No. 73: Series 5: Programme 1: 2.2.85 ‘Hot & Cold’
Live from Maidstone
Dawn Lodge: Andrea Arnold
Neil Buchanan
Harry Stern: Nick Staverson
Ethel Davis: Sandi Toksvig
Thanks to:
Frank’s Tanks
Duncan Hamilton
Hever Castle
Captain Maurice Seddon
Noddy Holder & Jim Lea of Slade
Supersleuth played by Colin Daly of DPR International
Gudrun Ure (Supergran)
And the Kids
Film:
Roman Around
Band:
The Stranglers
Sandwich Quiz:
Supergran v Noddy Holder
Script Associate:
Peter Corey
Original Deviser, Executive Producer:
John Dale
Associate Producer:
Tim Edmunds
Producer:
J. Nigel Pickard
Director:
Michael Kerrigan
TVS Production
© 1985 Television South plc
Hey hey get ready get on your feet get into gear and hit the streety get moving it’s not too far you looking good SC as you are hey you never know what you see when you through that door with a 73 never seen nothing no not like this
Place never be no no way never know never seen no place nowhere similar not like 73 hey you get ready get on your feet get into gear and hit the street it’s you that we want to see so get down to 73 get down to 73 hey you get down to 73 bang on time I was afraid you’re going to be late as we’re opening half an hour earlier than usual I had to set my Donald AR alarm especially for those of you haven’t been before my name’s Ethel and this is my house number 73
Well I say my house but I have to share it with loads of people I’ve just had to open it up as a bed and breakfast actually if you’re ever in the area it’s one of the best bed and breakfasts around we got all the facilities hot and
Cold running water in all the rooms unfortunately not out of the Taps but today no vacancies we have got a full house I’ve got Harry and Dawn as usual Neil’s dropping in he said he’s got one of his projects he wouldn’t say what it was he’s keeping it on ice do you know
Even the Box room is full I’ve got ndy and Jim from Slade staying and Harry’s filled up the sell with some kind of uh business reps or something I don’t know so I better go and get ready did you think I put on a load of weight hang on a second
Coming hey Julius Caesar are you impressed well you will be when you see our film roaming around a Roman epic with a cast of thousands starring just four of us Harry Dawn Neil and myself and I’m very excited cuz this morning is the premere it’s cold out here eh uh why
Don’t we uh why don’t we go inside it’s it cold enough to freeze a brass breastplate on come on we’ll go in and see what’s going on oh dear I’ve locked myself out try the doorbell oh it’s it’s not working well um Harry I should I go
Around the back if I was you Harry oh careful it’s heavier than I thought watch you careful here we go oh hello good to see you again hang on I’m just going to sort this out hey are Duncan over here oh by the way this is Duncan
Hamilton he’s going to be doing a carving out of this block of ice say hello mate ah good morning uh where do you want it Neil uh just over here oh no well maybe he’s not going to do a carving out of this block of ice
I’m sorry about that mate have you got any more in your van yeah uh not to worry I think we’ve got a couple outside I think we better go and get one see you later hey mind you suppose you could say that’s uh one way of breaking the ice Yeah morning oh well that’s off to a good start nice to see you again hey long time no see he well talk about Oh What a Beautiful Morning everything’s going my way well I woke up the Sun was shining the birds were singing I got
Donald Duck all ready and set to roll on the projector and with me favorite bowl of cereal and frozen milk fine well nothing around here changes does it and know of you AR we got all these people coming you fix the doorbell yet yeah I put new
Batteries in there last night D I told you it’s not the batteries sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t well bit like me really isn’t it I threaten it all to take itself up the job center myself it’s the electricals oh yeah well come on let’s not have a dingdong yes
This all the milk’s Frozen look at that let’s not have a dingdong about this this is more important Dawn what your finger why have you hurt it then well actually yeah I got a little splinter in there no no there oh hello nice to see you actually you’ve come on a really
Good day cuz we’re really busy so if you don’t mind we’ll get on Harry projection scream down in the cell I’ve looked in the cellar it’s not there no well it’s in a box marked shuttle Cox you see oh I was looking under Christmas decorations
I’ll go and get it then shall I would if I were you AR going to go and get washed yeah I would if I were you and while you’re at Harry stop using my cotton buds are expensive go on go on anything else anything else go on go
On oh Dam H my hand I’m freezing out here goodness me somebody must be having quite a drinks party do you know I blame this entire thing on Harry if he’ fixed the front doorbell that I had asked him to I could have got in the front door if
He wasn’t lazy and had got up early enough he’d have unlocked the back door I could have got in the back door what am I going to do I don’t want the neighbors to see me dress like [Applause] this I have just thought of the most convenient way of getting in excuse
Me careful that’s it I don’t know why we didn’t use this in the first place it’s much easier I just bring it into the middle we go that’s that later that’s it just hang on mate I’ll just go and check with eel that it’s okay to use the yard okay
It’s lock don’t tell me they still in bed hello hello I bet you the still in bed tell you what let’s go around the front and ring the doorbell hello that’s good hello colder than I thought either that or the mice are doing bolero do you think this is long enough
Hello is it me you’re looking I wonder where you are oh hi I tell you what I don’t do tirant I tell Ito is anyone going to get that let make your look decent anyway hello hello Oh get it sh nice to see you call me shot all right then Colin say good morning good morning D you know what I mean oh good morning all you got done with the competition then yeah I got me up to go in the lounge all right great yeah
