Have I Got a Bit More 2023 News for You. Non-UK viewers. A compilation of S66

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Have I Got a Bit More News for You, Have I Got a Bit More 2023 News for You.
A compilation of the big news of 2023. With team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop and a variety of guest hosts and panellists. 22 Dec 23.

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ALL PRESENTERS: Good evening and welcome to Have I Got 2023 For You. My name is David Tennant. I’m Bill Bailey. I’m Mel Giedroyc. I’m Richard Ayoade. I’m Kirsty Young. And in the news this year… ..backstage on Russia’s top satirical panel show,

The guest host begins to lose confidence in the gags for this evening’s performance. UNTRANSLATED LAUGHTER In Richmond, driving past someone who’s broken down, Rishi Sunak spots an opportunity to help a constituent in need. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And just outside Lisbon, it’s the first day of term for the apprentices

At the Cristiano Ronaldo Football School. MAN SHOUTS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE PAUL: Right, yes, now, don’t tell me. IAN: Oh, there’s Prince Andrew. LAUGHTER I think if that was Prince Andrew, the Bible would have caught fire. Is it the Coronation? “Is it the Coronation?” We can only hope. It’s hardly Crufts, is it?

Did you enjoy it? What, all seven and a half hours? Every minute of it. Who stole the show? Oh, Penny Mordaunt. Yes. She was carrying the Sword of State. She had this costume made specially, which is based on the Privy Council. No, this is based on the uniform of the Greek Airlines. LAUGHTER

Or the Poundland logo. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What Coronation item stopped somebody at airport security this week? I know what this is. Come on. It was a piece of cake. Yes! It was a piece of cake and they got stopped at the airport because the Coronation cake, the official Coronation cake,

Had exactly the same density as plastic explosives. LAUGHTER Absolutely right, Chris. Yeah. Absolutely right. I mean, I don’t think that’s something that… You never hear that on Bake Off, do you? “Quite Semtex-y.” LAUGHTER According to chef Robert Craggs… Well, Charles wanted to look good for the occasion. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Where did Harry not appear? There was a picture taken away from the National Portrait Gallery, wasn’t there? It looks like an illustration for the Ladybird Book Of Family Feuds. LAUGHTER I like how they obviously said, “Look, we just want to catch you in a sort of casual thing.”

“Just wear what you’d normally wear.” At least it’s a British uniform. AUDIENCE: Ooh! APPLAUSE I’m just saying. How have a team of chocolatiers honoured King Charles? Oh, they’ve created a bust of Charles. They have, out of 17 litres of melted chocolate. Although when this was first suggested, one unnamed member

Of the royal family was concerned how dark it would be. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Finally, do you want to see an official Coronation mural commissioned by Northampton Town Council? Yes, please. I bet it’s a cracker. Go on, then. LAUGHTER Do we still execute people for treason in this country?

This is the Coronation of King Charles III, a day of pomp and pageantry which we won’t see the like of for, I don’t know, maybe five years. LAUGHTER According to Prince Harry… So even he’s a bit cheesed off he’s ended up with Meghan. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE “Hello. You’ve got another child.” LAUGHTER

The Privileges Committee have found that Boris Johnson did deliberately lie. He lied at the time to the Commons, he lied about lying later, he lied about whether he lied about the lying. He lied at every point, and he ended up calling the committee liars. But he’s gone. He’s gone. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But he’s here tonight! LAUGHTER They did recommend… At least with 90 days he can have one day of quality time per child. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let’s turn to the ongoing Covid Inquiry. Boris has sort of said, “Yes, I will hand over all my evidence.” He’s only handing over his WhatsApp messages from 2021

From when he changed phones. So, yes… Is that right? So a lot of the messages we’re not going to see and the original phone he had, he was on a boat with Rebekah Vardy… LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Have you ever WhatsApp’d Boris? Yes. But in his old phone. I don’t think… LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What did the former chief scientific adviser Patrick Vallance say that Boris Johnson could only hold on to for a bit and then it goes? BOTH: Relationships. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What other evidence will the Covid Inquiry not be hearing? It won’t be hearing from Simon Case. Yes, right. Why’s that? He’s ill.

