Disclaimer: “My Life — Volume 1” by Richard Wagner is in the public domain and available through Project Gutenberg. Founded in 1971, Project Gutenberg is an archive of digitized works that are freely accessible, mostly comprising public domain material in open formats.
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In this video, we will listen to the book “My Life — Volume 1” by Richard Wagner.
Richard Wagner, born in 1813 in Leipzig, Germany, was one of the most influential composers and conductors of the 19th century. His revolutionary ideas in music, particularly his concept of the “Gesamtkunstwerk” (total work of art), transformed the opera genre. Wagner’s works, such as “The Ring of the Nibelung,” “Tristan und Isolde,” and “Parsifal,” are characterized by their complex textures, rich harmonies, and profound integration of music and drama. Despite his musical genius, Wagner’s life was fraught with political controversies, financial troubles, and personal turmoil.
“My Life,” originally written for King Ludwig II of Bavaria and published posthumously, is Wagner’s autobiographical work. “Volume 1” provides a detailed account of his early life, including his childhood, education, and the influences that shaped his artistic development. Wagner discusses his early attempts at composition and his initial struggles to establish himself as a composer. He shares insights into the creation of his early operas, his involvement in the 1849 Dresden uprising, and his subsequent exile.
Throughout “Volume 1,” Wagner provides a vivid portrait of the people and events that influenced his career. He offers candid observations on the artistic and political climate of the time and reveals his thoughts on fellow musicians, conductors, and composers. Wagner’s passionate and often polarizing personality shines through in this intimate narrative, providing a unique glimpse into the mind of a musical genius.
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welcome to daily English audiobooks channel in this video we will listen to the book My Life Volume One by Richard vogner disclaimer My Life Volume One by Richard Vagner is in the public domain and available through Project Gutenberg founded in 1971 Project Gutenberg is an archive of digitized works that are freely accessible mostly comprising public domain material in open formats Richard Vagner born in 18 193 in lipik Germany was one of the most influential composers and conductors of the 19th century known primarily for his operatic Works Wagner revolutionized the genre with his concept of Camin workk a total work of art blending music drama and visual spectacle despite his controversial political and social views his contributions to music particularly in his operas like the ring cycle and Tristan endold left an indelible mark on the world of classical music My Life Volume One is the first part of Wagner’s autobiography completed in 1865 but not published until after his death in this volume Wagner details his early life musical education and formative experiences that shaped his career he provides insight into his personal relationships artistic Inspirations and the tomor uous events that influenced his music the Memoir offers a fascinating glimpse into Wagner’s creative process and his complex personality now let’s get started preface the contents of these volumes have been written down directly from my dictation over a period of several years by my friend and wife who wished me to tell her the story of my life it was the desire of both of us that these details of my life should be accessible to our family and to our sincere and trusted friends and we decided therefore in order to provide against a possible destruction of the one manuscript to have a small number of copies printed at our own expense as the value of this autobiography consists in its unadorned veracity which under the circumstances is its only justification therefore my statements had to be accompanied by precise names and dates hence there could be no question of their publication until some time after after my death should interest in them still survive in our descendants and on that point I intend leaving directions in my will if on the other hand we do not refuse certain intimate friends aight of these papers now it is that relying on their genuine interest in the contents we are confident that they will not pass on their knowledge to any who do not share their feelings in the matter Richard Vagner part one 1813 to 1842 two I was born at leipsig on the 22nd of May 1813 in a room on the second floor of the red and white lion and two days later was baptized at St Thomas’s church and Christen Wilhelm Richard my father friederick Wagner was at the time of my birth a clerk in the police service at Leipsic and hoped to get the post of Chief constable in that town but he died in the October of that same year his death was partly due to the great exertions imposed upon him by the stress of police work during the war troubles and the Battle of lipi and partly to the fact that he fell a victim to the nervous fever which was raging at that time as regards his father’s position in life I learned later that he had held a small civil appointment as toll collector at the ranad gate but had distinguished himself from those in the same station by giving his two sons a superior education my father Friedrich studying law and the younger son Adolf theology my uncle subsequently exercised no small influence on my development we shall meet him again at a critical turning point in the story of my youth my father whom I had lost so early was as I discovered afterwards a great lover of poetry and literature in general and possessed in particular an almost passionate affection for the drama which was at that time much in Vogue among the educated classes my mother told me among other things that he took her to lchad for the first performance of the brought Von mesina and that on the prominade he pointed out Schiller and Gera to her and reproved her warmly for never having heard of these Great Men He is said to have been not altogether free from a gallant interest in actresses my mother used to complain jokingly that she often had to keep lunch waiting for him while he was paying Court to a certain famous actress of the day when she tolded him he vowed that he had been delayed by papers that had to be attended to and as a proof of his assertion pointed to his fingers which were supposed to be stained with ink but on closer inspection were found to be quite clean his great fondness for the theater was further shown by his choice of the actor Ludwig guy as one of his intimate friends although his choice of this friend was no doubt mainly due to his love for the theater he at the same time introduced into his family the noblest of benefactors for this modest artist prompted by a warm interest in the lot of his friends large family so unexpectedly left destitute devoted the remainder of his life to making strenuous efforts to maintain and educate the orphans even when the police official was spending his evenings at the theater the worthy actor generally filled his place in the Family Circle and it seems had frequently to appease my mother who rightly or wrongly complained of the frivolity of her husband How Deeply the homeless artist hard pressed by life and tossed to and fro longed to feel himself at home in a sympathetic Family Circle was proved by the fact that a year after his friend’s death he married his widow and from that time forward became a most loving father to the seven children that had been left behind in this honorous undertaking he was favored by an unexpected Improvement in his position for he obtained a remunerative respectable and permanent engagement as a character actor at the newly established Court theater in Dresden his talent for painting which had already helped him to earn a livelihood when forced by extreme poverty to break off his university studies again stood him in good stad in his position at Dresden true he complained even more than his critics that he had been kept from a regular and systematic study of this art yet his extraordinary aptitude for portrait painting in particular secured him such important commissions that he unfortunately exhausted his strength prematurely by his two-fold exertions as painter and actor once when he was invited to Munich to fulfill a temporary engagement at the court theater he received through the distinguished recommendation of the Saxon Court such pressing commissions from the Bavarian court for portraits of the royal family that he thought it wise to cancel his contract altogether he also had a turn for poetry besides fragments often in very dainty verse he wrote several comedies one of which de Bethlehem adish kindermord in R alexandrin was often performed it was published and received the warmest praise from Gera this excellent man under whose care our family moved to Dresden when I was 2 years old and by whom my mother had another daughter Cecilia now also took my education in hand with the greatest care and affection he wished to adopt me altogether and accordingly when I was sent to my first school he gave me his own name so that till the age of 14 I was known to my Dresden School Fellows as Richard guy and it was not until some years after my stepfather’s death and on my family’s return to leig the home of my own kith and kin that I resumed the name of Wagner the earliest Recollections of my childhood are associated with my stepfather and passed from him to the theater I well remember that he would have liked to see me develop a talent for painting in his studio with the easel and the pictures upon it did not fail to impress me I remember in particular that I tried with a childish love of imitation to copy a portrait of King Frederick Augustus of Saxony but when this simple doing had to give place to a serious study of drawing I could not stand it possibly because I was discouraged by the pedantic technique of my teacher a cousin of mine who was rather a boore at one time during my early Boyhood I became so weak after some Childish ailment that my mother told me later she used almost to wish me dead for it seemed as though I should never get well however my subsequent good health apparently astonished my parents I afterwards learned the noble part played by my excellent stepfather on this occasion also he never gave way to despair in spite of the cares and Troubles of so large a family but remained patient throughout and never lost the hope of pulling me through safely my imagination at this time was deeply impressed by my acquaintance with the theater with which I was brought into contact not only as a childish spectator from the mysterious stage box with its access to the stage and by visits to the Wardrobe with its fantastic costumes wigs and other disguises but also by taking a part in the performances myself after I had been filled with fear by seeing my father play the villain’s part in such tragedies as D ways end der morar D Biden Garen scaven I occasionally took part in comedy I remember that I appeared under Weinberg and Elba a piece specially written to welcome the king of Saxony on his return from captivity with music by the conductor CM Von Weber in this I figure in a tableau vivon is an angel sewn up in tights with wings on my back in a graceful pose which I had laboriously practiced I also remember on this occasion being given a big iced cake which I was assured the king had intended for me personally lastly I can recall taking a child’s part in which I had a few words to speak in katu’s menion asked yendy ruy which furnished me with an excuse at school for not having learned my lessons I said I had too much to do as I had to learn by heart an important part in Den mention oer toai on the other hand to show how seriously my father regarded my education when I was 6 years old he took me to a clergyman in the country at pendorf near Dresden where I was to be given a sound and healthy training with other boys of my own class in the evening the vicer whose name was Wetzel used to tell us the story of Robinson cruso and discuss it with us in a highly instructive manner I was moreover much impressed by a biography of Mozart which was read aloud and the newspaper accounts and monthly reports of the events of the Greek war of independence stirred my imagination deeply my love for Greece which afterwards made me turn with enthusiasm to the mythology and history of ancient helis was thus the natural outcome of the intense and painful interest I took in the events of this period in after years the story of the struggle of the Greeks against the Persians always revived my impressions of this modern Revolt of Greece against the Turks one day when I had been in this country home scarcely a year a messenger came from town to ask the vicer to take me to my parents house in Dresden as my father was dying we did the three- hours Journey on foot and as I was very exhausted when I arrived I scarcely understood why my mother was crying the next day I was taken to my father’s bedside the extreme weakness with which he spoke to me combined with all the precautions taken in the last desperate treatment of his complaint acute hydrothorax made the whole scene appear like a dream to me and I think I was too frightened and surprised to cry in the Next Room my mother asked me to show her what I could play on the piano wisely hoping to divert my father’s Thoughts by the sound I played you immer true Endy redl kite and my father said to her is it possible he has musical talent in the early hours of the next morning my mother came into the great night nursery and standing by the bedside of each of us in turn told us with sobs that our father was dead and gave us each a message with his blessing to me she said he hoped to make something of you in the afternoon my school Master Wetzel came to take me back to the country we walked the whole way to pendorf arriving at nightfall on the way I asked him many questions about the stars of which he gave me my first intelligent idea a week later my stepfather’s brother arrived from isan for the funeral he promised as far as he was able to support the family which was now once more destitute and undertook to provide for my future education I took leave of my companions and of the kind-hearted clergymen and it was for his funeral that I paid my next visit to pendorf a few years later I did not go to the place again till long afterwards When I visit visited it on an Excursion such as I often made far into the country at the time when I was conducting the orchestra in Dresden I was much grieved not to find the old parsonage still there but in its place a more pretentious modern structure which so turned me against the locality that then forward my excursions were always made in another Direction this time my uncle brought me back to Dresden in the carriage I found my mother and sister in the deepest morning and remember being received for the first time with a tenderness not usual in our family and I noticed that the same tenderness marked our leaking when a few days later my uncle took me with him to isan this Uncle who was a younger brother of my stepfather had settled there as a Goldsmith and Julius one of my Elder Brothers had already been Apprentice to him our old grandmother also lived with this bachelor’s son and as it was evident that she could not live long she was not in formed of the death of her eldest son which I too was bidden to keep to myself the servant carefully removed the crepe from my coat telling me she would keep it until my grandmother died which was likely to be soon I was now often called upon to tell her about my father and it was no great difficulty for me to keep the secret of his death as I had scarcely realized it myself she lived in a dark back room looking out upon a narrow Courtyard and took a great Delight in watching the robins that fluttered freely about her and for which she always kept fresh green boughs by the stove when some of these Robins were killed by the cat I managed to catch others for her in the neighborhood which pleased her very much and in return she kept me tidy and clean her death as had been expected took place before long and the crepe that had been put away was now openly worn in Alin the back room with its Robin and green branches now knew me no more but I soon made myself at home with a soap boiler’s family to whom the house belonged and became popular with them on account of the stories I told them I was sent to a private school kept by a man called Weiss who left an impression of gravity and dignity upon my mind towards the end of the 50s I was greatly moved at reading in a musical paper of the account of a concert at Albin consisting of parts of tanhauser at which my former master who had not forgotten his young pupil had been present The Little Old Town with Luther’s house and the numberless memorials it contained of his stay there has often in later days come back to me in dreams I have always wished to revisit it and verify the clearness of my Recollections but strange to say it has never been my fate to do so we lived in the marketplace where I was often entertained by strange sites such for instance as performances by a troop of acrobats in which a man walked a rope stretched from Tower to Tower across the square an achievement which long inspired me with a passion for such Feats of Daring indeed I got so far as to walk a rope fairly easily myself with the help of a balancing pole I had made the Rope out of cords Twisted together and stretched across the courtyard and even now I still feel a desire to gratify my acrobatic instincts the thing that attracted me most however was the Brass Band of a huzar regiment quartered at Alan it often played a certain piece which had just come out and which was making a great sensation I mean the huntsman’s chorus out of the frice juts that had been recently performed at the Opera in Berlin my uncle and brother asked me eagerly about its composer Weber whom I must have seen at my parents house in Dresden when he was conductor of the orchestra there about the same time the jungr CR was zealously played and sung by some friends who lived near us these two pieces cured me of my weakness for the IPS salandy Walts which till that time I had regarded as the most wonderful of compositions I have Recollections of frequent tussles with the town boys who were constantly mocking at me for my Square cap and I remember too that I was very fond of rambles of Adventure among the rocky banks of the unstrut my uncle’s marriage late in life and the starting of his new home brought about a marked alteration in his relations to my family after a lapse of a year I was taken by him to lipic and handed over for some days to the Wagers my own father’s relatives consisting of my uncle Adolf and his sister friederick Wagner this extraordinarily interesting man whose influence afterwards became ever more stimulating to me now for the first time brought himself in his singular environment into my life he and my aunt were very close friends of Janette Tomy a queer Old Maid who shared with them a large house in the marketplace in which if I am not mistaken the Electoral family of Saxony had ever since the days of Augustus the strong hired and furnished the two principal stories for their own use whenever they were in lipick so far as I know Janette Tomy really owned the second story of which she inhabited only a modest apartment looking out on the courtyard as however the king merely occupied The Hired rooms for a few days in the year Janette and her Circle generally made use of his Splendid apartments and one of these State rooms was made into a bedroom for me the decorations and fittings of these rooms also dated from the days of Augustus the strong they were luxurious with heavy silk and Rich Roco furniture all of which were much soiled with age as a matter of fact I was delighted by these large strange rooms looking out upon the bustling yig marketplace where I loved above all to watch the students in the crowd making their way along in their old-fashioned Club attire and filling up the whole width of the street there was only one portion of the decorations of the rooms that I thoroughly disliked and this consisted of the various portraits but particularly those of Highborn Dames and hooped petticoats with youthful faces and powdered hair these appeared to me exactly like ghosts who when I was alone in the room seemed to come back to life and filled me with the most abject fear to sleep alone in this distant chamber in that old fashioned bed of State beneath those unearthly pictures was a constant Terror to me it is true I tried to hide my fear from my aunt when she lighted me to bed in the evening with her candle but never a night passed in which I was not a prey to the most horrible ghostly Visions my dread of which would leave me in a bath of perspiration the personality of the three chief occupants of this story was admirably adapted to materialize the ghostly impressions of the house into a reality that resembled some strange fairy tale Janette Tomy was very small and stout she wore a fair Titus wig and seemed to hug to herself the consciousness of vanished Beauty my aunt her faithful friend and guardian who was also an old maid was remarkable for the height and extreme leanness of her person the Oddity of her otherwise very pleasant face was increased by an exceedingly pointed chin my uncle Adolf had chosen as his permanent study a dark room in the courtyard there it was that I saw him for the first time surrounded by A Great Wilderness of books and attired in an unpretentious indoor costume the most striking feature of which was a tall pointed felt cap such as I had seen worn by the clown who belonged to the troop of rope dancers at Alan a great love of Independence had driven him to this strange retreat he had been originally destined for the church but he soon gave that up in order to devote himself entirely to philological studies but as he had the greatest dislike of acting as a professor and teacher in a regular post he soon tried to make a meter livelihood by literary work he had certain social gifts and especially a fine tenor voice and appears in his youth to have been welcome as a man of letters among a fairly Wide Circle of Friends at Li sick on a trip to Jenna during which he and a companion seemed to have found their way into various Musical and oratorical associations he paid a visit to Schiller with this object in view he had come armed with a request from the management of the leig theater who wanted to secure the rights of wallenstein which was just finished he told me later of the magic impression made upon Him by Schiller with his tall slight figure and irresistibly attractive blue eyes his only complaint was that owing to a well- meant trick played on him by his friend he had been placed in a most trying position for the latter had managed to send Schiller a small volume of Adolf Wagner’s poems in advance the young poet was much embarrassed to hear Schiller address him in flattering terms on the subject of his poetry but was convinced that the great man was merely encouraging him out of kindness afterwards he devoted himself entirely to philological Studio one of his best known Publications in that department being his parnaso Italiano which he dedicated to Gera in an Italian poem true I have heard experts say that the latter was written in unusually pompous Italian but gura sent him a letter full of Praise as well as a silver cup from his own household plate the impression that I as a boy of eight conceived of Adolf Wagner amid the surroundings of his own home was that he was a peculiarly puzzling character I soon had to leave the influence of this environment and was brought back to my people at Dresden Meanwhile my family under the guidance of my bereaved mother had been obliged to settle down as well as they could under the circumstances my eldest brother Albert who originally intended to study medicine had upon the advice of Weber who had much admired his beautiful tenor voice started his theatrical career in braslau my second sister Louisa soon followed his example and became an actress my eldest sister Rosalie had obtained an excellent engagement at the Dresden Court theater and the younger members of the family all looked up to her for she was now the main support of our poor Sorrowing mother my family still occupied the same comfortable home which my father had made for them some of the spare rooms were occasionally L to strangers and Spar was among those who at one time Lo Ed with us thanks to her great energy and to help receive from various sources among which the continued generosity of the Court out of respect to the memory of my late stepfather must not be forgotten my mother managed so well in making both ends meat that even my education did not suffer after it had been decided that my sister Clara owing to her exceedingly beautiful voice should also go on the stage my mother took the greatest care to prevent me from developing any taste whatever for the theater she never ceased to reproach herself for having consented to the theatrical career of my eldest brother and as my second brother showed no greater talents than those which were useful to him as a Goldsmith it was now her Chief desire to see some progress made towards the Fulfillment of the hopes and wishes of my stepfather who hoped to make something of me on the completion of my eighth year I was sent to the Cruz grammar school in Dresden where it was hoped I would study there I was placed at the bottom of the lowest class and started my education under the most unassuming opes my mother noted with much interest the slightest signs I might show of a growing love and ability for my work she herself though not highly educated always created a lasting impression on all who really learned to know her and displayed A peculiar combination of practical domestic efficiency and Keen intellectual animation she she never gave one of her children any definite information concerning her antecedence she came from weissenfels and admitted that her parents had been Bakers there even in regard to her maiden name she always spoke with some embarrassment and intimated that it was pertis though as we afterwards ascertained it was in reality berts strange to say she had been placed in a high class boarding school in lipick where she had enjoyed the advantage of the care and interest of one of her father’s influential friends to whom she afterwards referred as being a wymer prince who had been very kind to her family in weissenfels her education in that establishment seems to have been interrupted on account of the sudden death of this friend she became acquainted with my father at a very early age and married him in the first Bloom of her youth he also being very young though he already held an appointment her chief characteristics seemed to have been a keen sense of humor and an amiable temper so we need not suppose that it was merely a sense of Duty towards the family of a departed comrade that afterwards induced the admirable lwig guy to enter into matrimony with her when she was no longer youthful but rather that he was impelled to that step by a sincere and warm regard for the Widow of his friend a portrait of her painted by guire during the lifetime of my father gives one a very favorable impression of what she must have been even from the time when my recollection of her is quite distinct she always had to wear a cap owing to some slight affection of the head so that I have no recollection of her as a young and pretty mother her trying position at the head of a numerous family of which I was the seventh surviving member the difficulty of obtaining the wherewithal to rear them and of keeping up appearances on very limited resources did not conduce to evolve that tender sweetness and solicitude which are usually a associated with motherhood I hardly ever recollect her having fondled me indeed demonstrations of affection were not common in our family although a certain impetuous almost passionate and boisterous manner always characterized our dealings this being so it naturally seemed to me quite a great event when one night I fretful with sleepiness looked up at her with tearful eyes as she was taking me to bed and saw her gaze back at me proudly and fondly and speak of me to a visitor then present with a certain amount of tenderness what struck me more particularly about her was the strange enthusiasm and almost pathetic manner with which she spoke of the great and of the beautiful in art under this heading however she would never have let me suppose that she included dramatic art but only poetry music and painting consequently she often even threatened me with her curse should I ever express exess a desire to go on the stage moreover she was very religiously inclined with intense fervor she would often give us long sermons about God and the Divine quality in man during which now and again suddenly lowering her voice in a rather funny way she would interrupt herself in order to rebuke one of us after the death of our stepfather she used to assemble us all around her bed every morning when one of us would read out a him or a part of the church church service from the prayer book before she took her coffee sometimes the choice of the part to be read was hardly appropriate as for instance when my sister Clara on one occasion thoughtlessly read the prayer to be said in time of war and delivered it with so much expression that my mother interrupted her saying oh stop good gracious me things are not quite so bad as that there’s no war on at present in spite of our limited means we had Lively and as they appeared to my boyish imagination even brilliant evening parties sometimes after the death of my stepfather who thanks to his success as a Portrait Painter in the later years of his life had raised his income to what for those days was a really decent total many agreeable acquaintances of very good social position whom he had made during this flourishing period still remain on friendly terms with us and would occasionally join us at our evening Gatherings amongst those who came were the members of the Court theater who at that time gave very charming and highly entertaining parties of their own which on my return to Dresden later on I found had been altogether given up very delightful two were the picnics arranged between us and our friends at some of the beautiful spots around Dresden for these excursions were always brightened by a certain artistic spirit and general good cheer I remember once such outing we arranged to lowitz where we made a kind of gypsy camp in which Carl Maria von Weber played his part in the character of cook at home we also had some music my sister Rosalie played the piano and Clara was beginning to sing of the various theatrical performances we organized in those early days often after elaborate preparation with the view of amusing ourselves on the birthdays of our elders I can hardly remember one save a parody on the Romantic play of safo by Grill parser in which I took part as one of the singers in the crowd that preceded faan’s triumphal car I endeavored to revive These Memories by means of a fine puppet show which I found among the effects of my late stepfather and for which he himself had painted some beautiful scenery it was my intention to surprise My People by means of a brilliant performance on this little stage after I had very clumsily made several puppets and had provided them with a scandy wardrobe made from cuting of material prolin from my sisters I started to compose a chalc drama in which I proposed to rehearse my puppets when I had drafted the first scene my sisters happened to discover the Ms and literally laughed at to scorn and to my great annoyance for a long time afterwards they chaffed Me by repeating one particular sentence which I had put into the mouth of the heroine and which was ichor Shan Den Ritter trapson I hear his nightly footsteps falling I now returned with renewed artor to the theater with which even at this time my family was in close touch Den Frist juts in particular appealed very strongly to my imagination mainly on account of its ghostly theme the emotions of Terror and the dread of ghosts formed quite an important factor in the development of my mind from my earliest childhood certain mysterious and uncanny things exercised an enormous influence over me if I were left alone in a room for long I remember that when gazing at lifeless objects such as pieces of furniture and concentrating my attention upon them I would suddenly shriek out with fright because they seemed to me alive even during the latest years of my Boyhood not a night passed without my waking out of some ghostly dream and uttering the most frightful shrieks which subsid Ed only at the sound of some human voice the most severe rebuke or even chastisement seemed to me at those times no more than a blessed release none of my brothers or sisters would sleep anywhere near me they put me to sleep as far as possible away from the others without thinking that my cries for help would only be louder and longer but in the end they got used even to this nightly disturbance in connection with this childish Terror What attracted me so strongly to the theater by which I mean also the stage the rooms behind the scenes and the dressing rooms was not so much the desire for entertainment and amusement such as that which impels the present day theater goers but the fascinating pleasure of finding myself in an entirely different atmosphere in a world that was purely fantastic and often gruesomely attractive thus to me a scene even a wing representing a bush or some costume or characteristic part of it seemed to come from another world to be in some way as attractive as an apparition and I felt that contact with it might serve as a lever to lift me from the dull reality of daily routine to that delightful region of spirits everything connected with a theatrical performance had for me the charm of mystery it both Bewitched and fascinated me and while I was trying with the help of a few Playmates to imitate the performance of der juts and to devote myself energetically to reproducing the needful costumes and masks in my grotesque style of painting the more elegant contents of my sister’s wardrobes in the beautifying of which I had often seen the family occupied exercised a subtle charm over my imagination nay my heart would beat madly at the very Touch of one of their dresses in spite of the fact that as I already mentioned our family was not given to outward manifestations of affection yet the fact that I was brought up entirely among feminine and surroundings must necessarily have influenced the development of the sensitive side of my nature perhaps it was precisely because my immediate circle was generally rough and impetuous that the opposite characteristics of Womanhood especially such as were connected with the imaginary world of the theater created a feeling of such tender longing in me luckily these fantastic humors merging from the gruesome into the mckishen by more serious influence is undergone at school at the hands of my teachers and School Fellows even there it was chiefly the weird that aroused my keenest interest I can hardly judge whether I had what would be called a good head for study I think that in general what I really liked I was soon able to grasp without much effort whereas I hardly exerted myself at all in the study of subjects that were uncongenial this characteristic was most marked in regard to arithmetic and later on mathematics in neither of these subjects did I ever succeed in bringing my mind seriously to Bear upon the tasks that were set me in the matter of the classics too I paid only just as much attention as was absolutely necessary to enable me to get a grasp of them for I was stimulated by the desire to reproduce them to myself dramatically in this way Greek particularly