** LISTEN WITH HEADPHONES IF POSSIBLE **
Written and performed by Josiah Bouverie.
jbouv.writing@gmail.com
MEDIA
Top 5 Crash Tests – Fifth Gear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcNlhnpVtVI&t=1408s
120mph Mega Crash! – Fifth Gear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7dG9UlzeFM
‘London’ – Google maps: https://www.google.com/maps/place/London/@51.5285262,-0.2664038,11z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m6!3m5!1s0x47d8a00baf21de75:0x52963a5addd52a99!8m2!3d51.5072178!4d-0.1275862!16zL20vMDRqcGw?authuser=0&entry=ttu
ATP Players Try To Pronounce London Underground Names 😂 | Nitto ATP Finals 2019: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbLWmo9yB5U&t=83s
Remain plea by unlikely EU pundit Lindsay Lohan: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-36613587
Dandelions Blown – In 4K Slow Motion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYhPlxgI_rs
Web Design Free: https://www.halogencreative.co.uk/designblog/marketing/web-design-free/
Carey Mulligan Failed Driving Test Five Times: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpxJ8PuhjiI&t=80s
Mini Roundabout Symbol Road & Car Park Traffic Signs: https://www.seton.co.uk/traffic-signs-mini-roundabout.html#TRF00130FP
Buffering Video… [4K]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIHmFxIwo_I
– Hello I hope you’re doing well. I just wanted to give you a quick call I know it’s late but I realised that it’s a big day tomorrow for you and I just wanted to let you know that we’re thinking of you and we think that you’re ready, and we believe in you
And just we want you to believe in yourself because you’ve ticked every box and you’ve crossed every ‘t’ and dotted the ‘i’s you’re completely in control of all areas and it’s very impressive watching from afar as I am to see this achievement so close to completion
And tomorrow will be the day that you finally complete it and what a day that will be. Yeah, so, I hope that helps I wanted to give you some tips and tricks for tomorrow because quite often you find that you sort of forget everything in times of high anxiety
And tomorrow will be one of those times so you need to memorise just little things that will help you through the day and make the experience run as smooth as possible. So here’s my first tip, tip number one:
In the evening, which is, right now we’re in the afternoon so it’s the next one along you need to set an alarm on your phone and what this will do is that it will awaken you in the morning and that’s important because if you’re asleep you can’t be there for the big day
So you need to set an alarm and make sure you get up when the alarm sounds and not incorporate the tone into the dream. And it doesn’t matter what the tone is either it can be pips or my favourite is a sort of marimba which is ascending marimba I think it’s called
And what that does is it, it just sort of lifts you up out of unconsciousness into a state of high alertness which is a fun way to start the day. The next tip I want to say is ‘breakfast’. It’s boring, I know but it’s important that you eat something in the morning,
And this can be Cheerios, this can be Oreos waffles, Weetabix, I don’t mind what you eat but make sure that you eat something because food is food and with food comes energy and with energy is light. And also water, likewise, is a great companion in times of stress
So make sure you eat something, make sure you drink something but not to excess, it’s very important that you know your boundaries. And then that’s that, and then here we are on the next bit of advice which is to make a good first impression, very important this one make a good first impression.