I don’t know, it’s thing that happens when you’re called in front of an inquiry, you just think, “Oh, I feel terrible.” You’re correct, he’s not going to face the inquiry due to… The medical issue being that he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Boris Johnson was being quizzed about various members of his Cabinet during the pandemic. What did he have to say about Matt Hancock? He supported him. He stood up for him. Did he? Yeah. He said he was… No. Intellectually a table. LAUGHTER Intellectually able? No way. It’s not a glowing review, is it?

It’s like, “Oh, yeah, he’s… He’s capable of thought.” And what’s he doing at the moment? SAS, something to do with the SAS? Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS Who Dares Wins. Yes. Right. Have a look at this. 16 recruits in an inhospitable landscape next tonight, though, as the country’s favourite stars

And Matt Hancock all take part… LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let’s talk about more mad people. Is it Nadine? Yes. Oh! Nadine Dorries, her explosive book. Yes. The plot, which, oddly, is the one thing it doesn’t have. This book is just completely full of things that aren’t true.

But based on interviews with hundreds and hundreds of people in her head. LAUGHTER She cunningly disguises her sources by giving them code names such as… No sign of Q, though, particularly at her book signing. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Don’t know who that is. Did he used to be on Rainbow? No… LAUGHTER

It’s Donald Trump who has been arrested in New York and there’s worse to come. He was arrested over the hush money to the porn… Stormy Daniels, yeah. If she’d been, say, a pole dancer working in Britain… Yeah. Oh, Ian, what have you done? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here he is with his speech after his court appearance. Yes. I did everything right and they indicted me. LAUGHTER “Why would they want to do that?” He’s actually using an English court to sue a former spy, Christopher Steele, over allegations that Trump held orgies and… ..of the watersports variety.

Is he suing them for slander or for telling? Well… I think that’s a good point. He’s not actually suing for libel. No, it’s data protection. It’s a data breach. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE In other news, Joe Biden has announced he will stand again in 2024. Launching his bid to be re-elected as President,

Joe Biden announced a minimum tax rate for the very wealthy, saying… ..or any of the Village People, for that matter. LAUGHTER OK, that’s the National Television Awards. This Morning’s probably winning the award there. And… “My brother’s done what?” LAUGHTER Yes. So this is This Morning where Phillip Schofield

Has had to leave after 20-odd years of presenting the daytime live show. I mean, I suppose it’s always going to be really difficult, isn’t it, you know, when there’s a bitter rift between a much-loved, long-running TV duo. LAUGHTER What’s the secret to your success as a pair?

We don’t talk to each other outside of recording. The only thing I find funny is, as a politician, any time we get into trouble or hit the news, there’s, you know, camera crews outside our door all the time. I haven’t seen any pictures of Phil at all since this broke.

It’s almost like he’s done a runner. AUDIENCE: Oh! LAUGHTER That won’t even make the long one. Won’t even make the long one. Now, I gather he’s no longer on the Prince’s Trust, is that right? He was dropped as an ambassador. Yes. Yes. Because he was unfaithful to his wife. The Prince’s Trust…

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I love daytime telly, don’t you? Yeah. I mean, I love daytime telly, too, but I spent time in jail, so… LAUGHTER Despite leaving This Morning, Philip has stated that he will… ..and they’ll save on the budget because the rink is going to be frozen just by the atmosphere between them.

LAUGHTER He’s still Prime Minister. One year. That’s the next Prime Minister, God. Is it something to do with HS2, by any chance? Yeah… Because they’re following on their policy? Stop the boats and also the trains. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What did Suella Braverman do to upset people? She stood on a dog’s tail.

She stood on a dog’s tail?! You can’t do that! AUDIENCE: Oh! A guide dog. Yeah, but, you know, that’s what Suella de Vil does, you know? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The Greek Prime Minister came over to have a meeting with Rishi Sunak, who then cancelled it and had a complete hissy fit.