attracted me because the stories from Greek mythology so seized upon my fancy that I tried to imagine their Heroes as speaking to me in their native tongue so as to satisfy my longing for complete familiarity with them in these circumstances it will be readily understood that the grammar of the language seemed to me merely a tiresome obstacle and by no means in itself an interesting branch of knowledge the fact that my study of languages was never very thorough perhaps best explains the fact that I was afterwards so ready to see troubling about them altogether not until much later did this study really begin to interest me again and that was only when I learned to understand its physiological and philosophical side as it was revealed to our modern germanists by the Pioneer work of Jacob Grim then when it was too late to apply myself thoroughly to a study which At Last I had learned to appreciate I regretted that this newer conception of the study of languages had not yet found Acceptance in our colle Coles when I was younger nevertheless by my successes in philological work I managed to attract the attention of a young teacher at the Cruz grammar school a master of arts named silik who proved very helpful to me he often permitted me to visit him and show him my work consisting of metric translations and a few original poems and he always seemed very pleased with my efforts in recitation what he thought of me May best be judged perhaps from the the fact that he made me as a boy of about 12 recite not only Hector’s farewell from The Iliad but even Hamlet’s celebrated monologue on one occasion when I was in the fourth form of the school one of my School Fellows a boy named Stark suddenly fell dead and the tragic event aroused so much sympathy that not only did the whole school attend the funeral but the Headmaster also ordered that a poem should be written in commemoration of the ceremony and that this poem po should be published of the various poems submitted among which there was one by myself prepared very hurriedly none seemed to the master worthy of the honor which he had promised and he therefore announced his intention of substituting one of his own speeches in the place of our rejected attempts much distressed by this decision I quickly sought out Professor silik with the view of urging him to intervene on behalf of my poem we thereupon went through it together its well- constructed and well- rymed verses written in stanzas of eight lines determined him to revise the whole of it carefully much of its imagery was bombastic and far beyond the conception of a boy of my age I recollect that in one part one had drawn extensively from the monologue in Addison’s KO spoken by KO just before his suicide I had met with this passage in an English grammar and it had made a deep impression upon me the words the Stars shall fade away the sun himself grow dim with age and nature sink in years which at all events were a direct plagiarism made silag laugh a thing at which I was a little offended however I felt very grateful to him for thanks to the care and rapidity with which he cleared my poem of these extravagances it was eventually accepted by the Headmaster printed and widely circulated the effect of this success was extraordinary both on my School Fellows and on my own family my mother devoutly folded her hands and thankfulness and in my own mind my vocation seemed quite a settled thing it was clear beyond the possibility of a doubt that I was destined to be a poet Professor silik wished me to compose a grand epic and suggested as a subject the Battle of Parnassus as described by panus his reasons for this Choice were based upon the legend related by penus viz that in the 2 Century BC the muses from Parnassus aided the combined Greek armies against the destructive invasion of the GS by provoking a panic among the latter I actually began my heroic poem in hexamer verse but could not get through the first kto not being far enough advanced in the language to understand the Greek tragedies thoroughly in the original my own attempts to construct a tragedy in the Greek form were greatly influenced by the fact that quite by accident I came across August ail’s clever imitation of this style and his striking poems poios and aier for my theme I selected the death of ulyses from a fable of hyginus According to which the Aged hero is killed by his son The Offspring of his Union with Calypso but I did not get very far with this work either before I gave it up my mind became so bent upon this sort of thing that that dollar studies naturally ceased to interest me the mythology Legends and at last the history of Greece alone attracted me I was fond of Life marry with my companions and always ready for a joke or an adventure moreover I was constantly forming friendships almost passionate in their ardor with one or the other of my comrades and in Choosing My associates I was mainly influenced by the extent to which my new acquaintance appealed to my eccentric imagination at one time it would be poetizing and versifying that decided my choice of a friend and another theatrical Enterprises while now and then it would be a longing for rambling and Mischief furthermore when I reached my 13th year a great change came over our family Affairs my sister Rosalie who had become the chief support of our household obtained an advantageous engagement at the theater in Prague with mother and children were moved in 1820 thus giving up the Dresden home altogether I was left behind in Dresden so that I might continue to attend the Cruz grammar school until I was ready to go up to the university I was therefore sent to board and Lodge with a family named bone whose Sons I had known at school and in whose house I already felt quite at home with my residence in this somewhat rough poor and not particularly well-conducted family my years of dissipation began I no longer enjoyed the quiet retirement necessary for work nor the gentle spiritual influence of my sister’s companionship on the contrary I was plunged into a busy Restless life full of rough horseplay and of corals nevertheless it was there that I began to experience the influence of the gentler sex in a manner hitherto unknown to me as the grown-up Daughters of the family and their friends often filled the scanty and narrow rooms of the house indeed my first Recollections of boyish love date from this period I remember a very beautiful young girl whose name if I am not mistaken was Emily Hoffman coming to call at the house one Sunday she was charmingly dressed and her appearance as she came into the room literally struck me down with amazement on other occasions I recollect pretending to be too helplessly sleepy to move so that I might be carried up to bed by the girls that being as they thought the only remedy for my condition and I repeated this because I found to my surprise that their attention under these circumstances brought me into closer and more gratifying proximity with them the most important event during this year of separation from my family was however a short visit I paid to them in proc in the middle of the winter my mother came to Dresden and took hack with her to Prague for a week her way of traveling was quite unique to the end of her days she preferred the more dangerous mode of traveling in a Hackney Carriage to the quicker journey by mail coach so that we spent three whole days in the bitter cold on the road from Dresden to prog the journey over the Bohemian mountains often seemed to be beset with the greatest dangers but happily we survived our thrilling adventures and at last arrived in Prague where I was suddenly plunged into entirely new surroundings for a long time the thought of leaving Saxony on another visit to Bohemia and especially Prague had had quite a romantic attraction for me the foreign nationality the broken German of the people The Peculiar headgear of the women the native lines the harp girls and musicians and finally the everpresent signs of Catholicism its numerous chapels and shrines all produced on me a strangely exhilarating impression this was probably due to my craze for everything theatrical and spectacular as distinguished from simple bgea Customs above all the antique Splendor and beauty of the incomparable city of Prague became indelibly stamped on my fancy even in my own family surroundings I found attractions to which I had hither to been a stranger for instance my sister Odie only 2 years older than myself had won the devoted friendship of a noble family that of count P two of whose daughters Jenny and AUST who had long been famed as the leading beauties of prog had become fly attached to her to me such people and such a connection were something quite novel and enchanting besides these certain bosea spres of proc among them W Marzano a strikingly handsome and Charming Man were frequent visitors at our house they of and earnestly discussed the Tales of Hoffman which at that date were comparatively new and had created some sensation it was now that I made my first though rather superficial acquaintance with this romantic Visionary and so received a stimulus which influenced me for many years even to the point of infatuation and gave me very peculiar ideas of the world in the following spring 1827 I repeated this journey from Dres to Prague but this time on foot and accompanied by my friend Rudolph bone our tour was full of Adventure we got to within an hour of templet the first night and next day we had to get a lift in a wagon as we had walked our feet sore yet this only took us as far as Lois sits as our funds had quite run out under a scorching Sun hungry and half fainting we wandered Along by paaths through absolutely unknown country until at sundown we happened to reach the main road just as an elegant traveling coach came in sight I humbled my pride so far as to pretend I was a traveling journeyman and begged the distinguished Travelers for arms while my friend timidly hid himself in the ditch by the roadside luckily we decided to seek shelter for the night in an inn where we took counsel whether we should spend the arms just received on a supper or a bed we decided for the supper proposing to spend the night under the Open Sky while we were refreshing ourselves a Strang looking wayf farer entered he wore a black velvet skull cap to which a metal liar was attached like a cockade and on his back he bore a harp very cheerfully he sat down his instrument made himself comfortable and called for a good meal he intended to stay the night and to continue his way next day to Prague where he lived and with he was returning from Hanover my good spirits and courage were stimul ulated by the jovial manners of this merry fellow who constantly repeated his favorite motto non plus Ultra we soon struck up an acquaintance and in return for my confidence the strolling player’s attitude to me was one of almost touching sympathy it was agreed that we should continue our journey together next day on foot he lent me two 20 citer pieces about 9 and allowed me to write my PR address in his pocketbook I I was highly delighted at this personal success my harbest grew extravagantly merry a good deal of chernos wine was drunk he sang and played on his harp like a madman continually reiterating his non plus Ultra till at last overcome with wine he fell down on the straw which had been spread out on the floor for our common bed when the sun once more peeped in we could not Rouse him and we had to make up our minds to set off in the freshness of the early morning morning without him feeling convinced that the sturdy fellow would overtake US during the day but it was in vain that we looked out for him on the road and during our subsequent stay in proc indeed it was not until several weeks later that the extraordinary fellow turned up at my mother’s not so much to collect payment of his loan as to inquire about the welfare of the young friend to whom that loan had been made the remainder of our journey was very fatiguing and the joy I felt when I at last last beheld Prague from the summit of a hill at about an hour’s distance simply Beggar’s description approaching the suburbs we were for the second time met by a splendid Carriage from which my sister ‘s two lovely friends called out to me in astonishment they had recognized me immediately in spite of my terribly sunburnt face blue linen blouse and bright red cotton cap overwhelmed with shame and with my heart beating like mad I could hardly utter a word and hurried away to my mother’s to attend at once to the restoration of my sunburnt complexion to this task I devoted two whole days during which I swayed my face in parsley puses and not till then did I seek the pleasures of society when on the return journey I looked back once more on Prague from the same Hilltop I burst into tears flung myself on the earth and for a long time could not be induced by my astonished companion to pursue the journey I was downcast for the rest of the way and we arrived home in Dresden without any further adventures during the same year I again gratified my fancy for long excursions on foot by joining a numerous company of gramar school boys consisting of pupils of several classes and of various ages who had decided to spend their summer holidays in a tour to lipic this journey also stands Out Among the memories of my youth by by reason of the strong Impressions it left behind the characteristic feature of our party was that we all ate the student by behaving and dressing extravagantly in the most approved student fashion after going as far as M on the market boat our path lay off the main road through villages with which I was as yet unfamiliar we spent the night in the vast Barn of a village in and our adventures were of the wildest description there we saw large inet show with almost life-sized figures our entire party settled themselves in the auditorium where their presence was a source of some anxiety to the managers who had only reckoned on an audience of peasants genevo was the play given the ceaseless silly gests and constant interpolations and jeering interruptions in which our core of embryo students indulged finally aroused the anger even of the peasants who had come prepared to weep I believe I was the only one of our party who was pained by these impertinences and in spite of involuntary laughter at some of my comrades jokes I not only defended the play itself but also its original simple-minded audience a popular catchphrase which occurred in the piece has ever since remained stamped on my memory goo instructs the inevitable Casper that when the count Palatine returns home he must tickle him behind so that he should feel in front Hinton zuk kitson Das or vorn fall Casper conveys goo’s order verbatim to the count and the latter reproaches the unmasked Rogue in the following terms uttered with the greatest paos oh goo goo thou Hast told Casper to tickle me behind so that I shall Feel It In Front from Grim our party rode into leig in open carriages but not until we had first carefully removed all the outward emblems of the undergraduate lest the local students we were likely to meet might make us Ru our presumption since my first visit when I was 8 years old I had only once returned to leig and then for a very brief stay and under circumstances very similar to those of the earlier visit I now renewed my fantastic impressions of the Tomy house but this time owing to my more advanced education I looked forward to more intelligent intercourse with my uncle Adolf an opening for this was soon provided by my joyous astonishment on learning that a bookcase in the large anti room containing a goodly collection of books was my property having been left me by my father I went through the books with my uncle selected at once a number of Latin authors in the handsome Z Brook Edition along with sunry attractive looking works of poetry and Belle’s letra and arranged for them to be sent to Dresden during this visit I was very much interested in in the life of the students in addition to my impressions of the theater and of Prague now came those of the so-called swaggering undergraduate a great change had taken place in this class when as a lad of eight I had my first glimpse of students their long hair their old German costume with the black velvet skull cap and the shirt collar turned back from the bare neck had quite taken my fancy but since that time the old student associations which affected this fashion had disappeared in the face of police prosecutions on the other hand the national student clubs no less peculiar to Germans had become conspicuous these clubs adopted more or less the fashion of the day but with some little exaggeration albeit their dress was clearly distinguishable from that of other classes owing to its picturesque and especially its display of the various Club colors the comment that compendium of pedantic rules of conduct for the preservation of a defiant and exclusive espri Decor as opposed to the Bourgeois classes had its fantastic side just as the most fistin peculiarities of the Germans have if you probed them deeply enough to me it represented the idea of emancipation from the Yoke of school and family the longing to become a student coincided unfortunately with my growing dislike for drier studies and with my ever increasing fondness for cultivating romantic poetry the results of this soon showed themselves in my Resolute attempts to make a change at the time of my confirmation at Easter 1827 I had considerable doubt about this ceremony and I already felt a serious falling off of my reverence for religious observances the boy who not many years before had gazed with agonized sympathy on the Altarpiece in the Cru kiry Church of the Holy Cross and had yearned with ecstatic fervor to hang upon the cross in place of the Savior had now so far lost his veneration for the clergyman whose Preparatory confirmation classes he attended as to be quite ready to make fun of him and even to join with his comrades and withholding part of his class fees and spending the money in sweets how matters stood with me spiritually was revealed to me almost in my horror at the communion service when I walked in procession with my fellow communicants to the altar to the sound of organ and choir the shudder with which I received the bread and wine was so ineffably stamped on my memory that I never again partook of the communion lest I should do so with levity to avoid this was all the easier for me seeing that among Protestants such participation is not compulsory I soon however seized or rather created an opportunity of forcing a breach with the Cruz grammar school and thus compelled my family to let me go to lipik in self-defense against what I considered an unjust punishment with which I was threatened by the assistant Headmaster bombart and crues for whom I otherwise had great respect I asked to be discharged immediately from the school on the ground of sudden summons to join my family in lipic I had already left the bom household 3 months before and now lived alone in a small Garrett where I was waited on by the Widow of a court plate washer who at every meal served up the familiar thin Saxon coffee as almost my sole nourishment in this attic I did little else but write verses here too I formed the first outlines of that stupendous tragedy which afterwards filled my family with such consternation The Irregular habits I acquired through this premature domestic Independence induced my anxious mother to consent very readily to my removal to lipick the more so as a part of our scattered family had already migrated there my longing for lipick originally aroused by the Fantastic Impressions I had gained there and later by my enthusiasm for a student’s life had recently been still further stimulated I had seen scarcely anything of my sister Louisa at that time a girl of about 22 as she had gone to the theater of breast laau shortly after our stepfather’s death quite recently she had been in Dresden for a few days on her way to life sick having accepted an engagement at the theater there this meeting with my almost unknown sister her hearty manifestations of Joy at seeing me again as well as her sprightly merry disposition quite won my heart to live with her seemed an alluring Prospect especially as my mother and Odie had joined her for a while for the first time a sister had treated me with some tenderness when At Last I reached leig at Christmas in the same year 1827 and there found my mother with Odie and Cecilia my half sister I fancied myself in heaven great changes however had already taken place Louisa was betrodd to a respected and welltoo book seller friederick Brock House this Gathering Together of the relatives of the penniless bride elect did not seem to trouble her remarkably kind-hearted fiance but my sister may have become uneasy on the subject for she soon gave me to understand that she was not taking it quite in good part her desire to secure an entree into the higher Social Circles of bgea Life naturally produced a marked change in her manner at one time so full of fun and of this I gradually became so keenly sensible that finally we were estranged for a Time moreover I unfortunately gave her good cause to reprove my conduct after I got to lipic I quite gave up my studies and all regular school work probably owing to the arbitrary and pedantic system in Vogue at the school there in leig there were two higher class schools one called St Thomas’s school and the other in the more modern St Nicholas’s School the latter at that time enjoyed a better reputation than the former so there I had to go but the Council of teachers before whom I appeared for my entrance examination at the New Year 1828 thought fit to to maintain the Dignity of their school by placing me for a time in the upper third form whereas at the Cruz grammar school in Dresden I had been in the second form my disgust at having to lay aside my Homer from which I had already made written translations of 12 songs and take up the lighter Greek Pros writers was Indescribable it hurt my feelings so deeply and so influenced my behavior that I never made a friend of Any teacher in the school the UN sympathetic treatment I met with made me all the more obstinate and various other circumstances in my position only added to this feeling while Student Life as I saw it day by day inspired me ever more and more with its rebellious spirit I unexpectedly met with another cause for despising the dry monotony of school regime I refer to the influence of my uncle Adolf Wagner which though he was long unconscious of it went a long way towards molding the grown strippling that I then was the fact that my romantic tastes were not based solely on a tendency to superficial Amusement was shown by my Ardent attachment to this learn relative in his Manner and conversation he was certainly very attractive the many-sidedness of his knowledge which embraced not only philology but also philosophy in general poetic literature rendered intercourse with him a most entertaining Pastime as all those who knew him used to admit I’m on the other hand the fact that he was denied the gift of writing with equal charm or clearness was a singular defect which seriously lessen his influence upon the literary world and in fact often made him appear ridiculous as in a written argument he would perpetrate the most pompous and involved sentences this weakness could not have alarmed me because in the hazy period of my youth the more incomprehensible any literary extravagance was the more I admired it besides which I had more experience of his conversation than of his writings he also seemed to find pleasure in associating with the lad who could listen with so much heart and soul yet unfortunately possibly in the fervor of his discourses of which he was not a little proud he forgot that their substance as well as their form was far above my youthful powers of comprehension I called daily to accompany him on his constitutional walk Beyond The City Gate Gates and I shrewdly suspect that we often provoke the smiles of those passers by who overheard the profound and often Earnest discussions between us the subjects generally ranged over everything serious or Sublime throughout the whole realm of knowledge I took the most enthusiastic interest in his copious library and tasted eagerly of almost all branches of literature Without Really grounding myself in any one of them my uncle was delighted to find in me a very very willing listener to his recital of classic tragedies he had made a translation of edus and according to his intimate friend te just Lee flattered himself on being an excellent reader I remember once when he was sitting in his desk reading out a Greek tragedy to me it did not annoy him when I fell fast asleep and he afterwards pretended he had not noticed it I was also induced to spend my evenings with him owing to the friendly and genial Hospitality as wife showed me a very great change had come over my uncle’s life since my first acquaintance with him at Janette tomy’s the home which he together with his sister friederick had found in his friend’s house seemed as time went on to have brought in its trained duties that were irksome as his literary work assured him a modest income he eventually deemed it more in accordance with his dignity to make a home of his own a friend of his of the same age as himself the sister of the Estee one of leipsig who afterwards became famous was chosen by him to keep house for him without saying a word to Janette instead of going for his usual afternoon walk he went to the church with his chosen bride and got through the marriage ceremonies as quickly as possible and it was only on his return that he informed us he was leaving and would have his things removed that very day he managed to meet the consternation perhaps also the reproach es of his elderly friend with quiet composure and to the end of his life he continued his regular daily visits to Mel Tomy who at times would coily pretend to sulk it was only poor friederick who seemed obliged at times to atone for her brother’s sudden unfaithfulness What attracted me and my uncle most strongly was his blunt contempt of the modern pedantry and state church and school to which he gave vent with some humor despite the great moderation of usual views on life he yet produced on me the effect of a thorough freeth thinker I was highly delighted by his contempt for the pedantry of the schools once when I had come into serious conflict with all the teachers of the Nikolai school and the director of the school had approached my uncle as the only male representative of my family with a serious complaint about my behavior my uncle asked me during a stroll around the town with a calm Smile as though he were speaking to one one of his own age what I had been up to with the people at school I explained the whole Affair to him and described the punishment to which I had been subjected and which seemed to me unjust he pacified me and exhorted me to be patient telling me to comfort myself with the Spanish proverb unre no pu morir which he explained as meaning that the ruler of a school must have necessity always be in the right he could not of course help noticing to his alarm the effect upon me of this kind of conversation which I was far too young to appreciate although it annoyed me one day when I wanted to begin reading gerta’s fa to hear him say quietly that I was too young to understand it yet according to my thinking his other conversations about our own great poets and even about Shakespeare and Dante had made me so familiar with these Sublime figures that I had now for some time been secretly busy working out the great tragedy I had already be conceived and dresed in since my trouble at school I had devoted all my energies which ought by rights to have been exclusively directed to my school duties to the accomplishment of this task in this secret work I had only one Confidant my sister Odie who now lived with me at my mother’s I can remember the misgivings and alarm which the first confidential communication of my great poetic Enterprise aroused in my good sister yet she affectionately suffered the tortures I sometimes inflicted on her by reciting to her in secret but not without emotion portions of my work as it progressed once when I was reciting to her one of the most gruesome scenes a heavy thunderstorm came on when the lightning flashed quite close to us and the Thunder rolled my sister felt bound to implore me to stop but she soon found it was hopeless and continued to endure it with touching devotion but a more significant storm was brewing on on the horizon of my life my neglect of school reached such a point that it could not but lead to a rupture whilst my dear mother had no presentiment of this I awaited the catastrophe with longing rather than with fear in order to meet this crisis with dignity I at length decided to surprise my family by disclosing to them The Secret of My Tragedy which was now completed they were to be informed of this great event by my uncle I thought I could rely upon his hearty recognition of my vocation as a great poet on account of the deep Harmony between us on all other questions of life science and art I therefore sent him my voluminous manuscript with a long letter which I thought would please him immensely in this I communicated to him first my ideas with regard to the St Nicholas’s school and then my firm determination from that time forward not to allow any mere school pedantry to check my free development but but the event turned out very different from what I had expected it was a great shock to them my uncle quite conscious that he had been Indiscreet paid a visit to my mother and brother-in-law in order to report The Misfortune that had befallen the family reproaching himself for the fact that his influence over me had not always perhaps been for my good to me he wrote a serious letter of discouragement and to this day I cannot understand why he showed so small a sense of humor in understanding my bad behavior to my surprise he merely said that he reproached himself for having corrupted Me by conversations unsuited to my ears but he made no attempt to explain to me good-naturedly the error of my ways the crime this boy of 15 had committed was as I said before to have written a great tragedy entitled lbl Endy adelade the manuscript of this drama has unfortunately been lost but I can still see it clearly in my mind’s eye the handwriting was most affected and the backward sloping tall letters with which I had aimed at giving it an air of Distinction had already been compared by one of my teachers to Persian hieroglyphics in this composition I had constructed a drama in which I had drawn largely upon Shakespeare’s Hamlet King leir and MCB Beth and Gera got’s van beringen the plot was really based on a modification of Hamlet the difference consisting in the fact that my hero is so completely Carried Away by the appearance of the ghost of his father who has been murdered under similar circumstances and demands Vengeance that he is driven to fearful Deeds of violence and with a series of murders on his conscience he eventually goes mad lual whose character is a mixture of Hamlet and Harry Hotspur had promised his father’s ghost to wipe from the face of the Earth the whole race of Roderick as the ruthless murderer of the of fathers was named after having slain rodick himself in Mortal Combat and subsequently all his sons and other relations who supported him there was only one obstacle that prevented lual from fulfilling the dearest wish of his heart which was to be United in death with the shade of his father a child of roderick’s was still alive during the storming of his castle the murderer’s daughter had been carried away into safety by a faithful Suitor whom she however detested I had an irresistible impulse to call this Maiden Adelaide as even at that early age I was a great Enthusiast for everything really German I can only account for the obviously ungerman name of my heroin by my infatuation for Boven Adelaide whose tender refrain seemed to me the symbol of all loving appeals the course of my drama was now characterized by the strange delays which took place in the accomplishment of this last murder of Vengeance that Chief obstacle to which lay in the sudden passionate love which arose between lbl and Adelaide I succeeded in representing the birth and a vowel of this love by means of extraordinary Adventures Adelaide was once more stolen away by a robber knight from the lover who had been Sheltering her after lual had thereupon sacrificed the lover and all his relations he hastened to the robber’s castle driven neither less by a thirst for blood than by a longing for death for this reason he regrets his inability to storm the robbers Castle forth with because it is well-defended and moreover night is fast falling he is therefore obliged to pitch his tent after raving for a while he sinks down for the first time exhausted but being urged like his prototype Hamlet by the spirit of his father to complete his vow of Vengeance he himself suddenly falls into the power of the enemy during a night assault if the Subterranean dungeons of the castle he meets roderick’s daughter for the first time she is a prisoner like himself and is craftily devising flight under circumstances in which she produces ANM the impression of a heavenly vision she makes her appearance before him they fall in love and fly together Into the Wilderness where they realize that they are deadly enemies the incipient Insanity which was already noticeable and lubl breaks out more violently after this discovery and everything that can be done to intensify it is contributed by the ghost of his father which continually comes between the advances of the lovers but this ghost is not the only disturber of the conciliating love of libal and adelade the Ghost of Roderick also appears and according to the method followed by Shakespeare and Richard III he is joined by the ghosts of all the other members of Adelaide’s family whom lubl has slain from the incessant importunities of these ghosts lbl seeks to free himself by means of sorcery and calls to his Aid a rascal named flamming one of mcbeth’s witches is summoned to lay the ghosts as she is unable to do this efficiently the Furious lubl sends her also to the devil but with her dying breath she dispatches the whole crowd of spirits who serve her to join the ghosts of those already pursuing him lubl tormented Beyond endurance and now at last raving mad turns against his beloved who is the apparent cause of all his misery he stabs her in his Fury then finding himself Suddenly at peace he sinks his head into her lap and accepts her last caresses as her lifeblood streams over his own dying body I had not omitted the smallest detail that could give this plot its proper coloring and had drawn on all my knowledge of the tales of the old Knights and my acquaintance with L and McBeth to furnish my drama with the most Vivid situations but one of the chief characteristics of its poetical form I took from the pathetic humorous and Powerful language of Shakespeare the boldness of my grandiloquent and bombastic Expressions roused my uncle adolf’s alarm and astonishment he was unable to understand how I could have selected and used with inconceivable exaggeration precisely the most extravagant forms of speech to be found in Lear and gots Von beringen never nevertheless even after everybody had deafened me with their laments over my lost time and perverted talents I was still conscious of a wonderful secret solace in the face of the Calamity that had befallen me I knew a fact that no one else could know namely that my work could only be rightly judged when set to the music which I had resolved to write for it in which I intended to start composing immediately I must now explain my position with respect to music hitherto for this purpose I must go back to my earliest attempts in the art in my family two of my sisters were musical the Elder one