A lot of people in your generation think that first impressions are not important. You think that you can sort of ease into things slowly but this is not the case, you need to…social engagements are fraught with risk
And you need to be alert right away and smiling, approachable and a good person to be around. You need to be a good time, really, and make sure they know that, make sure you know that they know that
And yeah just big, big smile and chatty, flirty just do everything you can at your disposal and also they can smell fear so make sure you put on a lot of deodorant and eau de parfum and that will mask your terror. And the next tip is: ‘do your best’
Because your best is your best and your best is always the best you can do and so do that because if you do less then your best then you’ll feel like you could have done more you could have done your best. So do your best. And that’s all, all’s well over here
Molly’s got a weird scab on her ankle but we’re monitoring it, we’re drawing around it in permanent marker and so far, luckily, the borders are remaining inside the pen mark. We’ve also bought a new salt shaker for the salt and so that’s quite exciting
(muffled, spacey piano) because every meal, it all feels new again and when you get to my age ‘new’, in whatever form it is, is very important. And I need to go now because I’ve been cooking rice and the rice is burning and I don’t want to throw away another pan
And our dog’s sick. Ok so, I’m going to leave you now with some breathing exercises that really helped me. Earlier, I didn’t mention breathing but breathing really, that’s a just a prerequisite for everything really just make sure you breathe and breathe properly as well because sometimes people breathe
In a way that further heightens anxiety, but this sort of breathing regulates yourself (muffled piano returns) and that’s it, so I’m going to leave you with them and I hope things are bright and breezy tomorrow and all will be well I’m sure. ‘k so here are the breathing exercises. Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out. Try and clear your mind at the same time. Breathe in. (inhales) (whispering) Hold it. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out. ♪ First driving test: cut someone off on an A-road. ♪ ♪ Second driving test: reversed into a car. ♪ ♪ Third driving test: weaved around on a roundabout. ♪ ♪ Fourth driving test: stuck in the middle of a road ♪ ♪ Fifth driving test was a little unlucky ♪
♪ global disease shut down the country. ♪ ♪ Sixth driving test was cancelled due to wind. ♪ ♪ Seventh driving test: forgot to put on my seat belt, ♪ ♪ and then I forgot to tuck the examiner in. ♪ ♪ He cried and cried the entire time I was driving, ♪
♪ and failed me for my faulty signalling. ♪ ♪ Really, really, really windy and I thought cars were fairly heavy ♪ ♪ we’d have blown away. ♪ ♪ If I didn’t put the hand-brake on we’d have blown away. ♪ ♪ My first instructor used to watch me ♪
♪ emerge from accident into emergency. ♪ ♪ I was seventeen. ♪ ♪ ‘Brace!’ His one instruction ♪ ♪ at every junction. ♪ ♪ I was seventeen. ♪ ♪ Barely legal, not a wrinkle ♪ wide-eyed wonder for the day. ♪ ♪ Clutch-control was not quite there yet. ♪
♪ Now I clutch at the fading day… ♪ (voice and piano processed to be higher in pitch) ♪ – Next driving test examiner seemed distracted ♪ ♪ she missed my mistakes, she seemed pretty young. ♪ ♪ Drove for half an hour before she turned to me, ♪
♪ said: ‘excuse me sir, when do I begin?’ ♪ ♪ The other learner car never left the car-park, ♪ ♪ two dusty dudes in a high-vis stakeout. ♪ ♪ Watching the road. ♪ ♪ Clipboards out, watching the road. ♪ ♪ ‘Show me’, ‘tell me’, hold me closer ♪
♪ whisper which way will I go. ♪ ♪ pull me, twist me, windscreen wiper ♪ ♪ ok good now make it stop. ♪ ♪ Windscreen wiper going faster ♪ ♪ relentless dry-humping glass ♪ ♪ metronomically seething ♪