I mean, he’s actually known as Tetchy Sunak now. Do you want to see how the Greek media reacted to this? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, let’s have it. Let’s do it. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE For those of us who don’t speak Greek… This is the government that, four days ago, said

“We’re going to change the law over Rwanda.” Yeah. “So that we can ship people – live – over to Rwanda. “We can’t ship some old figures back anywhere, “that would be against the law.” Well, why don’t we just ship them to Rwanda and then let the Greeks deal with them?

Boom! Easy. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What else has Rishi been pushing to the nation more recently? What’s he very keen for us all to do? Maths. Maths. His school has… The school he used to go has a private art collection. I just thought, like, my school had a private art collection,

But it was, like, a cock and balls behind the bike shed. That’s a PRIVATES art collection, isn’t it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I should point out, obviously we’ve been bashing the Tories a lot and in the interest of balance, I’ve been given these special, uh, balancing cards. Yes. Post Lineker.

I have to say, Keir Starmer is a dot-eyed ponce. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It does seem the Conservatives constantly leave a massive open goal and Keir Starmer is just kind of behind it vaping and playing Wordle. LAUGHTER So that was the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool,

Where the most exciting moment was Keir Starmer getting glittered. The protester, no-one quite knows what he was actually protesting cos it was very long and complicated and he was still explaining it as he was being dragged past us. I thought it was someone from Just Stop Strictly. LAUGHTER

Looks like he’s in the cosmos. Yes, it does, actually. The security at Labour Conference was unbelievable. Tory party Conference, there was airport security. Well, then, how did Liz Truss get in? LAUGHTER Someone on Twitter actually pointed out that if Liz Truss lives until she’s 95 years old, then she’ll have spent more days

At the Cenotaph than she did as Prime Minister. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Would you like to see Priti Patel and Nigel Farage enjoying themselves? Oh, no! SONG: I Love You, Baby THEY SING ALONG It’s not often you see a double Nazi salute, is it? Haven’t seen one of those. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

According to the Daily Mail, last year Sunak’s local council approved his plans to build a… Who does he think he is? Captain Tom’s daughter? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Luton Town Football Club have won promotion to the Premier League. What sets Luton Town apart from the other Premier League teams? They’re near Luton.

And their ground Kenilworth Road is quite a small ground and it’s right in the middle of sort of council houses or certainly houses anyway. So you walk almost through people’s gardens, don’t you, to get into the ground? So it’s quite, it’s quite quaint.

So as a consequence, the away fans who visit for matches are going to have to… Through someone’s house at the away end. It’s just your typical two up, 10,000-capacity stadium down. We’re going to stick with football. Why has a statue of former river plate manager Marcelo Gallardo been getting a lot of coverage?

Oh, it’s got to be a bad likeness, isn’t it? He’s got a big head. It makes him look like a pumpkin. It’s not his head. He’s got a knee that makes him look like a pumpkin. I’m guessing it’s his penis, is it? GASPS AND LAUGHTER The original Golden Balls. PAUL: It’s Ian!

That’s very kind of you. Ex-Footballer Gary Neville, he’s come up with an excellent invention. You can never really retire if you love work and you are relentless. But what you can have is mini retirements during the year, and that’s what I’ve tried to do. I don’t do it very well.

So for instance, this weekend I’m going to Spain Friday till Monday morning. I call… That’s the mini retirement. LAUGHTER It’s a weekend. It’s a weekend, it’s a mini retirement. It’s where I basically can say for three days I’m there and I’m basically taking… I don’t think about work. I will, but…

Sometimes my best ideas come when I’m on these types of trips. Then in six weeks, I’ll have another mini retirement for five days or four days. Rather than stop for six months and sort of have a sabbatical. That’s not probably going to happen with people

Like you or I because we just basically don’t work that way. So to have lots of mini retirements during the year, I’ve tried to do in the last few years. I’m not sure I’m doing it very successfully. They’re called holidays! Staying with sport, why was the World Snooker Championship interrupted? Oh, yes. Yeah.