Rosalie played the piano without however displaying any marked Talent Clara was more gifted in addition to a great deal of musical feeling and a fine Rich touch on the piano she possessed a particularly sympathetic voice the development of which was so premature and remarkable that under the tuition of meek her singing master who was famous at that time she was apparently ready for the role of a primadana as early as her 16th year and made her debut at Dresden in Italian opera as senena in Rossini’s Opera of that name incidentally I may remark that this premature development proved injurious to Clara’s voice and was detrimental to her whole career as I have said music was represented in our family by these two sisters it was chiefly o to Clara’s career that the musical conductor CM Von Weber often came to our house his visits were varied by those of the great male soprano sassaroli and in addition to these two representatives of German and Italian music we also had the company of Meek her singing Master it was on these occasions that I as a child first heard German and Italian music discussed and learned that anyone who wished to ingratiate himself with the court must show a preference for Italian music a fact which led to very practical results in our family Council Claris Talent while her voice was still sound was the object of competition between the representatives of Italian and German Opera I can remember quite distinctly that from the very beginning I declared myself in favor of German Opera my choice was determined by the tremendous impression made on me by the two figures of sassaroli and Weber the the Italian male soprano a huge pop belly giant horrified me with his high effeminate voice his astonishing volubility and his incessant screeching laughter in spite of his boundless good nature and amiability particularly to my family I took an uncanny dislike to him on account of this Dreadful person the sound of Italian either spoken or sung seemed to my ears almost diabolical and when in consequence of my poor sister’s Misfortune I heard them often talking about Italian intrigues and cabals I conceived so strong a dislike for everything connected with this nation that even in much later years I used to feel myself Carried Away by an Impulse of utter detestation and abhorrence the less frequent visits of Weber on the other hand seem to have produced upon me those first sympathetic Impressions which I have never since lost in contrast to sasser’s repulsive figure Weber really fined delicate and intellectual appearance excited my ecstatic admiration his narrow face and finely cut features his vivacious though often half closed eyes captivated and thrilled me whilst even the bad limp with which he walked and which I often noticed from our Windows when the master was making his way home past our house from the fatiguing rehearsals stamped the great musician in my imagination as an exceptional and almost superhuman being when as a boy of nine my mother introduced me to him and he asked me what I was going to be whether I wanted perhaps to be a musician my mother told him that though I was indeed quite mad on frice juts yet she had as yet seen nothing in me which indicated any musical Talent this showed correct observation on my mother’s part nothing had made so great an impression on me as the music of fres chuts and I tried in every possible way to procure a repetition of The Impressions I had re received from it but strange to say least of all by the study of Music itself instead of this I contended myself with hearing bits from frice juts played by my sisters yet my passion for it gradually grew so strong that I can remember taking a particular fancy for a young man called SP chiefly because he could play the Overture to frice juts which I used to ask him to do whenever I met him it was chiefly the introduction to this Overture which at last led me to attempt without ever having received any instruction on the piano to play this piece in my own peculiar way for oddly enough I was the only child in our family who had not been given music lessons this was probably due to my mother’s anxiety to keep me away from any artistic interests of this kind in case they might arouse in me a longing for the theater when I was about 12 years old however my mother engaged a tutor for me named human from whom I received received regular music lessons though only of a very mediocre description as soon as I had acquired a very imperfect knowledge of fingering i’ begged to be allowed to play overtures in the form of Duets always keeping Weber as the goal of my ambition when at length I had got so far as to be able to play the Overture to fres juts myself though in a very faulty manner I felt the object of my study had been attained and I had no inclination to devote any further attention to perfecting my technique yet I had attained this much I was no longer dependent for music on the playing of others from this time forth I used to try and play albeit very imperfectly everything I wanted to know I also tried mozarts dwan but was unable to get any pleasure out of it mainly because the Italian text and the arrangement for the piano placed the music in a frivolous light in my eyes and much in it seemed to me trivial and unmanly I can remember that when my sister used to sing zerlin and zaret baddy baddy Ben MTO the music repelled me as it seemed so mock is and effeminate on the other hand my bent for music grew stronger and stronger and I now tried to possess myself of my favorite Pieces by making my own copies I can remember the hesitation with which my mother for the first time gave me the money to buy the scor paper on which I copied out Weber’s lso’s jacked which was the first piece of of music I transcribed music was still a secondary occupation with me when the news of Weber’s death and the longing to learn his music to Oberon fan my enthusiasm into flame again this received fresh impetus from the afternoon concerts in the grosser garden at Dresden where I often heard my favorite music played by zilman toown Band as I thought exceedingly well the mysterious Joy I felt in hearing an orchestra play quite close to me Still Remains one of my most pleasant memories the mere tuning up of the instruments put me in a state of Mystic excitement even the Striking of fifths on the violin seemed to me like a greeting from the spirit world which I may mention incidentally had a very real meaning for me when I was still almost a baby the sound of these fifths which has always excited me was closely associated in my mind with ghosts and spirits I remember that even much later in life I could never pass the small Palace of Prince Anthony at the end of the ostra Ali in Dresden without a shudder for it was there I had first heard the sound of a violin a very common experience to me afterwards it was close by me and seemed to my ears to come from the stone figures with which this Palace is adorned some of which are provided with musical instruments when I took up my post as musical conductor at Dresden and had to pay my official visit to Morganroth the president of the concert committee an elderly gentleman who lived for many years opposite that princely Palace it seemed odd to find that the player of fifths who had so strongly impressed my musical fancy as a boy was anything but a supernatural Spectre and when I saw the well-known picture in which a skeleton plays on his violin to an old man on his deathbed the ghostly character of those very notes impressed itself with particular Force upon my childish imagination when at last as a young man I used to listen to the zilman orchestra in the grer garden almost every afternoon one may Imagine The rapturous Thrill with which I drew in all the chaotic variety of sound that I heard as the orchestra tuned up the long draw of the OBO which seemed like a call from the dead to Rouse the other instruments never failed to raise all my nerves to a feverish pitch of tension and when the swelling sea in the Overture to fres chuts told me that I had stepped as it were with both feet right into the magic realm of awe anyone who had been watching me at that moment could hardly have failed to see the state I was in and this in spite of the fact that I was such a bad performer on the piano another work also exercised a great Fascination over me namely the Overture to Fidelio and E major the introduction to which affected me deeply I asked my sisters about bethoven and learned that the news of his death had just arrived obsessed as I still was by the terrible grief caused by Weber’s death this fresh loss due to the decease of this great master of Melody who had only just entered my life filled me with strange anguish a feeling nearly akin to my childish dread of the ghostly fifths on the violin it was now Beethoven’s music that I longed to know more thoroughly I came to lipick and found his music to Egmont on the piano at my sister Louis’s after that I tried to get hold of his sonatas at last at a concert at the Goan thas I heard one of the Master’s Symphonies for the first time it was the symphony in a major the effect on me was Indescribable to this must be added the impression produced On Me by Boven features which I saw in the lithographs that were circulated everywhere at that time and by the fact that he was deaf and lived a quiet secluded life I soon conceived an image of him in my mind as a Sublime unique supernatural being with whom none could compare this image was associated in my brain with that of Shakespeare in ecstatic dreams I met both of them saw and spoke to them and on awakening found myself bathed in tears it was at this time that I came across Mozart’s requium which formed the starting point of my enthusiastic absorption in the works of that Master his second finale to Don Juan inspired me to include him in my spirit world I was now filled with a desire to compose as I had before been to write verse I had however in this case to master the technique of an entirely separate and complicated subject this presented greater difficulties than I had met with in writing verse which came to me fairly easily it was these difficulties that drove me to adopt a career which bore some resemblance to that of a professional musician whose future distinction would be to win the titles of conductor and writer of Opera I now wanted to set lobl endi Adelaide to music similar to that which bethoven wrote to geris eggmon the various ghosts from the spirit world who were each to display different characteristics were to borrow their own distinctive coloring from appropriate musical accompaniment in order to acquire the necessary technique of composition quickly I studied loar’s method to General basses a work which was specially recommended to me in a musical lending library as a suitable textbook from which this art might be easily mastered I have distinct Recollections that the financial difficulties with which I was continually harassed throughout my life began at this time I borrowed loar’s book on the weekly payment system in the fond hope of having to pay for it only during a few weeks out of the savings of my weekly pocket money but the weeks ran on into months and I was still unable to compose as well as I wished Mr Frederick week whose daughter afterwards married Robert Schuman was at that time the proprietor of that lending library he kept sending me Troublesome reminders of the debt I owed him and when my bill had almost reached the price of loar’s book I had to make a clean breast of the matter to my family who thus not only learn of my financial difficulties in general but also of my latest transgression into the domain of music from which of course at the very most they expected nothing better than a repetition of lubl uny Adelaide there was great consternation at home my mother sister and brother-in-law with anxious faces discussed how my studies should be superintended in future to prevent my having any further opportunity for transgressing in this way Milan however yet knew the real State of Affairs at school and they hoped I would soon see the error of my ways in this case as I had in my former craze for poetry but other domestic changes were taking place which necessitated my being for some little time alone in our house at leig during the summer of 1829 when I was left entirely to my own devices it was during this period that my passion for music Rose to an extraordinary degree I had secretly been taking lessons in Harmony from G Mueller afterwards organist at altenberg an excellent musician belonging to the leipsig orchestra although the payment of these lessons was also destined to get me into hot water at home later on I could not even make up to my teacher for the delay in the payment of his fees by giving him the pleasure of watching me improve in my studies his teaching and exercises soon filled me with the greatest disgust as to my mind it all seemed so dry for me music was a spirit a noble and Mystic monster and any attempt to regulate it seemed to lower it in my eyes I gathered much more congenial instru ction about it from Hoffman’s fantasy stuck and then from my life Orchestra player and now came the time when I really lived and breathed in Hoffman’s artistic atmosphere of ghosts and spirits with my head quite full of Chrysler crespel and other musical specters from my favorite author I imagined that I had at last found in real life a creature who resembled them this ideal musician in whom for a time I fancied I had discovered a second Chrysler was a man called flot he was a tall exceedingly thin man with a very narrow head and an extraordinary way of walking moving and speaking whom I had seen at all those open air concerts which formed my principal source of musical education he was always with the members of the orchestra speaking exceedingly quickly first to one and then the other for they all knew him and seemed to like him the fact that they were making fun of him I only learned to my great confusion much later I remember having noticed this strange figure from my earliest days in Dresden and I gathered from the conversations which I overheard that he was indeed well known to all Dresden musicians this circumstance alone was sufficient to make me take a great interest in him but the point about him which attracted me more than anything was the manner in which he listened to the various items in the program he used to give peculiar convulsive nods of his head and blow out his cheeks as though with size all this I regarded as a sign of spiritual ecstasy I noticed moreover that he was quite alone that he belonged to no party and paid no attention to anything in the garden Save the Music whereupon my identification of this curious being with the conductor Chrysler seemed quite natural I was determined to make his acquaintance and I succeeded in doing so who shall describe my delight when I’m going to call on him at his rooms for the first time I found innumerable bundles of scores I had as yet never seen a score it is true I discovered to my regret that he possessed nothing either by bethoven Mozart or Weber in fact nothing but immense quantities of Works masses and canatas by composers such as sterl stamats styt Etc all of whom were entirely unknown to me yet flat was able to tell me so much that was good about them that the respect which I felt for scores in general helped me to overcome my regret at not finding anything by my beloved Masters it is true I learned later that poor flch had only come into the possession of these particular scores through unscrupulous dealers who had traded on his weakness of intellect and pmed off this worthless music on him for large sums of money at all events they were scores and that was quite enough for me FL and I became most intimate we were always seen going about together I a lanky boy of 16 and this weird shaky flax pole the doors of my deserted home were of and open for this strange guest who made me play My compositions to him while he ate bread and cheese in return he once arranged one of my ears for wind instruments and to my astonishment it was actually accepted and played by the band in kimchi’s Swiss Chalet that this man had not the smallest capacity to teach me anything never once occurred to me I was so firmly convinced of his originality that there was no need for him to prove it further than by listening patiently to my enthusiastic outpourings but as in course of time several of his own friends joined us I could not help noticing that the worthy flot was regarded by them all as a half-witted fool at first this merely pained me but a strange incident unexpectedly occurred which converted verted me to the general opinion about him FL was a man of some means and had fallen into the toils of a young lady of dubious character who he believed was deeply in love with him one day without warning I found his house closed to me and discovered to my astonishment that jealousy was the cause the unexpected discovery of this liaison which was my first experience of such a case filled me with a strange horror my friend suddenly appeared to me even more mad than he really was I felt so ashamed of my persistent blindness that for some time to come I never went to any of the garden concerts for fear I should meet my sham Chrysler by this time I had composed my first Sonata in D Minor I had also begun a pastoral play and had worked it out in what I felt sure must be an entirely unprecedented way I chose gtis ler Veron as a model for the form and plot of my work I scarcely even drafted out the labretto however but worked it out at the same time as the music in orchestration so that while I was writing out one page of the score I had not even thought out the words for the next page I remember distinctly that following this extraordinary method although I had not acquired the slightest knowledge about writing for instruments I actually worked out a fairly long passage which finally resolved itself into a scene for three female voices followed by the air for the tenor my bent for writing for the orchestra was so strong that I procured a score of Don laan and set to work on what I then considered a very careful orchestration of a fairly long air for soprano I also wrote A cartet and D major after I had myself sufficiently mastered the alto for the viola my ignorance of which had caused me great difficulty only a short time before when I was studying a quartet by Heiden armed with these works I set out in the summer on my first journey as a musician my sister Clara who was married to the singer Wolfram had an engagement at the theater at magur Wither in characteristic fashion I set forth upon my adventure on foot my short stay with My Relations provided me with many experiences of musical life it was there that I met a new freak whose influence upon me I have never been able to forget he was a musical conductor of the name of kung line a most extraordinary person already advanced in years delicate and unfortunately given to drink this man nevertheless impressed one by something striking and vigorous in his expression his chief characteristics were an enthusiastic worship of mozark and a passionate depreciation of Weber he had read only one book gerus F and in this work there was not a page in which he had not underlined some passage and and made some remark In Praise of Mozart or in disparagement of Weber it was to this man that my brother-in-law confided the compositions which I had brought with me in order to learn his opinion of my abilities one evening as we were sitting comfortably in an inn old Kline came in and approached us with a friendly though serious manner I thought I read good news in his features but when my brother-in-law asked him what he thought of my work he answered quietly and calmly there there is not a single good note in it my brother-in-law who was accustomed to Line’s eccentricity gave a loud laugh which reassured me somewhat it was impossible to get any advice or coherent reasons for his opinion out of line he merely renewed his abuse of Weber and made some references to Mozart which nevertheless made a deep impression upon me as Line’s language was always very heated and emphatic on the other hand this visit brought me a great meure which was responsible for leading me in a very different direction from that advised by Line This was the score of baen’s great quartet in E Flat Major which had only been fairly recently published and of which my brother-in-law had a copy made for me richer in experience and in the possession of this treasure I returned to leig to the nursery of my queer musical studies but my family had now returned with my sister rosaly and I could no longer keep secret from them the fact that my connection with the school had been entirely suspended for a notice was found saying that I had not attended the school for the last 6 months as a complaint addressed by the Rector to my uncle about me had not received adequate attention the school authorities had apparently made no further attempts to exercise any supervision over me which I had indeed rendered quite impossible by abending myself altogether a fresh Council of war was held in the family to discuss what was to be done with me as I laid particular stress on my bent for music My Relations thought that I ought at any rate to learn one instrument thoroughly my brother-in-law Brock House proposed to send me to Hummel at wymer to be trained as a Pianist but as I loudly protested that by music I meant composing and not playing an instrument they gave way and decided to let me have regular lessons in Harmony from Muller the very music I from whom I had had instruction on the SCE some little while before and who had not yet been paid in return for this I promised Faithfully to go back to work conscientiously at St Nicholas’s school I soon grew tired of both I could Brook no control and this unfortunately applied to my musical instruction as well the dry study of Harmony disgusted me more and more though I continued to conceive fantasias sonatas and overtures and work them out by myself on the other hand I was spur on by ambition to show what I could do at school if I liked when the upper school boys were set the task of writing a poem I composed A Chorus in Greek on the recent war of Liberation I can well imagine that this Greek poem had about as much resemblance to a real Greek oration and poetry as the sonatas and overtures I used to compose at that time had to thoroughly professional music my attempt was scornfully rejected as a piece of impudence after that I have no further Recollections of my school my continued attendance was a pure sacrifice on my side made out of consideration for my family I did not pay the slightest attention to what was taught in the lessons but secretly occupied myself all the while with reading any book that happened to attract me as my musical instruction also did me no good I continued in my will process of self-education by copying out the scores of my beloved Masters and in so doing acquired a neat handwriting which in later years has often been admired I believe my copies of the C minor Symphony and the Ninth Symphony by bethoven are still preserved as souvenirs Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony became the mystical goal of all my strange thoughts and desires about music I was first attracted to it by the opinion prevalent among musicians not only in liik but elsewhere that this work had been written by bethoven when he was already half mad it was considered the non plus Ultra of all that was fantastic and incomprehensible and this was quite enough to Rouse in me a passionate desire to study this mysterious work at the very first glance at the score of which I obtained possession with such difficulty I felt irresistibly attracted by the long sustained pure fifths with which the first phrase opens these chords which as I related above had played such a Supernatural Part in my childish impressions of Music seemed in this case to form the spiritual keynote of my own life this I thought must surely contain the secret of all secrets and accordingly the first thing to be done was to make the score My Own by a process of laborious copying I will remember that on one occasion the sudden appearance of the Dawn made such an uncanny impression on my excited nerves that I jumped into bed with a scream as though I had seen a ghost the symphony at that time had not yet been arranged for the piano it had found so little favor that the publisher did not feel inclined to run the risk of producing it I set to work at it and actually composed a complete piano solo which I tried to play to myself I sent my work to shot the publisher of the score at MES I received in reply a letter saying that the publishers had not yet decided to issue the Ninth Symphony for the piano but that they would gladly keep my laborious work and offered me remuneration in the shape of the score of the great miss solemnness and D which I accepted with great pleasure in addition to this work I practiced the violin for some time as my Harmony Master very rightly considered that some knowledge of the Practical working of this instrument was indispensible for anyone who had the intention of composing for the orchestra my mother indeed indeed paid the violinist sip who was still playing in the leig orchestra in 1865 eight failers for a violin I do not know what became of it with which for quite 3 months I must have inflicted unutterable torture upon my mother and sister by practicing in my tiny little room I got so far as to play certain variations in fshp by maer but only reached the second or third after that I have no further Recollections of this practicing in which my family fortunately had very good reasons of their own for not encouraging me but the time now arrived when my interest in the theater again took a passionate hold upon me a new company had been formed in my birthplace under very good offices the board of management of the Court theater at Dresden had taken over the management of the leig theater for three years my sister rosley was a member of the company and through her I could always gain admittance to the performances and that which in my childhood had been merely the interest aroused by a strange Spirit of curiosity now became a more deep seated and conscious passion Julius Caesar MC Beth Hamlet the plays of Schiller into Crown all gerus F excited and stirred me deeply the Opera was giving the first performances of Marner vampire and Templar un Juden the Italian company arrived from Dresden and fascinated the leig audience by their consumate Mastery of their art even I was almost Carried Away by the enthusiasm with which the town was overwhelmed into forgetting the boyish Impressions which senior sassaroli had stamped upon my mind when another miracle which also came to us from Dresden suddenly gave a new direction to my artistic feelings and exercised a decisive influence over my whole life this consisted of a special performance given by wiling schroer deand who had that time was at the Zenith of her artistic career young beautiful and Ardent and whose like I have never again seen on the stage she made her appearance in Fidelio if I look back on my life as a whole I can find no event that produced so profound an impression upon me anyone who can remember that wonderful woman at this period of her life must to some extent have experienced the almost satanic aror which the intensely Human Art of this incomparable actress po poured into his veins after the performance I rushed to a friend’s house and wrote a short note to the singer in which I briefly told her that from that moment my life had acquired its true significance and that if in days to come she should ever hear my name praised in the world of art she must remember that she had that evening made me what I then swore it was my destiny to become this note I left at her hotel and ran out into the night as if I were mad in the year 1842 when I went to Dresden to make my debut with renzi I paid several visits to the kind-hearted singer who startled me on one occasion by repeating this letter word for word it seemed to have made an impression on her too as she had actually kept it at this point I feel myself obliged to acknowledge that the great confusion which now began to Prevail in my life and particularly in my studies was due to the inordinate effect this artistic interpretation had upon me I did not know where to turn or how to set about producing something myself which might Place me in direct contact with the impression I had received while everything that could not be brought into touch with it seemed to me so shallow and meaningless that I could not possibly trouble myself with it I should have liked to compose a work worthy of a schroer deant but as this was quite beyond my power in my headlong despair I let all Artistic Endeavors slide and as my work was also utterly insufficient to absorb absorb me I flung myself recklessly into the life of the moment in the company of strangely chosen Associates and indulged in all kinds of youthful excesses I now entered into all the dissipations of raw manhood the outward ugliness and inward emptiness of which make me Marvel to this day my intercourse with those of my own age had always been the result of pure chance I cannot remember that any special inclination or attraction determined me in the choice of my young friends while I can honestly say that I was never in a position to stand aloof out of Envy from anyone who was specially gifted I can only explain my indifference in the choice of my associates by the fact that through inexperience regarding the sort of companionship that would be of advantage to me I cared only to have someone who would accompany me in my excursions and to whom I could pour out my feelings to my heart’s content without caring what effect it might have upon him the result of this was that after a stream of confidences to which my own excitement was the only response I at length reached the point when I turned and looked at my friend to my astonishment I generally found that there was no question of response at all and as soon as I set my heart on drawing something from him in return and urged him to confide in me when he really had nothing to tell the connection usually came to an end and left no trace on my life in a certain sense my strange relationship with flot was typical of the Great great majority of my ties in afterlife consequently as no lasting personal bond of friendship ever found its way into my life it is easy to understand how Delight in the dissipations of student life could become a passion of some duration because in an individual intercourse is entirely replaced by a common circle of acquaintances in the midst of rowdism and ragging of the most foolish description I remained quite alone and it is quite possible that these frivolities form a protecting hedge round my inmost soul which needed time to grow to its natural strength and not be weakened by reaching maturity too soon my life seemed to break up in all directions I had to leave St Nicholas’s school at Easter 1830 as I was too deeply in disgrace with the staff of Masters ever to hope for any promotion in the University from that quarter it was now determined that I should study privately for 6 months and then go to St Thomas’s school where I should be in fresh surroundings and be able to work up and qualify in a short time for the University my uncle Adolf with whom I was constantly renewing my friendship and who also encouraged me about my music and exercised a good influence over me in that respect in spite of the utter degradation of my life at that time kept arousing in me an Ever fresh desire for scientific studies I took private lessons in Greek from a scholar and read Sophocles with him for a time I hoped this Noble poet would again inspire me to get a real hold on the language but the Hope was vain I had not chosen the right teacher and moreover his sitting room in which we pursued our studies looked out on a Tanyard the repulsive odor of which affected my nerves so strongly that I became thoroughly disgusted both with Sophocles and Greek my brother-in-law Brock House who wanted to put me in the way of earning some pocket money gave me the correcting of the proof sheets of a new edition he was bringing out of Becker’s Universal history revised by LEL this gave me a reason for improving by private study The Superficial General instruction on every subject which is given at school and I thus acquired the valuable knowledge which I was destined to have in later life of most of the branches of learning so uninterestingly taught in class I must not forget to mention that to a certain extent the attraction exercise Over Me by this first closer study of history was due to the fact that it brought me an 8 p a sheet and I thus found myself in one of the rarest positions in my life actually earning money yet I should be doing myself an injustice if I did not bear in mind the Vivid Impressions I now for the first time received upon turning my serious attention to those periods of history with which I had hitherto had a very superficial acquaintance all I recollect about my school days in this connection is that I was attracted by The Classical period of Greek history Marathon salamis and thermop composed the Canon of all that interested me in the subject now for the first time I made an intimate acquaintance with the Middle Ages and the French Revolution as my work in correcting dealt precisely with the two volumes which contain these two periods I remember in particular that the description of the Revolution filled me with sincere hatred for its Heroes unfamiliar amiliar as I was with the previous history of France my human sympathy was horrified by the cruelty of the men of that day and this purely human impulse remains so strong in me that I remember how even quite recently it cost me a real struggle to give any weight to the true political significance of those acts of violence how great then was my astonishment when one day the current political events of the time enabled me as it were to gain a personal experience of the sore of national upheaval with which I had come into distant contact in the course of my proof correcting the special editions of the lipid Gazette brought us the news of the July Revolution in Paris the king of France had been driven from his throne Lafayette who a moment before had seemed a myth to me was again riding through a cheering crowd in the streets of Paris the Swiss guards had once more been butchered in the tillies and a new king knew no better way of commending himself to the populace than by declaring himself the embodiment of the Republic suddenly to become conscious of living at a time in which such things took place could not fail to have a startling effect on a boy of 17 the world as a historic phenomenon began from that day in my eyes and naturally my sympathies were holy on the side of the Revolution which I regarded in the light of a heroic popular struggle crown with Victory and free from the blemish of the terrible excesses that stained the first French reevolu ution as the whole of Europe including some of the German states was soon plunged more or less violently into Rebellion I remained for some time in a feverish state of suspense and now first turned my attention to the causes of these upheavals which I regarded as struggles of the young and hopeful against the old and neit portion of mankind Saxony also did not remain inscathed and dressed in it came to actual fighting in the streets which immediately produced produced a political change in the shape of the Proclamation of the Regency of the Future King Frederick in the granting of a constitution this event filled me with such enthusiasm that I composed a political Overture the Prelude of which depicted dark oppression in the midst of which a strain was at last heard under which to make my meaning clearer I wrote the words Friedrich Endy frile this strain was intended