Should I put the kettle on thanks Colin yeah did you get the bus all right yeah no problem at all who was it love s SLO oh great morning SLO morning aric I tell you what he’s got a competition for you this year better than ever between you
And me the lucky winners are going to San Francisco nonetheless which can’t be bad can it one minute one minute what on Ethel’s Alco does this mean to say that Miss Ethel Davis is running around this house with nothing on o oh oh it doesn’t bear thinking about does it I I’ll get
It what’s oh you are mate come on now it’s gone 10:00 and you haven’t even unlocked the back door by the way this is Duncan Hamilton dun Hamilton wait for down there mate I’ll go and check with Ethel little okay e Neil Neil what close your eyes I think Ethel’s running around with
Nothing on fine hey a waste of time anybody run while I was out run oh at least I’m still laughing I found Harry’s kite you know I haven’t seen this kite since that summer one we oh oh my goodness that’s did you see Harry doing his ablutions hasn’t he got
A funny way of cleaning his all that reminds me did you hear the doorbell ring while I was out there was either that or ringing in my ears I’m beginning to think this is something personal I’m going to go and have one last chance of
Getting in get a nice of chill BL off that in the new I’ll come added my kite get down here probably came down the ladder oh oh very funny Neil very funny you get on with the job H I tell you what that Neil he’s always stringing me along stringing me
Along get it I tell you what there’s something very very funny going on around here Ethel Ethel won’t miss Donald Duck for the world and yet she’s running around with no clothes on and no one know where knows where she is I can’t make it out still I know where
Donald Duck is he’s here and at least he’s got his clothes on and if he didn’t it’d be a plaque that wouldn’t he actually did you know that Donald D was 50 years old last can you can you hear me Hey hang going to set mate oh I’m getting covered here oh War racket hey reminds me of the local rock bander used to be in there listen it’s bril you have to do the whole thing with the chainsaw well really it’s just the first bits you know that we take the initial stages
Taking out the the big pieces of ice that we don’t want well couldn’t you just use an ordinary saw when I first started a few years ago I used to have um uh this saw here see uh it’s a hand saw it’s a lot more work perhaps you
Like to try can I have a go yeah what should I do just in the yes just just just just start soaring there you see how difficult it Is I think it’ll stick to the chainsaw mate yeah I would so okay you’ve got the big bits out now when you want to do the detail on the sculpture what what other stuff do you use well the next thing um this is for really rough roughing out this this big chisel
So can I have go yeah have a good right well just down there just down there that’s lovely it’s easier than I thought you know well it’s a very sharp chisel you know it’s quite soft it’s like butter isn’t it I thought it’d be like
Woodwork where you have to S to tap it quite different yes it’s it’s not too difficult is this a special sort of ice or is it just your normal B water in the frge this is this is clear ice that’s a crystal ice that’s specially made for
Sculpting you know it takes six days and six nights to make the size joking yeah that’s right all right we’re talking about sculpting what are you going to do for us I think we’ll just wait and see what happens you going you going to keep me in suspense well whatever we’re doing
Can we take it in there cuz I’m absolutely Freez out here isn’t it it is a bit won’t it melt if we go in there then um no no no no this it’s a big piece of ice it’s got at least 6 hours you know once it’s finished and it’s still
Looking good but you know that piece of ice would last even two days you’re joking so you’ve got time to do the job let’s take it indoors mate I’m freezing but whatever you do Duncan please don’t drop it this time oh that’s try not to very interesting but stop it all right
Look I know it’s stupid it’s just that well the neighbors are beginning to make fun of the way I’m dressed I just had Mrs Miller’s kids chasing me down the street screaming dalc dalc I swear I’ve heard that doorbell go I’m going to make it ring that’s okay it’s not working for me
But I’m a very calm person as you know and I’m going to be very collected about this why you love 797 56 it is see these people are going to come up to the door and think that the doorbell’s going to work for them and of course it isn’t and then they
Think Harry’s going the door and he’s going to go hello NY Jim come on and by the time I come out from behind the bush the door will be shut and I won’t be able to get in rather rather like that actually you know I really do think this is something
Personal e eth what are you doing I’m uh I was standing around the bush why are you standing behind a bush cuz I’m dressed as juliia Caesar why are you dressed as Julius Caesar cuz we made this film we’re going to show it in the
House but I can’t get in why can’t you get in well cuz every time somebody comes out they don’t see me well why don’t they see you probably cuz I’m standing behind a bush why are you standing behind a bush cuz I’m dressed as Julia Caesar ar e you are stupid I’m
Stupid you’re the ones talking to a bush so you just put the water the water in the mold and like Jim another all right lad how are you doing okay to see you all right mate nice to see you um you want a cup of coffee cup of coffee magic yeah what’s
This about your drama Don getting into trouble dressed up as a prisoner right yeah he got locked in his ball and chain on the convict Serv in the video I bought the video show let’s have a look at the this is the new single is it it’s
A good single yeah let’s have a is it one of these ATI crafting AV on guard AV yeah definitely that’s a very good word how many sugars do you take mate 72 sugars 72 sugars really yeah w w w to tell the truth you’re old enough to
Be a dad she a she want you to she can entain and everything is free I can tell you always where a sh for a pretty face theight you’re home only I’ll be there to take your place cuz now that you remember of something outside
