you get the idea for that well I was lying in bed one night and I thought

I’d love to do a book and I saw my boyfriend’s Underpants hanging over the end of the bed it’s a bit naughty this story and I thought that’s it rock stars in their underpants and um luckily they all agreed because they all wanted to show off their muscles they didn’t mind you

Coming around and taking well we had we had people there just in case things got out of hand but um some of them got a bit shy yeah um but we just got them drunk do you always do funny things or do you do anything no cu the next book

I’m doing is quite serious it’s a book um which is a history of blondes and so that’s quite serious it’s all the Blondes From like the Egyptians onwards and that’s a sort of proper lot of research must go lot of research and and you have to go to museums and libraries

And find out about things but that’s not so much fun that’s the sort of SLO rather than when you actually get the book in your hand and you think God that’s great is it easy to sit down and write or I mean do you write when you want to or do you

Have to sit down do I’ve got loads and loads of writing to do which is nice for me in a way but it means that I have to be sort of disciplined and I’m not very disciplined so what I do is almost anything rather than write I mean I

Would do anything I’ll clean the kitchen floor I’ll put it off the last minute do socks anything rather than sit down and do it and I think that’s the big problem with Mot writers they they try and Sky yeah how did you get into writing well

I’m always being asked this because um I do columns as well for magazines and newspapers and people always write to me and say how did you get into it but in actual fact I was at a party and the editor of a a newspaper came up to me

And said do you want to do a column cuz you’re always at parties and and literally I mean that’s how I got my first job so that’s why I’m a bit anti- careers officers cuz they always tend to say to people when they’re in school no no you’ll never get into journalism I

Mean it’s impossible it’s bit like they always say you’ll never be able to be an actor or an actress they’re always they try to make me do Co cooking yeah cooking and I wanted a d domestic science and yes yeah and so I think that’s that’s how lots of people do get

Jobs that people imagine are very glamorous they just fall into their laps yeah did you like writing at school okay um I no I liked avoiding it never mind and that’s SLE is it oh gosh mainly I just wanted to avoid as much work at school I goodness sake

You’re cheating David now come on no starting before everybody’s ready I’ll put that one away there oh right now we’ve come to the bit of the uh of the day which is in Harry’s words I would call the pits because you see what I’ve

Got to do is I’ve got to make lunch for everybody and I hate making sandwiches my favorite thing to do in the world is quizzes I love watching them on television so I’ve made this little um domestic quiz which is called the sandwich quiz and what we going to do is

David’s going to play and I’ve just got to get somebody else in to help me uh don’t sorry about this Paula oh Paula hello hello you hungry yeah I am quite here’s a thing are you ready so the daring dazzling dyingly dull electable devastatingly dangerous divinely decadent s

Quiz okay welcome along another exciting edition of the sandwich quiz we’ve got with us could I have your name please David Taylor David Taylor what do are you do for a living David I’m a vet ah there you see vetting all our contestants before they come on the show

And could I have your name please poly po what do you do for living there Paula well I’m a writer and I think I’ll need a red you’re a you think you’re going to need a red okay don’t worry about it writer there Paula scrawler okay what

Are we going to do now we’re going to go into the first round are you ready there Paula little bit of it you knows it get yourselves absolutely prepared because what we’re going to do is ask the first question it’s an open question either of you can answer if you get the question

Right you get a piece of bread I hope you’re going to play this at home you get a piece of bread go for a filling question get that right first round to you round of sandwiches couldn’t be simpler okay here we go knife for you Paula scrawler and a knife for you the

Beamed 73 event first question either of you can answer who invented Cosmetics C who invented Egyptians Egyptians that’s absolutely correct the ancient Egyptians who painted their cheeks lips eyelids and lashes and so you got to hurry up now Paula the very first answer there goes to David Taylor

Be one moment D no I’m sorry going to have to disqualify that piece of bread because he’s already put filling on it and of course he’s got to get a filling question right so you’re going to go for a peanut butter question are you David yes okay as you’re so fond of peanut

Butter here’s what I want you to do put a little bit of peanut butter on the end of your nose correct very good little tiny piece there and lick it off with your tongue think you can do that on youre come on now David D no cheating

Whatsoever going on there I didn’t I’ll just get there a lovely okay off his nose for a piece of bread well I don’t think it’s that kind of a show really probably not a very good idea on the whole so you get your peanut butter there go for it David Philly that’s the

First round delicious round as I may say so to David Taylor You’ve Got a chance now to catch up come on Paul scer we can do it okay open question either of you can ask another piece of bread on there for you David that’s first round of sandwiches

To you why do we call a raspberry a raspberry why do we do that not a real no thank you very much no would that a real raspberry why do we call it a raspberry anybody know okay wouldn’t leave that question it’s because the name comes from the