There was a guy that got up on the table and, you know, threw some orange paint around and they had to sort of postpone that particular play. Let’s have a look at it. Well, I don’t quite know what that was for. Oh. CROWD SHOUTS BOOING Terrible, terrible scenes here at The Crucible.

Is that Rob Walker there? He’s got the marigolds on. Go on, Rob. Fair play to him. One of the voices you had there was Jimmy White, who knows a thing or two about hoovering powder off a table. APPLAUSE China’s Ding Junhui was penalised after playing in brown trousers rather than the required black.

He did change from brown to black, but there was quite a delay as first he had to put on blue trousers and then pink ones. In Hartlepool, Keir Starmer’s adviser suggests he should move on after chatting for 45 minutes to a patient who had only come in with an ingrown toenail. LAUGHTER

In Leicestershire, one family successfully trains their pets to tell them when a yoghurt is past its sell by date. LAUGHTER On a morning walkabout in Brighton, Ed Davey realises he may have overdone it with his Lynx Africa. As foodbank usage reaches record levels in the run up for Christmas,

Number Ten devises a plan to make sure local schoolchildren get their fair share. And in Old Windsor, a power-mad local official authorises the demolition of Prince Andrew’s rented cottage. LAUGHTER And so to round two. It’s a new round. It’s the Equation Of News. Find X. Tell me what story it relates to.

Oh, yeah, I know this. It’s a bag of tools that was dropped from the space station is circling the Earth. Apparently, you could see it this week. If the sun was catching it in the right direction you could see the tool bag going across the sky. I wouldn’t make up something like that.

Builders everywhere going, “Oh, I can’t finish it. “Tool bag’s in space, orbiting the Earth.” Do you want to see the moment when it fell from their grasp? I think I do. Yeah. I saw it before, but let’s see it again. There it is. There he goes. Oh. “Oh, shit,” he’s gone. Look.

One tool slip for man. One tool slip. Is that so they can put a, “There are no tools stored “in this space station overnight”? Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. LAUGHTER That robot’s at a really odd height. LAUGHTER Is this the AI conference? Yes, it is.

The man from Google who’s been working on AI for a decade or something has left and said it’s incredibly dangerous. Geoffrey Hinton, the… ..resigned from his job at Google this week. He said… He should try living in Britain. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Which well-known figures are keeping themselves in very good trim?

Who’s looking hot, do you mean? Yeah, we’re going to have a look. Why has he got metal nipples? Well, you ought to ask yourself, Paul, cos it’s you. What?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You want to get a metal detector around those sharpish. It’s an AI-created image of what people would look like

At the peak of physical fitness. And that’s you, Paul, at your physical peak of fitness. Ian, do you want to get ready? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Blimey. Apple have also introduced a modification to its autocorrect function. Do you know about this? Yes. It no longer autocorrects the F-word to ducking.

It’s a bit confused, though, but if you have a garden fete and you’ve got a barrel full of apples in it, you say, “Come along to our fete where you can be fucking apples.” LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah. Will there be a Granny Smith? LAUGHTER Or a Pink Lady? Oh, you’ve been, have you?

LAUGHTER In other news, a T-Rex has been sold at auction. Here it is. The skull came from Montana, the body was dug up in Wyoming and they went all the way to Switzerland to get that lady in the cardigan stuck to that pole.

How much do you think it’s worth? 1.7 million. Bit more than that. Wasn’t Leonardo DiCaprio bidding for it? Oh, was he? It must be too old for him. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What did we find out about Tyrannosaurus teeth? Oh, they were irregular. According to the Sun,

They are not permanently exposed like in Jurassic Park but were actually covered with… Let’s take a look. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DING! BUZZER Yes. This is a rusty pole in Exmouth. It was removed mysteriously. No-one knows where it went. No-one knows who took it. Yeah. And the locals are furious.

