It’s Only TV… But I Like It – S02E01 – 2000/02/24

10 friendships put to the test they’re relying on you they need confidence I’m definitely going to they need trust Mark takes everything he stay they need one another I’m not going to let them light down each person can win it or lose it for everyone so team to show it to you

Take sides for friends like these Saturday at 6:30 on Bbc1 back for new series a show not to be taken too seriously now on BBC 1 in wides screen it’s only TV but I like It hello and welcome yes welcome to a brand new series of its only TV but I like it that’s right we’re back for a second series you’re surprised we’re now coming out of the same Department that handles all the really big budget shows so this Series has been made with the5

Pound leftover from Gorman Gast on ITV there have been those agenda setting documentaries Neighbors From Hell Builders from Hell decorators from hell and of course the upcoming dentists from Leicester elsewhere Chris Evans lived up to his promise every Friday to give away a million viewers and of course there’s still Last

Of the Summer Wine or as it’s now known one down three to go I’m with the show and I’ve been told that the captain of our first team has to be introduced according to the strict guidelines imposed on us by section 28 so please welcome newly wed pipe smoking

Lifeboat Manning father of nine Julian Clary our second team captain can be introduced under the slightly more lack section 29 ruling so please welcome the limp wristed cake decorating flower pressing YMCA visiting keting feather dusting Julie gar and loving fan of musical theater that is Essex born screamer Phil juus

Joining Julian’s team this evening is Adam Wickett ex Coronation Street star Adam he’s currently pursuing a career as a singer and he’s also famous for his washbed stomach his nut cracking biceps and his can opening penis according Tov Adam has a tendency to sleepwalk has trouble with his joints

And once had a brush with bulimia once had a broom which I thought was anorexic but it turned out it was just naturally that shape just had a high metabolism also had a sponge that was suffering from water renion completing Julian’s team from changing rooms it’s Lawrence lell and Bowen during the recent recording of changing rooms Lawrence famously made a couple cry nothing to do with the design he inadvertently bricked in their youngest daughter and he’s creating a bit of television history for tonight making Julian look like the butch one that’s Julan alongside Phil jupitus we have none other than alria Johnson I have been reliably informed that ela’s childhood ambition was always to be an air hostess since then she’s been on quite a few pilots and she still gives away complimentary peanuts Ora once spent a night in a

Brixton cell for Charity she managed to raise 4 ounces of snout a bar fruit nut and hepatitis B and finally completing Phil’s team let’s raise an eyebrow and please all say ding dong to the Magnificent Mr Leslie Phillips ladies and Gentlemen Leslie was famously reported as being surprised to find a porn shoot going on in his home in itha while he was having 40 Winks as Winks he’d only just got his head down before they came across him in the living room M get on with the show our first round

Is based on those classic TV moments we all cherish in this round teams I’ll show you three seemingly arbitrary pieces of TV footage which are in fact Clues to a classic moment of British television your task is to find the story that links the three of them

Phil’s team you can go first can you piece together the item of TV trivia connecting these three clips Nothing beats a good workout Henry and nothing beats a great smell of Ruth oh yeah Blacky on R 33 Splash on for the Body Beautiful Jesus Christ Superstar opened at London’s Palace Theater in 1972 and became the longest running musical of all time they were bicycles Kevin Keegan and

Jesus Christ Superstar any thoughts no I think Kevin Keegan was um I believe he dropped some of his three three on his 2 two none of us know what that means but as ever it’s just a delight just the thought of seeing Kevin Keegan and and Henry Cooper naked make

You go Christ on a bike there’s a very specific moment of TV I’m looking for you very specific moment specific let’s have Julian do you have any thoughts well the the cycling is quite an old film isn’t it um I once mounted a chopper in the 70s and um oh we’re

Back as for the After Shave you ever had a brute Splash on your washboard uh no thank you you like one no I’m something to look forward to I was reading your thing on the internet said you looking for a girlfriend yeah have you not found one no not as yet no

Isn’t that awful it’s all this time you’ve been looking no I sort of did briefly have one but it split up before Christmas Adam Julian would take you out looking for one I think you’ll he’ll get one as well it’s to do with Jesus Christ Superstar and that that program is