to develop gradually and majestically into the fullest triumph which I hope shortly to to see successfully performed at one of the lipid Garden concerts however before I was able to develop my political musical conceptions further disorders broke out in lipsig itself which summoned me from the precincts of art to take a direct share in National Life National Life in leig at this time meant nothing more than antagonism between the students and the police the latter being the Archen enemy upon whom the youthful love of Liberty vented itself some students had been arrested in a street broil who were now to be rescued the undergraduates who had been Restless for some days assembled one evening in the marketplace and the clubs mustered together and made a ring round their leaders the whole proceeding was marked by a certain measured solity which impressed me deeply they sang Godus iditor formed up into colum and picking up from the crowd any young men who sympathized with them marched Gravely in resolutely from the marketplace to the university buildings to open the cells and set free the students who had been arrested my heart beat fast as I marched with them to this taking of the bastile but things did not turn out as we expected for in the courtyard of the pum the solemn procession was stopped by Rector Kruk who had come down to meet it with his grayhead beard his assurance that the captives had already been released and his request was greeted with a thundering cheer and the matter seemed at an end but the tense expectation of a revolution had grown too great not to demand some sacrifice a summon was suddenly spread calling us to a notorious alley in order to exercise popular Justice Upon A hated magistrate who it was rumored had unlawfully taken under his protection a certain house of ill Fame in that quarter when I reached the spot with the tail end of the crowd I found the house had been broken into and all sorts of violence had been committed I recall with horror the intoxicating effect this unreasoning Fury had upon me and cannot deny that without the slightest personal provocation I shared like one possessed in the Frantic onslaught of the undergraduates who madly shattered furniture and Crockery to bits I do not believe that the ostensible motive for this outrage which it is true was to be found in a fact that was a grave menace to public morality had any weight with me whatever I’m the contrary it was the purely devilish Fury of these popular outbursts that Drew me to like a madman into their Vortex the fact that such fits of Fury are not quick to Abate but in accordance with certain natural laws reached their proper conclusion only after they have degenerated into frenzy I was to learn in my own person scarcely did the summons ring out for us to march to another Resort of the same kind and I too found myself in the tide which set towards the opposite opposite end of the town there the same exploits were repeated and the most ludicrous outrages perpetrated I cannot remember that the enjoyment of alcoholic drinks contributed to the intoxication of myself and my immediate fellows I only know that I finally got into the state that usually succeeds a debauch and upon waking next morning as if from a hideous nightmare had to convince myself that I had really taken part in the events of the previous Night by a trophy I possessed in the shape of a tattered red curtain which I had brought home as a token of my prowess the thought that people generally and my own family in particular were want to put a lenient construction upon youthful escapades was a great comfort to me outbursts of this kind on the part of the young were regarded as righteous indignation against really serious scandals and there was no need for me to be afraid of owning up to having taken part in such excesses the dangerous example however which had been set by the undergraduates and cited the lower classes and the mob to similar excesses on the following nights against employers and any who were obnoxious to them the matter at once assumed a more serious complexion property was threatened and a conflict between rich and poor stood grinning at our doors as there were no soldiers in the town and the police were thoroughly disorganized the students were called in as a protection against the lower orders an undergraduates hour of Glory now began such as I could only have thirsted for in my school boy dreams the student became the tutel or deity of lipic called on by the authorities to arm and band together in defense of property and the same young man who two days before had yielded to a rage for Destruction now mustered in the University Courtyard the prescribed names of the students clubs and unions were shouted by the mouths of town counselors and chief constables and order to summon curiously equipped undergraduates who thereupon in simple medieval array of War scattered throughout the town occupied the guard rooms at the gates provided Sentinels for the grounds of various wealthy merchants and as occasion demanded took places which seemed threatened more especially in under their permanent protection though unluckily I was not yet a member of their body I anticipated the Delights of academic citizenship by half imp half obsequious solicitation of the leaders of the students whom I honored most I had the Good Fortune to recommend myself particularly to these of the walk as they were styled on account of my relationship to Brock House in whose grounds the main body of these Champions were encamped for some time my brother-in-law was among those who had been seriously threatened and it was only owing to really great presence of mind and assurance that he succeeded in Saving his printing works and especially his steam presses which were the chief object of attack from destruction to protect his property against further assault detachments of students were told off to his grounds as well the excellent entertainment which the generous Master of the House offered his jovial Guardians and his Pleasant summerhouse enticed The Pick of the students to him my brother-in-law was for several weeks guarded day and night against possible attacks by the populace and on this occasion as the mediator of a flowing Hospitality I celebrated among the most famous Bloods of the university the true saturnalia of my scholarly ambition for a still longer period the guarding of the gates was entrusted to the students the unheard of Splendor which accordingly became associated with this post Drew fresh aspirants to the spot from far and near everyday huge chartered Vehicles discharged at the Halle gate whole bands of the boldest sons of learning from hi Jenna gonen and the remotest regions they got down close to the guards at the gate and for several weeks never set foot in an inn or any other dwelling they lived at the expense of the council Drew vouchers on the police for food and drink and knew but one care that the possibility of a general quieting of men’s Minds would make their opportune guardianship Superfluous I never missed a day on guard or a night either alas trying to impress on my family the urgent need for my personal endurance of course the quieter and really studious Spirits Among Us soon resign these duties and only the flower of the flock of undergraduates remained so staunch that it became difficult for the authorities to relieve them of their task I held out to the very last and succeeded in making most astonishing friends for my age many of the most audacious remained in leipsig even when there was no guard duty to fulfill and ped the place for some time with champions of an extraordinarily desperate and dissipated type who had been repeatedly sent down from various universities for rowdism or debt and who now thanks to the exceptional circumstances of the day found a refuge in lipic where at first they had been received with open arms by the general enthusiasm of their comrades in the presence of all these phenomena I felt as if I were surrounded by the results of an earthquake which had upset the usual Order of Things my brother-in-law friederick Brock House who could justly taunt the former authorities of the place with their inability to maintain peace and order was carried away by the current of a formidable movement of opposition he made a daring speech at the Guild Hall before their worships the Town Council which brought him popularity and he was appointed second in command of the newly constituted leipsig Municipal guard this body at length ousted my adored students from the guard room rooms of the Town Gates and we no longer had the right of stopping Travelers and inspecting their passes on the other hand I flattered myself that I might regard my new position as a boy citizen as equivalent to that of the French national guard and my brother-in-law Brock house as a Saxon Lafayette which at all events succeeded in Furnishing my soaring excitement with a healthy stimulant I now began to read the papers and cultivate politics enthus I asically however the social intercourse of the Civic world did not attract me sufficiently to make me false to my beloved academic Associates I followed them Faithfully from the guard rooms to the ordinary bars where their Splendor as men of the literary world now sought retirement my chief ambition was to become one of them as soon as possible this however could only be accomplished by being again entered at a Grammar School St Thomas’s whose Headmaster was a feeble old man was the place where my wishes could be most speedily attained I joined the school in the Autumn of 1830 simply with the intention of qualifying myself for the leaving examination by merely nominal attendance there the chief thing in connection with it was that I and Friends of the same bent succeeded in establishing a sham Students Association called the freshman’s club it was formed with all possible pedantry the institution of the Comet was introduced fencing practice and sword bouts were held in an inaugural meeting to which several prominent students were invited and at which I presided as Vice in white buck skin trousers and great Jack Boots gave me a foretaste of the Delights awaiting me as a full-blown son of the muses the masters of St Thomas’s however were not quite so ready to fall in with my aspirations to student ship at the end of the half year they were of the opinion that I had not given a thought to their institution and nothing could persuade them that I had earned a title to academic citizenship by any acquisition of knowledge some sort of decision was necessary so I accordingly informed my family that I had made up my mind not to study for a profession at the University but to become a musician there was nothing to prevent me matriculating as studios’s musai and without therefore troubling myself about the pedantries of the authorities at St Thomas’s I defiantly quitted that seat of learning from which I had derived small profit and presented myself forth with to the director of the University whose acquaintance I had made on the evening of the riot to be enrolled as a student of Music this was accordingly done without further Ado on the payment of the usual fees I was in a great hurry about it for in a week the Easter vacation would begin and the men would go down from lii when it would be impossible to be elected member of a club until the vacation was over and to stay all those weeks at home in leig without having the right to where the coveted colors seemed to me unendurable torture straight from the rector’s presence I ran like a wounded animal to the fencing school to present myself for admission to the Saxon Club showing my card of matriculation I attained my object I could wear the colors of the saxonia which was in the fashion at that time and in great request because it numbered so many delightful members in its ranks the strangest fate was to befall me in this Easter vacation during which I was really the only remaining representative of the Saxon Club in lipick in the beginning this club consisted chiefly of men of good family as well as the better class elements of the student world all of them were members of Highly placed and well-to-do families in Saxony in general and in particular from the capital Dresden and spent their vacation at their respective homes they remained in lipi during the vacations only those wandering students who had no homes and for whom in reality it was always or never holiday time among those a separate Club had Arisen of Daring and desperate young reprobates who had found the last Refuge as I said at leig in the Glorious period I have recorded I had already made the personal acquaintance of these swashbucklers who pleased my fancy greatly when they were guarding the Brock House grounds although the regular duration of a university course did not exceed 3 years most of these men had never left their universities for six or 7 years I was particularly fascinated by a man called gibart who was endowed with extraordinary physical Beauty and strength and whose slim heroic Figure towered Head and Shoulders above all his companions when he walked down the street arm and arm with two of the strongest of his comrades he used suddenly to take it into his head by an easy movement of his arm to lift his friends high in the air and flutter along in this way as though he had a pair of human Wings when a cab was going along the streets at a sharp Trot he would seize a spoke of the wheel with one hand and force it to pull up nobody ever told him that he was stupid because they were afraid of his strength hence his limitations were scarcely noticed his redoutable strength combined with a temperate disposition lend him a majestic dignity which placed him above the level of an ordinary mortal he had come to leig from mecklinburg in the company of a certain deelo who was as powerful and a Droid though by no means of such gigantic proportions as his friend and whose Chief attraction lay in his great vivacity and animated features he had led a wild and dissipated life in which play drink passionate love affairs and constant and prompt dueling had wrung the changes ceremonious politeness and ironic and pedantic coldness which testified to bold self-confidence combined with a very hot temper formed the chief characteristics of this personage and Nature’s akin to his deo’s wildness and passion were lent a curious diabolical charm by the possession of a malicious humor which he often turned against himself whereas towards others he exercised a certain chivalrous tenderness these two extraordinary men were joined by others who possessed all the qualities essential to a reckless life together with real and headstrong Valor one of them named Stelzer or regular Berserker out of the niban lead who was nicknamed lope was in his 20th term while these men openly Inc consciously belonged to a world doomed to destruction and all their actions and escapades could only be explained by the hypothesis that they all believe that inevitable ruin was imminent I made in their company the acquaintance of a certain schroer who particularly attracted me by his cordial disposition Pleasant hanovarian accent and refined wit he was not one of the regular young Daredevils towards whom he adopted a calm observant attitude while they were all fond of him and glad to see him I made a real friend of this schroer although he was much older than I was through him I became acquainted with the works and poems of H Hina and from him I acquired a certain neat and Saucy wit and I was quite quite ready to surrender myself to his agreeable influence in the hope of improving my outward bearing it was his company in particular that I saw every day in the afternoon I generally met him in the Rosenthal or kimchi Chalet though always in the presence of those wonderful Goths who excited at once my alarm and admiration they all belonged to University clubs which were on hostile terms with the one of which I was a member what this hostility between the various clubs meant only those can judge who were familiar with the tone prevalent among them in those days the mere sight of hostile colors sufficed to infuriate these men who otherwise were kind and gentle provided they had taken the slightest drop too much at all events as long as the old stagers were sober they would look with good-natured complacency at a slight young fellow like me in the Hostile colors moving among them so amicably those colors I wore in my own peculiar fashion I had made use of the brief week during which my club was still in leig to become the possessor of a splendid Saxon cap richly embroidered with silver and worn by a man called Mueller who was afterwards a prominent Constable at Dresden I had been seized with such a violent craving for this cap that I managed to buy it from him as he wanted money to go home in spite of this remarkable cap I was as I have said welcome in the den of this band of rowdies my friend schroer saw to that it was only when the gro which was the principal beverage of these wild Spirits began to work that I used to notice curious glances and overhear doubtful speeches the significance of which was for some time hidden from me by the dizziness in which my own senses were plunged by this painful drink as I was inevitably bound on this account to be mixed up in corals for some time to come it afforded me a great satisfaction that my first fight as a matter of fact arose from an incident more creditable to me than those provocations which I had left half unnoticed one day Dello came up to schroer and me in a wine bar that we often frequented and in quite a friendly manner confessed to us confidentially his liking for a young and very pretty actress whose Talent schroer disputed Dello rejoined that this was as it might be but that for his part he regarded the young lady as the most respectable woman in the theater I at once asked him if he considered my sister’s reputation was not as good according to students Notions it was impossible for Dello who doubtless had not the remotest intention of being insulting to give me any Assurance further than to say that he certainly did not think my sister had an inferior reputation but that nevertheless he meant to abide by his assertion concerning the young lady he had mentioned hereupon followed without delay the usual challenge opening with the word you’re an ass which sounded almost ridiculous to my own ears when I said them to this season swashbuckler I remember that to gello too gasped with astonishment and lightning seemed to flash from his eyes but he controlled himself in the presence of my friend and proceeded to observe the usual formalities of a challenge and chose broadswords crumb Sable as the weapons for the fight the event made a great stir among our companions but I saw less reason than before to to abstain from my usual intercourse with them only I became more strict about the behavior of the swashbucklers and for several days no evening passed without producing a challenge between me and some formidable bully until at last count SS the only member of my club who had returned to leipsig as yet visited me as though he were an intimate friend and inquired into what had occurred he applauded my conduct but advised me not to wear my colors until the return of our comrades from the vacation and to keep away from the Bad Company into which I had ventured fortunately I had not long to wait University life soon began again and the fencing ground was filled the inundable position in which in student phrase I was suspended with a half dozen of the most terrible Swordsmen earn me a glorious reputation among the freshman and juniors and even among the older champions of the saxonia my seconds were du arranged the dates for the various duels on hand settled and by the care of my seniors the needful time was secured for me to acquire some sort of skill and fencing the lighe heart with which I awaited the Fate which threatened me in at least one of the impending encounters I myself could not understand at the time on the other hand the way in which that fate preserved me from the consequences of my rashness seems truly miraculous in my eyes to this day and worthy of further description the preparations for a duel included obtaining some experience of these encounters by being present at Several of them we freshman attained this object by what is called carrying Duty that is to say we were entrusted with the rapers of the core precious weapons of Honor belonging to the association and had to take them first to the grinder and then to the scene of encounter a proceeding which was attended with some danger as it had to be done surreptitiously since dueling was forbidden by law in return We acquired the right of assisting as spectators at the impending engagements when I had earned this honor the meeting place chosen for the duel I was to watch was the billiard room of an in in the burg stress the table had been moved to one side and on it the authorized Spectators took their places among them I stood up with a beating heart to watch the dangerous encounters between those Dy Champions I was told on this occasion of the story of one of my friends a junor named Levy but known as liard who on this very floor had given so much ground before his antagonist that the door had to be open for him and he fell back through it down the steps into the street still believing he was engaged in the duel when several bouts had been finished two men came onto the pitch Temple the president of the maraman and a certain wolfart an old Stager already in his 14th half year of study with whom I also was booked for an encounter later on when this was the case a man was not allowed to watch in order that the weak points of the Duelist might not be betrayed to his future opponent wolfart was accordingly asked by my Chiefs whether he wanted me removed whereupon he replied with calm contempt let them leave the little freshman there in God’s name thus I became an eyewitness of the disablement of a swordsman who nevertheless showed himself so experienced and skillful on the occasion that I might well have become alarmed for the issue of my future encounter with him his gigantic opponent cut the artery of his right arm which at once ended the fight the surgeon declared that wolfart would not be able to hold a sword again for years under which circumstances my proposed meeting with him was at once cancelled I do not deny that this incident cheered my soul shortly afterwards the first general reunion of our club was held at the green tap these gatherings are regular hot beds for the production of duels here I brought upon myself a new encounter with one tisher but learned at the same time that I had been relieved of two of my most formidable previous engagements of the kind by The Disappearance of my opponents both of whom had escaped on account of debt and left no Trace behind them the only one of whom I could hear anything was the terrible stalzer surnamed lope this fellow had taken advantage of the passing of Polish refugees who had at that time already been driven over the frontier and were making their way through Germany to France to disguise himself as an ill-starred champion of freedom and he subsequently found his way to the Foreign Legion in Algeria on the way home from the Gathering de gello whom I was to meet in a few weeks proposed a truce this was a device which if it was accepted as it was in this case enabled the future combatants to entertain and talk to one another which was otherwise most strictly forbidden we wandered back to the town arm in-arm with chivalrous tenderness my interesting and formidable opponent declared that he was delighted at the prospect of crossing swords with me in a few weeks time that he regarded it as an honor and a pleasure as he was fond of me and respected me for my valorous conduct seldom has any personal success flattered me more we embraced and amid protestations which owing to a certain dignity about them acquired a significance I can never forget we parted he informed me that he must first pay a visit to Jenna where he had an appointment to fight a duel a week later the news of his death reached lipic he had been mortally wounded in The Duel at Jenna I felt as if I were Living in a Dream out of which I was aroused by the announcement of my encounter with tisher though he was a first rate and vigorous fighter he had been chosen by our Chiefs for my first passage of arms because he was fairly short in spite of being unable to feel any great confidence in my hastily Acquired and little practiced skill and fencing I looked forward to this my first duel with a li heart although it was against the rules I never dreamed of telling the authorities that I was suffering from a slight rash which I had caught at that time in which I was informed made wounds so dangerous that if it were reported it would postpone the meeting in spite of the fact that I was modest enough to be prepared prep for wounds I was sent for at 10:00 in the morning and left home smiling to think what my mother and sisters would say if in a few hours I were brought back in the alarming State I anticipated my chief hery shanfeld was a pleasant quiet sort of man who lived on the marsh when I reached his house he lent out of the window with his pipe in his mouth and greeted me with the words you can go home my lad it is all off Tish is in hospital when I got upstairs I found several Leading Men assembled from whom I learned that tisher had got very drunk the night before and had in consequence laid himself open to the most outrageous treatment by the inhabitants of a house of ill- Fame he was terribly hurt and had been taken by the police in the first instance to the hospital this inevitably meant rustication and above all expulsion from the academic Association to which he beled I cannot clearly recall the incidents that removed from leig the few remaining fire eaters to whom I had pledged myself since that fail vacation time I only know that this Aid of my fame as a student yielded to another we celebrated the freshman’s Gathering to which all those who could manage it drove a foreign hand in a long procession through the town after the president of the club had profoundly moved me with his sudden and yet prolonged solity I conceived the desire to be among the very last to return home from the outing accordingly I stayed away 3 days and three nights and spent the time chiefly in gambling a Pastime which from the first night of our festivity cast its devilish snares around me some half dozen of the smartest club members chaned to be together at early Dawn in the Jolly peasant and forth with formed the nucleus of a gambling club which was reinforced during the day by recruits coming back from the Town members came to see whether we were still at it members also went away but I with the original six held out for days and nights without faltering the desire that first prompted me to take part in the play was the wish to win enough for my score two failers this I succeeded in doing and thereupon I was inspired with the hope of being able to settle all the debts I had made at that time by my winnings at Play Just as I had hoped to learn composition most quickly by L’s method but had found myself hampering in my object for a long period by unexpected difficulties so my plan for speedily improving my financial position was likewise doomed to disappointment to win was not such an easy matter and for some 3 months I was such a victim to the rage for gambling that no other passion was able to exercise the slightest influence over my mind neither the fbot where the students fights were practiced nor the bear house nor the actual scene of the fights ever saw my f face again in my lamentable position I racked my brains all day to devise Ways and Means of getting the money wherewith to gamble at night in vain did my poor mother try everything in her power to induce me not to come home so late at night although she had no idea of the real nature of my debauches after I had left the house in the afternoon I never returned till Dawn the next day and I reached my room which was at some distance from the others by climbing over the gate for my mother had refused to give me a latch key in despair over my ill loock my passion for gambling grew into a veritable Mania and I no longer felt any inclination for those things which at one time had lured me to student life I became absolutely indifferent to the opinion of my former Companions and avoided them entirely I now lost myself in the smaller gambling dens of lipick were only the very scum of the students congregated insensible to any Fe feeling of self-respect I bore even the contempt of my sister Rosalie both she and my mother hardly ever ding to cast a glance at the Young libertine whom they only saw at rare intervals looking deadly pale and worn out my ever growing despair made me at Last Resort to full hardiness as the only means of forcing hostile fate to my side it suddenly struck me that only by Dent of big Stakes could I make big profits to this end I decided to make use of my mother’s pension of which I was Trustee of a fairly large sum that night I lost everything I had with me except one failure the excitement with which I stake that last coin on a card was an experience hither to quite strange to my young life as I had had nothing to eat I was obliged repeatedly to leave the gambling table owing to sickness with this last failor I staked my life for my return to my home was of course out of the question already I saw myself myself in the gray Dawn a prodigal Sun fleeing from all I held dear through forest and field towards the unknown my mood of Despair had gained so strong a hold upon me that when my card won I immediately placed all the money on a fresh stake and repeated this experiment until I had won quite a considerable amount from that moment my luck grew continuously I gained such confidence that I risked the most hazardous Stakes for suddenly it dawned upon me that this was destined to be my last day with the cards my good fortune now became so obvious that the bank thought it wise to close not only had I won back all the money I had lost but I had won enough to pay off all my debts as well my Sensations during the whole of this process were of the most sacred nature I felt as if God and His angels were standing by my side and were Whispering words of warning and of consolation into my ears once more I climbed over the gate of my home in the early hours of the morning this time to sleep peacefully and soundly and to awake very late strengthened and as though born again no sense of Shame deterred me from telling my mother to whom I presented her money the whole truth about this decisive night I voluntarily confessed my sin in having utilized her pension sparing no detail she folded her hands and thanked God for his mercy and forth with regarded me as saved believing it impossible possible for me ever to commit such a crime again and Truth to tell gambling had lost all Fascination for me from that moment the world in which I had moved like one demented suddenly seemed stripped of all interest or attraction my rage for gambling had already made me quite indifferent to the usual students vanities and when I was freed from this passion also I suddenly found myself face to face with an entirely new world to this world I belonged henceforth it was the world of real and serious musical study to which I now devoted myself heart and soul even during this wild period of my life my musical development had not been entirely at a standstill on the contrary it daily became plainer that music was the only direction towards which my mental Tendencies had a marked bent only I had got quite out of the habit of musical study even now it seems incredible that I managed to find time in those days to to finish quite a substantial amount of composition I have but the faintest recollection of an overture in C major 68 time and of a Sonata and be flat major arranged as a duet the latter pleased my sister Odie who played it with me so much that I arranged it for orchestra but another work of this period an overture in be flat major left an indelible impression on my mind on account of an incident connected with it this composition in fact was the outcome of my study of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony in about the same degree as luel endi Adelaide was the result of my study of Shakespeare I had made a special point of bringing out the Mystic meaning in the orchestra which I divided into three distinctly different and opposite elements I wanted to make the characteristic nature of these elements clear to the score reader the moment he looked at it by a striking display of color and only the fact that I could not get any green ink made this picturesque idea impossible I employed black ink for the brass instruments alone the strings were have red and the wind green Inc this extraordinary score I gave for perusal to Heinrich Dorne who was at that time musical director of the lipic theater he was very young and impressed me as being a very clever musician and a witty man of the world whom the lipid public made much of nevertheless I have never been able to understand how he could have granted my request to produce this Overture sometime afterwards I was rather inclined to believe with others who knew how much he enjoyed a good joke that he intended to treat himself to a little fun at the time however he vowed that he thought the work interesting and maintain that if it were only brought out as a hitherto unknown work by bethoven the public would receive it with respect though without understanding it was the Christmas of the Fateful year 1830 as usual there would be no performance at the theater on Christmas Eve but instead a concert for the poor had been organized which received but scant support the first item on the program was called by the exciting title new Overture nothing more I had surreptitiously listened to the rehearsal with some misgiving I was very much impressed by the coolness with which Dorne fenced with the apparent confusion which the members of the orchestra showed with regard to this mysterious composition the principal theme of the allegro was contained in four bars after every fourth bar however a fifth bar had been inserted which had nothing to do with the melody and which was announced by a loud bang on the kettle drum on the second beat as this drum beat stood out alone the drummer who continually thought he was making a mistake got confused and did not give the right sharpness to the accent as prescribed by the score listening from my hidden corner and frightened at my original intention this accidentally different rendering did not displease me to my genuine annoyance however Doran called the drummer to the front and insisted on his playing the accents with the prescribed sharpness when after the rehearsal I told the musical director of my misgivings about this important fact I could not get him to promise a milder interpretation of the Fatal drum beat he stuck to it that the thing would sound very well as it was in spite of this assurance my restlessness grew and I had not the courage to introduce myself to my friends in advance as the author of the new Overture my sister Ellie who had already been forced to survive the secret readings of lbl endi Adelaide was the only person willing to come with me to hear my work it was Christmas Eve and there was to be the usual Christmas tree presents Etc at my brother-in-law’s friederick Brock House and both of us naturally wanted to be there my sister in particular who lived there had a good deal to do with the arrangements and could only get away for a short while and that with great difficulty our amiable relation accordingly had the carriage ready for her so that she might get back more quickly I made use of this opportunity to inaugurate as it were my entree into the musical world in a festive manner The Carriage Drew up in front of the theater Odie went into my brother-in-law’s