Male Victims of Domestic Abuse and domestic violence across the UK can phone a confidential helpline number available 01823 334244 Monday – Friday 10am to 4pm.
So glad that Richard is moving on with a new partner wishing him all the very best thanking once again the BBC breakfast team and the documentary aired tonight.
The programme called my wife my abuser the secret footage is on tonight at 10.00pm channel 5 there is support out there.
Richard Spencer was subjected to a campaign of abuse by his wife Sheree for 20 years she was jailed last year in what the judge described as the worst case of controlling and coercive Behavior they had ever seen we’re going to speak to Richard in a moment but the crimes only came to
Light after one of his friends saw nanny cam videos of the abuse and sent it to the police that footage is now being shown for the first time in a channel 5 documentary just have a look he also likes to Shir does Richard he likes
Being smart um but as he was telling us he would he would know when he was going to be subjected to abuse so he would change his clothes to a POA shirt if I think she’s going to be violent then it’s quite often i’ change I don’t know if VI then it’s
Unlikely to be RI probably just pull pull I’m sorry was completely flaw me sorry that behavior do you think that behavior kid hey the problem is any your marriage is because of you I know this is incredibly difficult to watch Richard joins us now alongside Mark Brooks from the charity mankind
Initiative who support men who have experien domestic abuse morning to both of you morning Richard um thank you so much for talking to us about this because it is not a subject that is talked about particularly often if you could just start from the beginning we’ve seen those images there such
Distressing footage um when did things when did you realize things were going so badly wrong what happened um it’s a difficult question because it happened over such period of long long period of time so you know things was really incremental so at the beginning it would just be like maybe
Pushing and shoving or slapping and um those kind of things were quite normalized almost on TV if you were to watch a soap opera it quite often if a a a man’s had an affair something you’d see like the wife hitting him or sorry the wife like slapping him or pushing or
Something it was never you know there was no mention of domestic abuse or anything wrong with that was almost perceived to be normal for ladies to bit you know to hit me so I think it because it was it was sporadic and in the in the beginning and minimal um you know didn’t
Didn’t raise any warning signs at that time obviously over time you know things got worse um and I was like in there’s a a domestic abuse cycle where there’s like a tension phase and things are build up you know something’s going to happen then there’ll be an incident then
There’ll be like a Reconciliation where the person will apologize and she would you know she would write notes and tell me what she loved me and say it would never happen again and give reasons why those things would happen and how long you talk about that tension phase how
Long would that go on for and when you were in that phase would you then always know that something was looming yeah I mean in the beginning the tension phase it was very short didn’t you know some there would be hardly any tension then just be incident but in the towards the
End of the 20 years you know the tension phase could last for days um I’d know that something was was going to happen and um and then you know there was no reconciliation towards the end there be no apology and it was go straight to
Kind of a period of calm and but that calm period you know it could ask for you know months and months and nothing that would happen and I’d think oh everything’s going to be okay again and she’s changed and but yeah never she never she never did change how bad did it it
Get um yeah it got I mean just before she was rested you know she she would just get up in the morning and start drinking wine and then she’d um you know she’ be asleep on the sofa for a few hours then get up and you know drink
Some oine and then you know then there be incidents of abuse um you know towards the end I pr much given up so I felt completely trapped at the end because I knew she wasn’t going to change but then um you know the were because she’d done things like
She’d um threatened that um she would tell the police that I was the I was the abuser and sometimes when I’d restrained her um to stop her from hurting me she’ have like marks on her wrist and she’d claim that she’ sent pictures to her friends or to um neighbors that that and
Tell them that I would you know that I was the abuser then dur an instance she’d I open a window and she shout out of the window stop it rich just you heting me and then in my mind I didn’t know if people did think that was me
That was was the abuser and financially you I didn’t have any um got into a lot we living beyond our means um she knew that and I was getting deep deep deeper into thatt the thing I could never leave really because I didn’t want to these
Are some of your injuries sorry sorry to interrupt that we’re seeing in the the pictures yeah that was a particular bad period just just around lockdown and um that was those injuries with a a wine bottle your wife has has been jailed she’s been convicted and we talked about
The fact that it was some of the the video footage from the The Nanny cam that in the house that that was part of the evidence that’s in this documentary when you see that footage now you see it on screen I mean is it like you’re looking at another world another life
Another person it is really I don’t really recognize the person I know it’s me all my memories from that period are detached it’s like a I’m an observer it’s like I’m watching a film or something I know that it’s me that’s in the film I know I’m you know the victim