It’s number one 2 3 4 5 6 7 yeah can you control the bch 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 can you [Applause] Control you tell the wife another business trip abroad it’s getting too much you better not touch what you canot afford I know it’s my big business and I’m seeing it on and I know that you were over she told you your best you better believe
She say the same to me rest cuz now that you remember I’m a little bit on the side is number one 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 here can you control the bch 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 You really video great video a it do you know what I adore Dave Hills guitar playing do me a favor next time you see him tell him I’m coming up for a jam definitely tell him we’ll tell him you look like you’re ring a lot F we had a
Lot of fun with our lovely ladies yeah oh hard work oh hard work and that that’s taken from an album is it this yeah it’s taken from our new album which will be out in about 3 weeks rog’s gallery rog’s gallery now can you spell yet tell me how that how’s that SP
Gallery spelled properly spell the right way cuz in the past on the singles like come on feel the noise that c was F cuum cuz I love you Luv was did that become a trademark it all came off lavry walls the way kids used to write on the walls
At school really is that and you used as a trademark use it as a trademark yeah tell me you’ve been in the business for 20 years have you got any anything to commemorate that Jim’s got something to commemorate had a biography written about us we thought it was about time we
Bought some down for the rabble at 73 is this for us for us rabble only just I can take reading lessons from this actually you out read long words there’s no long words good and this is to commemorate your 20 years in the business is it out in the book
Shop yes in all the shops in good book shop tells all the truth all the truth now tell us anyone going into the business is there any advice you’d give them to stay together for 20 years oh it’s very difficult there’s lots of different uh things you got to look into you know
Certainly on the business side of it you got to get a good accountant for a star a good accountant is that the main way to yes so out of all your old old singles is there anything that you’d revive again specifically for video far farther away far farther away from the
Film flame and is there any particular bands that you like their videos any three that you like three alltime favorites Queen Bohemian raps that was the one that started it all that was a goody yeah Durand Duran wild boys of late that was a goody zey top top that’s
Is that new one now that was the last one that the last one not bad excuse me a second there’s my version well my version of I sculpture please don’t be rude aric B it in the freezer compartment will you I can’t do that look at that honestly you know eth’s
Particular about what goes in her fridge especially that that’s off that mate I’ve beening art that is Art I’ve been looking for eel to ask her but I can’t find her anywhere where is she I haven’t got a clue I hav’t got a clue how this works Colin well it’s quite easy really
You just put it up at the top there and secure it on the top like that ah you’re so clever Elementary my dear dor what’s this you’re going to show me then well I’m going to show you some pictures of last year’s winners of Super SU competition when they went to New York
City who the pictures well the kids took some of them look that’s nice let’s have a quick look at them they’re quite quite fun really put the old machine on here and there are there’s the first shot this is outside the Hilton in London they take pets there do they well not
The pets it was the kids who stayed at the Hilton you know before they fly flew off to New York the next morning and here we are going over New York City how about that for a prize yeah that was and they were met by the New York police who
Took them downtown with lights flashing horns going you and showed them all the sites of New York City really was fantastic here’s some of them look there we go they saw all the sits of San Francisco from helicopters and what have you and really had an exciting time and the next
Shot is of the baseball game you did a lot didn’t you well they really did have a tremendous tour you know of the whole of the state of New York City ah food good is it Colin well as you can see the hamburgers and hot dogs are right around
This world a bit on the big side you know and then the next one was the uh the sort of fun that they had where’s this well that’s again in the baseball game and they just been a tremendous home run stuck in and cheering and stuff yeah got carried away with
It and then that was our parting shot that looks fantastic well it really was I’ll bet you were sad to leave weren’t you well we were the New York Press said it was a holiday of a lifetime yeah where did this year’s winners go then well this year they’re going to
California California yeah California what’s store for them there well British Airways have arranged for them to have a really super time they’re flying it up and they’re going to stay at the San Francisco Hilton oh lovely have they gone on any trips well they’re going to see the Golden Gate Bridge they’re going
In helicopter over the city they’re going in a police launch they’re even going to to Alcatraz Alcatraz that’s a funny sort of present well it is and they’re going into punishment DB Block O but we’re going to help them escape from that because we’ve got a rather special
Trip where we’re going to show them where gold was first discovered in California this sounds good how you enter this competition let me find a pencil okay well what you got to do is to get hold of an entry form like this okay and you’ll see on the back you’ve
Got the number 73 door and my dad sha Taylor that’s right but the idea is you’ve got to answer 20 Questions they’re on Law and Order crime prevention that sort of thing I’ll give you an idea look here’s question number two you know try your luck here it says
Who started the first detective force in England any ideas no well I’ll give you a clue the Bow Street Runners you remember reading about those how do you find out the answers to these questions well the idea is you go the police might be able to help you with your inquiries