♪ ‘Fuck you dude we’re going to crash’ … – Would I have made the same mistakes ♪ ♪ down the road I didn’t take. ♪ ♪ Mirror, mirror on the car ♪ ♪ are my dreams as close as they appear? ♪ ♪ Aaaaah ♪
♪ Cuz I’m gonna be a star. – Cuz I have come so far. ♪ ♪ Baby you can drive my car. ♪ ♪ No I can’t Paul. – No I can’t Paul. – No I can’t Paul. ♪ (piano abruptly cuts out) (song returns) ♪ I think it’s spring as I make my way down slowly, ♪ ♪ these familiar streets I don’t recognise. ♪ ♪ ‘Congratulations sir, perfect driving. ♪ ♪ You must be very very proud of him.’ ♪ ♪ At this I turn to see my family, ♪
♪ smiling there, they loom above me. ♪ ♪ Granddaughter switches off the machine. ♪ ♪ A moment she waits: ♪ ♪ crouching, tearful. ♪ ♪ Then back towards the smiling people, ♪ ♪ as her hair is pulled by a gentle breath of wind. ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have hurt you if I knew you were there ♪ ♪ I was just reacting to some prick on a mobile phone ♪ ♪ then sorry had to swerve across to avoid a veering mobile home. ♪ ♪ You braked, to hang back, ♪ ♪ please know I appreciated that. ♪
♪ I wouldn’t have hurt you if I knew you were there. ♪ ♪ I quit, it wasn’t for me that’s fine, ♪ ♪ there are other things to do, other ways to spend time.’ ♪ ♪ And thank you parents you raised me just fine, ♪ ♪ it wasn’t meant to be, ♪
♪ I was born with an ‘L’ sign. ♪ ♪ – Son sit down it’s ten twenty seven ♪ ♪ time now for a mid-morn chit chat check-in, ♪ ♪ it will be me speaking mainly but it’s not an intervention. ♪
♪ Just, as I’m sure you’re aware, it’s a very competitive job market out there ♪ ♪ and you won’t get anywhere with a passenger mindset. ♪ ♪ ‘But maybe we want that! (You say) ♪ ♪ Direction and drive is so passé, ♪ ♪ to be passive and vague is the fashionable way ♪
♪ to drift through the day. Be home, but away. ♪ ♪ We collectively thrive when we are driven without the burden of wondering how to arrive.’ ♪ ♪ Thank you son for your young man wisdom, ♪ ♪ so valuable and cool. ♪ ♪ Thank you. ♪
♪ I can’t believe the clarity, the certainty. Red is ‘red’. Blue is bold, fresh and true. ♪ ♪ And I feel for your Gen Z generation, ♪ ♪ forced to confront a problem I never had to face. ♪ ♪ As long as the horse got fed. ♪
♪ But since the invention ♪ ♪ of the engine ♪ ♪ I’m sorry but you’ve gotta drive ♪ ♪ my son I’m sorry, so sorry – (acoustic) I’m sorry! So sorry, ♪ ♪ I’m sorry son but you’ve gotta drive ♪ ♪ I’m sorry, so sorry, I’m sorry but you’ve gotta drive. ♪
♪ That’s all, have a good day, have you oiled your bicycle?’ ♪ ♪ You gotta drive, you gotta drive, you gotta drive ♪ ♪ You gotta drive, you gotta drive, you gotta drive (you gotta drive) ♪ You gotta drive. You gotta drive son. ♪ You gotta drive, you gotta drive, you gotta drive (you gotta drive) ♪
You gotta drive. You gotta drive. ♪ You gotta drive, you gotta drive, you gotta drive (you gotta drive) ♪ ♪ (you gotta drive) ♪ – Um, so that was my dad. Broadly. My mum had a very different approach. ♪ – (h.p) The places you’ll go. ♪ ♪ Like Luton (Ahh) ♪
(place names mispronounced) ♪ Like Edinburgh ♪ ♪ Like Stockport ♪ ♪ Like Leicestershire ♪ ♪ Devon, Darlington, Ilfracombe, Portsmouth, Plymouth, Loughborough, Middlesbrough ♪ ♪ Nottingham, Peterborough, Newquay, Oldham, Scarborough ♪ ♪ Salisbury, oh, Salisbury, oh Salisbury. Southend-on-Sea ♪ ♪ London ♪ ♪ Preston ♪ ♪ Newcastle upon Tyne ♪ ♪ London ♪
♪ Preston ♪ ♪ (Nadal): ‘Marylebone’ ♪ ♪ Brighton and Hove ♪ ♪ Beccles ♪ ♪ Poole ♪ ♪ Devon, Darlington, Ilfracombe, Portsmouth, Plymouth, Loughborough, Middlesbrough ♪ ♪ Nottingham, Peterborough, Newquay, Oldham, Scarborough ♪ ♪ Salisbury, oh, Salisbury, oh Salisbury. Southend-on-Sea ♪ ♪ Legoland! ♪ ♪ Legoland ♪ ♪ Sunderland (Sunderland) ♪
