[Music] [Music] what’s this I salvaged it from the Meda station sir it’s a personality tuck machine so it can perform corrective surgery on your character exactly it scans the patient’s brain and forms a personality map it’s then able to enhance remove even sculpt the very traits that make that person who they are hypothetically I’m speaking hypothetically here do you think I could do with a little work take a seat sir I’ll cancel this week’s schedule so what can you do for me exactly I’ll begin by just marking out the areas I think we might be able to improve now here here here here here here yes all right frighten get on with it man oh take your pomposity large and unsightly your self-importance too is massively engorged what’s that huge area in the middle there but that is your cowardice sir perhaps you’d like me to perform a coward dect toy what reduces it a sort of wimo plasty hey what’s happening buds I’m about to perform some personality surgery on Mr rimmer he’s getting a new personality great idea not new molded tightened lifted shaped this is going to transform me I’m going to be the lady melting enormous Bal studmuffin I’ve always dreamt of now right one thing this isn’t going to hurt is it there’ll just be the slightest infanty tiny little scratch scratch well when I insert the laser laser well it has to burn perhaps I should give you a hollow sedative Sir with a needle sir please I’ll talk you through every aspect of the procedure step by step right now I’m just in that but where’s he gone Bo left Einstein was wrong it is possible to break the speed of [Music] light what guys keep the noise down trying to sleep here whoa what’s going on way off coely yeah who’s the Joker in charge of navigation you are sir seriously oh man think I might have doed stff L to a 5,000 clicks off course all you had to do is engage autopilot your watch your fault you can’t blame me for this what kind of lunch was that to give you pilot roast beef with all the followed by seconds followed by sticky toffee puddon followed by seconds followed by beer and coffee and cheese and Brandy and P and cigars and a little chocolate mint what chance did I stand after a Sunday lunch like that how long have I been out it’s Monday sir oh man no way it’s going to take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now maybe we could take a short cut across that asteroid Bel gelf country if these stories are to be believed the particular tribe of gelf that inhabit built Juno 98 sorry I just sat down on a screwdriver there’s nobody tidy up around here except me Brion you were saying sorry so yes that particular tribe are the nacki ners vampire GVS to you and me vampire gelf The Story Goes they Feast on the blood of virgins Feast on the blood of vs who believes that taking her in wait a minute hang on here slow the hell down what’s the problem I’m just curious how do they tell the virgins from The non- Virgins well according to the ancient myths they can smell them smell them what the hell does a virgin smell off desperation normally actually sir the actual science is that the kelf can smell the pheromone produced by fear Only The Virgins are scared so they’re the only ones producing the fear pheromone thus no issue for us taking her in hang on hold up can we discuss this for one stupid lousy second h on a minute are you no I suppose you must no never really don’t even say it okay moving on didn’t mean to open up a can of worms here I’ve had my share let me tell you more than my share plus I’ve had full-blown love affairs too well yes mirror in the bathroom mirror in the hall i’ forgotten about those don’t you guys know the cats always have two homes I got a lady cat back on Red Dwarf hell I got two on Zed deck Zed exactly that’s where they are on Zed deck but hiding from you guys cuz they’re only interested in me we will go the long way round and be quick about it cuz I got to get back to my lady cats on Zed I’m suddenly starting to miss him real bad I’m picking up a ship the energy signature is barely registering the seed those weaked in the Sarina Reserve team hosting logging into their main frame don’t bother in this region of space it could well be a gelf battle cruiser maintain current course get my boat according to the hack it’s a transport ship crew two one merid one prisoner a mercy what a merid is a Droid sir who has agreed to sacrif rice his life in exchange for software updates in Silicon Heaven these Mero are nuttier than a vegetarian breakfast that probably explains why the merid and his prisoner are on a death Dive Into the Heart of a super massive black hole so what now we got to board that crate before it passes the event arising risk our necks for one prisoner remember that prisoner might be human we can’t just abandon them never say can’t listy put your mind to it there’s no limit to who you can abandon all right C take her in Rimer let me your dictaphone what why because I’ve got an idea right come on let’s do this good luck keep in touch more ship Intel coming through via the hack they were transporting scien equipment to a bio station on water 15 something doesn’t smell right the ship’s log’s been deleted the black box has also been white clean not getting any pictures from your head cam there must be some kind of signal block in place how about now yes getting pictures now what did you do I just recalibrated the fluctuation Drive balancing impressive thanks you’re not going to like this but I’m picking up something in the movement tracker life science organic and part organic in Corridor beta 12 we exactly a beta 12 at the South entrance that’s where we are then you should be able to see them they’re there right on top of you maybe in the ceiling or under the floor run go back get out of there move now forward not that way other way no the other way lant move wait wa