Or your school teacher mom dad you know the enyclopedia that Gran got you for Christmas or whatever you know you’ve got to sleuth around that’s what being a super sleuth and a detective is all about you got to find out what’s this wild card business well the wild card
That’s something even extra later on we’re going to talk about that another day but another kid is going to win their chance of a trip to San Francisco as well so we’re going to have five kids going to California lovely all you have to do is answer 20 Questions well it’s a
Bit more to it than that dwn look I show you on the other side here we’ve got what they’ve got to do is fill in this part and send it back to British hairways you see so they put in here the age group they’re in right the post code
Exact post code and they even get a priz for that if they get it right and it’s clear and everything else they put their name their address the school and they’ve got a crime prevention slogan here this sounds great give us the address of the competition the address
Is super slth competition yeah British Airways West London terminal yeah w84 Cromwell Road London sw7 4 Ed great I’ll get stuck into that then well you’re far too old you’re far too old this is only for kids between the ages of 9 to 14 I wish you’d told me earlier
Don’t door bell I shouldn’t bother ringing that doorbell if I was you you’re not going to get in you’re much better off coming up the ladder into the box off uh box room window with me okay who are you anyway we’re in Insurance life insurance oh you’ll be
Those nice business reps Harry’s put in the cellar yeah we’re from slip strangled life insurance policies what you coming up the ladder with me oh climbing ladders can be dangerous for your health yeah you can break your legs you know oh well uh perhaps you better
Sell me a life insurance policy you then well I just happened to have one here for you just sign it we’ll fill in the details for you oh that’s smashing come out the letter then dear know I’ve had a terrible morning I have been up and down
This Lev like the proverbial yoga any life in here who wants know we do I believe it there another window how fellas why is it that the doorbell rings for them and it doesn’t ring for me ring that’s it what I’m going to do is I’m
Going to go down to the corner telephone and I’ll ring up and say that I’m locked out perhaps I can get a lift let’s see hello would you like a lift H that’s very kind of you but I was rather hoping to go in a car you see it’s freezing
Cold out here and I don’t want to catch a cold my dear you won’t get cold with me I invent and make electrically heated clothing of all kinds incling gloves who are you I’m captain Mar s how do you do well how do you do I’m Ethel this is my
House number 73 Captain s you got to be serious about this heated clothing because you know I’ve been freezing all morning what are the gloves in if they’re heated well they’re plugged in here and they’re heated all over look so what are these electric wires that you’ve got here well the wiring
Generates heat and keeps the hands beautifully warm and that’s plugged into the electrical equipment on the bike there is the socket and the plug yeah and there is the switch it’s all labeled so you’ve got the labels for all different parts of the body that’s right
Foot and what’s this one here body yeah legs hands what’s the one for the nose the nose that’s for the heated breathing mask it goes over the face over the nose and mouth and protects against empyema and bronchitis so I’m going to be a bit personal now you I know we’ only just
Met but uh have you got wires going all over your body I’m wired all over really did you invent this yourself yes I invent and make heated clothing for every part of the body heated vests heated pants the vests have long sleeves heated tracksuit trousers and tracksuit jackets that is extraordinary but the
Place that I really get cold is my feet ah have you got something for that yes I show those what sort of people would wear these well these are used by creative artists by Sportsmen by uh wheelchair invalides by the elderly the infirm by people like me who want to
Save a great deal of money on fuel and energy by heating their bodies and leaving their houses cold you luse a lot this energy well what happens if you get wet if you get wet nothing at all you’re wet and you’re beautifully warm it’s like having your hands or your feet in a
Bowl of warm water all you need is something to cook your dinner on while you’re going along well we’ve even got that believe it or not I’m not I think I probably do actually well here is the gadget an electrically heated cooking pot which Cooks the food as the bike
Runs along the road I should I should put your gloves on it’s cold out here good idea listen you couldn’t give me a lift down to the local cool box yes of course I will that would be Splendid you see I’ve been locked out all morning I
Just pop that away in your P if can I put this helmet on yes you put that on BL heated cooking pot keeps the food as you go long you can stop and have your food even though all the cafe are place can you start your bike up yes why did
You think of it in the first place well I tell you what let’s push it down here out the way cuz the neighbors hate the sound of the motorcycle let’s push it away and uh there we go and we started up a bit cuz I’ve had terrible trouble with 75 e
Eth oh she’s really going round the bend you know oh no she’s not she’s not she stopped at the lights better go after her see you in a bit Hey all right mate if you won’t tell me what it is that you’re going to carve Now give me a clue and tell me some of the other things that you’ve done well um we’ve done lots of swans they seem to be a favorite over the years done lots
And lots of swans for special occasions you know weddings things like that have you done any famous weddings um yes we did one for Nick rhods you know Janan Duran Duran yes we did a flamingo for him oh gr yes with some lovely seashell at the side very nice and what lots and
Lots of things uh icy things like polar bears I do a polar bear in white ice and standing on a clear ice base we’ve also made a huge igloo 6t in diameter 5 ft High weigh 2 and 1/2 tons it’s a bit like this house sometimes in the winter