♪ Legoland (Legoland) ♪ ♪ Sunderland ♪ ♪ Legoland ♪ ♪ Sunderland ♪ ♪ Lindsay Lohan! Lands End, John ‘o Groats ♪ ♪ Lands End, John ‘o Groats ♪ ♪ Lands End ♪ ♪ (with echo) Stoke ♪ ♪ Strood, Stroud ♪ ♪ St. Helens, St. Ives ♪
♪ St. Helens and St. Ives ♪ ♪ Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Windsor, Wingford, Windermere ♪ ♪ Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Windsor, Woking, Windermere ♪ ♪ Devon, Derby, Dundee, Ilfracombe (Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Windsor, Woking, Windermere) ♪
♪ Nottingham, Peterborough, Newquay, Oldham, Scarborough (Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Windsor, Woking, Windermere) ♪ ♪ Just cuz I can’t get by ♪ (Devon, Derby, Dundee, Ilfracombe) (Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Windsor, Woking, Windermere) ♪
♪ Doesn’t mean I won’t try ♪ (Devon, Derby, Dundee, Ilfracombe) (Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Woking, Witham, Windermere) ♪ ♪ Just cuz I can’t get through (Nottingham, Peterborough, Newquay, Oldham, Scarborough) (Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Windsor, Woking, Windermere) ♪
♪ Doesn’t mean I won’t find you (Nottingham, Peterborough, Newquay, Oldham, Scarborough) (Wigan, Wimbledon, Wycombe, Woking, Witham, Windermere) ♪ ♪ Just cuz I can’t get by like I used to ♪ ♪ doesn’t mean I won’t try, trust me I will do. ♪
♪ Just cuz I can’t get through like I’d choose to ♪ ♪ doesn’t mean I won’t find a way to reach you. ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have hurt you if I knew you were there. ♪
♪ Should have had your lights on in weather like that, should have indicated before you crashed. ♪ ♪ Should have been better than that. ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have hurt you if I knew you were there. ♪ ♪ – (doubled voices) It doesn’t matter, we knew you were there. ♪
♪ – I wouldn’t have hurt you if I knew you were there. – It doesn’t matter, we knew you were there. ♪ ♪ – It doesn’t matter, we knew you were there. – If I knew you were there.
– If I knew you were there. ♪ – We knew you were there. ♪ – Right, hello, just thought I’d update you quickly about what’s been going on in my driving life, and then we can get back to the, um, breakdown. So, yes, since I started making this another test came up on the booking system.
They sent me an email saying we’ve got a place for you and would you like it and I said: ‘yes please, thank you’ and this morning was the big day and I took the test again and ‘big day’ I failed the test again and it’s very funny.
I didn’t fail. I didn’t fail. I missed the opportunity to pass… repeatedly, quite hard, into the back of a van. I knew I was going to fail because I have like a spi- like a sixth sense you know how like a tracker like um, what’s his name, Ray Mears can tell if a like a bug or a, I don’t know, shrew has is like grumpy
Based on how it like stomps in like mud or like runs through hedgerows in the same, in like a similar way I can tell if an examiner’s going to like, you know, ‘fail me’ based on like subtle kind of cues they give off in their behav – it’s quite a skill
And, you know it’s usually: (seagulls screeching) Yes, that’s a joke. Good. I’m gonna do this again. Not a natural performer, why am I doing this? Ok. (main keyboard returns) ♪ Really wanna go to bed now. I really wanna go to bed now. ♪ ♪ I really wanna go, to bed, now I really wanna go to bed. ♪ (high pitched) – You’re a good driver. ♪ (Really wanna go to bed now. […] ) ♪
– I am, I’m a good driver. (h.p) – You’re a good driver. – Yes, I’m a good driver. (h.p) – You’re a good driver. – I am. Genuinely? – (h.p) You’re an embarrassment to all of my friends. – (h.p) I actually like going on the train, or the bus.