box which forced me to try and find a seat in the pit I had forgotten to buy a ticket and was refused admission by the man at the door suddenly the tuning up of the orchestra grew louder and louder and I thought I should have to miss the beginning of my work in my anxiety I revealed myself to the man at the door as the composer of the new Overture and in this way succeeded in passing without a ticket I pushed my way through to one of the first rows of the pit and sat down in terrible anxiety the Overture began after the theme of the black brass instruments had made itself heard with great emphasis the red Allegro theme started in which as I have already mentioned every fifth bar was interrupted by the drum beat from the Black World what kind of affect the green theme of the wind instruments which joined in afterwards produced upon the listeners and what they must have thought when black red and green themes became intermingled has always remained a mystery to me for the failed drum beat brutally hammered out entirely deprived me of my senses especially as this prolonged and continually recurring effect now began to Rouse not only the attention but the marment of the audience I heard my neighbors calculating the return of this effect knowing the absolute correctness of their calculation I suffered 10,000 torments and became almost unconscious At Last I awoke from my nightmare when the Overture to which I had disdained to give what I considered a trite ending came to a standstill most unexpectedly no Phantoms like those in Hoffman’s Tales could have succeeded in producing the extraordinary state in which I came to my senses on noticing the astonishment of the audience at the end of the performance I heard no exclamations of disapproval no hissing no remarks not even laughter all I saw was intense astonishment at such a strange occurrence which impressed them as it did me like a horrible nightmare the worst moment however came when I had to leave the pit and take my sister home to get up and pass through the people in the pit was horrible indeed nothing however equaled the pain of coming face to face with the man at the door the strange look he gave me haunted me ever afterwards and for a considerable time I avoided the pit of the lip theater my next step was to find my sister who had gone through the whole sad experience with infinite pity in silence we drove home to be present at a brilliant family festivity which contrasted with grim irony with the Gloom of my bewilderment in spite of it all I tried to believe in myself and thought I could find comfort in my Overture to the brought Von mesina which I believed to be a better work than the Fatal one I had just heard a reinstatement however was out of the question for the directors of the leig theater regarded me for a long time as a very doubtful person in spite of Dorn’s friendship it is true that I still tried my hand at sketching out compositions to geris fa some of which have been preserved to this day but soon my wild students life resumed its Sway and drowned The Last Remnant of serious musical study in me I now began to imagine that because I had become a student I ought to attend the University lectures from troit crew who is well known to me on account of his having suppressed the student Revolt I tried to learn the first principles of philosophy a single lesson sufficed to make me give this up two or three times however I attended the lectures on Aesthetics given by one of the younger professors a man called Weiss this perseverance was due to the interest which Weiss immediately aroused in me when I made his acquaintance at my uncle adolf’s house Weiss had just trained translated the metaphysics of Aristotle and if I am not mistaken dedicated them in a controversial Spirit to Hegel on this occasion I had listened to the conversation of these two men on philosophy and philosophers which made a tremendous impression on me I remember that Weiss was an absent-minded man with a hasty and abrupt manner of speaking he had an interesting imp pensive expression which impressed me immensely I recollect how on being accused of want of clearness in his writing and style he justified himself by saying that the Deep problems of the human mind could not in any case be solved by the mob this Maxim which struck me as being very plausible I at once accepted as the principle for all my future writing I remember that my eldest brother Albert to whom I once had to write for my mother grew so disgusted with my letter in style that he said he thought I must be going mad in spite of my hopes that why ‘s lectures would do me much good I was not capable of continuing to attend them as my desires in those days drove me to anything but the study of Aesthetics nevertheless my mother’s anxiety at this time on my behalf made me try to take up music again as meller the teacher under whom I had studied till that time had not been able to inspire me with a permanent love of study it was necessary to discover whether another teacher might not be better able to induce me to do serious work Theodore wnich who was choir master and musical director at St Thomas’s Church held at that time this important and ancient post which was afterwards occupied by shik and before him by no less a person than Sebastian Bach by education he belonged to the old Italian School of Music and had studied in bolognia under Peter Martini he had made a name for himself in this art by his vocal compositions in which his f manner of treating the parts was much praised he himself told me one day that a lipid publisher had offered him a very substantial fee if he would write for his firm another book of vocal exercises similar to the one which had proved so profitable to his first publisher wein Lich told him that he had not got any exercises of the kind ready at the moment but offered him instead a new Mass which the publisher refused with the words let him who got the meat gnaw the bones the modesty with which weinel told me this little story showed how excellent a man he was as he was in a very bad and weak state of health when my mother introduced me to him he at first refused to take me as a pupil but after having resisted all Persuasions he at last took pity on my musical education which as he soon discovered from a fug which I had brought with me was exceedingly faulty he accordingly promised to teach me on condition that I should give up all attempts at composing for 6 months and follow his instructions implicitly to the first part of my promise I remained faithful thanks to the vast Vortex of dissipation into which My Life as a student had drawn me when however I had to occupy myself for any length of time with nothing but forart Harmony exercises and strictly rigorous style it was not only the student in me but also the composer of so many overtures and sonatas that was thoroughly disgusted weich too had his grievances against me and decided to give me up during this period I came to the crisis of my life which led to the catastrophe of that terrible evening at the gambling Den but an even greater blow than this fearful experience awaited me when weich decided not to have anything more to do with me deeply humiliated and miserable I besought the gentle old man whom I loved dearly to forgive me and I promised him from that moment to work with unflagging energy one morning at 7 o’ win sent for me to begin the rough sketch for a Fugue he devoted the whole morning to me following my work bar by bar with the greatest attention and giving me his valuable advice at 12:00 he dismissed me with the instruction to perfect and finish the sketch by filling in the remaining parts at home when I brought him the Fugue finished he handed me his own treat of the same theme for comparison this common task of fug writing established between me and my goodn teacher the tenderest of ties for from that moment we both enjoyed the lessons I was astonished how quickly the time flew in 8 weeks I had not only gone through a number of the most intricate fugues but had also waited through all kinds of difficult evolutions and Counterpoint when one day on bringing him an extremely elaborate double fud he took my breath away by telling me that after this there was nothing left for him to teach me as I was not aware of any great effort on my part I often wondered whether I had really become a well equipped musician weinel himself did not seem to attach much importance to what he had taught me he said probably you will never write fugues or cannons but what you have mastered is Independence you can now stand alone and rely upon having a fine technique at your fingers ends if you should want it the principal result of his influence over me was certainly the growing love of clearness and fluency to which he had trained me I had already had to write the above mentioned Fugue for ordinary voices my feeling for the melodious and vocal had in this way been awakened in order to keep me strictly under his calming and friendly influence he had at the same time given me a Sonata to write which as a proof of my friendship for him I had to build up on strictly harmonic and thematic lines for which he recommended me a very early and childlike Sonata by play as a model those who had only recently heard my Overture must indeed have wondered how I ever wrote this Sonata which has been published through the indiscretion of messers bright cough and harell to reward me for my abstemiousness wnich induced them to publish this poor composition from that moment he gave me a free hand to begin with I was owed to compose a Fantasia for the piano fort in fshp minor which I wrote in a quite informal style by treating the melody and retive form this gave me intense satisfaction because it won me praise from wnich soon afterwards I wrote three overtures which all met with his entire approval in the following winter 1831 to 1832 I succeeded in getting the first of them in D Minor performed at one of the Goan house concerts at that time a very simple and homely tone reigned Supreme in this institution the instrumental Works were not conducted by what we call a conductor of the orchestra but were simply played to the Audience by the leader of the orchestra as soon as the singing began pollins took his place at the conductor’s desk he belonged to the type of fat and pleasant musical directors and was a great favorite with the leig public he used to come on the platform with a very important look blue baton in his hand one of the strangest events which occurred at that time was the yearly production of the Ninth Symphony of bethoven after the first three movements had been played straight through like a hideen symphony as well as the orchestra could manage it pollins instead of having to conduct a vocal quartet a Canada or an Italian Arya took his place at the desk to undertake this highly complicated instrumental work with its particularly enigmatical and incoherent opening one of the most difficult tasks that could possibly be found for a musical conductor I shall never forget the impression produced upon me at the first rehearsal by the anxiously and carefully played March 4th time and the way in which the wild shrieks of the trumpet with which this movement begins resulted in the most extraordinary confusion of sound he had evidently chosen this Tempo in order in some way to manage the resed of the double bases but it was utterly hopeless pollins was in a bath of perspiration the resed did not come off and I really began to think that bethoven must have written nonsense the double bass player tler a faithful veteran of the orchestra prevailed upon pollins at last in rather coarse and energetic language to put down the Baton and in this way the retive really proceeded properly all the same I felt at this time that I had come to the humble conclusion in a way I can hardly explain that this extraordinary work was still beyond my comprehension for a long time I gave up brooding over this composition and I turned my thoughts with simple longing towards a clearer and calmer musical form my study of CounterPoint had taught me to appreciate above all Mozart’s light and flowing treatment of the most difficult technical problems and the last movement of his great Symphony in C major in particular served me as EX example for my own work my D Minor Overture which clearly showed the influence of Beethoven’s Coral lanus Overture had been favorably received by the public my mother began to have faith in me again and I started at once on a second overture in C major which really ended with a fugato that did more credit to my new model than I had ever hoped to accomplish this Overture also was soon afterwards performed at a recital given by the favorite singer ml palisi of the Dresden Italian opera before this I had already introduced it at a concert given by a private musical society called uy when I had conducted it myself I remember the strange impression I received from a remark that my mother made on that occasion as a matter of fact this work which was written in a Counterpoint style without any real passion or emotion had produced a strange effect upon her she gave vent to her astonishment by warm praising the Edgmont Overture which was played at the same concert maintaining that this kind of music was after all more fascinating than any stupid Fugue at this time I also wrote as my third Opus and Overture to Rao’s drama kig enzio in which again Beethoven’s influence made itself even more strongly felt my sister rosaly succeeded in getting it performed at the theater before the play for the sake of prudence they did not announce it on the pro program the first time Dorne conducted it and as the performance went off all right and the public showed no dissatisfaction my Overture was played with my full name on the program several times during the run of the above mentioned drama after this I tried my hand at a big Symphony in C major in this work I showed what I had learned by using the influence of my study of bethoven and Mozart towards the achievement of a really Pleasant and intelligible work in which the feud was again present at the end while the themes of the various movements were so constructed that they could be played consecutively nevertheless the passionate and bold element of the synon heroa was distinctly discernable especially in the first movement the slow movement on the contrary contained reminiscences of my former musical mysticism a kind of repeated interrogative exclamation of the minor third merging into the fifth connected in my mind this work which I had finished with the utmost effort at clearness with my very earliest period of boyish sentimentality when in the following year I called on friederick rochlitz at that time the Nestor of the musical esthetes in lipik and president of the Goan house I prevailed upon him to promise me a performance of my work as he had been given my score for perusal before seeing me he was quite astonished to find that I was a very young man for the character of my music had prepared him to a much older and more experienced musician before this performance took place many things happened which I must first mention as they were of great importance to my life my short and stormy career as a student had drowned in me not only all longing for further development but also all interest in intellectual and spiritual Pursuits although as I have pointed out I had never alienated myself entirely from music my revived interest in politics roused my first real disgust for my senseless students life which soon left no deeper traces on my mind than the remembrance of a terrible nightmare the Polish War of Independence against Russian Supremacy filled me with growing enthusiasm the victories which the polls obtained for a short period during May 1831 aroused my enthusiastic admiration it seemed to me as though the world had by some miracle been created a new as a cont to this the news of the battle of austral Lenka made it appear as if the end of the world had come to my astonishment my Boon companions scoffed at me when I commented upon some of these events the terrible lack of all fellow feeling and comradeship amongst the students struck me very forcibly any kind of enthusiasm had to be smothered or turned into pedantic bravado which showed itself in the form of affectation and indifference to get drunk with deliberate cold blooded without even a glimpse of humor was reckoned almost as Brave a feat as dueling not until much later did I understand the far nobler Spirit which animated the lower classes in Germany in comparison with the sadly degenerate state of the University students in those days I felt terribly indignant at the insulting remarks which I brought upon myself when I deplored the Battle of austral Lenka to my honor be it said that these and similar Impressions helped to make make me give up my low Associates during my studies with linich the only little dissipation I allowed myself was my daily evening visit to kimchi the confectioner in the claer gas where I passionately devoured the latest newspapers here I found many men who held the same political views as myself and I especially love to listen to the eager political discussions of some of the old men who frequented the place the literary journals to began to interest me I read a great deal but was not very particular in my choice nevertheless I now began to appreciate intelligence and wit whereas before only the grotesque and the Fantastic had had any attraction for me my interest in the issue of the Polish War however remained Paramount I felt The Siege and capture of Warsaw as a personal Calamity my excitement when the remains of the Polish Army began to pass through liip on their way to France was Indescribable and I shall never forget the impression produced upon me by the first batch of these unfortunate soldiers on the occasion of their being quartered at the green shield a public house in the meat market much as this depressed me I was soon roused to a high pitch of enthusiasm for in the lounge of the liip Goan house where that night Boven C minor Symphony was being played a group of heroic figures the principal leaders of the Polish Revolution excited my admiration I felt more particularly attracted by count Vincent tit a man of exceptionally powerful physique and Noble appearance who impressed me by his dignified and aristocratic Manner and his quiet self-reliance qualities with which I had not met before when I saw a man of such kingly bearing in a tight fitting coat and red velvet cap I at once realized my foolishness in ever having worshiped the ludicrously dressed up little Heroes of our students world I was delighted to meet this gentleman again at the house of my brother-in-law Friedrich Brock house where I saw him frequently my brother-in-law had the greatest pity and Sympathy for the Polish Rebels and was the president of a committee whose task it was to look after their interests and for a long time he made many personal sacrifices for their cause the Brock House establishment now became tremendously attractive to me around count Vincent’s t witch who remained the load star of this small polish World gathered a great many other wealthy Exiles amongst whom I chiefly remember a Cavalry captain of the name of banser a man of unlimited kindness but of a rather frivolous nature he possessed a marvelous team of four horses which he drove at such Breakneck speed as to cause great annoyance to the people of Leipsic another man of importance with whom I remember dining was General Bame whose artillery had made such a gallant stand at austral Lenka many other Exiles passed through this hospitable house some of whom impressed Us by their Melancholy warlike bearing others by their refined Behavior Vincent’s tisy wit however remained my ideal of a true man and I loved him with a profound adoration he too began to be interested in me I used to call upon him nearly every day and was sometimes present at a sort of Marshal Feast from which he often with Drew in order to be able to open his heart to me about the anxieties which oppressed him he had in fact received absolutely no news of the whereabouts of his wife and little son since they separated at vhenan besides this he was under the shadow of a great sorrow which Drew all sympathetic Natures to him to my sister Louise he had confided the terrible Calamity that had once befallen him he had been married before and while staying with his wife in one of his lonely castles in the dead of night he had seen a ghostly Apparition at the window of his bedroom hearing his name called several times he had taken up a revolver to protect himself from possible danger and had shot his own wife who had had the eccentric idea of teasing him by pretending to be a ghost I had the pleasure of sharing his Joy on hearing that his family was safe his wife joined him in leig with their beautiful boy yanish I felt sorry not to be able to feel the same sympathy for this lady as I did for her husband perhaps one of the reasons of my antipathy was the obvious and conspicuous way in which she made herself up by means of which the poor woman probably tried to hide how much her beauty had suffered through the terrible strain of the past events she soon went back to Gala to try and save what she could of their property and also to provide her husband with a pass from the Austrian government by means of which he could follow her then came the 3rd of May 18 of the polls who were still in leig met together at a festive dinner in a hotel outside the town on this day was to be celebrated the first anniversary of the 3rd of May so dear to the memory of the polls only the chiefs of the leig Polish committee received invitations and as a special favor I also was asked I shall never forget that occasion the dinner became an orgy throughout the evening a brass band from the town played polish folk songs and these were sung by the whole company led by a Lithuanian called on in a manner now triumphant and now mournful the beautiful third of May song More particularly Drew forth a positive uproar of enthusiasm tears and shouts of Joy grew into a terrible tumult the excited men grouped themselves on the grass swearing Eternal friendship in the most extravagant terms for which the word wysa Fatherland provided the principal theme until at last night threw her veil over this wild debauch that evening afterwards served me as the theme for an orchestral composition in the form of an overture named palonia I shall recount the fate of this work later on my friend tisu witch’s passport now arrived and he made up his mind to go back to gisha Via Brun although his friends considered it was very rash of him to do so I very much wanted to see something of the world and tisy which offered to take me with him induced my mother to consent to my going to Vienna a place that I had long wished to visit I took with me the scores of my three overtures which had already been performed and also that of my great Symphony as yet unproduced and had a grand time with my polish Patron who took me in his luxurious traveling coach as far as the capital of Moravia during a short stop at Dres in the Exiles of all classes gave our beloved count a friendly farewell dinner in PNA at which the champagne flowed freely while the health was drunk of the future dictator of Poland at last we separated at Brun from which place I continued my journey to Vienna by coach during the afternoon and night which I was obliged to spend in Brun by myself I went through terrible agonies from Fear of the C which as I unexpectedly heard had broken out in this place there I was all alone in a strange place my faithful friend just departed and on hearing of the epidemic I felt as if a malicious demon had caught me in his snare in order to annihilate me I did not betray my Terror to the people in the hotel but when I was Shone into a very lonely wing of the house and left by myself in this Wilderness I hid myself in bed with my clothes on and lived once again through all the horrors of ghost stories as I had done in my Boyhood the kalera stood before me like a living thing I could see and touch it it lay in my bed and embraced me my limbs turned to ice I felt Frozen to the very marrow whether I was awake or asleep I never knew I only remember how astonished I was when on awakening I felt thoroughly well and healthy at last I arrived in Vienna where I escaped the epidemic which had penetrated as far as that town it was Midsummer of the Year 1832 owing to the introductions I had with me I found myself very much at home in this Lively City in which I made a pleasant stay of 6 weeks as my soour however had no really practical purpose my mother looked upon the cost of this holiday short as it seemed as an unnecessary extravagance on my part I visited the theaters heard Strauss made excursions and altogether had a very good time I am afraid I can contracted a few debts as well which I paid off later on when I was conductor of the Dresden Orchestra I had received very pleasant impressions of musical and Theatrical life and for a long time Vienna lived in my memory as the Acme of that extraordinarily productive Spirit peculiar to its people I enjoyed most of all the performances at the theater and derine at which they were acting a grotesque fairy play called da abent to fortunate Zoo waser un Zoo land in which a cab was called on the shores of the Black Sea and which made a tremendous impression on me about the music I was more doubtful a young friend of mine took me with immense Pride to a performance of glux ofen and Taurus which was made doubly attractive by a First Rate cast including wild stal and binder I must confess that I’m a whole I was bored by this work but I did not dare say so my ideas of GL had attained gigantic proportions from my reading of Hoffman’s well-known fantasies my anticipation of this work therefore which I had not studied yet had led me to expect a treatment full of overpowering dramatic force it is possible that schroer de Ran’s acting in Fidelio had taught me to judge everything by her exalted standard with the greatest trouble I worked myself up to some kind of enthusiasm for the great scene between areses and the Furies I hoped against hope that I should be able to admire the remainder of the Opera I began to understand the vien taste however when I saw how great a favorite the Opera zampa became with the public both at the carner Thor and at the Joseph stad both theaters competed vigorously in the production of this popular work and although the public had seemed mad about ifigeneia nothing equaled their enthusiasm for zampa no sooner had they left the Joseph stad theater and the greatest ecstasies about zampa than they proceeded to the Public House called the straw line here they were immediately greeted by the strains of selections from zampa which drove the audience to feverish excitement I shall never forget the extraordinary playing of Johan Strauss who put equal enthusiasm into everything he played and very often made the audience almost frantic with delight at the beginning of a new Walts this demon of the vienes musical Spirit shook like a pathian priestess on the tripod in veritable groans of ecstasy which without doubt were more due to his music than to the drinks in which the audience had indulged raised their worship for the magic violinist to almost bewildering Heights of frenzy the hot summer air of Vienna was absolutely impregnated with sampa and Strauss a very poor students rehearsal at the conservatoire at which they performed a mass by kabini seemed to me like an arms paid begrudgingly to the study of classical music at the same rehearsal one of of the professors to whom I was introduced tried to make the students play my overture in D Minor the one already performed in lipic I do not know what his opinion was Nor that of the students with regard to this attempt I only know they soon gave it up on the whole I had wandered into doubtful musical baths and I now withdrew from this first educational visit to a great European art center in order to start on a cheap but long and monotonous return journey to Bohemia by stage coach my next move was a visit to the house of count P of whom I had Pleasant Recollections from my Boyhood days his estate pravan was about 8 miles from Prague received in the kindest possible way by the Old Gentleman and his beautiful daughters I enjoyed his delightful Hospitality until late into the Autumn a youth of 19 as I then was with a fast growing beard for which my sisters had already prepared the young ladies by letter the continual and close intimacy with such kind and pretty girls could hardly fail to make a strong impression on my imagination Jenny the Elder of the two was slim with black hair blue eyes and wonderfully Noble features the younger one AUST was a little smaller and stouter with a magnificent complexion Fair hair and brown eyes the natural and sisterly manner with which both girls treated me and conversed with me did not blind me to the fact that I was expected to fall in love with one or the other of them it amused them to see how embarrassed I got in my efforts to choose between them and consequently they teased me tremendously unfortunately I did not act judiciously with regard to the daughters of my host in spite of their homely education they belonged to a very aristocratic house and consequently hesitated between the hope of marrying men of eminent Poss in their own sphere and the necessity of choosing husbands amongst the higher middle classes who could afford to keep them in Comfort the shockingly poor almost medieval education of the Austrian so-called Cavalier made me rather despise the latter the girls too had suffered from the same lack of proper training I soon noticed with disgust how little they knew about things artistic and how much value they attached to superficial things however much I might try to interest them in those higher Pursuits which had become necessary to me they were incapable of appreciating them I advocated a complete change from the bad Library novels which represented their only reading from the Italian operatic Arius sung by AUST and last but not least from the horsey insipid Cavaliers who paid their Court to both Jenny and her sister in the most coarse and offensive manner my Zeal and this latter respect soon gave rise to great unpleasantness I became hard and insulting herang them about the French Revolution and begged them with fatherly admonitions For the Love of Heaven to be content with well-educated middleclass men and give up those impertinent suitors who could only harm their reputation the indignation provoked by my friendly advice I often had to ward off with the harshest retorts I never apologized but tried by D of or Fain jealousy to get our friendship back on the old footing in this way undecided half in love and half angry one cold November day I said goodbye to these pretty children I soon met the whole family again at Prague where I made a long sojourn without however staying at the Count’s residence my stay at Prague was to be of great musical importance to me I knew the director of the conservat dean Weber who promised to bring my Symphony before the public I also spent much of my time with an actor called Moritz to whom as an old friend of our family I had been recommended and there I made the acquaintance of the Young musician KD morit who noticed that not a day passed but what I went to the much-feared chief of the conservat upon some pressing musical business once dispatched me with an improvised parody on schillberg shaft zani stem director schit Wagner di part Ganda in schin D Scher band was walus do MIT Den not sprit inet Finster or w d vom schle and gmack be Das Soul Stu and den renion in burin truly I had to deal with a kind of dionisius the Tyrant a man who did not acknowledge Beethoven’s genius Beyond his second Symphony a man who looked upon the Roa as the Acme of bad taste on the Master’s part who praised mozar alone and next to him tolerated only line painer such a man was not easy to approach and I had to learn the art of making use of tyrants for one’s own purposes I dissimulated I pretended to be struck by the novelty of his ideas never contradicted him and to point out the similarity of our standpoints I referred him to the N fug in my Overture and in my Symphony both in C major which I had only succeeded in making what they were through having studied Mozart My Rewards soon followed deani set to work to study my orchestral creations with almost youthful energy the students of the conservator were compelled to practice with the greatest exactitude my new symphony under his dry and terribly noisy baton in the presence of several of my friends amongst whom was also the dear old count p in his capacity of president of the conservator to our committee we actually held a first performance of the greatest work that I had written up to that date during these musical successes I went on with my love making in the attractive House of count P under the most curious circumstances a confectioner of the name of hash Chow was my rival he was a tall lanky young man who like most Bohemians had taken up music as a hobby he played the accompaniments to ao’s songs and naturally fell in love with her like myself he hated the frequent visits of the Cavaliers which seemed to be quite the custom in this city but while my displeasure expressed itself in humor it showed itself in Gloomy Melancholy this mood made him behave boorishly in public for instance one evening when the chandelier was to be lighted for the reception of one of these gentlemen he ran his head purposely against this ornament and broke it the festive illumination was thus rendered impossible the Countess was Furious and hacha had to leave the house never to return I well remember that the first time I was conscious of any feelings of love these manifested themselves as Pains of jealousy which had however nothing to do with real love this happened one evening when I called at the house the Countess kept me by her side in an anti room while the girls beautifully dressed and gay flirted in the reception room with those hateful young noblemen all I had ever read in Hoffman’s Tales of certain demoniacal intrigues which until that moment had been obscure to me now became really tangible facts and I left prag with an obviously unjust and exaggerated opinion of those things and those people through whom I had suddenly been dragged into an unknown world of Elementary passions on the other hand I had gained by my stay at praven I had written poetry as well as musical compositions my musical work was a setting of Glock andone a poem by the friend of my youth Theodore ail I had already written an Arya for soprano which had been performed the winter before at one of the theater concerts but my new work was decidedly the first vocal piece I had written with real inspiration generally speaking I suppose it owed its characteristics to the influence of Beethoven’s leader Christ all the same the impression that it has left on my mind is that it was absolutely part of myself and pervaded by a delicate sentimentality which was brought into Relief by the dreaminess of the accompaniment my poetical efforts lay in the direction of a sketch of a trag operatic subject which I finished in its entirety in Prague under the title of die haite the wedding I wrote it without anybody’s knowledge and this was no easy matter seeing that I could not write in my chilly little hotel room and had therefore to go to the house of Moritz where I generally spent my mornings I remember how I used quickly to hide my manuscript behind the sofa as soon as I heard my host’s footsteps an extraordinary episode was connected with the plot of this work already years ago I had come across a tragic story whilst perusing bushings book on chivalry the like of which I have never since read a lady of noble birth had been assaulted One Night by a man who secretly cherished a passionate love for her and in the