Neil Neil mate you’re never going to believe this you know I’ve Just Seen Ethel going up the road on the back of somebody’s motorbike dressed as Julia Caesar what’s a motorbike doing dressed as Julia caesar no no the bike wasn’t dressed as ether was dressed as Julia
Cesar you’re right mate I don’t believe you Neil this is serious first of all they stopped at the lights then I thought I could catch them up then they went again then they sto and I thought I could get them up again AR cool down mate you’ll melt the ice now tell me
What’s the problem well the problem is is that everybody in the house right I promised they could see the big film roaming around right eth’s meant to be delivering the big speech and she’s halfway on her way to timbak too fine what do you mean fine all Neil please
Just tell me nothing else can go wrong well suppose a projector could always break down oh great oh you’re such a power listen why don’t you go and check it out run a cartoon fine actually this cartoon’s pretty apt for the situation Road Runner oh God ah the
Blind who’s going to make the big speech then you I’ll do it yeah I’ll do it friends Roman countrymen I’ve heard that before someine no thanks to you Neil now then what have I got to do check the seating arrangements if Ethel doesn’t arrive make a speech yeah give us a hand
Will you you want a hand yes please I don’t believe you I really don’t believe you they had that away can’t be Callin yeah fine D yeah no no I’ll don’t have some sense will you girl that’s never going to be enough seats what do you mean I counted everyone in the house
There’s 18 people and there’s 18 what about ndy what about the B are you do with what are you doing with the chair I’m putting it down the front what cuz it’s my chair why should you have the best chair cuz I’m the usherette what oh what sort of answer is that D
You don’t see usherettes in the local Cinema take the best seat do you well you should they’re on their feet all day anyway Harry listen I’ve got it all sorted okay we’re can have four at the back 1 2 3 4 two there slide ND and Jim
One two Colin one stranglers here 1 2 3 good B that is it Strang as ey great tell you what though it’s a good your Beth is now here I think I know what that is yeah I’ve sust it butterfly very very close but not quite but it’s not a butterfly all right if it’s not a butterfly whatever it is
Isn’t it bothering you that it’s just going to melt away no no not at all because you see these aren’t for keeping these are just for special moments you know special occasions so um that doesn’t bother me at all it’s making it that’s nice once it’s on the table
That’s it it’s finished I’m finished with it then you see so what about when you do it for I mean something like a wedding doesn’t it bother you that it’s just going to melt away in front of people’s eyes no because you see the thing is that once it’s in its position
Because it’s melting and moving it’s not a static thing it’s it’s it’s ever changing you know what do you have at the beginnings excuse me oh okay fine I’ll get it ma 6 o hello hello who’s that yeah you’re who yeah I’m Arab okay y hang on
It’s one of the kids from down the road what’s the problem y why is eth riding on a back of a motorbike dressed as Julia Caesar I don’t know you know we were trying to figure that out ourselves now I know why she’s dressed as Julia Caesar but I don’t know about the
Motorbike but as far as the uh the roman armor is concerned we shown a premiere of our film today roaming around so she’s dressed up for the occasion oh great can I come and see it what you want to come and see the film yes yeah
Sure pop along can I bring CL of course you can listen we’re going to show it later so why don’t you pop along and say what two or 3 minutes okay great okay y’ see you later okay go that’s two more for the film probably three more maid 6o phone
Box hello it is 10:46 precisely I didn’t know the speaking clock could phone you up Neil this is Ethel Ethel you’re the speaking clock I tell you what give us some of those Pips you give me the PIP I’m standing here dressed as an oversized sardine tin
While Morris is outside cooking soup in his Piers oh no he’s driven off he’s left me standing here as Julius Caesar uh Caesar don’t get your toer in a Twist right that’s it I’ve have been locked out all morning this is war she Slamm the phone down oh no you
Don’t think it went over the top do you right that’s it that’s it I’m going to have to run the film now I’m going to have to oh you’re not going to sh without e I’m going to have to the band are getting restless in there about the
Opening speech oh no I found what she’s got prepared and so well I suppose I’ll have to do it a I tell you what she’s not going to be too happy you know I’ve just add her on the phone and she’s declared war on the house what yeah I
Well listen I can’t worry about that where’s all the film snacks she’s got prepared oh they were lovely thanks you’ve eaten them all well not all of them Neil there’s one left I don’t like sh Dr what the matter with you mate eh that might be e now I hope so I tell
You hi girls have you brought e with you come in girls they’ve come to see the film no e that means I’ll have to make the Speech I apologize I apologize about the great delay we will run the film shortly we’re just about ready to see the film but before we do I just want to say watch really really carefully because I’ve got this little competition worked out which I’ll tell you all about afterwards so keep
Your eyes filled take it away AR thank you Dawn um firstly I’d just like uh say one or two things that mainly in fact that the person that should be here in my shoes is sadly no longer with us well she’s she’s with not no yeah anyway
She’s on the back of somebody’s motorbik somewhere so anyway this is uh this is Ethel speech please be seated dressed as I am as Julius Caesar know I I I I think you can tell that I’m bit of a history buff actually Buff’s
Not a bad word for it get on with it AR all right now all right this time my attention has turned to Roman history not many people realize that there is three missing weeks in Roman history so what so what oh so no sorry so what about these three missing weeks our film