– (h.p) Waiting on the platform in the rain with a podcast. – (h.p) You’re a good driver. – (h.p) In the rain with a podcast. – (h.p) You’re an embarrassment to all of my friends. – This message is for u.k citizens between the first and the fifth of January:
Stay away from your family! Stay hidden undercover curled foetally. Don’t engage. Don’t make eye contact. We don’t know how it spreads yet. We don’t know how it spreads yet. ♪ (I really wanna go, to bed, now I really wan- ) ♪ (LOUD ELECTRONIC BASE CUTS IN.) (we don’t know how it spreads yet). – Instructor said ‘brake’. I said ‘why?’ – He said ‘car’. I said ‘where?’ – He said ‘there’. I said ‘Oh yeah.’ ♪ I’m sorry in the rearview mirror there’s a car it’s getting larger, that means it’s getting closer ♪
♪ what do I do, I’m panicking, is that enough? Is there anything I can deploy? ♪ ♪ A means to project an alpha sense of calmness, a means to assert an easy-going dominance. ♪ ♪ I’m winning: do I only get bananas? What do I press is it ‘A’ or is it ‘B’? ♪
♪ Oh help me weird man sitting next to me! ♪ ♪ A little sullen aren’t we, I’m sorry if it’s jerky, I brake like a crash test dummy. ♪ ♪ Take a look in the mirror, did I indicate? Is my periphery clear? Am I moving into space? ♪
♪ I’m pushed to the side discarded crisp packet or maybe old nappy ♪ ♪ that’s me face it some old shit I’m tragic. ♪ ♪ Don’t panic, snap out of it deep-breathing, balanced, ‘in’, ‘out’ inner ear ♪ ♪ eyes on the road ahead, feet-grounded wait for the smoke to clear. ♪
♪ And suddenly, it’s coming pretty easily the car in front is moving just ahead of me ♪ ♪ the car behind, is following respectfully I’m in my car ‘choo’ ‘choo’ feel like I’m free. ♪ ♪ I’m free. ♪ ♪ – (h.p) Instructor said ‘brake’, I said ‘why’? He said ‘there’s a car there’.
♪ ‘Oh. So I need to break before I hit the car?’ He said ‘yeah’. ♪ ♪ Instructor said ‘brake’, I said ‘that car right? ♪ ♪ I need to brake before I hit that car right?’ ♪ ♪ He said ‘yeah, you’re getting better’ ♪
♪ I said ‘yeah I know I am I’m getting better.’ ♪ ♪ Instructor said ‘brake’, I said ‘why there’s no car there’ ♪ ♪ he said ‘yeah but I need to take a break.’ ♪ ♪ I said ‘I’m paying you’ he said ‘you’re not paying me enough’. ♪
♪ ‘Ok fine we’ll take a break, ♪ ♪ do you mind if I hum during our break?’ ♪ ♪ He said ‘no, that’s fine’. ♪ ‘Ok.’ (- ‘Ok.’) (- ‘Ok.’) (humming transitions into singing) ♪ – (normal pitch) I’m free-wheelin’ h.p – (bababababa) ♪ I’m free-wheelin’ ♪ (h.p harmonising) (low pitch) – Put the clutch down, press the clutch down! ♪ h.p/n.p – (I’m free-wheelin’) ♪ – stalled (instruments are plucked quietly and aimlessly) – stalled […] – You can drive dude. You can totally, totally drive dude. Believe in you dude. Believe in you. If I were pregnant, and I’m not but if I were I’d let you drive me to the hospital.
Now, I wouldn’t let you drive me back, because there’s a baby in the back, but towards the hospital, going there, yeah, you may drive me. I believe in you dude. You can drive. Do you believe in yourself though, that’s the thing isn’t it, do you believe in yourself?
