The NIGHTMARE continues with a strangely nightmarish commercial break. I don’t mean that the ads are scary, because they’re not. They’re just eerie and offputting in that almost-normal way dreams can be.
For example, here’s an English-accented, gender-flipped Alan Cumming – a character from a dream if ever there was one – inexplicably addressing you straight down the (inexplicably slightly fisheyed) lens about margarine and her mother. Even though you didn’t ask, the connection isn’t exactly, and it’s all ultimately unedifying and ends abruptly without developing a point. Flora: the margarine for you. Moving on from its even stranger (by modern lights) early eighties pitch of being “the margarine for men”.
And now: some old people. Doing a holiday montage in France. Baffled by a Gendarme, cycling around a suspiciously English-looking timbered house, flirting with boring men, examining onions, playing boules. All to a deeply annoying half-baked power ballad and no apparent message or purpose, until finally it turns out to be for National Savings Income Bonds. Which allow you to spend your retirement in luxury, provided you also have a hefty pension.
Next, one I uploaded before. Nissan have finally got their big UK plant in Sunderland fully up and running in one of the few British industrial success stories of the eighties. What’s more, they’ve reached the point where the signature model, the Bluebird, is now being made with 100% British-sourced parts. They’re celebrating this success with this faintly racist tale of stereotypes meeting stereotypes. With the mandatory use of Bert Kwouk (from Shanghai via Warrington) as a Japanese voiceover because whatever, it’s all epicanthic folds, right? Naturally, his “interpreting” is still in broken English.
V.E.S.T.A. Is it for matches? No, it’s ready meals for the inadequate, and a massive burst of further Orientalism. Pretty much all the Edward Said-baiting bases are covered in a none-more-1987 animation full of Chinese dragons, sari’d ladies sporting bindis, trains of elephants, tiger stripes and all the rest. To be fair, Spain get a look in as well with the paella. Vesta were one of the first and most famous names in boxed meals in the UK, and obviously now microwaves were a thing they got something of a second wind. Couldn’t really compete with Birds Eye and Findus, though, but they are still around to this day, still using very basic ethnic signifiers in their packaging, and still deeply unpleasant to eat. Sadly the prawn curry has been discontinued.
Okay, maybe this one’s a little scary. Mr Rottweiler is doing time, probably for murdering Richie and Eddie (although what jury would have convicted him I don’t know). At least they let him have a transistor radio so he can still listen to his Essential Classics cassettes. That is, until the batteries run out, forcing him to burst into the neighbouring cell and steal the other guy’s, on account of he’s using the brand of batteries (Duracell) we’re trying to sell here. Must be a pretty open prison. John Alderton is amused.
Finally, a ballet thing. A 1987-vintage lady – big hair, fluffy bracelets, legwarmers, everything in white with shocking pink trim – eats yoghurt while declaiming to camera, as it’s revealed she’s balancing her arse on the cupped palm of an Alexander Godunov type, because Diet Ski Yoghurt is just that good for keeping weight down. What would be the point in arguing?
I’ve been eating Flora margarine for as long as I can remember but then I have my mom to thank for that Flora the margarine for you let others sit and dream their dreams I’m going to start living mine there’s a world out there we’ve hardly seen come on with me Now’s the Time
Now’s the Time Now’s the Time to taste it Now’s the Time Now’s the Time To Play you and me you and me we was it have of our more and more people are enjoying the benefits of a regular monthly income from National savings income bonds now the time to spend Our maybe Mar have just been out to Japan sh see this Nissan us I better interpret his workmates and he recently visit Nissan factory in Japan for I mean he had to part from his wife for a while pity but I tell what this one got some magic ideas of however
He say that the Japanese did have some clever ideas about making cars sure brought a few of them ideas so they took those ideas home with them I thought a few new ones who were own that Lake and thought of some new ones of Their Own no making their bluebirds better over here
Than the do them now he say suin factory make bluebirds even better than Tokyo and he is very pleased the so are the Japanese the Nan blue Bo new without it Vester meals taste terrific look inviting hey okay tantalizing lick your lips delicious changing tastes very tempting
Full of flavor hot and spicy comes in boxes packed with taste V take a of sparking use ordinary HP batteries for an hour each day and after only about 10 days inside they’re out Duracell batteries however will serve the full term over 30 days hard labor duracel No Ordinary battery looks
Like it or lasts like it when you want to lighten the load diet ski now there’s no fruit yogurt lowering [Applause] Calories
1 Comment
And the Nissan advert features the voice of Tim Healy, a man who, far from being a Mackem is about as Geordie as one can get – and there is a difference.
But again, I expect the "creatives" making the advert were as bothered about that as they were about Bert Kwok doing the "Japanese" voiceover.