Called superstars with the cycling thing was in superar and Kevin Keegan once was on it and I believe fell off his bike you know what you are absolutely bang on the money let’s have a look and on the line Kevin Keegan Keegan on the inside van Vince the other soccer play and Keegan

Wobbling a little bit there at the start trying to put a lot of pressure on he’s wobbling all over the track V spin is just about a halfway up at the moment and Keegan still wobbling coming to the first pen and Van bims comes across and Keegan’s gone Keegan TS the back wheel

And he’s gone across the track on his back covered in dust that is a terrible crash it was of course the moment when England manager Kevin Keegan toppled from his bicyle on the 70s sporting contest Superstars gigan’s career has had its ups and downs over the years in

1991 he was famously assaulted when he fell asleep in a lady boy in Kent sorry they should have read a layby in Sor Julian’s team now can you tell us what celebrated TV moment connects these three clips I’ve always been a bit of a dog and a lot of a w and the bone is right because it’s got all the things that it should have and a good crunch and it puts everybody else off Milk will never now The the ingredients were some boy scouts Jimmy savil and milk shake and P I just point out please that the boundaries of taste are there for you to ignore it’s funny you should say that cuz I was convinced that was actually a large packet of mates

M is that the size you buy them in then I actually know the answer though but you can oh you do is yeah it’s um he some boy scouts wanted to do a dare to see if they could eat like a McDonald’s on a sort of big old uh Court screw

Thing so he dared them to go on a roller coaster and they went on the milkshake one all over the face it’s absolutely white you are white let’s have a look at that clip 5 4 3 2 1 That is fantastic on it I can watch that for hours I’m so proud that fat kid would not stop eating and at the end of round one I see that Phil you have no point so far my f must try harder Julian you’re triumphantly in the lead already with magnificent Six we’re now going to show our teams three acts who appeared on talent shows many years ago one of these acts is still working and this season he’s playing at six hotels in Jersey with a one-day cruise to France it’s the team’s job to work out which one it is our

First turn goes under the improbable stage name of Steve Roxton he appeared on opportunity KNX in 1978 drink drink his teeth look the same as his um accordion keyboard got the black bits in the right place hair is cut like a medieval Warrior’s helmet Theone he’s not the ACT it’s the woman behind operating it act number two is an all girl trio who chose to call themselves C presumably after rejecting the names crack dope and methodone they appeared on the David essic Showcase in 1982 and Leslie you may want to put your

Special glasses on for this one that s on the bird high up in the Tre s the bright colors of the rain Stars magic Above you just join us that was a special broadcast of the channel 5 news I think they’re still working but they’re not singing if any we had the cash your final Act is called kry Meadows Carrie appeared on new faces in 19 76 which coincidentally was the year of the drought is

Born and all this is happening waiting waiting for one child black white or yellow nobody knows but a child that will turn tears to laughter hate to love War to peace and everyone to everyone’s name and pain and so who is still working from that lot is it accordion Ace Steve Ron the

Man with the bamboo teeth is it smack last scene I’m told being delivered to an Arab Gentleman by the concur at a top London hotel or is it Kerry Meadows otherwise known as the grazing area for the Anor advert cows and I can’t believe she’s not better um

Phil you want to go first this the accordion fell I liked his cheeky stylings but I I think it’s obvious that that that that that’s just a side act he does he’s obviously spends the rest of his time in an iron lung and he’s just breathing let do you have any thoughts

On this or you just Eno I did I had quite a number of thoughts the the one one strong thought was that girl who’s kneeling down I’m sure I’ve seen her before that’s from another angle yeah oh I think I’ve seen them actually um on hotel rooms have you yeah those S of

Channels up to the do you watch do you do you enjoy pornography when you’re away from um well yeah it’s fine and do you do you um do you pay for it to go on your hotel bill or do you like me change channels quickly before the time I can’t

Actually do that if if you flick back before the writing comes up you got to time it just right I watch it cuts back and you’re watching rol Harris with his hand up a dash down and it’s no good spoils a beautiful moment you can learn from us youngster thank

You I think there’s a lot of call for that kind of act in in the north there is they he do get a lot of work that man and I I in fact think that’s would you like to speak that’s scary um would you like to have a good my back passage one