– (with echo) Awareness. The word is awareness. You ever seen a T-junction? You ever watch a T-junction? You ever spend an afternoon watching a T-junction? You are not spiritually awake until you’ve spent a weekend watching traffic at a ‘Welcome Break’. ‘Burger King’, ‘Greggs’, ‘WHSmith’s, vibrating chair. ‘Burger King’, ‘Greggs’, ‘WHSmith’s, vibrating chair. (ominous cello) Religious experience. (ominous cello) – (Low pitch) When I was in the army. (horns) Which I was for a bit, well they had an open day. Got a tote-bag and a pen. Lost the bag, (strings)
Still got the pen though, anyway in the army, we say one thing. One thing. One thing. – (l.p) We say one thing! We say one thing! We say, we say ‘never give up’, we say ‘never give in’ ♪ – (h.p) We say never give up, we say never give in ♪
Even when all seems hopeless or useless or pointless ♪ – (h.p) even when all seems hopeless ♪ even if damaging, we never give up, we never give in. ♪ – (h.p) when all seems damaging ♪ Never compromise. ♪ – (h.p) we never give up, we never give in. ♪
♪ (h.p/o.p) You can drive dude! You can drive dude totally drive ♪ ♪ you can drive you can drive! ♪ ♪ You can drive dude! You can drive dude totally drive ♪ ♪ you can drive you can drive you can drive! ♪
♪ You can drive dude! You can drive dude totally drive ♪ ♪ you can drive you can drive! ♪ ♪ You can drive dude! You can drive dude totally drive ♪ ♪ you can drive you can drive! ♪ (instruments all play at once) ♪ (o.p) – The horn is only used ♪ ♪ when you want to make your position clear ♪ ♪ it is not a greeting, it is not ‘congratulations on your driving! ♪ ♪ So stop bowing! ♪ ♪ And this jerkiness is because you insist ♪
♪ on these gear changes the range is too severe ♪ ♪ from first to fifth there’s a minor fault in that major shift. ♪ ♪ And its hands at ten to two. Its hands at ten to two. ♪ ♪ It’s hands at ten to two, not half past six. ♪
♪ Take a look in the mirror, did you indicate? ♪ ♪ Is your periphery clear? Are you moving into space? ♪ ♪ Take a look in the mirror, did you indicate? – instructor said ‘break’, I said ‘why’, he said ‘car’, I said ‘where’ ♪
♪ is your periphery clear? Are you moving into space? – he said ‘there’, I said ‘oh yeah’. ♪ ♪ And I was here before you were born and I will continue to be ♪ ♪ but can I take much more of this, ♪ ♪ they will fly because of me! ♪
♪ I knew to succeed I must please the examiner, ♪ ♪ now I’m sat back here forty years later. ♪ ♪ What became of that drive. ♪ ♪ What did I learn? ♪ ♪ How am I better? ♪
♪ I quit. It wasn’t for me, that’s fine – (h.p) first instructor used to watch me emerge from accident ♪ ♪ there are other things to do, other ways to spend time. – (h.p) first instructor used to watch me emerge from accident ♪
– (h.p) first instructor used to watch me emerge from accident ♪ ♪ And thank you parents you raised me just fine. – (h.p) into brace! ♪ ♪ It wasn’t meant to be. I couldn’t escape the ‘L’ sign. – (h.p) I was seventeen. ♪
♪ Take a look in the mirror, am I in decay. ♪ ♪ Is my identity clear, am I moving into … ♪ I hear sirens! ♪ Sirens! Oh, there’s an ambulance behind us! ♪ ♪ Remember the process, into the left lane ♪ ♪ when it is safe to do so no there’s a lorry! ♪ (taps microphone) ♪ Is this thing even on? ♪ ♪ If there’s a lorry there – (o.p) Sorry, I didn’t see the lorry ♪ ♪ Don’t turn there! ♪ (audience applause) (Kimmel) – When did you first come to Los Angeles? (Mulligan) – I came as a kid but I came as an actor when I was 21. (J.) – 21 and you would go around auditions and stuff like that? (M.) – 22? I would yeah and meet lots of people.
Was it hard to drive at that time to these, coming from England? – It was illegal to drive because I didn’t have a driving license. – Oh you didn’t have a — so how did you get to all these things? – Yeah. I took the bus.