They’re furious. It stood on an Exmouth nature reserve since 1909 and according to ITV News, has been… Let’s have another look at the pole. LAUGHTER On TripAdvisor, there is a suggested visiting duration of… LAUGHTER What have locals done as a tribute?

Have they laid flowers in its place? Shall we take a look? Yes. Well, the group would love to see the pole reinstated, but they have found a piece of concrete, at least, which they believe was left behind and may be a suitable base for a plaque in memory of the rusty pole. LAUGHTER

Does it say “rust in peace”? Very good. Very good. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ah, now, this must be the Spurs versus Liverpool game and the failure of VAR to correct a referee’s mistake. Yeah. And I was furious. Were you? LAUGHTER You can see, Ian, what’s going on here, can’t you?

It appears to be football. Yes. See, what it is… This match was played during a partial eclipse of the sun. Half the pitch is in the dark. We’ve actually got the audio… Yes. ..of the VAR room. Yes. Would you like to hear it? Yes. Yes, please. LAUGHTER

I know you feel strongly about it, Ian. I mean… Yeah. He supports Royal Engineers. LAUGHTER And do they have to swear? They are being sponsored by… SwearFred 356. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # No, I don’t care about them all # Cos all I want is to be loved… # Who buzzed? Kirsty? Tattoo. Absolutely.

Tattoo, which was the winning song. This is the news that the most watched Eurovision Song Contest ever was held in Liverpool on Saturday. But I read in the paper that you dressed up as a milkmaid. Oh! Again?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Can I just say, seriously, I was really worried

That I’d underdone it, and I… LAUGHTER That is appalling. I’m amazed you don’t have to pay for that on some obscure channel. Now, this year’s Eurovision was widely thought to have been taken more seriously by the acts. Let’s see the impressive work of a BBC British Sign Language interpreter dealing with Finland’s entry.

# Cha cha cha cha cha # Haluun olla sekasin ja vapaa huolista niinku # Cha cha cha cha cha… # He’s so much better. Some UK pundits questioned the presence of several non European countries in a European competition such as Australia, Israel, and most of all, Britain. BUZZER

Paul? The performance of The Bodyguard, I think it might have been in Manchester where they couldn’t finish the show because some members of the audience got quite boisterous, who might have had a few to drink, who started singing, joining in, and they couldn’t hear, the rest of the audience couldn’t hear

The performer on stage. We can have a listen. See if you can pick out the untrained voices. # And I… SCREECHING AUDIENCE MEMBER: # ..will always love you. # It’s a new theme, isn’t it? I mean, audiences are not being content just to watch.

They want to join in and they’ve had trouble at the Globe. When you say joining in at the Globe… Yes. DRUNKENLY: Now is the winter of our discontent. Made glorious summer by this son of York. This sort of thing has happened at that venue before, apparently.

What have they done to try and stop incidents like this occurring? Was it polite laminated notices? Yeah. Yes! And yet it still goes on. LAUGHTER Where are we headed? Where… Where are we headed? It’s the end of civilisation, isn’t it? This is a story that I saw the other day.

Apparently, somebody has determined that cats have over 100 different expressions. I would like to see each one of those 100 different expressions. I mean, that one’s obviously enjoying a visit to the vet’s. Yeah. They have 270. No, they don’t. Yes, they do. Every cat looks like this. Yeah. Number one, nostalgic. Second, patriotic.

Three, slightly disappointed there’s no fish for breakfast. Four, watching GB News. Five, presenting GB News. No viewers?! So let’s just try and see if we can guess any of these cats’ emotions. Yes. Yeah, OK, absolutely. Number one. Yeah. PAUL: I miss the Bee Gees. LAUGHTER Well, that’s friendly because it’s got its ears

Turned slightly down. Oh, right. OK. Oh, I know that. I recognise that one from my old cat, that expression says, “I’m sorry, I thought that was just going to be a fart.” Why might Chris Packham be relieved this week? Well, he was cleared by the police for… Oh… LAUGHTER

How long has it been against the law to sniff a chick? Yeah. I’ve been doing it all my life. Chris Packham has been cleared of sniffing a bird… LAUGHTER Honestly… I always wondered what the last episode of this show would look like. Chris Packham has been cleared of sniffing a bird.

