Why Colchester is “Depressing”…

This is actually a good video I think. Better than all the other videos about colchester. I thought they did not show nearly enough. of who we are. so I made this. Let’s go. I recorded all of the songs on all the instruments, just saying lol. Follow @BandOfMadison and on instagram @herd_this_music. lets go.

CORRECTION: Damon albarn did NOT go to the sixth form, however he DID go to Stanway School, where he met the guitarist, Graham Coxon. This shows how I went to the Colchester Institute lmao.

Also thank you to BIG MAN MICHAEL For giving me his voice as well for the pub section. You can tell i slightly rushed this video lol.

Colchester Colchester Colchester Colchester of Colchester Colchester Colchester Colchester Colchester Colchester Colchester When people think of Essex they mainly think of Joey Essex Basilon Gemma Collins and Orange Girls but very rarely do they think of Colchester Britain’s oldest recorded town city. It’s also the most depressing place to live in Britain. Why? Culture is known for its garrison, the zoo castle. But why is all this completely forgotten about? Who cares? Does it all even matter? We’ll find that out today. Yeah. According to the Office of National Statistics, Colchester has an average happiness rating of 6.8 out of 10. Why? Some people see that statistic and they think, “Yeah, that makes sense.” But I don’t. We have a lot of good in this town. Let’s see it. But first, let’s see the not so good bits because that’s what you want, really, don’t you? You want to see the depressing parts. Well, here you go. [Music] In any good primary school, we were taught that we were the oldest recorded town in England. We were also the Roman capital of the United Kingdom until this woman, Queen Boo Dear, did the one thing a lot of people wish they could do. Destroy Colchester, making her the most beloved hero of Colchester and allowing her to have a statue in the middle of this busy roundabout. Later on, since a certain man got shot in the eye of the narrow, the Norman has decided they’ll block this big stone rectangle in the middle of these Roman ruins, which now has solar panels on it. It has now got a big tree on it. It’s been about unsolved, and it’s completely protected by these big metal gates to make sure the Romans stay out. And of course, these rocks for your dumb chance to do parkour and smash their face on. [Music] couple years of a massive earthquake in 1884 later, humanity invented cars and culture used those cars. And then if there’s a big traffic jam on the A12 or some sort of accident, Culture Star looks like this. If you’re trying to get from Highwoods to Lexon or anywhere in the hive to anywhere up here like Kauashaw, you’ve got to use like these four roads here and they are completely wrapped and the A12 when it’s closed it completely ruins Cultista. So, it’s an extra 20 minutes added on any sort of direction in this general area. Oh, yeah. And Colchester also has a lot of I’m going to say the R word, road works. Oh, no. M when visiting Cultistar on any given weekday or other busy day, you get to sit in stop start traffic up this hill, park in this dodgy car park that’s only had a few murders, and then walk over and laugh at the traffic jam you’ve just sat in for the past 20 minutes. Colchester also has a bit of a roundabout problem. There’s two right next to each other where indicators don’t exist on one and the other one lanes are just a suggestion really. We also have some bottoms roundabout where they have road markings that encourage car crashes and an island in the middle of it which houses drug dealers and murderers. This roundabout dubbed the monster roundabout by the sun was once one massive circle but then it got changed to this. It has 48 terribly timed traffic lights on it which you can guarantee you’ll be sat behind one for at least 2 minutes. It’s so confusing that my mother has crashed twice in that exact same spot down there. This is Greenstead roundabout. Home to one of six magic roundabouts in the UK. Everyone always talks about Swindon. Swindon’s the biggest roundabout. Swindon is the worst one. At least you’re not in G. Culture to drivers do know how to drive on this. Barely though. They forget how to use their indicators and stuff sometimes, but you know, it is what it is. Swindon drivers, be happy you’re in Swindon and not in Greenstead, mate. Greenstead. Green. Green. There’s two E’s. Green. [Music] Murzy Island. Famous for oysters, the regata, and having the lads walk to it. It’s Colchester’s option for those that rightfully don’t want to move