– crying – That’s all I did though I didn’t have, I didn’t have friends so I would just spend my evenings figuring out my bus route for the next day. – Charting the bus route. – Yeah
– Would you tell anyone that you took the bus? – Yes, it was my thing, because I was always late – Yeah, right – because, you know, the bus makes you late in my experience – So I was always walking in
‘Oh god, I’m so sorry but I was on the bus and the bus went here and I got off at the wrong place and you know that was my intro – And how would they react to the fact […] – They loved it!
– Oh they loved it yeah – They love it! They love it! – They love the bus, they love British accents I’d get more British to be… you know ‘cos that works as well. – Do you drive now? – Um, no. – You do not drive? – No.
– Do you have any desire to drive? – Great desire. Great desire. I have failed. I have failed. I have failed my driving test five times. – Five! – It’s way harder in England. – Oh, over there you’ve failed. – Over there I’ve failed. – Wait, five times, hold on what are you? Like, what can’t you do? – Can you get the car started? – I’m an excellent driver – Well no, no I don’t think you are – Maybe, maybe…average, but even that I don’t think so. – So it’s a pressure thing, you know it’s a pressure thing – Oh – Yeah, I am an excellent driver and then I get in a test environment – ahuh. Oh – and someone has a clipboard
And my mind explodes and I cannot do anything and I make mistakes. ♪ – First exit on the roundabout, start in the centre then spiral out. ♪ ♪ First: gone, second: gone, third exit here we go: no, gone. ♪ ♪ (with echo) Don’t worry we’ll go round again ♪
♪ start in the centre then spiral out ♪ ♪ it’s fine, you’ll get it this time ♪ ♪ wait and wait and go go go go! ♪ ♪ No, nearly though, start in the centre then spiral out ♪ ♪ stuck in an eddy now accelerate for me ♪
♪ need to achieve escape velocity! ♪ ♪ Oh no gravity. Start in the centre then spiral out. ♪ ♪ Planet round the sun like a little moon or somethin’ ♪ ♪ have no control in the way these chords are progressing. ♪ ♪ Spiralling out on the roundabout ♪
♪ just follow the van he’ll figure it out. ♪ ♪ Do you trust me? Look at me look at look at look at look at loo- ♪ – (radio host) More party bangers after the news but before that, let’s go and see what’s happening on the roads! It’s Mike! (‘Traffic and Travel’ beat begins) – Thanks Steve Ok, here we go then: so there’s an incident at M11 junction 10 towards Scarborough not a huge amount of information at the moment
but we’ll get back to you it could be drama! An articulated lorry blocking two lanes no longer eloquent traffic very slow backing up, do take care. And on the Kirby interchange we’re getting reports of a learner driver he’s in second gear on a dual carriageway. Brave guy
And he’s also moving across the lanes so do give him a wide berth when passing and don’t provoke him. A volcano, weirdly, near Kendall, A4581, that’s now been cleared, all lanes now open again. that’s weird though isn’t it? A volcano. – (h.p) Where do you want to go I’ll take you
But it might take a little while. I’m stuck in a log-jam. That’s traffic, and travel. ♪ Where do you want to go I’ll take you ♪ ♪ but it might take a little while. ♪ ♪ I’m stuck in a log-jam. ♪ ♪ That’s traffic. ♪
♪ Where do you want to go […] ♪ – I’m missing the M3. – (h.p) There’s something in the way to where you want to go – I don’t know where it is I’m just missing. Missing – (h.p) something vast – (h.p) something deep (h.p) something meaningful. – Oh sorry M4.