During an episode of Springwatch, a goshawk chick was… Sounds a bit like my wedding night. Don’t start, you. Why am I getting the blame? Oh, I’ve got a voice in my ear. What? She’s not wearing any earpiece. LAUGHTER Time now for the odd one out round. King Charles, Noel Gallagher,

Stentor and Ross Kemp. BELL Ian. It’s about having a loud voice. Ah, Stentor, is that where stentorian comes from? Stentorian. He was a herald. He was the Brian Blessed of his day. An incredibly loud voice. So, topical news quiz, that’s the one I know.

Ross Kemp, there was a very famous meme of him at the World Cup when he was topless, shouting. So he shouted. It’s about shouting. Yes, but who’s the odd one out? King Charles. All right, why is that? He doesn’t shout, all the others shout. Next one. LAUGHTER

Well, you’re right. It is King Charles. He’s the only one that’s named after a spaniel. LAUGHTER Is Stentor the only one who can pull his tongue out really far? They’re all too loud, apart from King Charles, who advocates playing the bagpipes. Stentor, according to Homer, was…

And he’s said to have died as a result of a shouting contest… Oh, with Hermes. With Hermes. Yes. They lost his package one too many times. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Why does the King think we should be playing the bagpipes? It’s very good for your breathing. Yes, that’s right.

No, it’s good for your health. The Scotsman advised that… But I prefer a panel show to practise on. So here we go. APPLAUSE HE PLAYS SCOTLAND THE BRAVE AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I’m fine. Yeah, it’s really good for your health. LAUGHTER

I was wondering why we’d never done that before. LAUGHTER Davina McCall, Iain Duncan Smith, Alex James and Noel Edmonds. They’re all back. That makes them the odd one out, does it? They’re all back. They’re all back. They’re all back except Iain Duncan Smith. No. Alex James makes cheese.

Makes cheese. Davina McCall likes cheese. Likes cheese. Noel Edmonds is made of cheese. Yeah. He’s pure Edam. Just pure Edam. OK. You are not on the right track. Shall I give you a clue? Yes. It might be falling out with neighbours because… Yeah. Oh. Falling out with neighbours.

Noel Edmonds has moved to New Zealand and is being slightly tetchy with his neighbours. Davina McCall lives in Guernsey… ..and has murdered everybody on the island. You better tell us. OK, all right. All of them have upset people from other countries apart from Davina McCall, who’s upset with herself for inflicting

Donald Trump on the US. She claims that her stint as the host of Big Brother led to the explosion of reality TV shows that… Davina, if you’re listening, it’s not your fault. On the other hand, I think it is. That’s the BBC, it’s balance, you see. LAUGHTER

How else does Davina centralise herself in the narrative of world history? She started the First World War by murdering Archduke Ferdinand. Yeah. He was the first one voted out of the Big Brother House. Yeah. No, she does at least accept responsibility for this. Now, would you like me to be the cat?

That’s right. Delicious. Why have you shown us that? I had to watch that four times today in rehearsal. Oh, man. Where you get your kicks has got nothing to do with me. How did Blur bassist and cheese magnate Alex James upset another country? He said their cheese was bad.

He ticked off the French by claiming that brie was actually invented in Ireland and that champagne was actually developed in Somerset. Oh. Yeah. He’s done too many drugs. LAUGHTER Or not enough. Balance. Balance. Can you guess the headline that the Daily Star went

With to cover this story? So you’ve got the Daily Star, they’ve got to come up with a headline. Alex James story? Alex James. Right. Who’s in Blur. He’s upset the French. What are you thinking? French cheesed off. Sacre Blur. In one! Yeah. I should have been a journalist.