to Clton. But the one road connecting Colchester from Murzy has a tendency to disappear with the tide, leaving anyone on the island stuck there for a whole 2 hours stranded. Nery locals are annoyed because they can’t leave their little oyster island, but happy that Colchester and the rest of the chavy tourists can’t reach them. [Music] Roller World opened in the 80s and was one of the best roller skating venues in Europe apparently and was loved by all your cousins on their birthdays. It was the best place in town to take your mates and push them on their asses and hearing their knees thud halfway across the hall. It was also home to everyone’s first laser tag experience, Quaazar, which is also where everyone heard the prodigy for the first time and felt real shame for the first time. All right, let’s do scorecards. Who was green number four? Oh, yeah, that’s me. However, in 2022, when their landlord, Pety Holdings, decided that this institution was causing the town happiness rating to get too high, they decided they would up the rent per year from £100,000 to £250,000. This caused uproar and a crowdfunder was started to try and help keep the business going. They raised £9,000 in the end, but it wasn’t enough. Roller World closed on November the 30th, 2022, and the owners formed the Roller World Foundation, who promote and support the development of roller skating and other skating sports. So, whatever happened to their big roller skating rink? yards and cruising. And as an extra kick in the teeth, they haven’t even bothered to replace the signs around the city. So, there’s always a constant reminder of when there was something to do here. [Music] There’s no free parking anywhere around the town center when shops are open. There’s some next to spoons here, but it’s like two spaces. And there was free parking, but the council seeing green got rid of it and made it maximum two hours stay plus you have to pay which is a joke. There are so many side roads and little shops that a couple hundred years ago used to look amazing but now look derelictked and run down. I mean come on look at this. [Music] It’s like culture just doesn’t get any love anymore. [Music] We’ve even left this old odian standing for decades and abandoned hospital down the road standing for years. The council have done nothing about it. Now all it is is just a house for homeless people and your one mate who thinks he’s Joe Weller. Recently, Culture Council decided to give one of Cultista’s busiest roundabouts a major facelift to improve first impressions by train. It went from looking like an empty green circle to this. Your neighbor’s overgrown garden they refused to cut. Why would they do that? Guess how much money they spent on it. Have a guess. Nope, you’re wrong. £92,000. At least this guy got to have a beach holiday on it. This is the same council that made Holly Cheese Museum ticketed and completely shut down the lower castle park toilets. And this is the same council that leave a we falling into a river for about a year and a half and not fix it. I mean, they’re fixing it now, but are they? And it’s the same council that spent £4,000 on a bin. Wow. [Music] Coaches United Football Club holds the record for current longest time without promotion in all the 92 teams in the football top four leagues. The best we have ever done since our founding in 1937 as of note was at Leia Road when we were in the championship in 2007, finishing 10th until the year after finishing rock bottom of the league. After this finish, they left their beloved home of 71 years after a 1- nil loss to Stoke. Lovely. Where did they move to? They moved from half an hour walk from town, still in the heart of the people, to a swanky new stadium with a capacity of 10,15. But it was a 1hour walk from town, nowhere near. It was situated in the middle of the A12 and a field, making it very hard not to drive. But driving would be quite hard as there aren’t even enough car parking spaces for everyone. The team ended up eventually moving all the way down to League 2 and staying there, not moving for almost a decade. And it looks like we’re going to be getting GTA 6 before we go anywhere. [Music] The youth of culture, they don’t have very much to do themselves. They can sit in this shed, which why? They can go sit on those swings down there, which why? They’re for kids. Get out of They can go to Coach Skate Park after the bigger better empire skate park. fell to the same fate as Roller World. They could try and find where Cole Anderson and Crystal Wright are, as well as play the game spot the walking man. Or