But and you know some of the decisions are made now I because I can talk about all the reasons why I stayed in the long period of time talk about you know the the phases of narcissism and the phases of abuse and give reasons and if we’
Spoke for about half an hour I think you’d have a maybe a 50% better understanding of why someone would stay but I can’t answer some of those questions myself but you know I look back and I don’t know why I made some of the decisions I made and I just accept
That you know it wasn’t I’m obviously physically bigger and stronger than her there’s nothing physically stopping me from leaving and you know from a logical and Something challenge intelligence perspective I recognize that things weren’t right so I can always it’s like a I kind of come down to an emot reason
Why I didn’t let didn’t leave thinking that I could I could try and fix her and at some point you know she would get better and she would stop but obviously she she never did Mark we know don’t we from experience that most domestic violence is male on female how unusual
Is this situation and then how much more difficult does it make it to talk about it well one in seven men will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime and the government figures show that actually one in three of all victims are actually men but one of the
Challenges is that often Society doesn’t recognize men are and can be victims and also there’s not always enough publicity about it which is why it’s so great that what Richard has done is really shine a light on the subject but also importantly encourage men to reach out to trusted friends and family to
Charities and organizations that will help them and also contact the police as well and the key thing is is that there’s men going through what Richard’s gone through every single day but there’s also lots and lots of men escaping from these relationships every single day so Richard did and so can any
Man or woman of course what sort of support is out there how readily available is it um there’s National helplines for men but also every local Council has a domestic abuse service and that service is available for men and also the police do take men seriously if
They do come forward um the other point is we really do ask trusted friends and family and neighbors to look out for men who they think could be in an abusive relationship and please do reach out to them and Richard I’m I’m curious to know if someone is watching this now who is
Frightened in an abusive relationship in a situation that they feel they maybe can’t break free from what what what would you say to them and what is the thing that shifted ever think for you um I think probably just to tell someone whether no matter who it is just to talk
To someone about it because the moment I opened up and told one of my neighbors that started a chain of events which led to um another friend contacting the authorities so I think you to just to open up and to tell someone anyone whoever it might be and I know you’ll
Probably have a lot of guilt around losing contact with um friends and family and things but um they will support you so yeah just to open up to someone obviously that that Nanny cam was that you didn’t install that for your own protection I’m assuming that
That was there anyway was that was there anyway yeah um and the reason I started the recording was because when we our first um daughter one evening um sh said that during an argument she was quite angry about something and she said that um she could smash her face in the
Mirror and then cut herself and then she said that I’ll tell the police that you did it and then she said once I’ve done that I’ll get a restraining order against you so you won’t be able to see the children and your family won’t be
Able to see the children so when she did that I thought well I’m not I knew that I was the I was the victim not the abuse so I thought well I’ll get my own evidence to act as an insurance policy if she was to ever do that never
Intended I never thought I’d have to use the evidence I had but you obviously don’t be thinking about what might have happened if I didn’t have the have the evidence you think if you hadn’t had that footage maybe it would have been more difficult to I think so because
She’s um a really good uh liar um you know she’s told lots of lies and people believed a lot of the things that she said going through the family court was like one of the most horrific experiences that I’ve that I’ve had during in the family C with 42 false
Allegations about trying to make out that I was the the abuser so something called davvo which is the deny attack reverse victim offender in the family coach made out that it was me that was the abuser and um had to take time off work and as
With you know with stress because um all these false allegations that had to I felt like I was on I was the one on trial in the family got had to prove that the things that she was saying about me weren’t true and and how is life today well life’s really great now
So the main thing is the children the children are are really happy happier than they ever been really confident it was the school um opened last year with a um parents evening and the feedback is I guess a lot of parents when they go to parents evening concerned about
Academic things how they doing maths and English but I’m more concerned about you know the emotional side of things and they’re all really happy and really confident that’s thing and I’ve met um you know a new partner and she’s completely the opposite of um Shireen everywhere so um things are really good
For the family okay it’s good to see you smile thank you thank you so much both for coming in this morning I know you said that it was hard to get even a snapshot of of the issue and the reality in a short conversation but I think you’ve really helped us understand this
Morning so thank you thank you very much indeed um and that documentary it’s called my wife my abuse her the secret footage