Day merciful Heaven my goodness me will you bring your roller with you please let’s stop now before we get on the pebble dashing joke shall we I’m going for Steve where was Steve roon the rocking s of Steve roon Phil’s team you’re going to go with

Number three you’re going to go with kry Meadows yeah okay and you’re going with Steve Roxton you happy with that yeah yeah yeah okay Julian’s right it’s Steve Roxton by the way congratulations on what must be the finest breast in Show Business thanks very much you Steve was good enough to send us

This personal Message well hi there Jonathan yes I’m still in the business fulltime here in beautiful Jersey at the top hotels and uh it just goes to show quality lasts I like the fact that he posed at the beginning in front of his Mercedes to show us yes I’m successful of course he’s successful he

Plays at the top Hotel okay at the end of that round it means that Phil’s team are still stuck with zero points nothing for you guys but Julian’s team have rumped into the lead with with nine magnificent Points okay I think it’s time for us to move on to our next round which we lovingly call masks at my command Phil and his team will each Dawn a pair of attractive velcro goggles upon which Julian will attach one of three TV face marks of his choosing all belonging to a

Well-known show so if you guys would please put your goggles on are you goggled don’t talk about your tits or something honestly I’ve already gone Blind when you’re ready Julian if you would go down there please and uh the object is for Phil’s team to try and find out who they are by asking Julian Adam and Lawrence the right questions Julian’s team can all only answer yes or no to the question if they manage to

Guess with no help for me they’ll pick up the full Five Points however they will lose points for any extra Clues I have to give them okay Phil’s team start asking the questions and try and work out who you are are we are we a current

Affairs show no oh we all from the same show yes we love have I got long hair no quite the opposite in fact I have short hair are we uh are we on BBC One no I don’t really know who you two of you

Are know who is are we all male yes yes we’re all male we’re all you lot here’s a clue I’m going to give you a clue you were one of the first programs involving vets oh oh all creatures great and small oh so close so close I’m going to give you another clue

One of you would not have been so popular if you’d been called Just For example Mr darjiling that’s a perfectly good clue PG tips with monkey please will you do me a favor hold a mo in front of Lizzy’s mouth check his breathing are you waiting there lesie yeah I’m just getting terribly

Bored give us your answer who do you think you might be I don’t think you idea daring I have no idea I don’t know about t time I don’t know about vet well you know it was quite a tough one but you should have got it here you go I’m going

To give you the answer time your times up it is of course The A Team take Mr T VA baras and Hannibal you were Hannibal from the 18 what’s that got to do with vets Vietnam Vets oh that’s not who dream this one up Julian Ste if you’d care to Dawn your

Goggles Phil if you will now transform each of them into the famous face around you go film any chance of us getting a point well you know if you you were I think you were pretty close to the 18 thing what if I sleep with you you wouldn’t sleep a

Wink it’s a popular choice would that I could Adam welcome to show business are you ready guys start your questioning now please um so are we a daytime television program oh yes indeed are we drama no you’re not drama is it a soap opera no no no no is it British is

It ever is it for children yes oh yes good guess kind of so are we cartoon characters no well no no look damn silly from here I’m going to give you a clue in a minute you have a guess we’re fully rounded three-dimensional characters MH yeah gra

Hill gra Hill NOP here’s here’s your first clue one of you appeared bear when you all look at me at the same time it’s really terrifying are we and Pandy I’m sure you’ve been accused of that many times I’ve always weathered the storm only by cow Smiley I another clue then please

Another clue okay she the last clue since you’ve been gone since you’ve been gone I’m out of my head can take it w yeah yeah everybody all right just the girls oh oh oh are we White Snake that’s right you’re white snake it up no I know it’s it’s that g

Off uh rainbow yeah you’re rainbow well done you get just a one point take off your mask Are We R Jan and Freddy you’re Zippy George and bungle well good guessing Adam there when Rainbow ended in 1992 the animal Stars went their separate ways bungle the bear is now dancing in a Russian