Starts somewhere in in a British school oh somewhere in a British school room where the teacher Mrs higginbottom has just explained that she has written a book about the three missing weeks so without further Ado it gives me great pleasure to tell Dawn to turn the lights
Off oh oh no sorry um Dawn turn the lights off without further Ado it gives me great pleasure to announce Roman around [Applause] [Applause] What did happen Miss yes what did happen well I’ve written a small H book on the subject called Roman around in those days three men ruled the Roman Empire pus grus and Caesar Caesar had been away in Britain for 10 years whilst pompus and grasses ran things in Rome about
This time the Ordinary People of Rome or plans were beginning to complain about being ruled by the aristocracy and buus and classes as rulers had many Wes the hustle and the bustle of the Roman marketplace the sights this sounds smells obious right right this place is nothing but an open sewer now come now CR us well look over there I declare the sewer open how do he feel drained see what I mean we shouldn’t
Give the Ordinary People to vote we should give them theant hes well Cloud over anyway the ordinary people don’t want the vote it’s my servant obsequious he’s happy with his work aren’t you OB yes sir yes sir I’m I’m a slave to my over work I’m a slave to this work well
Just a slave actually the Ordinary People L to us for guidance on all sorts of things like art for example here out of my way go away now then that’s better very nice don’t miss that the people only want to know where their proper places who is it and yes exactly they Respect
Power they respect our generosity just temp save me life what do you think I am made of money kind I thought you were made of money I am I lied to her and they respect our intelligence excuse me boss boss kind of generous leaders of the Roman Empire pompus cres
Sunshines out of your care yes sir about your intelligence you were going to the high priestesses you just walked past it that was deliberate oh could you deliberate on something other than my head please now before we make a sacrifice to the gods for the success of
Our Venture let’s go of the details again where are the plans first first of all no one must see these plans now how long has he have been away 10 years can you remember what he look Alik no can anyone remember what he look like no
Exactly so if we get hold of the slave until everybody is seesar they would ever believe us if we make the slave into the emperor we would have somebody strong strong to control the people and we would own the emperor now here’s the beautiful part even if the
Real Cesar came home no one would believe him but that’s evil yes fun isn’t it it’s going to be trouble or I’m a Dutchman Amsterdam hello High Priestess most sacred and virtuous Maiden precious and campus compass and pous pampus crosses pass the crumpets thank you my two favorite rulers by a yard
Drink it certainly is we’ve come to make a sacrifice good because if you hadn’t you’d have come to the wrong place sorry big lunch where over there I was just about to eat it now then what would you like to sacrifice bulock goat little Wiggy piggy wiggy have a goat this Way oh Gods here I play are they sacrificing again I do wish they wouldn’t it plays hell with my Asma what is it this time it’s a goat I think well beats last time what was it two Hamburg ERS and a hot dog it’s pompas and CIS they want to play some
Kind of trickle Caesar where is he by the way Britain I think shall we take a look at him nothing else to do Thunder clamp yeah I’m singing in the way just singing in the way what a glorious feeling just a moment h happy again I’m
Glad to hear her happy again you miss Ro yes of all the places I’ve been over the hills and far away it’s no place like Worm but I’m worried I’ve had no letters from pompus and quas hard the lady in the post for two years something’s a
Foot it’s that thing at the end of your leg I’m not sure I trust them do you know last time I saw them my toga caught far and they just stood there saying toga toga burning bright still chin up my fine freckled friend now where’s this world going to straight through here I
Like that do you know why cuz I’m a straight guy building a straight road straight through there eh hey straight through that house what but the people inside will have to be evicted I’ll have to tell them myself cuz I’m a straight guy building a straight road straight
Through their house I’m going to go straight down there straight through the door and tell them straight you got to get straight out of here what a straight gy but there’s one thing I must do before I go what’s that get out of this hole will pomus and CIS hit on the right
Slave to be the new emperor or will they continue to hit on obsequious will the teacher ever get this book published is this the end of the road for Caesar find out all this much much more in next week’s enthralling episode of [Applause] Roman [Applause] now youve probably noticed there’s quite
A few characters in the film and they’re all played by me Neil Harry and Ethel now what I want you to do is write and tell me who you think played obsequious who was the servant and clus the bad guy if you think you know write to number 73
PO Box 73 Maidstone Kent and don’t forget it can only be me Neil Harry or Ethel and the first right one out of the bag we’ll get a bottle of Ary shampoo well that’s expens no we’re send we’ll send you something really special from the house so don’t forget we want to
Know who played obsequious and crus for instance if you were watching carefully you’d have noticed that Caesar was actually played by Ethel actually it’s a pity a miss the film it you think do you think she’s really declared war on us or what nah what can she do she’s so bleming little is’t
She Right fire it will actually just far the front Door Hey hey y I guess she did mean War something tells me she’s not so little I think we better go and check the rest of the house I think we better have thanks Frank Frank’s tanks a thanks very much for helping me out well it was a bit Frank Perry and these are his