they could just try and figure out whoever the hell Coach Compass is. You’re just intellectuals culture, mate. They were funnier. They could always come to one of the many massive fields we’ve got around Colchester like Abby Fields and, you know, Hillyfields and do um whatever it is they do in those fields. And of course they could stay in one of the many secondary schools we’ve got on offer in the city. For example, you got St. Helena, the middle school in the country. TLA, home to Culture Academy, home to Monquick’s unwanted. Cultist Royal Grammar School. Philip Morant and Senadex. They’re a bit boring now. They stop fighting each other. You’ve got Paxman who just recently opened and stole all the good teachers from all the other schools. The Stanway School, Damon Arwan went there. That’s about it really. The Gilbert School, which is huge and made out of the wrong concrete. St. Mary’s school for girls. Learn more about them on Leisure World Radio. You got the high school for girls. That barely doesn’t count. God damn this field is huge. Anyway, yeah, that’s just got all the attention of all the kids that, you know, go to secondary school cuz as soon as they see their secondary school mentioned, “Wow, I’m famous. Look, our school is so shit.” It’s not that bad. Shut up. You don’t live in like Skunkorf or something. Just quiet. Those that have a job, well, they’ve also not got very much to do apart from capitalism. We are a market town after all, whatever that means. But instead, they could always go to the pub. [Music] Culture Stuff was named the fifth worst festive night out uh by some dodgy casino website. This one I don’t really agree with. Culture has this premier club called Trilogy or Hippad Drrome or Attic if you’re old. It’s hosted such talents as Bivo. Uh our Spoons used to be a famous theater in the 1930s and then became a cinema 2 years later and then a bingo hall in the 80s and it got left abandoned until So when you step foot into one of these many public houses of Culture Still, what are you likely to hear? Oi, you can’t wear that in here. What are you [ __ ] squally or something? 1.94. What a bargain. I’m a student. Stop them [ __ ] bumps. Wait, Yates is shutting down. No, please let me go see gun victim. I’m actually 18. I promise. I literally just have my idea at home. Oh, this man’s [ __ ] Obviously, all South has to do is put Kobe May on deck and we won it. Wow, this P is amazing. I can’t wait to get an STD. Oh my god, this Hendu needs 12 more cocktails. Super trooper. [Music] This is Jumbo, cultist’s solution to the Eiffel Tower. It was made in 1883 and stands at a whopping 40 m high. It was named after the London Zoo elephant Jumbo when its neighbor complained that it dwarfed his martyr burning house next door. It used to hold 1,069 cub m of water, or if you’re wrong, 37,800 cubic feet of water. In 2011, there was a planning application for converting the tower into penthouse flats at the restaurant that got rejected by the council. In 2013, three apartments, a restaurant, an office, and an observatory/ museum with a cafe was planned and rejected by the council again. In 2001, plans to have a glasswalled penthouse in Jumbo was approved, but work was never started and permission expired. In 2018, North Heritage’s scheme for a restaurant, gift shop, and heritage center got sent back after a heritage lottery fund grant was denied. In December 2021, Paul Flatman leased the tower to North Ethics Heritage for 150 years with plans for a restaurant, visitor experience, and historical space with no progress happening as of yet. But not all is lost. This guy, Griff Jones, has given his support to the restoration project. Yay. Now, all it is is just a bunch of men standing in front of it with a high viz or men in suits shaking hands. Well, for now we can enjoy it for what it is, which is a pretty cool tower in Colchester. But guess even better. At night time it looks like this. Oh, which is pretty It’s pretty cool, but it’s on the wrong side. [Music] Do you like nursery rhymes? I bet you do. You’re so cute. I bet you do. According to local legend, because it isn’t true, during the English Civil War and the siege of Colchester, there was a cannon on top of that tower called Humpty Dumpty, which got shot down and fell, aka the Great Fool. If only it were true. We’re also linked to the nursery rhyme, Old King Cole. Let me read this Wikipedia article because I don’t know that much about it. Local legend replaces Colchester as the seat of King K or K of the rhyme old king K a legendary ancient king of Britain. The name Colchester is