Right, what country has Noel Edmonds caused trouble in? New Zealand. Absolutely right. He spent over £14 million buying up properties in order to create his own village. Which…do you know what he’s calling it? Crinkly Bottom. If only. It’s called River Haven. Who has Noel fallen out with then? The council. The local council.

They wanted to put a bike track through a corner of his land to avoid a motorway. To which Noel Edmonds reasonably responded… Would you like to see an image here of Crinkly Bottom? Yes. Yes, please. Yes. Why are you showing us this? His lawyer sent a letter complaining that ITV

Broke its contract by giving viewers a glimpse of Nigel’s naked arsehole last week. Well, if he’d signed a “no arsehole” contract, he wouldn’t have been able to go. Any lawyer will tell you that. Time now for the missing words round. And we start with… Secret financial arrangement with vet. LAUGHTER

“I’m taking that Labrador to the vet every week.” Dog costs owner… This is the story of Jack Russell mix Jaqweenie who keeps pretending to be ill. LAUGHTER Next… Is it in Woking when they’re actually in Belgravia? LAUGHTER Pizza company allows customers to pay with sexual favours.

Is that the meat feast or you just pleased to see me? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE One pizza that customers can order is the four-cheese, triple stuffed crust, mega meatilicious pepperoni passion with extra garlic dip. So I imagine they’ll be paying for that one quite soon. Next… It’s full of police. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Woman in Scotland… Next… FR Leavis. The ceiling to the floor below. Yes! It’s got to be. That’s the one. What were the dirty mags in the 1940s called? Ankle? Next… Prime ministers. Mini retirements. LAUGHTER Oh, God. The number of times I’ve argued with a biscuit.

According to a McVitie’s survey, 33% of Brits want to see… From what? Just like at the Coronation. APPLAUSE Next… Unfortunately. I was just going to say guilty. No, that’s better. That’s not true. This is the news that a drunk driver in the Netherlands handed

Over a fake ID with Boris Johnson’s name and picture. Here it is. Police realised immediately it wasn’t Boris Johnson as the suspect admitted he was in the wrong and apologised. Next… Dies on toilet. I think we’ll give that to you.

Ed Currie the creator and his wife and children all eat a lot of chilli peppers – runs in the family. Next… Stuck with a large bill? Oh, Richard! There we are. APPLAUSE Now, this is Gillingham man Mark Colyer with his duck called Dog. The duck is a good conversation starter and,

In fact, a good starter. It’s also a rather ambiguous phrase, the duck is a conversation starter, as if the duck goes round the pub saying, “What was the best holiday you ever had?” Yeah, he’s a real introvert and the duck is just his wingman. Yeah – wingman.

Oh, you’re on fire. Doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Didn’t even know I was doing it. Doesn’t even know he’s doing it. And, finally… STEPHEN AND PAUL: Scientists. Done it again! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did it again! And it’s right! It is, it absolutely is… It is right. Even better. APPLAUSE

But before we go, there’s just time for the caption competition. Bishop complains about unfair identity parade. LAUGHTER Another terrible edition of Hide That Camel. LAUGHTER Woman complains about unfairness of identity parade. Is it the best episode ever of Hide That Camel? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I’ll leave you with news that in Berkshire there’s a mix-up in the Celebrity Bake Off tent when one of the contestants realises they’ve accidentally iced a hat. LAUGHTER As he turns up for his annual prostate examination, Jeremy Corbyn is alarmed to see there’s been a last-minute change of doctor. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And at a warehouse rave in Hackney Wick, after the bar runs out of bottled water, there are concerns that Michael Gove may be a little dehydrated. LAUGHTER Happy Christmas. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Checking possible wrong score. 6-4 to Ian on the board. That’s fine, check complete, check complete. Well done, boys, good process.

Wait, wait, wait, onfield decision was 6-4 Paul. Yeah, yeah. Win for Paul. That’s wrong, Daz. It should have been for Ian. BLEEP! Delay. Delay. Stop. Stop the show. Delay. I can’t. We played on. BLEEP!