Tanks look at this one this is fantastic is this an exact replica of a real tank exactly World War II Jackson yes a tank destroyer actually destroys things wow and all the detail is correct is yes well all this stuff here where did you get all these sort of things from well
They’re action M bits and it started with a picture and a bit of wood and finishes up like this after six or seven or eight months and what is the basic body buil out of oh it’s all timber for wood but how much maneuverability have you got on these things well they’ll
Do they doing anything right who stop the wall there used to be 25 of them but they’re we’re all finished now used to be a club but and you used to get together and do what sort of things do battles uh yeah World War II battles that sort of thing you
You couldn’t do me one last favor could you uh please one last shot just over there for me well we don’t we don’t like doing these come one last go anywhere over there that would be Lov thanks very much oh um sorry Mrs Miller St oh what
Me you’re never going to believe this she’s trying it out on Mrs Miller’s house now I don’t believe it how the sculptures they’re all right no thanks to wear hey what do you think of it that is excellent Dam give it a 12 give it a
12 so they can all see that is brant watch it don’t take off it’s a very Regal evil it’s good is it look at the hair different color and everything it’s kind of like GL well how do you feel after spending all that work on it to
See it dripping before your eyes it’s part of the charm actually it does look quite good it’s lovely though he actually welded the head on didn’t you yeah it’s different type of eyes white ice because I wanted the head to be white uh onto lovely Crystal you can
Weld yeah listen never mind that mate if you think that’s good have a look at my version I’m sorry I can’t it’s a lion I used a mold one of those plaster molds put some water in it put it in the freezer and that’s what came out not bad
If you think that’s good have a look at the door hey hold on is this good oh oh oh are you all right M I re she did let’s get this out the way first what do you mean that’s that is excellent 73 door I tell you what Mrs
Miller could do with this to replace her door now couldn’t she about the summer oh yeah not very doorbell someone at least the doorbell super Grand great how are you I’m fine I arrived just too late so I was coming to help you and look what’s
Happened I should and all that noise I know well come in it’s it’s open yes notice a notice hey super Grand’s here do the one on the Telly that’s right y d how did you know my name was D ah well I have special powers tell Don how you got
Your special powers ah well that’s a funny I just brought along this we tape so you could both have a peep and see some of my special H so nice to see hurry up come on please oh don’t worry relax super granny is here on with the tape Come on Willie oh we cannot go you sit in bed this morning useless but you can’t marry her Mr Max that super Gran ah she’s a super weak granny all right ball here youring great banana oh would you listen to her voice like a weed night and [Applause] Gale Blinking battleships what’s going on bag pipes at this time of night Jack you’re n she herey half wet hark she speaks and those dulet tones send we Shivers D my spine what a vision is she oh buzz off will you the Queen Mother loves the sound of the bag pites below her bedroom
Window too I will take your raet off to her and Dead before you tell us whether you get off with him or not tell dor how you got your superpowers oh well that’s the inventor black he had this marvelous invention she and it went straight out the window hit me in the back and Wham there I was super duper I bet you’re
Envious tell us what happens yes isn’t He Lovely oh he’s so glamorous and so Amorous and he really pursued me you can hear the pipes and he sang and he did that lovely D you have a lot of trouble with him then no know he’s lovely but
Tell her who you do have trouble with you have to like that sort of thing oh the ban of my life is scunner Campbell with a name like Campbell what else could you expect tubs tell and tubs and he’s got two henchmen to boot that poy
Lad what is his future going to be scanner Campbell he really is the scourge of chislet just the end the pits I call him what about the tell about the bicycle yes did you like that that that’s part of inventor black you see inventor black does these inventions and
I have a sh at it before anybody else does because he’s never really sure if they’re going to work and the great thing is you see that I get these inventions and with the inventions I can pursue the scunner and foil them in his evil ways isn’t it
M one there’s a lovely one a skimmer which you may not have seen and it goes along the ground and it skims over the water and flies like the bicycle the bicycle I can only go on you see but the skimmer I’ve got some friends like an inventor black and my grandson Willie
Inventor PS We Ed of the black family that’s the we girl with red ha oh actually you got skates yes I’ve got skates and a skate yes I noticed those skates didn’t I and how’s about that bit of tart sneaky you must have was coming second she’s almost as busy as you isn’t
She really no no D oh God you thought that she was bad before that’s nothing compared you really going to wind her up now you know I’m a guest it’s okay and I’m hungry I take no responsibility who pulled the house call him him look go
And sit down you come and stand over here now things have gone from bad to worse this morning so we are going to be very serious now and we’re going to do daring dazzling death defying dull devastatingly dangerous electable delices divinely decate sandwich quiz okay welcome another exciting of
The sandwich quiz before we start could I ask our hostesses with the hostesses to bring up the [Applause] train I’d love them to stay but the sandwich quiz isn’t that long okay could I have your name please Noby to you no thr the be and your name please super
Grand super Grand well let’s hope we’re going to have a super sandwich quiz May the best person win okay grabbed your knives what I want you to do is I’m going to ask you an open question either of you can answer if you think you know