struggle to defend her honor superhuman strength was given her to fling him into the courtyard below the mystery of his death remained unexplained until the day of his solemn obseques when the lady herself who attended them and was kneeling in solemn prayer suddenly fell forward and expired the mysterious strength of this profound and passionate story made an indelible impression upon my mind fascinated moreover by The Peculiar treatment of similar phenomena in Hoffman’s Tales I sketched a novel in which musical mysticism which I still loved so deeply played an important part the action was supposed to take place on the estate of a rich patron of the Fine Arts a young couple was going to be married and had invited the friend of the bridegroom an interesting but Melancholy and mysterious young man to their wedding intimately connected with the whole Affair was a strange old organist the Mystic relations which gradually developed between the the old musician The Melancholy young man and the bride were to grow out of the unravel of certain intricate events in a somewhat similar manner to that of the medieval story above related here was the same idea the young man mysteriously killed the equally strange sudden death of his friend’s bride and the old organist found dead on his bench after the playing of an impressive requium the last core of which was inordinately prolonged as if it never would end I never finished this novel but as I wanted to write the labretto for an opera I took up the theme again in its original shape and built on this as far as the principal features went the following dramatic plot two great houses had lived in enmity and had at last decided to end the Family Feud the Aged head of one of these houses invited the son of his former enemy to the wedding of his daughter with one of his faithful partisans the wedding Feast is thus used as an opportunity for reconciling the two families whilst the guests are full of the suspicion and fear of treachery their young leader Falls violently in love with the bride of his newly found Ally his tragic glance deeply affects her the festive escort accompanies her to the bridal chamber where she is to await her beloved leaning against her Tower window she sees the same passionate eyes fixed on her and realizes that she is face to face with a tragedy when he penetrates into her chain Amber and Embraces her with frantic passion she pushes him backwards towards the balcony and throws him over the parapet into the abyss from whence his mutilated remains are dragged by his companions they at once arm themselves against the presumed treachery and call for vengeance tumult and confusion fill the courtyard the interrupted wedding Feast threatens to end in a night of Slaughter the venerable head of the house at last succeeds in averting the catastrophe Messengers are sent to Bear the tidings of the mysterious Calamity to the relatives of the victim the corpse itself shall be the medium of reconciliation for in the presence of the different generations of the suspected family Providence itself shall decide which of its members has been guilty of treason during the preparations for the obseques the bride shows signs of approaching Madness she flies from her bridegroom refuses to be United to him and locks herself up in her Tower chamber only when at night the gloomy though gorgeous ceremony commences does she appear at the head of her women to be present at the burial service the gruesome solity of which is interrupted by the news of the approach of hostile forces and then by the armed attack of the Kinsmen of the murdered man when the Avengers of the presumed treachery penetrate into the chapel and call upon the murderer to declare himself the horrified Lord of The Manor points towards his daughter who turning away from her bridegroom Falls lifeless by the coffin of her victim this nocturnal drama through which ran reminiscences of lubl Endy Adelaide the work of my far-off Boyhood I wrote in the darkest vein but in a more polished and more noble style disdaining all light effects and especially all operatic embellishments tender passages occurred here and they’re all the same and wnich to whom I had already shown the beginning of my work on my returned to lipic praised me for the clearness and good vocal quality of the introduction I had composed to the First Act this was an Adagio for a vocal septet in which I had tried to express the reconciliation of the Hostile families together with the emotions of the wetted couple and the Sinister Passion of the secret lover my principal object was all the same to win my sister rosal’s approval my poem however did not find favor in her eyes she missed all that which I had purposely avoided insisted on the ornamentation and development of the simple situation and desired more brightness generally I made up my mind in an instant I took the manuscript and without a suggestion of ill temper destroyed it there and then this action had nothing whatever to do with Wounded vanity it was prompted merely by my desire honestly to prove to my sister how little I thought of my own work and how much I cared for for her opinion she was held in great and loving esteem by my mother and by the rest of our family for she was their principal bread winner the important salary she earned as an actress constituted nearly the whole income out of which my mother had to defray the household expenses for the sake of her profession she enjoyed many advantages at home her part of the house had been specially arranged so that she should have all the necessary comfort and peace for her studies on Market days when the others had to put up with the simplest Fair she had to have the same dainty food as usual but more than any of these things did her Charming gravity and her refined way of speaking Place her above the younger children she was thoughtful and gentle and never joined us in our rather loud conversation of course I had been the one member of the family who had caused the greatest anxieties both to my mother and to my motherly sister and during my life as a student the strange relations between us had made a terrible impression on me when therefore they tried to believe in me again and once more showed some interest in my work I was full of gratitude and happiness the thought of getting this sister to look kindly upon my aspirations and even to expect great things of me had become a special stimulus to my ambition under these circumstances a tender and almost sentimental relationship grew up between Rosalie and myself which in its per Purity and sincerity could Vie with the noblest form of friendship between man and woman this was principally due to her exceptional individuality she had not any real talent at least not for acting which had often been considered stagy and unnatural nevertheless she was much appreciated owing to her Charming appearance as well as to her pure and dignified womanliness and I remember many tokens of esteem which she received in those days all the same none of these advances ever seemed to lead to the prospect of a marriage and year by year went by without bringing her hopes of a suitable match a fact which to me appeared quite unaccountable from time to time I thought I noticed that rosley suffered from this state of affairs I remember one evening when believing herself to be alone I heard her sobbing and moaning I stole away unnoticed but her grief made such an impression upon me that from that moment I vowed to bring some joy into her life principally by making a name for myself not without reason had our stepfather guy given my gentle sister the nickname of Gan Little Spirit for if her Talent as an actress was not great Her Imagination and her love of Art and of all high and Noble things were perhaps on that account alone all the greater from her lips I had first heard expressions of admiration and Delight concerning those subjects which became dear to me later later on and she moved amongst a circle of serious and interesting people who love the higher things of life without this attitude ever degenerating into affectation on my return from my long journey I was introduced to Heinrich Lobby who my sister had added to her list of intimate friends it was at the time when the after effects of the July Revolution were beginning to make themselves felt amongst the younger men of intellect in Germany and of these Lobby was one of the most conspicuous as a young man he came from silicia to leipsig his principal object being to try and form Connections in this publishing Center which might be of use to him in Paris with he was going and from which place born also made a sensation amongst us by his letters on this occasion Lobby was present at a representation of a play by lwig Robert Dack dholis the power of circumstances this induced him to write a criticism for the leig Tage plat which made such a sensation through its tur and Lively style that he was at once offered in addition to other literary work the post of editor of D Elegante welt in our house he was looked upon as a genius his Curt and often biting manner of speaking which seemed to exclude all attempt at poetic expression made him appear both original and daring his sense of justice his sincerity and fearless bluntness made one respect his character hardened as it had been in Youth by great adversity on me he had a very inspiring effect and I was very much astonished to find that he thought so much of me as to write a flattering notice about my talent in his paper after hearing the first performance of my Symphony this performance took place in the beginning of the year 1833 at the leig Schneider Herber it was by the by In This dignified old Hall that the society utpe held its concerts the place was dirty narrow and poorly lighted and it was here that my work was introduced to the leig public for the first time and by means of an orchestra that interpreted it simply disgracefully I can only think of that evening as a gruesome Nightmare and my astonishment was therefore all the greater at seeing the important notice which Lobby wrote about the performance full of hope I therefore looked forward to a performance of the same work at the Goan House Concert which followed soon after after and which came off brilliantly in every way it was well received and well spoken of in all the papers of real malice there was not a trace on the contrary several notices were encouraging and Lobby who had quickly become celebrated confided to me that he was going to offer me a labretto for an opera which he had first written for meyerbeer this staggered me somewhat for I was not in the least prepared to pose as a poet and my only idea was to write a real plot for an opera as to the precise manner however in which such a book had to be written I already had a very definite and instinctive notion and I was strengthened in the certainty of my own feelings in the matter when Lobby now explained the nature of his plot to me he told me that he wanted to arrange nothing less than casuso into a labretto for grand opera once again I had qualms for I felt at once that Lobby had a mistaken idea about the character of a dramatic subject when I inquired into the real action of the play Lobby was astonished that I should expect more than the story of the Polish hero whose life was crowded with incident in any case he thought there was quite sufficient action in it to describe the unhappy fate of a whole nation of course the usual heroine was not missing she was a Polish girl who had a love affair with a Russian and in this way some sentimental situations were also to be found in the plot without a moment’s delay I assured my sister Rosalie that I would not set this story to music she agreed with me and begged me only to postpone my answer to Lobby my journey to Wartburg was of great help to me in this respect for it was easier to write my decision to Lobby than to announce it to him personally he accepted the slight rebuff with good Grace but he never forgave me either then or afterwards for writing my own words when he heard what subject I had preferred To His Brilliant political poem he made no effort to conceal his contempt for my choice I had borrowed the plot from a dramatic fairy tale by gatsi Lon Serpent and called it dine the fairies the names of my heroes I chose from different asan and similar poems my prince was called the rendle he was loved by a fairy called Ada who held him under her spell and kept him in fairy land away from his realm until his Faithful Friends at last found him and induced him to return for his country was going to rack and ruin and even its capital had fallen into the enemy’s hands the loving fairy herself sends the prince back to his country for the Oracle has decreed that she shall lay upon her lover the severest of tasks only by performing this task triumphantly can he make it possible for her to leave the immoral world of fairies in order to share the fate of her Earthly lover as his wife in a moment of of deepest despair about the state of his country the fairy queen appears to him and purposely destroys his faith in her by Deeds of the most cruel and inexplicable nature driven mad by a thousand fears orindo begins to imagine that all the time he has been dealing with a wicked sorceress and tries to escape the Fatal spell by pronouncing a curse upon adaah wild with sorrow the unhappy fairy sinks down and reveals their Mutual fate to the Lover now lost to her forever and tells him that as a punishment for having disobeyed the decree of Fate she is doomed to be turned into stone in gs’s version she becomes a serpent immediately afterwards it appears that all the catastrophes which the fairy had prophesied were but deceptions victory over the enemy as well as the growing prosperity and Welfare of the Kingdom now follow in quick succession aah is taken away by the fates and a rendle a raving madman remains behind alone the terrible sufferings of his Madness do not however satisfy the fates to bring about his utter ruin they appear before the repentant man and invite him to follow them to the Nether world on the pretext of enabling him to free adah from the spell through the treacherous Promises of the wicked fairies arundel’s Madness grows into Sublime exaltation and one of his household magicians a faithful friend having in the meantime equipped him with magic weapons and charms he now follows the traitress the latter cannot get over their astonishment when they see how a rendle overcomes one after the other of the monsters of the infernal regions only when they arrive at the vault in which they show him the stone in human shape do they recover their hope of vanquishing the Valiant Prince for unless he can break the charm which binds adaah he must share her fate and be doomed to remain a stone forever arendel who until then has been using the dagger and the shield given him by the friendly magician now makes use of an instrument a liar which he has brought with him in the meaning of which he had not yet understood to the sounds of this instrument he now expresses his plaintive moans his remorse and his overpowering longing for his Enchanted Queen the stone is moved by the magic of his love the beloved one is released fairy land with all its marveles opens its portals and the Mortal learns that only to his former inconstancy a has lost the right to become his wife on Earth but that her beloved through his great and magic power has earned the right to Live Forever by her side in Fairyland although I had written di haite in the darkest vein without operatic embellishments I painted this subject with the utmost color and Variety in contrast to the lovers out of Fairyland I depicted a more ordinary couple and I even introduced a third pair that belonged to the course and more comical servant world I purposely went to no pains in the matter of the poetic diction and the verse my idea was not to encourage my former hopes of making a name as a poet I was now really a musician and a composer and wish to write a decent Opera labretto simply because I was sure that nobody else could write one for me the reason being that such a book is something quite unique and cannot be written either by a poet or by a mere man of letters with the intention of setting this labretto to music I left leig in January 1833 to stay in wsur with my eldest brother Albert who at the time held an appointment at the theater it now seemed necessary for me to begin to apply my musical knowledge to a practical purpose and to this end my brother had promised to help me in getting some kind of post at the small wburg theater I traveled by post to Bamberg via Hof and in Bamberg stayed a few days in the company of a young man called Shunk who from a player on the horn had become an actor with the greatest interest I learned the story of Casper Hower who at that time was very well known and who if I am not mistaken was pointed out to me in addition to this I admired The Peculiar costumes of the market women thought with much interest of Hoffman’s stay at this place and of how it had led to the writing of his tales and resumed my journey to wsur with a man called howder and suffered miserably from the cold all the way my brother Albert who was almost a new acquaintance to me did his best to make me feel at home in his not over luxurious establishment he was pleased to find me less mad than he had expected me to be from a certain letter with which I had succeeded in frightening him some time previously and he really managed to procure me an exceptional occupation as choir Master at the theater for which I received the monthly fee of 10 gilders the remainder of the winter was devoted to the serious study of the duties required of a musical director in a very short time I had to tackle two new grand operas namely marner’s vampir and Meer Bear’s Robert der tol in both of which the chorus played a considerable part At first I felt absolutely like a beginner and had to start on Camila Von the score of which was utterly unknown to me I still remember that but I felt I was doing a thing which I had no right to undertake I felt quite an amateur at the work soon however marner’s score interested me sufficiently to make the labor seem worth my while the score of Robert was a great disappointment to me from the newspapers I had expected plenty of originality and Novelty I could find no trace of either in this transparent work in an opera with a finale like that of the second act could not be named in the same breath with any of my favorite works the only thing that impressed me was the unearthly key trumpet which in the last act represented the voice of the mother’s ghost it was remarkable to observe the aesthetic demoralization into which I now fell through having daily to deal with such a work I gradually lost my dislike for the shallow and exceedingly uninteresting composition a dislike I shared with many German musicians in the growing interest which I was compelled to take in its interpretation and thus it happened that the insipidness and affectation of the commonplace Melodies ceased to concern me save from the standpoint of their capability of eliciting Applause or the reverse as moreover my future career as musical conductor was at stake my brother who was very anxious on my behalf looked favorably on this lack of classical obstinacy on my part and thus the ground was gradually prepared for that decline in my classical taste which was destined to last some considerable time all the same this did not occur before I had given some proof of my great inexperience in the lighter style of writing my brother wanted to introduce a cavatine from the piratin by Bellini into the same composer’s Opera strin the score was not to be had and he entrusted me with the instrumentation of this work from the piano score alone I could not possibly detect the heavy and noisy instrumentation of the rorn Els and intermi which musically were so very thin the composer of a great C major Symphony with an N Fugue could only help himself out of the difficulty by the use of a few flutes and clarinets playing in thirds at the rehearsal the cavinee sounded so frightfully thin and shallow that my brother made me serious reproaches about the waste of copying expenses but I had my revenge to the tenor Ari of Aubrey in marner’s vamper I added an Allegro for which I also wrote the words my work succeeded splendidly and earned the praise of both the public and my brother in a similar German style I wrote the music to my fiend in the course of the Year 1833 my brother and his wife left wsur after Easter in order to Avail themselves of several invitations at friends houses I stayed behind with the children three little girls of Tender Years which placed me in the extraordinary position of a responsible Guardian a post for which I was not in the least suited at that time of my life my time was divided between my work and pleasure and in consequence I neglected my charges amongst the friends I made there Alexander Muller had much influence over me he was a good musician and pianist and I used to listen for hours to his improvisations on given themes an accomplishment in which he so greatly excelled that I could not fail to be impressed with him and some other friends amongst whom was also Valentine ham I often made excursions in the neighborhood on which occasions the Bavarian beer and the Frankish wine were want to fly Valentine ham was a grotesque individual who entertained us often with his excellent violin playing he had an enormous stretch on the piano for he could reach an interval of a 12th deret te a public beer garden situated on a pleasant height was a daily witness of my fits of wild and often enthusiastic boy boisterousness never once during those mild summer nights did I return to my charges without having waxed enthusiastic over art and the world in general I also remember a wicked trick which has always remained a blot in my memory amongst my friends was a fair and very enthusiastic suan called Frolic with whom I had exchanged my score of the C minor Symphony for his which he had copied out with his own hand this very gentle but rather irritable young man had taken such a violent dislike to one Andre whose malicious face I also detested that he declared that this person spoiled his evenings for him merely by being in the same room with him the unfortunate object of his hatred tried all the same to meet us whenever he could friction ensued but Andre would insist upon aggravating us one evening Frolic lost patience after some insulting retort he tried to chase him from our table by striking him with a stick the result was a fight in which frolics friends felt they must take part though they all seemed to do so with some reluctance a mad Longing To Join the freight also took possession of me with the others I helped in knocking our poor victim about and I even heard the sound of one terrible blow which I struck Andre on the head whilst he fixed his eyes on me and bewilderment I relate this incident to atone for a sin which has weighed very heavily on my conscience ever since I can compare this sad experience only with one out of my earliest Boyhood days namely the drowning of some puppies in a shallow pool behind my uncle’s house in Alin even to this day I cannot think of the slow death of these poor little creatures without horror I have never quite forgotten some of my Thoughtless and Reckless actions for the Sorrows of others and in particular those of animals have always affected me deeply to the extent of filling me with a disgust of life my first love affair stands out in strong contrast against these Recollections it was only natural that one of the young chorus ladies with whom I had to practice daily should know how to attract my attentions theres ringelman the daughter of a Gravedigger thanks to her beautiful soprano voice led me to believe that I could make a great singer of her after I told her of this ambitious scheme she paid much attention to her appearance and dressed El ly for the rehearsals and a row of white pearls which she wound through her hair especially fascinated me during the summer holidays I gave theres regular lessons and singing according to a method which has always remained a mystery to me ever since I also called on her very often at her house where fortunately I never met her unpleasant father but always her mother and her sisters we also met in the public gardens but false vanity always kept me from telling my friends of our relations I do not know whether the fault lay with her lowly birth her lack of Education or my own doubt about the sincerity of my affections but in any case when in addition to the fact that I had my reasons for being jealous they also tried to urge me to a formal engagement This Love Affair came quietly to an end an infinitely more genuine Affair was my love for friederick galvani the daughter of a mechanic who was undoubtedly a vitalian origin she was very Musical and had a lovely voice my brother had patronized her and helped her to a debut at his Theater which test she stood brilliantly she was rather small but had large dark eyes and a Sweet Disposition the first oboist of the orchestra a good fellow as well as a clever musician was thoroughly devoted to her he was looked upon as her fiance but owing to some incident in his past he was not allowed to visit at her parents house and the marriage was not to take place for a long time yet when the Autumn of my year in wburg Drew near I received an invitation from friends to be present at a country wedding at a little distance from wburg the oboist and his fiance had also been invited it was a jolly though primitive Affair we drank and danced and I even tried my hand at violin playing but I must have forgotten it badly for even with the second VI en I could not manage to satisfy the other musicians but my success with friederick was all the greater we danced like mad through the many couples of peasants until at one moment we got so excited that losing all self-control we embraced each other while her real lover was playing the dance music for the first time in my life I began to feel a flattering sensation of self-respect when Frederick’s fiance on seeing how we two flirted accepted the situation with good grace if not without some sadness I had never had the chance of thinking that I could make a favorable impression on any young girl I never imagined myself goodlook neither had I ever thought it possible that I could attract the attention of pretty girls on the other hand I had gradually acquired a certain self-reliance in mixing with men of my own age owing to the exceptional vivacity and innate susceptibility of my nature qualities which were brought home to me in my relations with members of my circle I gradually became conscious of a certain power of transporting or bewildering my more indolent companions from my poor oboists silent self-control on becoming aware of the Ardent advances of his betroth towards me I acquired as I have said the first suggestion of the fact that I might count for something not only among men but also among women the Frankish wine helped to bring about a state of ever greater confusion and and under the cover of its influence I at length declared myself quite openly to be Frederick’s lover ever so far into the night in fact when day was already breaking we set off home together to werburg in an open wagon this was the crowning Triumph of my delightful adventure for while all the others including in the end the jealous oboist slept off their debauch in the face of the dawning day I with my cheek against Frederick’s and listening to the warbling of the Larks watched the coming of the Rising Sun on the following day we had scarcely any idea of what had happened a certain sense of Shame which was not Unbecoming held us aloof from one another and yet I easily won access to Frederick’s family and from that time forward was daily a welcome guest when for some hours I would linger an unconcealed intimate intercourse with the same domestic circle from which the unhappy betrodd remained excluded no word was ever mentioned of this last connection never once did it even dawn upon friederick to affect any change in the State of Affairs and it seemed to strike no one that I ought so to speak to take the fiance’s place the confiding manner in which I was received by all and especially by the girl herself was exactly similar to one of Nature’s great processes as for instance when spring steps in and winter passes silently away not one of them ever considered the material consequences of the change and this is precisely the most charming and flattering feature of this first youthful love affair which was never to degenerate into an attitude which might give rise to suspicion or concern these relations ended only with my departure from wsur which was marked by the most touching and most tearful leaking for some time although I kept up no correspondence the memory of this episode remained firmly imprinted on my mind 2 years later while making a rapid Journey Through the old District I once more visited friederick the poor child approached me utterly shamefaced her oboist was still her lover and though his position rendered marriage impossible the unfortunate young woman had become a mother I have heard nothing more of her since amid all this traffic of love I worked hard at my Opera and thanks to the loving sympathy of my sister Rose I was able to find the necessary good spirits for the task when at the commencement of the summer my earnings as a conductor came to an end this same sister again made it her business loyally to provide me with ample pocket money so that I might devote myself solely to the completion of my work without troubling about anything or being a burden to anyone at a much later date I came across a letter of mine written to Rosalie in those days which were full of a tender almost a adoring love for that Noble creature when the winter was at hand my brother returned and the theater reopened truth to tell I did not again become connected with it but acquired a position which was even more prominent in the concerts of the musical society in which I produced my great overture in C major my Symphony and eventually portions of my new Opera as well an amateur with a splendid voice madelle fredel sang the great ARA from in addition to this a trio was given which in one of its passages had such a moving effect upon my brother who took part in it that to his astonishment as he himself admitted he completely lost his queue on account of it by Christmas my work had come to an end my score was written out complete with the most laudable neatness and now I was to return to liic for the New Year in order to get my Opera accepted by the theater there on the way home I visited nurg where I stayed a week with my sister Clara and with her husband who were engaged at the theater there I well remember how happy and comfortable I felt during this pleasant visit to the very same relatives who a few years previously when I had stayed with them at mberg had been upset by my resolve to adopt music as a calling now I had become a real musican had written a grand opera and had already brought out many things without coming to grief the sense of all this was a great joy to me while it was no less flattering to my relatives who could not fail to see that the supposed Misfortune had in the end proved to my advantage I was in a Jolly mood and quite unrestrained a state of mind which was very largely the result not only of my brother-in-law’s cheerful and sociable household but also of the pleasant Tavern life of the place in a much more confident and elated spirit I returned to lipik where I was was able to lay the three huge volumes of my score before my highly delighted mother and sister just then my family was the Richer for the return of my brother Julius from his long wanderings he had worked a good while in Paris as a Goldsmith and had Now set up for himself in that capacity in lipick he too like the rest was eager to hear something out of my Opera which to be sure was not so easy as I entirely lacked the gift of playing anything of the swort in an easy and intelligible way only when I was able to work myself into a state of absolute ecstasy was it possible for me to render something with any effect Rosalie knew that I meant it to draw a sore of Declaration of love from her but I have never felt certain whether the Embrace and the sisterly kiss which rewarded me after I had sung my great Arya from Ada were bestowed on me from real emotion or rather out of affectionate regard on the other hand the Zeal with which she urged my opera on the director of the theater ringel Hart the conductor and the manager was unmistakable and she did it so effectually that she obtained their consent for its performance and that very speedily I was particularly interested to learn that the management immediately showed themselves eager to try to settle the matter of the costumes for my drama but I was astonished to hear that the choice was in favor of Oriental attire whereas I had intended by the names I had selected to suggest a northern character for the setting but it was precisely these names which they found unsuitable as fairy personages are not seen in the north but only in the East while apart from this the original batsi which formed the basis of the work undoubtedly bore an oriental character it was with the utmost indignation that I opposed the insufferable turban and C style of dress and vehemently advocated the nightly garbor in the early years of the Middle Ages I then had to come to a thorough understanding with the conductor steg mayor on the subject of my score he was a remarkable short fat man with Fair curly hair and an exceptionally jovial disposition he was however very hard to bring to a point when over our wine we always arrived at an understanding very quickly but as soon as we sat at the piano I had to listen to the most extraordinary objections concerning concerning the trend of which I was for some time extremely puzzled as the matter was much delayed by this vacillation I put myself into closer communication with the stage manager of the Opera Hower who at that time was much appreciated as a singer and Patron of art by the people of leic with this man too I had the strangest experiences he who had captivated the audiences of lipic more especially with his impersonation of the barber and the Englishman in fra diavolo suddenly revealed himself in his own house as the most fanatical adherent of the most old-fashioned music I listened with astonishment to the scarcely veiled contempt with which he treated even Mozart and the only thing he seemed to regret was that we had no operas by Sebastian Bach after he had explained to me that dramatic music had not actually been written yet and that properly speaking look alone had shown any ability for it he proceeded to what seemed an exhaustive examin of my own Opera concerning which all I had wished to hear from him was whether it was fit to be performed instead of this however his object seemed to be to point out the failure of my purpose in every number I sweated blood under the unparalleled torture of going through my work with this man and I told my mother and sister of my grave depression all these delays had already succeeded in making it impossible to perform my Opera at the date originally fixed and now it was postponed until August of the current year 1834 an incident which I shall never forget inspired me with fresh courage old be an experienced and excellent musician and in his day a successful composer who thanks more particularly to his long practice as a conductor at the breasta theater had acquired a perfectly practical knowledge of such things was then living at leig and was a good friend of my people my mother sister begged him to give his opinion about the fitness of my Opera for the stage and I duly submitted the score to him I cannot say How Deeply affected and impressed I was to see this Old Gentleman