wait could these life signs could they by any chance be us ah yes of course organic and part organic yes it’s you she warn you about that in the instruction manual someone could come along and make a right idiot of himself ah it does mention it it’s this here in big red capitals so easy to miss I’m picking up em emissions this way sir I know you are here humies if you want to live you must leave he’s right I think we should go sir you haven’t seen him okay want to talk about your prisoner I want to do a trade no trade let’s talk no talk now take my advice and go leave who’s your prisoner and what have they done that is my business not yours you can trust us you really can you will achieve all your dreams Size Doesn’t Matter you are very handsome and women think you’re extremely attractive actually that’s not really true so drop your weapon and turn around [Applause] slowly head C down what’s going on are you okay we’re fine sir merid down I think I’ve located The Prisoner up two floors Bay 12 [Music] but am my place to see [Music] you wait are you are you you got a name sure I do stupid who doesn’t have a name incidentally that’s mine that’s mine that’s M that’s all this is mine what about that then that’s mine [Music] too this is mine that’s mine which is mine basically all of this is mine even that bit what about that bit mine man and all man look we’ll catch you guys later hey why don’t we meet up later on the pretext of having dinner but instead play the string game I love the string game you bring you I’ll bring the string see you at 8 if you’d like to follow me Mom I’ll show you to your quarters [Music] oh great what’s the big emergency extremely disturbing news sir according to the mechanoids black box that cat we brought on Red Dwarf is not a felis sapen it’s not a cat what is it then it’s a polymorph sir a polymorph that shape shifted into a fos Sapient precisely that’s why the merid was flying into that black hole it was the the only way you could ensure the polymorphs death and we kill the Mero saved the polymorph and brought it on board ship a nomination for JMC crew of the year is starting to look unlikely those damn Space Monkeys from the Omega 4 are going to get it again and another thing according to the Black Box the polymorph is carrying eggs eggs the hatch no Kinder Eggs of course eggs that hatch okay when will they hatch soon after Mom has found a host body to deposit them in I don’t know if I want to know this but um explain well I found a genetic mutant documentary on rednet I was about to watch it evening Falls and the impregnated female poof seduces a passing organism by appearing to be his mate and secretly deposits her eggs in The Unlucky host’s body where’s the cat what’s the time he’s on his date with the polymorph soong but now it seems so right what a lady what a [Music] night did you sleep with her what happened hey I ain’t kissing and telling I’ve had enough kissing for one night let me tell you you don’t understand we need to know all I’m saying is that she had some moves you’ve never even seen like what like when you’re rolling around making out and the next thing you know her big pipe thing shoots out of her back hovers above you like a crazy snake then whoo it straight down your throat woof I was like women don’t have a big tight thing not for you maybe if you drve them Crazy by blowing on their antennas what antennas boom out it comes then what happened the usual she just released her gushy tagple stuff down her pipe then afterwards she said she’ never been with anyone who could hold so many eggs I don’t know what the hell she meant but I think it meant I did good see you in the morning buds oh why T night why did it take so long to see just listen to me how do I break this to you you’re a [ __ ] R go easy on him let me handle this Catman you’re a [ __ ] sir that wasn’t a woman it wasn’t a felis Sapien her it was a shape shifter a what wasn’t a cat wasn’t a woman you just had sex with a genetically engineered insectoid arachnid it still counts come on it counts why doesn’t it count I’m counting [Music] it let me tell you she looked a hell of a lot better last night its life cycle complete it’s died as the female polymorph often does after the exhaustive process of depositing her morphlings into a host body depositing her what into what sir we need to get you to the science room and give you a full medical morling what’s a morling we’ll tell you later securely strapped to a medy bed just to explain the ultrasound sir the probe sends a pulse through your skin in into your body and the echo bounces back which allows us to make sure that everything is oh my God and what the hell is happening we’re just checking sir many of that one two three four what about them two five six and those down there are seven eight we’ve got to tell him so tell him better coming from kryon why me cuz you’ve got a better bedside man when it comes to telling patients they’re rattled with polymorphs hey what are you saying you talking about me sir I have some bad news you are pregnant with eight polymorph eggs when they hatch they will literally burst out of you using the nearest orifice available you mean rather than forming an orderly queue what the hell are we going to do first I think it’s essential that you eat something sir you’ve got to have all your strength to fight against them they’re currently depriving your body of many essential vitamins I can’t eat a time like this sir you must try I just want these things out of me have you thought about a cesarian okay are you sure yeah but no croutons it’s not a salad you gim booy it’s an operation where they laser open your abdomen I think it’s your only chance of survival sir it is no way thank God I didn’t have that coward ectomy we need to date him somehow wise words sir well at least that’s bored us