The answer bash your h on the table and we’ll have a go see if you can win a piece of bread okay hope you’re going to play this is at home right name three people with the surname Smith three people with yes John Smith yes Harvey Smith and mmith absolutely
Right very good indeed well that’s a pie bre there now you have to hold on here super gr because I’m going to ask a filling question not and see if he can get a whole sandwich or a round that’s around to him okay I want you to pronounce your name backwards
Uh red red law yeah El yeah I think that I have no reason to doubt that that isn’t absolutely correct so what kind of feeling are you going to have there I’ll have a bit of this green oh my I wouldn’t go into it too much if
I okay hurry up and make your sandwich because you got to have it done by the Tom the next question for it to count that’s around to you okay hope question either of you can answer if you were in New York what time would you have got up
This morning if you in new breakfast time absolutely right one unless go to Harry in which case the banks if the banks are still open he’s got up to too early now then that’s right we’re going to go for a filling question okay say to be or not to be repeating each word
Twice 22 bb or not 2 BB I think that’s very exciting a poti for the whole of Hamlet done I think with all the words repeated twice so that’s around to you and around to you we’re Even Stevens at the moment open question either of you can answer
Hurry up and make your sandwich a plane crashes on the border between two countries where are the survivors buried in the ground no that’s not nowhere nowhere survivors are not buried absolutely little bit of a trick question there okay another filling question for you going to go for another
Sandwich try and say the tongue twister Peter Piper picked a pick a thing you know substituting the letter L for the letter P little Lila licked a lick of lick letter very good yes absolutely AB right no that was very good indeed two have to catch up here’s another open
Question either of you can answer let’s go for a piece of B how many trombones would there be in the famous song 76 Trombones if three of them were ill I think we’ll go to the next 73 of course but I think it was a little bit Even Stevens there what do you
Think how many legs should there be actually on a fo a football pitch at any one time how many legs at any one time two how many 32 no not correct 44 including the ref 46 46 what about the liesman no I don’t think we was what do you say guys
Accept both of them all right we have to give you that one so go piece of bra let’s go for another question what do I want you to do now this is a bit of a dexterity question here I don’t know how physically dexterous you are I want you
To wiggle one eyebrow hang on should I just hold that is he doing just the one hold the other one down that’s it Y what a try okay there I was hold holding a holder eyebrow right open question either of you can answer come on now
Super let’s see if we can’t get you to do this one complete this song title I love you you’re going to M it up is there a song called I love you there must be there must of course there must be most famous words in the history of
Song making okay so you got a piece of bread there we’re going to be very kind and we’re going to make it into a bit of a tomato sandwich so it’s in fact it’s three rounds to two as we move on to front page spread I hope you’ve been
Taking your tabloids because they’re news questions so let’s see how we do we’re going to up the stakes if you get a question right you get to make a whole sandwich make sure you finish the sandwich before I finish the next question or it doesn’t count right first
Question why did Margaret thater feel one degree under this week yes because that F tried to chatter up I should have thought that would make it feel one degree better no that’s not you didn’t like him the the the the rate of the pwn went down no the answer
Question was refused on honorary degree at Oxford so tricky question put one over on me okay open question either of you can answer what pop group is having trouble giving away money from their top 10 hit yes Wham absolutely right it’s Wham involved in a legal battle with Barry
Manalo they think he’s going to win by a nose right so let’s say that’s a sandwich there so how many have we got we’re four to two you’re going to have to catch up okay question which nun had a bad habit this week yes uh the Nuno trying to smuggle
Bees into Africa absolutely right she tried to smuggle 6,000 bees in a beehive under her habit from Greece into Kenya but I believe she’s none the worse of which takes the thing out of it okay so that’s five to two come on now which Rook I hope you going to play
This at home which Rook was rooked last night which Rook was rooked last night J J Jean Rook absolutely right Fleet Street’s Jean Rook was B and Jean I hope you’re all right I’m glad to I’m glad to hear that at least you okay okay so the
S you come on that beig quick otherwise you’re going to lose for goodness sake it’s 5 to three which famous drummer’s son sealed the marriage knot recently yes Ringo Star bring star son Zack starky now got a Mrs starky quickly make a sage okay we are six to3 who
Celebrated that come on superr who celebrated their second birthday with televised breakfast this week yes TM absolutely right oh super having a very good she’ been too busy out having a look at in Inventor black so TV breakfast telling company was in fact 2 years old this week why was Steve Davis
Kissed by a giraffe this week be yes go because the the big giraffe had a baby giraffe and they called it Steve absolutely right new baby giraffe a new baby giraffe Steve Davis emerged at London Zoo right on Q I think it was in fact a snoo q okay which
Wa and that brings us to the end there and I think we can see quite clearly it is I’m afraid 7 to four and that makes nauy holder this week’s sandwich quiz [Applause] winner always sorry super Grand but it’s a real pleasure to have you with us okay
Here we go that was during dling desing dangerous the fin sandwich right now before we go and sachche with the stranglers Harry and Neil go and fix the front door the Rest
1 Comment
slade and the stranglers? why cant i remember all these bands on here when i was a kid!?