appear one day among my relatives and to hear him declare with genuine enthusiasm that he simply could not understand how so young a man could have composed such a score his remarks concerning the greatness which he had recognized in my talent were really irresistible and positively amazed me when asked whether he considered the work presentable and calculated to produce an effect he declared his only regret was that he was no longer at the head of a theater because had he been he would have thought himself extremely lucky to secure such a man as myself permanently for his Enterprise at this announcement my family was overcome with joy and their feelings were all the more Justified seeing that as they all knew ber was by no means an amiable romancer but a practical musician well seasoned by a life full of experience the delay was now born with better spirits and for a long time I was able to wait hopefully for what the future might bring among other things I now began to enjoy the company of a new friend in the person of Lobby who at that time although I had not said as casuso to music was at the Zenith of his Fame the first portion of his novel young Europe the form of which was epistolary had appeared and had a most stimulating effect on me more particularly in conjunction with all the youthful hopefulness which at that time pulsated in my veins though his teaching was essentially only a repetition of that andh aring hello the forces that then surged in young breasts were given full and eloquent expression The Guiding Spirit of this tendency was followed in literary criticism which was aimed mainly at the supposed or actual incapacity of the semi classical occupants of our various literary Thrones without the slightest Mercy the pedants among whom teak for one was numbered were treated as sheer encumbrances and hindrances to the rise of a new literature that which led to a remarkable revulsion of my feelings with regard to those German composers who hitherto had been admired and respected was partly the influence of these critical skirmishes and the luring sprightliness of their tone but mainly the impression made by by a fresh visit of schroer deant to lipik when her rendering of Borneo and Bellini’s Romeo and Juliet carried Everyone by storm the effect of it was not to be compared with anything that had been witnessed there to see the daring romantic figure of the youthful lover against a background of such obviously shallow and empty music prompted one at all events to meditate doubtfully upon the cause of the Great lack of effect in solid German music as it had been a applied hither to to the drama without for the moment plunging too deeply into this meditation I allowed myself to be born along with the current of my youthful feelings then roused to artor and turned involuntarily to the task of working off all that brooding seriousness which in my earlier years had driven me to such pathetic mysticism what pollins had not done by his conducting of the Ninth Symphony what the Vienna conservator deani Weber and many other clumsy performances which had led me to regard classical music as absolutely colorless had not fully accomplished was achieved by the inconceivable charm of the most unclassical Italian music thanks to the wonderful thrilling and entrancing impersonation of Romeo by schroer Deen what affects such powerful and as regards their causes incomprehensible effects had upon my opinion was shown in the frivolous way in which I was able to contrive a short criticism of Weber’s urian for the Elegante ziton this Opera had been performed by the lipid company shortly before the appearance of schroer deant cold and colorless performers among whom the singer in the title role appearing in the wilderness with the full sleeves which were then the pink of fashion is still a disagreeable memory very laboriously and without Verve but simply with the object of satisfying the demands of classical rules this company did its utmost to dispel even the enthusiastic impressions of Weber’s music which I had formed in my youth I did not know what answer to make to a brother critic of lobbies when he pointed out to me the labored character of this operatic performance as soon as he was able to contrast it with the entrancing effect of that Romeo evening here I found myself confronted with a problem the solving of which I was just at that time disposed to take as easily as possible and displayed my Courage by discarding all prejudice and that daringly in the short criticism just mentioned in which I simply scoffed at yurian just as I had had my season of wild oat sewing as a student so now I boldly rushed into the same courses in the development of my artistic taste it was May and beautiful spring weather and a pleasure trip that I now undertook with a friend into the promised land of my youthful romance Bohemia was destined to bring the unrestrained young European mood in me to full maturity this friend was Theodore AEL I had known him a long while and had always felt particularly flattered by the fact that I had one as hearty affection for as the son of the gifted master of meter and imitator of Greek forms of poetry August April I felt that admiring deference for him which I had never yet been able to bestow upon the descendant of a famous man being well to-do and of a good family his friendship gave me such opportunities of coming into touch with the easy circumstances of the upper classes as were not a frequent occurrence in my station of Life while my mother for instance regarded my association with this highly respectable family with great satisfaction I for my part was extremely gratified at the thought of the cordiality with which I was received in such circles ael’s Earnest wish was to become a poet and I took it for granted that he had all that was needed for such a calling above all what seemed to me so important the complete Freedom that his considerable Fortune assured him by liberating him from all need of earning his living or of adopting a profession for a livelihood strange to say his mother who on the death of his distinguished father had married a lipid lawyer was very anxious about the vocation he should choose and wished her son to make a fine career in the law as she was not at all disposed to favor his poetical gifts and it was to her attempts to convert me to her view you in order that by my influence I might avert the Calamity of a second poet in the family in the person of the son that I owed the specially friendly relations that obtained between herself and me all her suggestions succeeded in doing however was to stimulate me even more than my own favorable opinion of his talent could to confirm my friend and his desire to be a poet and thus to support him in his rebellious attitude towards his family he was not displeased at this as he was also studying music and composed quite nicely I succeeded in being on terms of the greatest intimacy with him the fact that he had spent the very year in which I had sunk into the lowest depths of undergraduate Madness studying at heidleberg and not at lipic had kept him unsullied by any share in my strange excesses and when we now met again at lii in the spring of 1834 the only thing that we still had in common was the aesthetic aspir ation of Our Lives which we now strove by way of experiment to divert into the direction of the enjoyment of Life gladly would we have flung ourselves into Lively Adventures if only the conditions of our environment and of the whole middle class World in which we lived had in any way admitted of such things despite all the promptings of our instincts however we got no further than planning this excursion to Bohemia at all events it was something that we made the journey not by the post but in our own carriage and our genuine pleasure continued to lie in the fact that at tlets for instance we daily took long drives in a fine Carriage when in the evening we had subed off trout at the will helmsburg drunk good chernos wine with bin water and duly excited ourselves over Hoffman bethoven Shakespeare Han arding hello and other matters and then with our limbs comfortably outstretched in our elegant carriage drove back in the summer Twilight to the King of Prussia where we occupied the large balcony room on the first floor we felt that we had spent the day like young gods and for sheer exuberance could think of nothing better to do than to indulge in the most frightful corals which especially when the windows were open would collect numbers of alarmed listeners in the Square before the end one fine morning I stole away from my friend in order to take my breakfast alone at the schlack andberg and also to seize an opportunity of jotting down the plan of a new operatic composition in my notebook with this end in view I had mastered the subject of Shakespeare’s measure for measure which in accordance with my present mood I soon transformed pretty freely into a labretto entitled Lee best forbit young Europe and aring hello and the strange frame of mind into which I had fallen with regard to classical operatic music furnished me with the keynote of my conception which which was directed more particularly against puritanical hypocrisy and which thus tended boldly to exalt unrestrained sensuality I took care to understand the grave Shakespearean theme only in this sense I could see only the gloomy straight laced vicroy his heart of flame with the most passionate love for the beautiful novice who while she beseeches him to Pardon her brother condemned to death for illicit love at the same time Kindles the most dangerous fire in the stubborn tin’s breast by infecting him with the lovely warmth of her human emotion the fact that these powerful features are so richly developed in Shakespeare’s creation only in order that in the end they may be weighed all the more Gravely in the scales of Justice was no concern of mine all I cared about was to expose the sinfulness of hypocrisy and the unnaturalness of such cruel moral censure thus I completely dropped measure for measure and made the hypocrite be brought to Justice only only by the avenging Power of Love I transferred the theme from The Fabulous city of Vienna to the capital of Sunny Sicily in which a German vicroy indignant at the inconceivably loose morals of the people attempts to introduce a puritanical reform and comes miserably to grief over it D stum Von porsite probably contributed to some extent to this theme as did also certain memories of Dilan Vesper when I remember that at last even the gentle Sicilian Bellini constituted a factor in this composition I cannot to be sure help smiling at the strange medle in which the most extraordinary misunderstandings here took shape this remained for the present a mere draft studies from Life destined for my work were first to be carried out on this delightful Excursion to Bohemia I led my friend in Triumph to proc in the hope of securing the same impressions for him which had stirred me so profoundly when I was there we met my fair friends in the city itself for owing to the death of old count P material changes had taken place in the family and the surviving daughters no longer went to pravin my behavior was full of arrogance and by means of it I doubtless wished to vent a certain capricious lust of Revenge for the feelings of bitterness with which I had taken leave of this circle some years previously my friend was well received the changed family circumstances forced the Charming girls ever more and more imperatively to come to some decision as to their future in a wealthy bgea though not exactly ENT trayed himself but in possession of ample means seemed to the anxious mother at all events a good advisor without either showing or feeling any malice in the matter I expressed my pleasure at the sight of the strange confusion caused by Theodore’s introduction into the family by the merriest and wildest gests for my only intercourse with the ladies consisted purely of jokes and friendly chaff they could not understand how it was that I had altered so strangely there was no longer any of that love of wrangling that rage for instructing and that Zeal and converting in me which formerly they had found so irritating but at the same time not a sensible word could I be made to utter and they who were now wanting to talk over many things seriously could get nothing out of me save the wildest Tom Foolery as on this occasion in my character of an uncaged bird I boldly allowed myself many a liberty against which they felt themselves powerless my exuberant Spirits were excited all the more when my friend who was led away by my example tried to imitate me a thing they took in very bad part from him only once was there any attempt at seriousness between us I was sitting at the piano and was listening to my companion who was telling the ladies that in a conversation at the hotel I had found occasion to express myself most warmly to someone who appeared to be surprised on hearing of the domestic and industrious qualities of my lady friends I was deeply moved when as the outcome of my companion’s remarks I gathered what unpleasant experiences the poor things had already been through for what seemed to me a very natural action on my part appeared to fill them with unexpected pleasure Jenny for instance came up to me and hugged me with great great warmth by General consent I was now granted the right of Behaving with almost studied rudeness and I replied even to Jenny’s warm Outburst only with my usual banter in our hotel the black horse which was so famous in those days I found the playground in which I was able to carry the mischievous Spirit not exhausted at the P’s house to the point of recklessness out of the most accidental material and table and traveling guests we succeeded in gathering a company around us which allowed us until far into the night to lead it into the most inconceivable folies to all this I was incited more particularly by the personality of a very timid and undersized businessman from Frankfurt on the odor who longed to seem of a daring disposition and his presence stimulated me if only owing to the remarkable chance it gave me of coming into contact with someone who was at home in Frankfurt on the odor anyone who knows how things then stood in Austria and form some idea of my recklessness when I say that I once went so far as to cause our Symposium in the public room to Bellow the mares out loud into the night therefore when after this heroic exploit was over and while I was undressing I clambered on the outer Ledges of the windows from one room to the other on the second floor I naturally horrified those who did not know of the love of acrobatic Feats which I had cultivated in my earliest Boyhood even if I had exposed myself without fear to such dangers I was soon sobered down next morning by a summons from the police when in addition to this I recalled the singing of the mares I was filled with the gravest fears after having been detained at the station a long time owing to a strange misunderstanding the upshot of it was that the inspector who was told off to examine me found that there was not sufficient time left for a serious hearing and to my great relief I was allowed to go after replying to a few harmless questions concerning the intended length of my stay nevertheless we thought it advisable not to yield to the temptation of playing any more pranks beneath the spread wings of the Double Eagle by means of a circuitous route into which we were led by our insatiable longing for Adventures Adventures which as a matter of fact occur only in our imagination and which to all intents and purposes were but modest diversions on the road we at length got back to liic and with this return home the really cheerful period of My Life as a youth definitely closed if up to that time I had not been free from serious errors and moments of passion it was only now that care cast its first Shadow across my path my family had anxiously awaited my return in order to inform me that the post of conductor had been offered to me by the magd Bird Theater Company this company during the current summer month was per forming at a watering place called watchchad the manager could not get on with an incompetent conductor that had been sent to him and in his extremity had applied to leipsig in the hope of getting a substitute forth with steg the conductor who had no inclination to practice my scor fine during the hot summer weather as he had promised to do promptly recommended me for the post and in that way really managed to shake off a very Troublesome Tormentor for although on the one hand I really desired to be able to abandon myself freely and without restraint to the torrent of Adventures that constitute the artist’s life yet a longing for Independence which could be won only by my earning my own living had been greatly strengthened in Me by the state of my Affairs albeit I had the feeling that a solid basis for the gratification of this desire was not to be laid in watchchad nor did I find it easy to assist the plot concocted against the production of my Fiend I therefore determined to make a preliminary visit to the place just to see how things stood this little Watering Place had in the days of Gera and Schiller acquired a very wide reputation its wooden theater had been built according to the design of the former and the first performance of the brought Von mesina had been given there but although I repeated all this to myself the place made me feel rather doubtful I asked for the house of the director of the theater he proved to be out but a small dirty boy his son was told to take me to the theater to find papa papa however met us on the way he was an elderly man he wore a dressing gown and on his head a cap his delight at greeting me was interrupted by complaints about a serious indisposition for which his son was to fetch him a cordial from a shop close by before dispatching the boy on this errand he pressed a real silver penny into his hand with a certain ostentation which was obviously for my benefit this person was Heinrich bethman surviving husband of the famous actress of that name who having lived in the Heyday of the German stage had won the favor of the King of Prussia and won it so lastingly that long after her death it had continued to be extended to her spouse he always drew a nice pension from the Prussian court and permanently enjoyed its support with without ever being able to Forfeit its protection by his irregular and dissipated ways at the time of which I am speaking he had sunked to his lowest owing to continued theater management his speech and manners revealed the sugary refinement of a bygone day while all that he did and everything about him testified to the most shameful neglect he took me back to his house where he presented me to his second wife who crippled in one foot lay on an extraordinary couch while elderly Bas concerning whose excessive devotion Beth man had already complained to me quite openly smoked his pipe beside her from there the director took me to his stage manager who lived in the same house with the latter who was just engaged in a consultation about the Repertory with the theater attendant a toothless old skeleton he left me to settle the necessary arrangements as soon as Beth man had gone schil the stage manager Shrugged his shoulders and smiled assuring me that that was just the way of the director to put everything on his back and trouble himself about nothing there he had been sitting for over an hour discussing with croach what should be put on next Sunday it was all very well this starting D laan but how could he get a rehearsal carried out when the mburg town bandsmen who formed the orchestra would not come over on Saturday to rehearse all the time schil kept reaching out through the open window to a Cher tree from which he picked and persistently ate the fruit ejecting the stones with a disagreeable noise now it was this last circumstance in particular which decided me for strange to say I have an innate aversion from fruit I informed the stage manager that he need not trouble at all about Don Juan for Sunday since for my part if they had reckoned on my making my first appearance at this performance I must anyhow disappoint the director as I had no choice but to return at once to lipick where I had to put my Affairs in order this polite manner of tendering my absolute refusal to accept the appointment a conclusion I had quickly arrived at in my own mind forced me to practice some dissimulation and made it necessary for me to appear as if I really had some other purpose in coming to Lad this pretense in itself was quite unnecessary seeing that I was quite determined never to return there again people offered to help me in finding a lodging and a young actor whom I had chance to know at wburg undertook to be my guide in the matter while he was taking me to the best lodging he knew he told me that presently he would do me the kindness of making me the housemate of the prettiest and nicest girl to be found in the place at the time she was the junior lead of the company madelle menop pler of whom doubtless I had already heard as luck would have it the promised damsel met us at the door of the house in question her appearance and bearing formed the most striking contrast possible to all the unpleasant impressions of the theater which it had been my lot to receive on this fateful morning looking very charming and fresh the young actress’s General Manner and movements were full of a certain majesty and Grave Assurance which lend an agreeable and captivating air of dignity to her otherwise Pleasant expression her scrupulously clean and tidy dress completed the startling effect of the unexpected encounter found her after I had been introduced to her in the hall as the new conductor and after she had done regarding with astonishment The Stranger who seemed so young for such a title she recommended me kindly to the land lady of the house and begged that I might be welllook after whereupon she walked proudly and serenely across the street to her rehearsal I engaged a room on the spot agreed to Don Juan for Sunday regretted greatly that I had not brought my luggage with me from lipick and hastened to return neither as quickly as possible in order to get back to Lad all the sooner the die was cast the serious side of life at once confronted me in the form of significant experiences at leig I had to take a furtive leave of lobby at the instance of Prussia he had been worned off Saxon soil and he half guessed that the meaning which was to be attached to this move the time of undisguised reaction against the liberal movement of the Earth early 30s had set in the fact that Lobby was concerned in no sort of political work but had devoted himself merely to literary activity always aiming simply at aesthetic objects made the action of the police quite incomprehensible to us for the time being the disgusting ambiguity with which the leig authorities answered all his questions as to the cause of his expulsion soon gave him the strongest suspicions as to what their intentions towards him actually were lipick as the scene of his literary labors being inestimably precious it mattered greatly to him to keep Within Reach of it my friend AEL owned a fine estate on Prussian soil within but a few hours distance of leig and we conceived the wish of seeing lby hospitably harbored there my friend who without infringing the legal stipulations was in a position to give the persecuted man a place of Refuge immediately ascended and with great Readiness to our desire but confessed to us next day after having communicated with his family that he thought he might incur some unpleasantness if he entertained lobby at this the latter smiled and in a manner I shall never forget though I have noticed in the course of my life that the expression which I then saw on his face was one which has often flitted over my own features he took his leave and in a short time we heard that he had been arrested owing to having undertaken fresh proceedings against former members of the bersin shaft students league and had been lodged in the municipal prison at Berlin I had thus had two experiences which weighed me down like lead so I packed my scanny portmanto took leave of my mother and sister and with a stout heart started on my career as a conductor in order to be able to look upon the little room under Menace lodging as my new home I was forced also to make the best of Beth man’s theatrical Enterprise as a matter of fact a performance of Don Juan was given at once for the director who prided himself on being a connoisseur of things artistic suggested that Opera to me as one with which it would be wise for an aspiring Young artist of a good family to make his debut despite the fact that apart from some of my own instrumental compositions I had never yet conducted and least of all an opera the rehearsal and the performance went off fairly well only once or twice did discrepancies appear in the Reed of Donna Anna yet this did not involve me in any kind of hostility and when I took my place unabashed and calm for the production of lumpas I vagabundus which I had practiced very thoroughly the people generally seemed to have gained full confidence in the theater’s new acquisition the fact that I submitted without bitterness and even with some cheerfulness to this unworthy use of my musical Talent was due less to my taste being at this period as I called it in its holidays then to my intercourse with minip pler who was employed in that magic trifle as the Amorous fairy indeed in the midst of this dust cloud of frivolity and vulgarity she always seemed very much like a fairy the reasons of whose descent into this giddy World which of a truth seemed neither to carry her away nor even to affect her remained an absolute mystery for while I could discover nothing in the opera singers Save The Familiar stage caricatures and gram es this Fair actress differed wholly from those about her in her unaffected soberness and dainy modesty as also in the absence of all theatrical pretense and stilted there was only one young man whom I could place beside Mena on the ground of qualities like those I recognized in her this fellow was Friedrich Schmidt who had only just adopted the stage as a career in the hope of making a hit in Opera to which as the possessor of an excellent tenor voice he felt himself called he too differed from the rest of the company especially in the earnestness which he brought to bear upon his studies and his work in general the Soulful manly pitch of his chest voice his clear Noble enunciation and intelligent rendering of his words have always remained as standards in my memory owing to the fact that he was wholly devoid of theatrical talent and acted clumsily and awkwardly a check was soon put to his progress but he always remained dear to me as a clever and original man of trustworthy and upright character my only associate but my dealings with my kind house mate soon became a cherished habit while she returned the ingenuously impetuous advances of the conductor of 1 and20 with a certain Toler and astonishment which remote as it was from all catry and ulterior motives soon made familiar and friendly intercourse possible with her when one evening I returned late to my ground floor room by climbing through the window for I had no latch key the noise of my entry brought Mina to her window just over mine standing on my window ledge I begged her to allow me to bid her good night once more she had not the slightest objection to this but declared it must be done from the window as she always had her door locked by the people of the house and nobody could get in that way she kindly facilitated the handshake by leaning far out of her window so that I could take her hand as I stood on my ledge when later on I had an attack of aerosis from which I often suffered and with my face all swollen and frightfully distorted concealed myself from the world in my gloomy room Mina visited me repeatedly nursed me and assured me that my distorted features did not matter in the least on recovering I paid her a visit and complain of a rash that had remained round my mouth and which seemed so unpleasant that I apologized for showing it to her this also she made light of then I inferred she would not give me a kiss whereupon she at once gave me practical proof that she did not shrink from that either this was all done with a friendly Serenity and composure that had something almost motherly about it and it was free from all suggestion of frivolity or of heartlessness in a few weeks the company had to leave lad to proceed to rlead and fulfill a special engagement there I was was particularly anxious to make this journey which in those days was an arduous undertaking in min’s company and if only I had succeeded in getting my well- earned salary duly paid by Beth man nothing would have hindered the Fulfillment of my wish but in this matter I encountered exceptional difficulties which in the course of eventful years grew in chronic fashion into the strangest of ailments even at lodat I had discovered that there was only one man who drew his salary in full namely the Bas nysol whom I had seen smoking his pipe beside the couch of the director’s lame wife I was assured that if I cared greatly about getting some of my wages from time to time I could obtain this favor only by paying Court to Madame bethman this time I preferred once more to appeal to my family for help and therefore travel to rutab through lipick where to the sad astonishment of my mother I had to replenish my Coffer with the necessary supplies on the way to lipic I had traveled with AEL through his estate he having fetched me from watch stad for the purpose his arrival was fixed in my memory by a noisy banquet which my wealthy friend gave at the hotel in my honor it was on this occasion that I and one of the other guests succeeded in completely destroying a huge massively built Dutch tile stove such as we had in our room at the Inn next morning none of us could understand how it had happened it it was on this journey to rlead that I first passed through wymer where on a rainy day I strolled with curiosity but without emotion towards gerta’s house I had pictured something rather different and thought I should experience livelier Impressions from the active theater life of rad to which I felt strongly attracted in spite of the fact that I was not to be conductor myself this post having been entrusted to the leader of the royal Orchestra who had been specially engaged for our performances yet I was so fully occupied with rehearsals for the many operas and musical comedies required to regil the frivolous public of the principality that I found no leisure for excursions into the Charming regions of this little land in addition to these severe and ill-paid labors two passions held me chained during the six weeks of my stay in rbad these were first along longing to write the labretto of Lee best forbit and secondly my growing attack ATT M to Mena it is true I sketched out a musical composition about this time a symphony in E Major whose first movement three of four time I completed as a separate piece as regards style and design this work was suggested by bethoven 7th and eth Symphonies and so far as I can remember I should have had no need to be ashamed of it had I been able to complete it or keep the part one had actually finished but I had already begun at this time to form the opinion that to produce anything fresh and truly noteworthy in the realm of symphony and according to Beethoven’s methods was an impossibility whereas Opera to which I felt inwardly drawn though I had no real example I wish to copy presented itself to my mind in varied and alluring shapes as a Most Fascinating form of art thus amid manifold and passionate agitations and in a few Leisure Hours which were left to me I completed the greater part of my operatic poem taking infinitely more pains both as regards words and versification than with the text of my earlier fiend moreover I found myself possessed of incomparably Greater Assurance in the arrangement and partial invention of situations than when writing that earlier work on the other hand I now began for the first time to experience the cares and worries of a Lover’s jealousy a change to me inexplicable manifested itself in men’s hitherto unaffected and gentle manner towards me it appears that my artless solicitations for her favor by which at that time I meant nothing serious and in which a man of the world would merely have seen the exuberance of a youthful and easily satisfied infatuation had given rise to certain remarks and comments upon the popular actress I was astonished to learn first from her reserved Manner and later from her own own lips that she felt compelled to inquire into the seriousness of my intentions and to consider their consequences she was at that time as I had already discovered on very intimate terms with a young nobleman whose acquaintance I first made in watchchad where he used to visit her I had already realized on that occasion that he was unfeigned and cordially attached to her in fact in the circle of her friends she was regarded as engaged to her vono although it was obvious that marriage was out of the question as the young lover was quite without means and O to the high standing of his family it was essential that he should sacrifice himself to a marriage of convenience both on account of his social position and of the career which he would have to adopt during this stay at rutal stad Mena appears to have gathered certain information on this point which troubled and depressed her thus rendering her more inclined to treat my impetuous attempts at courtship with cool Reserve after mature deliberation I recognized that in any case young Europe aring hello and Lee best forbit could not be produced at rdad but it was a very different matter for the FI Amorosa with its merry theatrical mood and an erer Burger Kind to seek a decent livelihood therefore greatly discouraged I proceeded to accentuate the more extravagant situations of my Lee best forbit by rioting with a few comrades in the sausage scented atmosphere of the rutal stad Vogal Weis at this time my troubles again brought me more or less into contact with the vice of gambling although on this occasion it only cast temporary Fetters about me in the very harmless form of the dice and roulette tables out on the Open Marketplace we were looking forward to the time when we should leave rad for the half-yearly winter season at the Capal magur mainly because I should there resume my place at the head of the orchestra and might in any case count on a better reward for my musical efforts but before returning to magur I had to endure a trying interval at bernberg where bethman the director in addition to his other undertakings had also promised sunry theatrical performances during our brief stay in the town I had to arrange for the presentation with a mere fraction of the company of several operas which were again to be conducted by the Royal conductor of the place but in addition to these professional labor I had to endure such a meager ill provided and grievously farsal existence as was enough to disgust me if not forever at any rate for the time being with The Wretched profession of a theatrical conductor yet I survived even this and magur was destined to lead me eventually to the real glory of my adopted profession the sensation of sitting in command at the very conductor’s desk from which not many years before the Great Master line had so so moved the perplexed young Enthusiast by the weighty wisdom of his musical directorship was not without its charm for me and indeed I very quickly succeeded in obtaining perfect confidence in conducting an orchestra I was soon a Persona gr with the excellent musicians of the orchestra their Splendid combination and spirited overtures which especially towards the finale I generally took at an unheard of speed often earned for us