some time we just need to get cleaned up and do this scalp scalpel scalpel someone been playing around with the settings on this thing right going in hang onone look at the scanner the morphlings are going crazy what are they turning into tumors they know we’re trying to extract them early and they’re fighting fire with fire we kill them they kill him what do we do we have to let them be born in the normal way should be normal as in shooting out of every orifice simultaneously you’ll be a bit like me after a DOA [Music] [Applause] [Music] they’re assuming the shapes of household objects trying to blend in [Applause] [Music] oh we got a [Laughter] rler oh it’s going to be so hard flushing this lot into deep space they’re so cute sir it’s their defense mechanism they’re trying to avoid being flushed into space look there’s a chinchilla with a pink hat and a hamster on a skateboard I love dation P look at them like a hedgehog in a top hat sitting inside a mini Sho and trolley so they are doing this on purpose to make us feel guilty you must remember what they’re going to turn into when they reach maturity I mean I mean most things look adorable when they’re first born even Velociraptors even the Rolling Stones so cute sir they’re evil genetic mutants I should flush them I got us into this mess I should be the one to get us out of it you sure I just want to have a minute to say goodbye we’ll be just around the corner sir oh look at that that one is cute sir [Music] how long’s he going to be he’s gone why didn’t I anticipate this he’s been affected by the oxytocin hormone released by the morphlings the what it’s a hormone that the morphlings excrete to ensure their hosts look after them until they’re strong enough to stand on their own sick suckers then devour is emotion ions precisely we’ve got to find him we have to narrow down the search somehow got an idea turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks so it’ll drive him down there and then what track them down undetected they are polymorphs they feed up emotions they will sensors not if one of us has got no emotions as they’ve had them all removed hey listy if you have a personality tuck to remove your emotions we’re Ed that stupid Tu machine why me kon’s the only one who knows how to operate it so it can’t be him it can’t be me obviously that leaves you why can’t it be you don’t interrupt then after the tuck you’ll be able to walk amongst the morphlings undetected they feed on human emotions and if you’ve got no emotions they won’t know you’re there and what will happen to my emotions we’ll just download your brain friton have a 5 megabyte memory stick on standby we’ll do sir I’m not sure about this ah you’re done excellent I haven’t started yet sir Mr liser sorry miles away are you ready sir yeah come on let’s do [Music] it [Music] let’s send him in then get this done ah what well according to the tracker we are now completely surrounded by life forms morphlings appear to have reached full maturation quicker than expected but what about the cat does that mean they’ve already scoffed all his emotions well according to the tracker there are nine life forms he’s still alive but barely living in an emotional in the semi-state his mind almost totally blank no change there then but with each polymorph we eliminates sir part of the cat’s personality will return hey Birds I need a hand here I’m busted up really bad how did you know that wasn’t the cat I didn’t to shoot him why not help me what’s wrong with him he’s got no emotions sir we’ve turned him into a dehumanized assassin so what should we do may I suggest sir run [Music] mode oh there you are sir I fear Mr liser may be a polymorph that’s how he was able to detect to the other polymorphs and kill them why would he be killing them oh they’re known for killing each other sir that way there’s more food for the Victor we can’t trust anyone so how can I trust you well how can I trust you and how can I trust either of you how many are left make it six six yes that’s right and he could be one of them I’m not a polymorph neither of I nor me what do we do why am I asking you because I’m not a polymorph but you might be so might you how about we go down to the science room and x-ray each other that way we can be sure good idea this is a nightmare that is this is me I’m it’s not me I not me they crying out loud isn’t this hard enough already let’s get to the science room and x-ray one another TR guys the head tied up but I got away what’s happening there are six polyols here and we don’t know who’s who I know I’m sure you work it out catch you later and you I know it’s it’s not me let’s get to the lift how did you know who was who a mama always knows her kids [Music] it’s me can I come in I’m trying to sleep bird I just wants to talk to you about that thing that you’re not I mean I know you’re not you know you’re not we both know you’re not because I’m that exactly but if you were which you’re not it wouldn’t mean that you were a loser it wouldn’t mean that you weren’t cool it just mean that you hadn’t met the right girl yet but done that exactly so no need to have this talk exactly so go away I’m gone man is he annoying so damn patronizing don’t you know a cat always has two homes I try to tell him but he won’t listen hey it’s late we keep talking and there ain’t going to be much time for loveing this is a dream isn’t it but look in the bright side you haven’t woke up yet let’s go pip me next on Dave James Buckley has to contend with Warriors and wizards in the series that combines comedy and fantasy in a way not seen since saon had to go for an eye test on Lord of the Rings it [Music] Zapped want to fresh mango juice up my [Music] toes in [Music] the
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Nice alien call back with the get outta there move stuffs.
😂