Latin. The place name suffixes chest cester and castaster derived from the Latin word castrum fortified place in folk ethmology. The name cultista was thought of meaning k’s castle. though this theory does not have academic support. What’s the point? I just read that then. What’s the point? What’s the point? The last thing associating culture with laabis in this city is this house right here which is the home of Jane and Anne Taylor. They collectively wrote the poem Twinkle Little Star in that house. They have a statue commemorating them on the high street. Speaking of statues, this woman has had more sexual experiences on a night out than you ever will. Oh yeah, and that Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star clip, that one was real. We’re genuinely linked to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. That’s cool. Moon. [Music] Also, if you like to read books like a nerd, we were also mentioned in George Orwell’s book of 1984 where Colchester was the only place in Britain that was nuked. Apparently, he chose it for its whimsical sound and knew nothing about the town, which he later laughed about, realizing it existed. But it was already in the prince and we were still getting nuked anyway, so he didn’t bother changing it. Perfect. [Music] We have the University of Essics known for having 90% of its research rated as worldleading or internationally excellent in the research excellent framework REF 2021. Culture has a big Tesco and an even bigger sainsbur and the green flag award-winning Highwoods Country Park home to many uninsured and unlicensed fishermen and Culture Star do actually have some goodlooking buildings in their town including Culver Square which has Sam pop-up show and mass car pollution and red lion walk which I’m far too awkward to set on the camera for. Colchester have you planning to renovate a lot of old buildings in this town. For example, this Debenham, this Devon’s been abandoned since May of 2021. There are plans, cuz we all know how far culture plans go, to renovate it into a leisure center fit with a mini golf course, a go-karting track, and a trampoline park. How they’re going to fit all that in there, I’ve got no idea. The football stadium is the largest entertainment venue in Essex, hosting acts such as Little Mix, Olly Murs, Lionel Richie, and that one blind guy. Also, the area around the stadium has started developing into the Northern Gateway, which is fit with Gregs, a Wendy’s, a Hollywood Bowl, and almost a Sydney World. But that’s depressing again. Moving on on fireworks night, Culture hosts the best fireworks night in Essex. Hands down. I mean it’s either them or like CL and Pier so you know not a hard bargain. The local music scene here is thriving with venues like Koda, the Brew House, Charter Hall, Three Wise Monkeys and the Art Center. And of course this local cultist boy here. He went to sick form Cultista. He’s been in two bands. His mom definitely knows your mom. It’s the one and only the Gallagher brothers hate him Damon Alban. Colchester also has a leisure center, Colchester leisure world fit with a spa, a leisure pool, fitness pool, gym, bington courts, and so on and so on. It’s also got charter hall on the side, which hosts many events, normally quite expensive. It’s where cultures and kids go to learn how to swim by very tired swimming teachers. There’s also council run, so of course there’s going to be complaints about it being dirty, which it’s not that dirty. It’s fine. You do it yourself. There’s a bin. Oh, did my little baby do an accident in her nappy? We also have Culture Zoological Society or Culture Zoo if you’re a human. A familyrun zoo spread across 60 acres of land which has been around for half a century. With the amount of animals doubling the size of the population of Jwick, it’s the greatest school trip for any primary school child within a 20 mile radius. It is consistently ranked in the top 10 zoos in the UK and has been awarded a Trip Advisor Traveler’s Choice Award and is now in the top 10% of things to do worldwide. And it’s where every child with a good upbringing had at least one prestigious almighty go, which is now called a zoo pass. and for an adult costs 72 quid. It’s also a charity now and it has donated over4.7 million pounds to conservation projects all around the world and it plans to keep on growing and keep donating to conservation projects for decades to come. Also, our castle is the largest Norman Keith ever built in Europe, which is mental. Its design was also used for the blueprints of some of the Tower of London. It’s pretty