all the intoxic ating Applause of the public the achievements of my fiery and often exuberant Zeal won me recognition from the singers and were greeted by the audience with rapturous appreciation as in mager at least in those days the art of theatrical criticism was but slightly developed this Universal satisfaction was a great encouragement and at the end of the first three months of my mberg conductorship I felt sustained by the flattering and comforting assurance that I was one of the big wigs of Opera under these circumstances schma the stage manager who has been my good friend ever since proposed a special Gala performance for New Year’s Day which he felt sure would be a Triumph I was to compose the necessary music this was very speedily done arousing Overture several melodramas and choruses were all greeted with enthusiasm and brought us such ample Applause that we repeated the performance with great great success although such repetitions after the actual Gala day were quite contrary to usage with the New Year 1835 there came a decisive turning point in my life after the rupture between Mina and myself at rdad we had been to some extent lost to one another but our friendship was resumed on our meeting again in magur this time however it remained cool and purposely indifferent when she first appeared in the town a year before her beauty had attracted considerable notice and I now learned that she was the object of great attention from several young noblemen and had shown herself not unmoved by the compliment implied by their visits although her reputation thanks to her absolute discretion and self-respect remained Beyond reproach my objection to her receiving such attentions grew very strong owing possibly in some degree to the memory of the Sorrows I had endured in P’s house in proc although Mina assured me that the conduct of these gentlemen was much more discreet and decent than that of theatergoers of the bgea class and especially than that of certain young musical conductors she never succeeded in soothing the bitterness and insistence with which I protested against her acceptance of such attentions so we spent three unhappy months in ever increasing estrangement and at the same time in half frantic despair I pretended to be fond of the most undesirable Associates and acted in every way with such blatant levity that Mena as she told me afterwards was filled with the deepest anxiety and solicitude concerning me moreover as the ladies of the Opera Company were not slow to pay court to their youthful conductor and especially as one young woman whose reputation was not spotless openly set her cap at me this anxiety of Menace seems at last to have culminated in a definite decision I hit upon the idea of treating the elite of our Opera Company to oysters and punch in my own room on New Year’s Eve the married couples were invited and then came the question whether frine planer would consent to take part in such a festivity she accepted quite ingenuously and presented herself as neatly and becomingly dressed as ever in my bachelor apartments where things soon grew pretty Lively I had already warned my landlord that we were not likely to be very quiet and reassured him as to any possible damage to his furniture what the champagne failed to accomplish the punch eventually succeeded in doing all the restraints of petty conventionality which the company usually endeavored to observe were cast aside giving place to an unreserved demeanor all around to which no one objected and then it was that Mina’s queenly dignity distinguished her from all her companions she never lost her self-respect and whilst no one ventured to take the slightest Liberty with her everyone very clearly recognized the simple cander with which she responded to my kindly and solicitous attentions they could not fail to see that the link existing between us was not to be compared to any ordinary liaison and we had the satisfaction of seeing the flighty young lady who had so openly angled for me fall into a fit over the discovery from that time onward I remained permanently on the best of terms with Mena I do not believe that she ever felt any sort of passion or Genuine love for me or indeed that she was capable of such a thing and I can therefore only describe her feeling for me as one of heartfelt Goodwill and the sincerest desire for my success and prosperity inspired as she was with the kindest sympathy and genuine delight at and admiration for my talents all this at last became part of her nature she obviously had a very favorable opinion of my abilities though she was surprised at the rapidity of My Success my eccentric nature which she knew so well how to humor pleasantly by her gentleness stimulated her to the continual exercise of the power so flattering to her own vanity and without ever betraying any desire or ar herself she never met my impetuous advances with coldness at the magur theater I had already met made the acquaintance of a very interesting woman called Madame hos she was an actress no longer in her first Youth and played so-called chaperon Parts this lady won my sympathy by telling me she had been friendly ever since her youth with Lobby in whose Destiny she continued to take a heartfelt and cordial interest she was clever but far from happy and an unprepossessing exterior which with the lapse of years grew more uninviting did not tend to make her any happier she lived in meager circumstances with one child and appeared to remember her better days with a bitter grief my first visit to her was paid merely to inquire after Lobby’s fate but I soon became a frequent and familiar caller as she and Min speedily became fast friends we three often spent Pleasant evenings talking together but when later on a certain jealousy manifested itself on the part of the Elder woman towards the younger our confidential relations were more or less Disturbed for it particularly grieved me to hear maa’s talents and mental gifts criticized by the other one evening I had promised MAA to have tea with her and Madam hos but I had thoughtlessly promised to go to a Wist party first this engagement I purposely prolonged much as it wearied me in a deliberate hope that her companion who had already grown irksome to me might might have left before my arrival the only way in which I could do this was by drinking hard so that I had the very unusual experience of rising from a sober Wist party in a completely fuddled condition into which I had imperceptibly fallen and in which I refused to believe this incredulity duded me into keeping my engagement for tea although it was so late to my intense disgust the Elder woman was still there when I arrived and her presence at once had the effect of rousing my tipsiness to a violent outbreak for she seemed astonished at my rowdy and unseemly behavior and made several remarks upon it intended for jokes whereupon I scoffed at her in the coarsest manner so that she immediately left the house and high dudgeon I had still sense enough to be conscious of Mena’s astonished laughter at my outrageous conduct as soon as she realized however that my condition was such as to render my removal impossible without great commotion she rapidly formed a resolution which must indeed have cost her an effort though it was carried out with the utmost calmness and Good Humor she did all she could for me and procured me the necessary relief and when I sank into a heavy Slumber unhesitatingly resigned her own bed to my use there I slept until awakened by the wonderful gray of dawn un recognizing where I was I at once realized and grew ever more convinced of the fact that this morning’s Sunrise marked the starting point of an infinitely momentous period of my life the demon of care had at last entered into my existence without any light-hearted gests without gayy or joking of any description we breakfasted quietly and decorously together and at an hour when in view of the compromising circumstances of the previous evening we could set out without attracting undue notice I set off with MAA for a long walk beyond the city Gates then we parted and from that day forward freely and openly gratified our desires as an acknowledged pair of lovers The Peculiar Direction which my musical activities had gradually taken continued to receive ever fresh impetus not only from the successes but also from the disasters which about this time befell my efforts I produced the Overture to my fiend with very satisfactory results at a concert given by the loan gessle sh and thereby earned considerable Applause on the other hand news came from lipid confirming the shabby action of the directors of the theater in that place with regard to the promised presentation of this Opera but happily for me I had begun the music for my liees forbit an occupation which so absorbed my thoughts that I lost all interest in the earlier work and abstained with proud indifference from all further effort to secure its performance in lipic the success of its Overture alone amply repaid me for the composition of my first opera meanwhile in spite of numerous other distractions I found time during the brief 6 months of this theatrical season in mberg to complete a large portion of my new Opera besides doing other work I ventured to introduce two Duets from it at a concert given in the theater and their reception encouraged me to proceed hopefully with the rest of the opera during the second half of this season and my friend AEL came to Sun himself enthusiastically in the Splendor of my musical directorship he had written a drama Columbus which I recommended to our management for production this was a peculiarly easy favor to win as Abel volunteered to have a new scene representing the alhamra painted at his own expense besides this he proposed to affect many welcome improvements in the condition of the actors taking part in his play for owing to the continued preference displayed by the director for nil the Bas they had all suffered very much from uncertainty about their wages the piece itself appeared to me to contain much that was good it described the difficulties and struggles of the great Navigator before he set sail on his first voyage of Discovery the drama ended with the momentous departure of his ships from the harbor of Palos an episode whose results are known to all the world at my desire AEL submitted his play to my uncle Adolf and even in his critical opinion it was remarkable for its Lively and characteristic popular scenes on the other hand a love romance which he had woven into the plot struck me as unnecessary and dull in addition to a brief Chorus for some Moors who were expelled from Granada to be sun on their departure from The Familiar Home Country in a short orchestral piece by way of conclusion I also dashed off an overture for my friend’s play I sketched out the complete draft of this one evening at maa’s house while AEL was left free to talk to her as much and as loudly as he liked the effect this composition was calculated to produce rested on a fundamental idea which was quite simple yet startling in its development unfortunately I worked it out rather hurriedly in not very carefully chosen phrasing the orchestra was to rep present the ocean and as far as might be the ship upon it a forcible pathetically yearning and aspiring theme was the only comprehensible idea amid the swirl of enveloping sound when the hole had been repeated there was a sudden jump to a different theme in extreme panimo accompanied by the swelling vibrations of the first violins which was intended to represent a Fatam Organa I had secured three pairs of trumpets in different keys in order to produce this Exquisite gradually Dawning and seductive thing with the utmost niceties of shade and variety of modulation this was intended to represent the land of Desire towards which the hero’s eyes are turned and whose Shores seem continually to rise before him only to sink elusively beneath the waves until at last they soar in very deed above the Western Horizon the crown of all is toil in Search and stand clearly and unmistakably revealed to all the Sailors a vast continent of the future my six trumpets were now to combine in one key in order that the theme assign to them might re-echo in glorious Jubilation familiar as I was with the Excellence of the Prussian regimental trumpeters I could rely upon a startling effect especially in this concluding passage my Overture astonished everyone and was tumultuously applauded the play itself however was acted without d a conceited comedian named lwig Meyer completely ruined the title part for which he excused himself on the ground that having to act as stage manager also he had been unable to commit his lines to memory nevertheless he managed to enrich his wardrobe with several Splendid costumes at ael’s expense wearing them as Columbus one after the other at all events Abel had lived to see a play of his own actually performed and although this was never repeated yet it afforded me an opportunity of increasing my personal popularity with the people of magur as the Overture was several times repeated at concerts by special request but the chief event of this theatrical season occurred towards its close I induced Madame schroer deand who was staying in leig to come to us for a few special performances when on two occasions I had the great satisfaction and stimulating experience of myself conducting the operas in which she sang and thus entering into immediate artistic collaboration with her she appeared as des deona and Romeo in the latter role particularly she surpassed herself and kindled a fresh flame in my breast this visit brought us also into closer personal contact so kindly disposed and sympathetic did she show herself towards me that she even volunteered to lend me her services at a concert which I proposed to give for my own benefit although this would necessitate her returning after a brief absence under circumstances so auspicious I could only expect the best possible results from my concert and in my situation at that time it’s proceeds were a matter of vital importance to me my scanny salary from the mberg Opera Company had become altogether a luery being paid only in small and irregular installments so that I could see but one way of of meeting my daily expenses these included frequent entertainment of a large circle of friends consisting of singers and players and the situation had become unpleasantly accentuated by no small number of debts true I did not know their exact amount but reckon that I could at least form an advantageous if indefinite estimate of the sum to be realized by my concert whereby the two unknown quantities might balance each other I there for consoled my creditors with the tale of these fabulous receipts which were to pay them all in full the day after the concert I even went so far as to invite them to come and be paid at the hotel to which I had moved at the close of the season and indeed there was nothing unreasonable in my counting on the highest imaginable receipts when supported by so great and popular a singer who moreover was returning to magur on purpose for the event I consequently acted with Reckless prodigality as regards cost launching out into all manner of musical extravagance such as engaging in excellent and much larger Orchestra and arranging many rehearsals unfortunately for me however nobody would believe that such a famous actress whose time was so precious would really return again to please a little mager conductor my pompous announcement of her appearance was almost universally regarded as a deceitful maneuver and people took offense at the high prices charged for seats the result was that the hall was only very scantily filled a fact which particularly grieved me on account of my generous patroness her promise I had never doubted punctually on the day appointed she reappeared to support me and now had the painful and unaccustomed experience of Performing before a small audience fortunately she treated the matter with great good humor which I learned later was prompted by other motives not personally concerning me among several pieces she sang bethoven Adelaide most exquisitly wherein to my own astonishment I accompanied her on the piano but alas another and more unexpected mishap befell my concert through our unfortunate selection of pieces owing to the excessive reverberation of the saloon in the hotel the city of London the noise was unbearable my Columbus Overture with its six trumpets had early in the evening filled the audience with Terror and now at the end K Boven SCH slacked Bay vitoria for which in enthusiastic expectation of Limitless receipts I had provided every imaginable orchestral luxury the firing of Cannon and musketry was organized with the utmost elaboration on both the French and English sides by means of specially con constructed and costly apparatus while trumpets and bugles had been doubled and trebled then began a battle such as has seldom been more cruy fought in a concert room the orchestra flung itself so to speak upon the scanny audience with such an overwhelming superiority of numbers that the latter speedily gave up all thought of resistance and literally took to flight Madame schroer Deen had kindly taken a front seat that she might hear the concert to end much as she may have been inured to Terrors of this kind this was more than she could stand even out of friendship for me when therefore the English made a fresh desperate assault upon the French position she took to flight almost ringing her hands her action became the signal for a panic-stricken stampede everyone rushed out and Wellington’s victory was finally celebrated in a confidential Outburst between myself and the orchestra alone thus ended this wonderful musical festival schroer Dean at once departed deeply regretting the ill success of her well- meant effort and kindly left me to my fate after seeking comfort in the arms of my Sorrowing sweetheart and attempting to nerve myself for the moros battle which did not seem likely to end in a Victorious Symphony I returned next morning to the hotel I found I could only reach my rooms by running the gauntlet between long rows of men and women in double file who had all been specially invited thither for the settlement of their respective Affairs reserving the right to select individuals from among my visitors for separate interview I first of all LED in the second Trumpeter of the orchestra whose Duty it had been to look after the cash and the music from his account I learned that owing to the high fees witch in my generous enthusiasm I had promised to the orchestra a few more Shillings and six expenses would still have to come out of my own pocket to meet these charges alone when this was settled the position of Affairs was plain the next person I invited to come in was Madam gotalk a trustworthy Jewish with whom I wanted to come to some arrangement respecting the present crisis she perceived at once that more than ordinary help was required in this case but did not doubt that I should be able to obtain it from my opulent Connections in lipick she undertook therefore to appease the other creditors with tranquilizing assurances and railed or pretended to rail against their indecent conduct with great Vigor thus at last we succeeded though not without some difficulty in making the corridor outside my door once more passable the theatrical season was now over our company on the point of dissolution and I myself free from my appointment but meanwhile the unhappy director of our theater had passed passed from a state of chronic to one of acute bankruptcy he paid with paper money that is to say with whole sheets of box tickets for performances which he guaranteed should take place by D of great craft Mena managed to extract some profit even from these singular treasury bonds she was living at this time most frugally and economically moreover as the dramatic Company still continued its efforts on behalf of its members only the Opera troop having been dissolved she remained at the theater thus when I started out on my compulsory return to liick she saw me off with hearty good wishes for our Speedy reunion promising to spend the next holidays in visiting her parents in dresen on which occasion she hoped also to look me up in lipick thus it came about that early in May I once more went home to my own folk in order that after the abortive first attempt at Civic Independence I might finally lift the load of death with which my efforts in magdeburg had burdened me an intelligent brown poodle Faithfully accompanied me and was entrusted to my family for food and entertainment as the only visible property I had acquired nevertheless my mother and Rosy succeeded in founding good hopes for my future career upon the bare fact of my being able to conduct an orchestra to me on the other hand the thought of returning once more to my former life with my family was very discomforting my relation to MAA in particular spurred me on to resume my interrupted career as speedily as possible the great change which had come over me in this respect was more apparent than ever when Mina spent a few days with me in leig on her way home her familiar and genial presence proclaimed that my days of Parental dependence were passed and gone we discussed the renewal of my mberg engagement and I promised her an early visit in resden I obtained permission from my mother and sister to invite her one evening to tea and in this way I introduced her to my family Rosalie saw at once how matters stood with me but made no further use of the discovery than to tease me about being in love to her the affair did not appear dangerous but to me things wore a very different aspect for this love Lorn attachment was entirely in keeping with my independent spirit and my ambition to win myself of place in the world of art my distaste for lipsig itself was furthermore strengthened by a change which occurred there at this time in the realm of Music at the very time that I in magur was attempting to make my reputation as a musical conductor by thoughtless submission to the frivolous Taste of the day Mendelson bartholdi was conducting the Gowan house concerts and inaugurating a momentous epic for himself and the musical Taste of lipick his influence had put an end to to the simple ingenuousness with which the leipsig public had hither to judged the Productions of its sociable subscription concerts through the influence of my good old friend pollins who was not yet altogether laid on the Shelf I managed to produce my Columbus Overture at a benefit concert given by the favorite Young singer Livia Gart but to my amazement I found that the taste of the musical public in leipsig had been given a different Bend which not even my Rapture sleep applauded Overture with its brilliant combination of six trumpets could influence this experience deep in my dislike of everything approaching a classical tone in which sentiment I found myself in complete Accord with honest pollins who side good naturedly over the downfall of the good old times arrangements for a musical festival at desau under Friedrich Schneider’s conductorship offered me a welcome chance of quitting lipick for this journey which could be formed on foot in 7 hours I had to procure a passport for 8 days this document was destined to play an important part in my life for many years to come for on several occasions and in various European countries it was the only paper I possessed to prove my identity in fact owing to my evasion of military duty in Saxony I never again succeeded in obtaining a regular pass until I was appointed musical conductor in Dresden I I derived very little artistic pleasure or benefit of any kind from this occasion on the contrary it gave a fresh impetus to my hatred of the classical I heard Beethoven’s Symphony in c minor conducted by a man whose physiognomy resembling that of a drunken sder filled me with unconquerable disgust in spite of an interminable row of contrabass with which a conductor usually coets at musical festivals his performance was so expressionless and anain that I turned away in disgust as from an alarming and repulsive problem and desisted from all attempts to explain the impassible Gulf which as I again perceived yawn between my own Vivid and imaginative conception of this work and the only living presentations of it which I had ever heard but for the present my tormented Spirits were cheered and calmed by hearing the classical Schneider’s oratorio absolum rendered as an absolute burlesque it was in Desa that Mina had made her first debut on the stage and while there I heard her spoken of by frivolous young men in the tone usual in such circles when discussing young and beautiful actresses my eagerness in contradicting this chatter and confounding the scandalmongers revealed to me more clearly than ever the strength of the passion which drew me to her I therefore returned to leig without calling on my relatives and their procured means for an immediate journey to Dresden on the way the journey was still performed by express coach I met Mina accompanied by one of her sisters already on the way back to magur promptly procuring a posting ticket for the return journey to lipic I actually set off thither with my dear girl but by the time we reached the next station I had succeeded in persuading her to turn back with me to Dresden by this time the mail coach was far ahead of us and we had to travel by special post chase this Lively bustling to and fro seemed to astonish the two girls and put them into High Spirits the extravagance of my conduct had evidently roused them to the expectation of Adventures and it now behoved me to fulfill this expectation procuring from a Dresden acquaintance the necessary cash I conducted my two lady friends through the Saxon Alps where we spent several right married days of innocent and Youthful gayet only once was this disturbed by a passing fit of Jealousy on my part for which indeed there was no occasion but which fed itself in my heart on a nervous apprehension of the future and upon the experience I had already gained of womenkind yet despite this blot our Excursion still lingers in my memory as the sweetest and almost sole remembrance of unalloyed happiness in the whole of My Life as a Young Man one evening in particular stands out in bright relief during which we sat together almost all night at The Watering Place of shandow in glorious summer weather indeed my subsequent long and anxious connection with Mena interwoven as it was with the most painful and bitter vicissitudes has often appeared to me as a persistently prolonged experation of the brief and harmless enjoyment of those few days after accompanying Mina to lipick when she continued her journey to magur I presented myself to my family but told them nothing of my Dresden Excursion I now braced my energies as though under the stern compulsion of a strange and deep sense of Duty to the task of making such arrangements as would speedily restore me to my dear one’s side to this end a fresh engagement had to be negotiated with director Beth man for the coming winter season unable to await the conclusion of our contract in lipick I availed myself of Lobby’s Presence at the bats and Kasen near nberg to pay him a visit Lobby had only recently been discharged from the Berlin Municipal Jail after a tormenting inquisition of nearly a Year’s duration on giving his parole not to leave the country until the verdict had been given he had been permitted to retire to Kasen from which place he one evening paid us a secret visit in Leipsic I can still call his will beone appearance to mind he seemed hopelessly resigned though he spoke cheerfully with regard to all his earlier dreams of better things and only to my own worries at that time about the critical state of my Affairs this impression Still Remains one of my saddest and most painful Recollections while at Kasen I showed him a good many of the verses from my Lee best forbit and although he spoke coldly of my presumption and wishing to write my own labretto I was slightly encouraged by his appreciation of my work meanwhile I impatiently awaited letters from mberg not that I had any doubt as to the renewal of my engagement on the contrary I had every reason to regard myself as a good acquisition for Beth man but I felt as though nothing which tended to bring me nearer to mina could move fast enough as soon as I received the necessary Tidings I hurried away to make all needful Arrangements on the spot for ensuring a magnificent success in the coming magur operadic season through the tireless munificence of the King of Prussia fresh and final assistance had been granted to our perennially bankrupt theatrical director his majesty had assigned a not inconsiderable sum to a committee consisting of substantial mberg citizens as a subsidy to be expended on the theater under Beth man’s management what this meant in the respect with which I there upon regarded the artistic conditions of magur may be best imagined if one remembers the neglected and for laoren surroundings amid which such provincial theaters usually drag out their lives I offered at once to take a long journey in search of good operatic singers I said I would find the means for this at my own risk and the only guarantee I demanded from the management for eventual reimbursement was that they should assign me the proceeds of a future benefit performance this offer was gladly accepted and in pompous tones the director furnished me with the necessary powers and moreover gave me his parting blessing during this brief interval I lived once more in intimate commun Union with Mena who now had her mother with her and then took fresh leave of her for my venturesome Enterprise but when I got to leipsig I found it by no means easy to procure the funds so confidently counted on one in magdeburg for the expenses of my projected Journey the glamour of the royal protection of Prussia for our theatrical undertaking which I portrayed in the liveliest colors to my good brother-in-law Brock House quite failed to Dazzle him and it was at the cost of great pains and humiliation that I finally got my ship of Discovery underway I was naturally drawn first of all to my old Wonderland of bohemia there I merely touched at Prague and without visiting my lovely lady friends I hurried forward so that I might first sample the Opera Company then playing for the season at carlbad impatient to discover as many talents as I could as soon as possible so as not to exhaust my funds to no purpose I attended a performance of LA D blanch sincerely hoping to find the whole performance first class but not until much later did I fully realize how wretched was the quality of all these singers I selected one of them a bass named graph who was singing gaveston when in due course he made his debut at magur he provoked so much well-founded dissatisfaction that I could not find a word to say in reply to the mockery which this acquisition brought upon me but the small success uccess with which the real object of my tour was attended was counterbalanced by the pleasantness of the journey itself the trip through AER over the fitel mountains and the entry into broid gloriously illuminated by the Setting Sun have remained happy memories to this day my next goal was nberg where my sister Clara and her husband were acting and from whom I might reckon on sound information as to the object of my search it was particularly nice to be hospit ably received in my sister’s house where I hoped to revive my somewhat exhausted means of travel in this hope I reckoned chiefly upon the sale of a snuffbox presented to me by a friend which I had secret reasons to suppose was made of platinum to this I could add a gold signate ring given me by my friend Apel for composing the Overture to his Columbus the value of the snuffbox unfortunately proved to be entirely imaginary but by pawning these two Jew tools the only ones I had left I hoped to provide myself with the bare necessaries for continuing my journey to Frankfurt it was to this place in the Rin District that the information I had gathered led me to direct my steps before leaving I persuaded my sister and brother-in-law to accept engagements in magd Burg but I still lacked a first tenor and a soprano whom hither to I had altogether failed to discover my stay in nurg was most agreeably prolonged through a renewed meeting with schroer deant who just at that time was fulfilling a short engagement in that town meeting her again was like seeing the clouds disperse which since our last meeting had darken my artistic Horizon the nberg operatic company had a very limited repertoire besides Fidelio they could produce nothing save da schweer family a fact about which this great singer complained as this was one of her first Parts sung in early youth for which she was hardly any longer suited in which in addition she had played adnam I also looked forward to the performance of Da schweer family with misgivings and even with anxiety for I feared less this tame Opera and the old-fashioned sentimental part of emiline would weaken the great impression the public as well as myself had formed up to that moment of the work of this Sublime artist imagine therefore How Deeply moved and astonished I was on the the evening of the performance to find that it was in this very part that I first realized the truly transcendental Genius of this extraordinary woman that anything so great as her interpretation of the character of The Swiss Maiden could not be handed down to posterity as a monument for all time can only be looked upon as one of the most Sublime sacrifices demanded by dramatic art and as one of its highest manifestations when therefore such phenomena appear we cannot hold them in too great reverence nor look upon them as too sacred apart from all these new experiences which were to become of so much value to my whole life and to my artistic development The Impressions I received at nberg though they were apparently trivial in their origin left such indelible traces on my mind that they revived within me later on though in quite a different and novel form my brother-in-law Wolfram was a great favorite with the nurmberg theatrical world he was witty and sociable and as such made himself much liked in Theatrical circles on this occasion I received singularly delightful proofs of the spirit of extravagant gity manifested on these evenings at the in in which I also took part a master Carpenter named low man a little fix set man no longer young of comical appearance and gifted only with the roughest dialect was pointed out to me in one of the ins visited by our friends as one of those Oddities who involuntarily contributed most to the amusement of the local wag LW man it seems imagined himself an excellent singer and as a result of this presumption evinced interest only in those in whom he thought he recognized a like talent in spite of the fact that owing to this singular peculiarity he became the butt of constant justest and scornful mockery he never failed to appear every evening among his laughter-loving persecutors so often had he been laughed at and hurt by their scorn that it became very difficult to persuade him to give a display of his artistic skill and this at last could only be affected by artfully devised traps so late as to appeal to his vanity my arrival as an unknown stranger was utilized for a maneuver of this kind how poor was the opinion they held of the unfortunate Master singer’s judgment was revealed when to my great amazement my brother-in-law introduced me to him as the great Italian singer labash to his credit I must confess that lman surveyed me for a long time with incredulous distrust and commented with cautious suspicion on my juvenile appearance but especially on the evidently tenor character of my voice but the whole art of these Tavern Associates and their principal enjoyment consisted in leading this poor Enthusiast to believe the incredible a task on which they spared neither time nor pains