♪ It’s traffic, ♪ ♪ traffic and travel ♪ ♪ I’m just tryna find my way home ♪ – Trains are fine, planes are fine. Pedestrians, cyclists, they’re doing fine. – That’s all from me I’ll be back in half an hour Steve. – Thanks Mike, see you then
– No, no I won’t I’ll be back on Monday. That’s me done for the week – Oh you’re done for the week now mate well have a great weekend if I don’t see you. What do you have planned for the weekend? – Thank you, what do I have planned for the weekend, well
I will be doing what I always do and I’ll be sorting through my dead mother’s – Oh, sorry for your loss Comics. Magazines. – Comics! Magazines, yes And then I’ll be making myself a cup of tea, – Oh hot water
I’ll be shutting the curtains, I’ll be lying on my bed… – Oh lovely, what a weekend Mike, thank you! Thanks Mike, ok. ♪ …for five seconds or more. Switch off your engine. ♪ Https://youtu.be/g1HDRuWZJuo – If you see something that doesn’t look right please text the British Transport Police on 078788755558 or you could call us on our ho…ho…hope phone. The next train will not stop here. The next train will not stop here. The next train… The next train will not stop here.
Please stand clear of the closing doors. ♪ – Park perfectly, kill the ignition, remove the key, ♪ ♪ walk through to the kitchen. ♪ ♪ It’s evening, cat is wheezing, light fading ♪ ♪ my wife is facing me: ♪ ♪ – What’s wrong, another one? ♪
♪ – The same. I failed him. He failed again. ♪ ♪ Oh. Your day sounds difficult. ♪ ♪ Would you like to maybe hear about my day? ♪ ♪ I did some gardening! ♪ ♪ I planted beans and peas and carrots and potatoes! ♪
♪ Watch them grow, watch them grow. ♪ ♪ They didn’t grow very much in the morning ♪ ♪ still I think what a way to spend my time. ♪ ♪ And then I had a coffee ♪ ♪ and while I was drinking my coffee, I thought what I’ll do in the afternoon ♪
♪ some baking ♪ ♪ after all I’m still recovering ♪ ♪ and baking’s good for recovery. ♪ ♪ Don’t you agree? ♪ ♪ So I got my big book down from the shelf and I had a leaf through it ♪ ♪ and you know what I discovered? ♪
♪ Nigella, you’ve done it again what a wonderful recipe book! ♪ ♪ And I know the perfect thing to cook for my love when they return! ♪ ♪ I’ll bake a quiche. ♪ ♪ You like a quiche. ♪ ♪ So I got my big bowl from the shelf ♪
♪ and I combined flour and eggs just like Nigella said to do! ♪ ♪ And then I added some water, um, onions and some spices maybe spices ♪ ♪ lovely lovely lovely lovely. ♪ ♪ Then I put all of these ingredients into a tray, ♪ ♪ put the tray into the oven. ♪
♪ Oh but before all this I pre-heated the oven to 180 degrees approximately ♪ ♪ Ohh ♪ ♪ So I put it in the oven and you wouldn’t believe ♪ ♪ the wonderful smells that emerged then. ♪ ♪ I sat enraptured. ♪ ♪ This is the life! ♪ ♪ I’m trapped inside. ♪
♪ But there are worse places to be. ♪ ♪ And then I waited for you. ♪ ♪ I took the quiche out the oven and I waited for you ♪ ♪ to return. ♪ ♪ But you didn’t return ♪ ♪ but then you did! ♪ ♪ but the quiche was cold. ♪
♪ Never mind though, I know just what we’ll do ♪ ♪ we’ve got a microwave, we’ll put it in there. ♪ ♪ Thirty seconds or so. ♪ ♪ That’ll do nicely, that’ll do nicely! ♪ ♪ I’ll do it. Close your eyes. Here we go: ♪ ♪ 30, 29, 28 ♪
♪ 27, 26 ♪ ♪ 25, 24, 23 ♪ ♪ 22, 21 ♪ ♪ 20, 19 ♪ ♪ 18, 17, 16 ♪ ♪ 15, 14, 13. 12 ♪ ♪ 11 ♪ ♪ 10. 10 ♪ ♪ 9. 9 ♪ ♪ 8. 8 ♪ ♪ 7. 7 ♪ ♪ 6. 6 ♪ ♪ 5 ♪
♪ 4 ♪ ♪ 3 ♪ ♪ 2 ♪ (calming strings fade up) 1. Good. ok. ♪♪