cool. The council have also commemorated our history throughout these little plaques they’ve put in the floor, which I think are pretty cool. Obviously, this is all my opinion and we can only listen to so much of my opinion. So, let’s ask the people of Colchester what they think. What’s your favorite thing to do in Colchester? I’m going to be so real, bro. Find a fat spliff. There’s not really much else to do. Play Pokémon. Be honest. Oh, Jesus Christ. That’s That’s an awkward question, isn’t it? Um, get a takeaway. Obviously, it’s got to be get a takeaway. I’m literally off to McDonald’s right now. Sit here all day. Sit here and get drunk. Sit here and get drunk. And hi. There’s plenty of things you can do here, but I’m actually stopping smoking now, so I’m not going to be bunning suits. But if I had to pick, it would be bunn in Castle Park. Come play a bit of pool. Link the mandem. Not much more you can do really. Yeah. Yeah. Colchester is uh is is an interesting place. Yeah. Yeah. But I suppose like on a weekend just walking around going to shops just to have a little [ __ ] nose. That’s the best thing. Go to the park. Well, sleep with all the girls that are single. Um or skateboarding. Yeah. My favorite thing to do in Colchester is go to live music venues and watch artists who play guitars. Are you happy living in Colchester? Yeah. Yes. I love living in Colchester. You know what? I am. Yes. No. No. I mean it’s not the worst. No. I come from Clapton on Sea and moving to Colchester was like would is like a Colchester person moving to London. It’s like I’m living in the Big Apple. No, no, but they wouldn’t be happy where you’re living anywhere. The grass is always greener. That’s how it works. So, I’m not like I’m happy with the people that are here. Like I love I know all these different people in Colchester. Like you like honestly I would say I’m happy but I could be happier. Like I could be living in a different country with hotter weather, fitter, you know, like but um yeah. No, I am happy at the end of the day. I do love Colchester cuz it’s where I’m from and it’s where I’m born and it’s where all my people are, you know? But yeah, why not? It Okay, it could be worse. There’s just [ __ ] all. There’s No, there’s a lot of interesting people here. Yeah, but like and there’s spots to go smoke and drink and there’s lots of cool people, but it could be better. Uh because all of my friends live here. But because of my drive to London? No. Uh, but that is just because I got a job in London and I having to drive there an hour and a half and an hour and a half back. It’s not ideal. Um, but it’s all right. It’s not too bad actually. Uh, don’t think I can’t really say anything else. I’m sandwiched between two nightclubs, but it’s fair enough. It is what it is. Yeah, it is what it is. Yeah, fair enough. I can’t really say what’s your favorite pub, can I? Yeah, you can. What’s your What’s your favorite pub? Free Wise Monkeys. Beer church. Three wise. Three wise monkeys cuz I’m under I’m obliged under contract to say that. Yeah, I’m not much of a drinker at all. Um I’ve been to Walker. I’ve been to Weather Spoons. I mean, they’re just pubs in it, but I’ve I’ve been to Free Wise Monkeys, I think. And that’s all right. That’s actually pretty good. Uh other than that, I don’t really drink. Uh it probably be the Forest Arms, actually. Little bit out the way, just around the corner. not part of the mainstream that’s going on over it. Yeah, I’ve worked with a lot of them around here. They’re not good. Ooh. Ooh. Uh, the Foresters arms. Is this considered? This is a bar. Technically, it’s not a pub, is it? It’s got to be spoons, isn’t it? Spoons on a Monday night. Happy Monday, Monday club. Or pub? Oh, if I had to pick a pub, there’s too many. They’re all Everything is just too expensive other than spoons. I can’t lie. So, spoons. Final answer. What do you think about the people that say Colchester is the most depressing town in the country? Well, they’ve obviously not been to Milton Kes. That’s very true. Or Brainree or Wittam or anywhere else. [ __ ] Culture is lovely and I rate it born and bread in the country. Is it well mate? I think they got the wrong people coming here because I don’t think it’s very dep obviously you see a lot of people but that’s England in general like no one smiles but I’m a pretty happy guy and I live in Colchester you guys seem like pretty happy guys and live in Colchester so yeah but I don’t think it’s it’s not that depressing like it’s a bit depressing but it could be worse like you could live in Jwick you know imagine that I