German word raspin meaning to rub with a file it’s very likely the marks in the berry were thought look like a file it must be I believe it at all okay if a raven flew in through the window what would you give him to eat a raven bird

Seed Birds could do yes the Raven what would a raven eat a jewel a ring yeah no you eat practically anything practically anything brilliantly done by po with okay got a chance now a piece of bread to you got a chance here to catch

Up okay what I want you to do uh I think maybe that’s a bit different question we for you there okay I want you to pick up an orange which I happen to have sted here I want you to pick up this Orange from there with your chin and place it

In your coffin can you do that go on PA go on pa okay little bit of that’s it Paula yes M the earrings oh quickly another chance another chance absolutely brilliant no nothing happening at all absolutely superb okay right okay fine lovely thanks very much I’m very sorry about that okay right

Let’s hope you’re all playing this game at home we don’t want anybody phoning up during the sandwich G because we want to concentrate very hard on what’s going on I’m sorry about that por are you all right I think that we’ll give you extra special feelings would you like a bit of

That that that’ll be lovely okay you’re all right a bit too damop you I’m mopping all the down here today bit of bobil on there for you and that’s a around each in the sandwich quiz okay are you ready yes that’s it do it nice and tightly cuz you’re going to eat that

One afterwards right open question either of you can answer hope you’re answering at home right can you sing the final notes of Schubert’s e8th Symphony the final notes of Schubert’s eth Symphony can you do that b no you can’t absolutely correct David because of course it was unfinished and

Therefore there are no final notes that’s swi oh right okay A bit of bit of complaint there but I think we’re going to go on soldiering on here in so much now wait a minute you’re doing it again David you got to answer a filling question going to get a chance to catch

Up that’s brilliantly done he’s got one there and one each we’re equal so far so what kind of feeling going to go for a bit of a jam one Jam okay can you say 73 sounds like a slippery sausage sandwich sorted in salad creamer with Salon SB 73 sounds like a salted sausage

Sandwich can have a look there if you want 73 sounds like a slippery sausage sandwich sorted in salad cream and served with a salon SBE not Paul because now we move on to the beamed current affairs section and here you have a chance as I know with all your great knowledge of world

Affairs you’re going to move right on in here into the current affairs questions in which of course we make current sandwiches which Countess is currently having an overhaul that can’t be right yes that’s what it say which CEST is currently having an overall no it’s the

Cunard count as a boat okay which trendy part of the world has recently been rocked by earthquakes Los Angeles Los Angeles absolutely correct there’s a few currents there for you bit of a current sandwich and we move on who won the embassy World Snooker Championship recently I there you DAV Steve Davis I

Think was in there worry about that David that’s another sandwich that you got to hurry up now David because it’s 3 to two Okay moving right along which girl pop star from the 60s has got a new record out which girl pop star from the 60s Barefoot in the Park is just a

Little tiny clue there barefoot Shanda Sandy Shaw absolutely correct did did she said Barefoot I see but if come on there okay final question we’re going to go on to now that’s the current with three rounds each I think at the moment there’s your currents look at this go on

Go for it David make the sandwich there’s your other bit of bread oh sorry brilliant okay dextrous sandwich making here we go go who are the boys in the old bright and blue who are the boys in the old bright and blue footballall quickly now football football absolutely the bright

FA Cup team has described in their new single and that’s another sandwich there to you and so that’s four rounds to three and I’m very sorry to lose you there David but of course Paula brilliantly sped up there and caught on and goes on without any help whatsoever I like to

Think there’s no cheating going on okay what we going to do now Paulo for you to get the beame sandwich loaf I want instead of saying the vowel sound I I want you to say squidy bun in our answers you think you can do that Paul

Or I know you can here we go what comes before the saying a tooth for a tooth a squidy bun for a squidy bun very good okay sing this line quickly oh I do like to be beside the seaside oh squidy bun beside the seaside

No sorry eyes got eyes I see eyes got eyee in it oh squidy bu squidy quickly say say seide without the SP sound eye in it c c squidy bun side oh that’s very close indeed and therefore I think absolutely fairly we can say that Paulie Yates is this week’s

Winner of the sandwich quiz there is the so much love thank you so that was another daring dazzling Des defying dull devastatingly dangerous electable delicate table to finally deiz wo well done Paula brilliant now we got to feed everybody haven’t we you’re all right you’re still with us we got to

Get all these sandwiches in and all that vanand have got to be fed where are some plates come on now come and give a hand here please Where let me go cry be black and blue someone say child there’s nothing else to do I just walking in the sunshine I leave a tur out behind you I got you got little r fin I can’t you better never find You Now Of till the trees I’m got care I just watch the sunshine I leave the to behind you I got I think find you Now now cuz I would say You got to read the book yeah it’s written in the Book I’m dreid [Applause] Spook out of me and leaves I follow to trees I bear I think you better never find you In got little Just in The sh