Nightclub Zippy is working in a BT call center and George the Pink Hippo has been ground down for a Korean aphrodiziac and at the end of that round I see that well Phil ala Leslie you’re doing well you’ve got no points Julian du to that superb detective work you now wuming into the

Lead with 10 thank congratulations now channel hopping that he combination of theme Tunes props and the always unamusing art of mine Julian’s team will go first um Adam alance off your Trot thank you very much when Julian presses his remote everyone but Julian will hear the sign to tuned

To a well-known show because Julian will be wearing these specially customized soundproof headphones okay let me give you those Julian thank his teammate’s job is to convey to him the identity of the show in question Julian headphones on you have 90 seconds to identify the five shows whose theme Tunes we will

Shortly hear but you will not let the channel hopping Commence um name X Files yeah well done absolutely [Applause] Correct don’t knows I can’t see anything What on that One get it quick the first one the first One I’m I’m the wiser I’m going back to Five yes it’s well done you got it Agony Agony there you go very good okay Phil your team are in place now uh there’s the remote control for you here are your especially constructed headphones cuz you’re a big fan of the of the cartoons I believe that Bart

Himself is here with us we’ve spared no expense and when you’re ready if you get the control you know the rules start hopping now monkeys oh brother oh the the fast sh yeah well done I don’t know how you got [Applause] That I could watch this one all Night is that it the ribbon spinny twirly blonde show yeah that’s the one Phil ever decreasing circles well done two out of two pick them up Here uh uh Ready Steady no Gardener [Applause] World neighbors yeah neighbors three out of three come on you do it In the sky high in the sky say what you [Applause] see come on is it my brother-in-law Stag Night lesli’s cheered up that’s it you out of time there well done though you got four out of five very good work very good work you should be very pleased wow that was good work so the scores now stand at Phil’s team of uh well they’ve made some Headway there you

Have four points junor Co still way ahead there with a magnificent 12 our final round brings into sharp Focus the white hot Crucible of competition that does Blaze so fervently between the Raz a sharp mind you see before you Leslie wake up it’s a quick fly round called who said that teams I’ll be reading out the first part of some well-known phrases uttered by

Certain TV characters or personalities your job is to identify as many as possible fingers on your buzzles please who said this yes the cowboy outfit Phil it is the bloke that’s running the Millennium time now now Mr Ben well he’s right number two well that’s the last time I played

The tart for you Jerry The Good Life um Mrs Adams no not Mrs Adams pelic Keith in the good life I’ll give you that oh no I can even do Margo give us a bit of Margo no I can’t do you mean you

D I can’t go that and you left in a sort of Baro Renaissance style imagine someone goes out there for one minut stand you wake up you’ve been completely restyled I went to see was we in pajama so woking up I’m done up in wallpaper you supply the booze and we’ll

Supply the bird bag push I wish you Adam Terry and June Terry Terry and ter and J you get it from the photograph this time next week I could be the center spread of the pig breeders Gazette Vanessa Felts that’s going to be cut out don’t worry this is the BBC for God’s

Sake just said no it’s not Kendall yes it was Felicity Kendall who played Barbara in the good life very well done some of you may be curious to know what I am doing in a high stack wearing a top hat and a call SC what was the ACT is it Jean Paul

Gotier no not much great guess that bloke from alo alo yeah one from Alo I’ll give you that cup of Splash Trinkle when you’re w ready it’s the woman at my local Fertility clinic I wonder why we lost Pete Bill Pete bill it was Pete bill but I’m

Afraid you’re too late you came in after the final buzzle yes Pete bill that’s why I went well that’s why I turn the R into w at the end no one speaks like that and all that means that the final scores this evening are wait for it

Please Phil or we Leslie you have six points hurah you can’t win them all while Julian and these Brave boys stomp off in the distance like peacock showing you their tail feathers with 20 written all over them that was it only TV but I like it please remember there’s only 11 more egg

Buying days till Pancake Day we leave you with reminder of the early on screen talent and raw professionalism that got Orica Johnson where she is today thanks for watching goodbye um I’m enjoying it just as much as I did last night want to say that did I know anyway otherwise and this

Afternoon will re 11 C oh dear oh that was interesting that way Jonathan’s also on Radio 2 every Saturday morning at 10: joined this week by Julian Clary