think as someone who has traveled a lot and been to a lot of places I I think everywhere is kind of on the same level and it is and you can make your own social situation out of anything. I went to for example went to university in Northampton which is also quite a depressing place but it was the best years of my life. So I think if it’s voted the most depressing people it place if it’s if it’s voted the most depressing place in the UK it’s probably depressed people voting for it. I don’t think it’s depressive because you get people like this like this is interesting and you see so much you see so many weird people about like you can’t not smile like I I think it’s pretty decent like just I mean for example that thing over there the statue of the twinkle twinkle little star. What’s the point? Why spend money on that? That’s just funny. Like why would you spend and the bins? They’re a grand each. Why would you spend money on a grand for a bin? It’s like three grand actually. Is it? It’s actually free. That’s even worse. That’s even worse. It’s It’s getting pretty accurate if we’re honest. Yeah, it’s getting pretty accurate. You know, like you’re watching all these shops open and close within minutes and then the town wants to say that it’s got like a big infrastructure that can make lots of money and stuff like that, but in reality, all it is is just businesses being shut down by by the council raising prices. So, it doesn’t work for them, you know, and the place is not it’s not it’s not growing. It’s not a city and it’s it’s dying on its legs. We much rather put money into this kind of seating here that makes no sense whatsoever and brass elephants over there than actually any infrastructure to help anyone here. Right. Well, that’s just not true. It is a bit of a [ __ ] hole, but like it could be a lot worse. You could be living in like Birmingham or some [ __ ] You got 10 seconds to just say whatever you want pretty much. Promote something. Yes, bro. Big up rough edges, man. That’s I don’t know. Big up going victim. Come on. Big up Cochester. Honestly, if you want to come to a good place, have a good time. Colchester is the place to be. Big up yourself, honestly. Um, my name is Ross. I’m a company owner, director of a graphic design company called Trait Design. And if we’re uh if you’re out there listening to this and watching this, then look me up on the website and I can probably do you a a deal for logos websites, children’s books, things like that. If you are in Colchester and you want to have something fun, look at doing things just outside like you’ve got part in the park and stuff like that in Colchester Castle Park. You don’t just have to come here and go to the pubs and just be a degenerate. I’m really into live music. I believe in supporting and keeping live music alive. I think you should support all grassroots venues and all grassroots studios like Black Studios. Go to McDonald’s. Get yourself a Chicken Select. Actually, the Big Arch is pretty good. And underrated Mc Vegan Burger is so good. Uh, don’t come to Colchester. No. Come here. Come here. Give me a cigarette, please. And give me a beer if you see me. Yeah. Free fives and free vodka. You know, for as depressing as it is, I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as people say it is. It’s quite a nice town. City city. I don’t think as tourists or locals or as humans really, we appreciate culture stuff for how it is, which is a town full of culture and Roman ruins and history. But still, it’s just a nice place to live. People need to stop hating it so much cuz sure as good as bad parts but you know everyone’s got bad parts. Could be worse. Could be Scun Thorp or Ipsswitch. So just take a minute and just think there’s one quote I always see on the high street. This one I see all the time right outside McDonald’s for some reason. How can we tell people that we exist? I’ll leave you all on that bombshell. Visit Culture Star. You won’t regret it. Oh god, this took a while to make. But thank you to everyone that watched this video the whole way through. This is not like anything I’ve ever made, like ever. This is a lot different than most of the content I make. So, if you want me to do more videos like this, then hit the like button, hit the comment section, you know the gist. Share it all and maybe if the numbers get high enough, I might do another one. Who knows? But yeah, special thanks to Ivan Bos and Jake Fowls for helping me with the uh filming and sound recording. But yeah, everything else, thank you to you for watching and um yeah, sleep well, Culture Star.